LaxMom Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 :iagree: Uh-huh. I spoke with my dad earlier and he was asking about my trip to ME next month, then made it a point to say that he knows I'll be busy (it's a full week of classwork) and completely understands if I won't have time to stop in and see him. My DAD. Who lives 700+ miles away. Regarding my trip to a destination 2 hrs from his house, which I have to pass on the way. (I plan on going up a couple days early and hanging out as his house so I don't enter my class week coming off a 12 hour drive). If any of my family wants to catch up with me, they can - and WILL, without question or balking - stop in at his house. It wouldn't occur to any of them to suggest otherwise. I won't even have the kids. Once again, everything Rosie said. And Summer, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 As for my guilt, well, it's just who I am. I want to please everyone, to do the right thing, to not cause waves. Well, if that's your choice, you are free to make it, but I can tell you from experience that it's a horrid way to live. And it never really worked for me anyway. I never will be an intentional wave-maker, but I've gotten in touch with my inner person who has a life and my inner Mama Bear. And my life is much calmer now. My inlaws are so horrid (sil included) that I want to do anything I can to not give them a reason to slam me . . . People who are horrid like that will slam you for not giving them a reason to slam you, if they can think of nothing else. This is a losing battle. Really. I tried for many, many years. The end result was just as ugly as if I hadn't pandered to them all that time, and in the meantime, MY life had been miserable. I may need prayers because my mil is exactly like the mil on "Everybody Loves Raymond" with a lot of Cruella DeVil thrown in. No exaggeration. Should make for a lovely time of dodging verbal barbs when I do go up there in July. Backbone...must grow a backbone. They sound perfectly ghastly. No, YOU don't need to grow a backbone. Your DH does, and he needs to use it! And you should not be alone with any of them. Why on earth are you guys going up there if it's just going to be misery? Who died and said your vacation must be with horrid people! I highly recommend that you read Toxic In-Laws. It's a very insightful and helpful book. (((LuvMySvn))) You deserve better than this. You are obviously a very giving and loving person. I recommend that you stop throwing your pearls before errr. . . swine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Well I'm both laughing and sniffling - you ladies have such wisdom (and humor!). It is true that I can't win with the outlaws no matter what I do/don't do. My sil emailed me back and it wasn't pretty. She is challenging me and oh wow, the guilt trip. But I listened to you all and did not over explain, just shared with her that we had a fantastic day at Bandelier, wished her safe travel, etc. The time you all have taken to respond has encouraged me greatly - thank you all so much. In my effort to be above reproach with the outlaws I have given in to demands and expectations that have exhausted me and my dc for 13 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Well I'm both laughing and sniffling - you ladies have such wisdom (and humor!). It is true that I can't win with the outlaws no matter what I do/don't do. My sil emailed me back and it wasn't pretty. She is challenging me and oh wow, the guilt trip. But I listened to you all and did not over explain, just shared with her that we had a fantastic day at Bandelier, wished her safe travel, etc. The time you all have taken to respond has encouraged me greatly - thank you all so much. In my effort to be above reproach with the outlaws I have given in to demands and expectations that have exhausted me and my dc for 13 years. Forgive me if this is out of line or out of place, but...I know in my marriage, we have this weird balancing act thing. My husband prides himself both in his ability to protect me, and also in my ability to stand on my own and manage, if that makes sense. I wonder if there isn't something similar at work in yours, and if it isn't time to allow your husband to step up and protect you? That he's waiting for you to let him know that you're done managing this on your own now? Kudos to you though. I would have been done long ago. Mind you, I say that, and I'm still dealing with my MIL :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Well I'm both laughing and sniffling - you ladies have such wisdom (and humor!). It is true that I can't win with the outlaws no matter what I do/don't do. My sil emailed me back and it wasn't pretty. She is challenging me and oh wow, the guilt trip. But I listened to you all and did not over explain, just shared with her that we had a fantastic day at Bandelier, wished her safe travel, etc. The time you all have taken to respond has encouraged me greatly - thank you all so much. In my effort to be above reproach with the outlaws I have given in to demands and expectations that have exhausted me and my dc for 13 years. (((LuvMySvn))) Wow. It's time! It's time for you to be able to enjoy your own children without their drama. I'm sorry the email wasn't pretty--I can't say that I'm surprised. Kudos to you for sticking with your strategy. I'm sure it was really tough to do. You've taken some good first steps to taking your life back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 "Darl, you just have to say 'shut up you mad bugger, I'm sick of listening to ya!'" Don't know that he ever said that to anyone but there are times when I can hear my grandfather saying that in my memory, and it makes me grin and feel better. My grandfather is way older than your mother in law so take that pearl of wisdom from someone older and wiser ;) Rosie- who hasn't actually said that to her MIL yet, but thinks the time might come... