Miss Peregrine Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (edited) That should be *to do* *sigh* I don't really drink alcohol. I have had one mixed drink and that was last year, LOL. Dh has never been much of a drinker, either. A new kind of flavored beer(pumpkin?!) every few months or less while we are at a friend's house. We occasionally have wine in the house when we have friends over and they bring it. The problem: DD just turned 13 and turns seriously pissy whenever Dh has a drink. The last dinner party we had, she pouted and shot glaring looks at Dh when he had a glass of wine. Last night we were at a neighbor's BBQ and Dh tried a Lime Beer. DD immediately turned into a pouting brat. She went into the bathroom and cried and generally treated DH like dirt. At bedtime she kissed me goodnight and Dh said, "What about me?" She said, "I don't kiss people who drink alcohol." She walked to her bedroom in a huff. After Dh went to bed I asked what her deal was. She said it disappoints her when he drinks and makes her really mad. I asked why and she couldn't really tell me other than it disappoints her. I asked about marrying someone who likes to drink occasionally and she said she wouldn't marry them in the first place. I know she is black-and-white right now trying to make sense of the world but how to deal with this? We are Christian but (obviously) don't think drinking in moderation is a sin. Edited May 17, 2009 by Miss Peregrine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwalizer Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Since you are christians, maybe you could show her the bible story of Jesus turning water into wine and other examples of him and his followers drinking wine, such as at the last supper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneRoomSchoolHouse Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 There are multiple passages in the Bible which state that being a "drunkard" is a sin or "having too much wine". I have yet to find a verse that says any alcohol at all is sinful. I agree with the previous post, Jesus does turn water into wine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Um, the issue for me isn't her opinion on drinking, but the disrespect with which she is treating her father. Ask her how she is honoring her father by her behavior? Can she point to anything in Scripture with which she can justify her "bratty" behavior? Is this how Jesus interacted with sinners? it is okay for her to politely disagree with others on the issue of drinking, especially if she can use the Bible to explain *why.* But she is being disrespectful to her father, and disobedient to God. THOSE are the issues that should be addressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Um, the issue for me isn't her opinion on drinking, but the disrespect with which she is treating her father. Ask her how she is honoring her father by her behavior? Can she point to anything in Scripture with which she can justify her "bratty" behavior? Is this how Jesus interacted with sinners? it is okay for her to politely disagree with others on the issue of drinking, especially if she can use the Bible to explain *why.* But she is being disrespectful to her father, and disobedient to God. THOSE are the issues that should be addressed. :iagree: This is not a drinking issue. It is a respect issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 For me, I see two ways of handling this situation... 1) 1 Corinthians 8:13 talks about if something that is okay to us, but causes someone else to stumble then we should abstain for their sake. (paraphrase mine) Since you and your husband are not big drinkers as it is, this would probably be an easy thing to do. If your daughter really feels that strongly, then maybe it would be better to avoid it altogether. 2) Exodus 20:12 commands that children honor their father and their mother. You could explain to your daughter that her feelings are noted, but that she needs to submit to the authority of her parents and honor them just the same even if she disagrees. Just my humble 2 cents for whatever their worth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Along with the previous posters suggestions, you might also point out the passages about honouring thy mother and father, and respecting parents ;) I wonder what she's seen or heard that has caused her to react so strongly? I would have a discussion with her about moderation, and that it is perfectly acceptable for an adult to have an occasional alcoholic beverage...Me being me, I'd also add in something along the lines of, if Daddy makes a mistake, then its up to MOMMY to talk to him about it, and vice versa...not the teen child. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 For me, I see two ways of handling this situation... 1) 1 Corinthians 8:13 talks about if something that is okay to us, but causes someone else to stumble then we should abstain for their sake. (paraphrase mine) Since you and your husband are not big drinkers as it is, this would probably be an easy thing to do. If your daughter really feels that strongly, then maybe it would be better to avoid it altogether. 