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 No, YOU don't need to grow a backbone. Your DH does, and he needs to use it! And you should not be alone with any of them. Backbones for all, I say. If you can't stand up to them for yourself, do it for your children. Don't show them it is okay to put up with this, this is not how good people interact. I put up with listening to my SIL's insults about my brother. Finally, just when I planned on telling her such language was undignified and I never wanted to hear it again (like how bad is is in bed!), she stopped. Then I knew she was really indifferent to him, and would leave soon. I was right. YeeeHaww (and he got custody of the kid). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 OMG!!!!!!!!! (That would be Oh My Goodness, of course) I just got an email from my mil! She wants to know what time we will be there on the 4th so she can make reservations for the restaurant they always go to. Then she said oh, you may not be here in time for brunch so we'll see you for the fireworks. HUH??? I emailed her back and reminded her that we will be there on the 5th due to our friend being there. What in the world?!?! I did NOT tell her we were coming on the 4th! In fact it was my email telling her we wouldn't be there that prompted her to say that we would miss the parade/fireworks and her precious dd (and grandkids) that started all of this mess. I know she will say I told her we would be there on the 4th, I just know it. And my email sent messages don't get saved. Good grief...if I drank I'd need a drink. As it is I think I'll go down a chocolate muffin from Costco. The whole thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 (((LuvnMySvn))) Evil grin: Well, you could always forward her your sent mail with your previous notice and her upset reply that you would be missing it! ; ) Nah, she doesn't want to be confused with facts. But it's fun to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 It sounds like you're resenting the imbalance of the visiting, and the expectation that this is the way things ought to be. There are two kinds of guilt -- true moral guilt and false guilt. The latter type sounds like the one you're dealing with now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Brenda, I was waiting for you to answer this one! You're so good with the tough love for those of us who have a hard time with boundaries. "Darl, you just have to say 'shut up you mad bugger, I'm sick of listening to ya!'" Don't know that he ever said that to anyone but there are times when I can hear my grandfather saying that in my memory, and it makes me grin and feel better. My grandfather is way older than your mother in law so take that pearl of wisdom from someone older and wiser ;) Rosie- who hasn't actually said that to her MIL yet, but thinks the time might come... Oh, Rosie, this made me LOL! I would just love to say that to my MIL. I am certain it would be followed by a long period of silence, which would be lovely. I don't know if I will ever have the guts, but it is fun to ponder. Thanks for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Sweetie, I used to be just like you. I've got the same temperament. I used to get torn apart all the time by family members' head games. With dh's help, I grew a spine, started setting boundaries, and wonder of wonders, the head games are a distant memory. They just stopped. My family members are actually so much more pleasant now, and we all get along much better than ever. Now your ILs may never be chummy with you, but once you have that spine in place, you'll be amazed at how quickly the drama dies down. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 My dh is very firm that I should not go see her because he is sick to death of his family pulling stuff like this. Email. Say little. Be cordial. Let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangearrow Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 and need to know if there is anyone else who would say, "Bummer, maybe next time." That is exactly what I would say. Completely guilt-free & with a smile on my face too. :D I learned years ago that life is too short to make myself miserable for someone else's sake. So. I don't anymore. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 . That would make me a hypocrite, would I understand this because I tend to view things the same way, measuring my behaviour against the behaviour of others as if there's some sort of relationship balance I have to keep. You know what? It's a silly way to live. Other people don't walk around, forever trying to make sure relationships are dolloped out in equal measure. Other people, make realistic choices based on what they know about themselves, not because they fear others will spot their hypocrisy. Other people don't elevate themselves to the self-important position of Watcher of the Relationship Fulcrum. Other people realize that guilt, while sometimes useful, is often toxic and should not be indulged in. I know I sounds terribly critical but it's because I see this in myself and hate it. When I do that I am not being fair, I am being self-absorbed and dense. Time for us to get over it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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