2) Exodus 20:12 commands that children honor their father and their mother. You could explain to your daughter that her feelings are noted, but that she needs to submit to the authority of her parents and honor them just the same even if she disagrees. Just my humble 2 cents for whatever their worth. I disagree with the underlined part. I don't think that a 13 yo should be able to control her parents actions to that degree. We're discussing folks who have a drink occasionally, not addictive behaviour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yslek Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 This makes me wonder where she got her ideas in the first place. :confused: Does she have a friend who has parents with drinking problems? (I can remember being in my teens and making up my mind on issues pretty quickly based on things my friends said/believed, so it made me wonder.) Is she being taught that any level of alcohol consumption is sinful by others in a youth group/bible class/similar setting? (I was, and even though my parents never saw anything wrong with drinking in moderation, I was heavily influenced by this teaching.) Hopefully you can talk with her & resolve this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pixeldog Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Alcohol can be a slippery slope for some people (I am one of them). Perhaps she is reacting out of fear of alcoholism or alcohol abuse (a *real* issue for many teens and adults) and can't articulate that very well. We've discussed drinking issues with our children because we really want to set the stage for them to be able to talk with us about issues like this, and we've come to the conclusion that drinking alcohol just isn't worth the complications that it can bring on, especially because we have alcoholism in our family. Some of us just can't "do" moderation, even though others might be able to. We've talked about why people drink, and since we don't really want to, what we *can* do instead. I understand your daughter's fear, if that's what she's acting on. I've experienced a lot of personal pain because of the effects of alcohol on my family members and myself. Some things just aren't all they're cracked up to be. IMO, alcohol is one of them. Two *hard earned* cents worth ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Um, the issue for me isn't her opinion on drinking, but the disrespect with which she is treating her father. Ask her how she is honoring her father by her behavior? Can she point to anything in Scripture with which she can justify her "bratty" behavior? Is this how Jesus interacted with sinners? it is okay for her to politely disagree with others on the issue of drinking, especially if she can use the Bible to explain *why.* But she is being disrespectful to her father, and disobedient to God. THOSE are the issues that should be addressed. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 My kids went through a time of fear when a loved one would drink. DH and I don't drink. The people they saw drink did so inappropriately. Well, my (step)dad doesn't over-drink but he drinks often. My kids were confused about that. However, at least they had SOMEONE in their lives not taking it to excess. We were clear that our belief is that drunkenness is a sin but drinking occasionally or even often, just a drink or two, is fine. In time, they got it. It helped that we had a bit less contact with a certain drunk relative also. I would explain your position and feelings. I'd let her know that disrespect is not going to be tolerated (she can kiss daddy on the forehead if he has a drink, for example). And I'd let time even her out in time. I'm a pretty black and white thinker on a lot of things. In time, I've found balance. What is even better is that not only is there shades of gray, but there is this *sweet spot* of green. There ARE things in life that ARE black and white, but so many things just aren't. It's nice to find a balance. She'll get there :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (edited) Perhaps now would be a good time to gently remind her that we live in a fallen world and ALL of us occasionally fall into sin, even her. And that her father's behavior is not labeled in the Bible as sin. Does her Bible not contain the verse about judge not lest ye be judged? Give her an example of a behavior of hers that is clearly a sin and ask her how she would feel if her father would not kiss her goodnight because she had committed that sin. Dh always says no convictions are stronger than those of the self-righteous. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to help her see that even her self-righteousness is a sin. Sadly, we all commit sins, but through the grace of Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit, we can work to over come them. And I definitely agree that her behavior was rude, hurtful, and very disrespectful to her father and if left unchecked could lead to a dangerous sense of superiority. "Vengence is mine, thus saith the Lord". It is not her place to "punish" her father for what she perceived to be a transgression. She has no authority over him. There are many verses that could fit this situation. Taking the speck out of your own eye first, for example. If she truly feels that his behavior was wrong, then the best thing she can do from her position is to pray for him, for her own wisdom and understanding, and to try to present the best example she can (which would mean pursuing constant obedience to God's Word, including all the verses previously mentioned). Regarding the admonition not to cause a brother to stumble, I have mixed feelings about the various interpretations I have heard for this. IMO, it means that we should not try to lead others into sin, and to be sensitive to those around us. However, I'm not sure where the line is. Do we not eat in public because we may be enticing a glutton to partake? Not buy anything new to avoid tempting a shopaholic? Never succeed because it might invoke jealousy in another? I believe that God values personal responsibility in each of us. Although my dd is only 10, she too has tried to "catch us out" on various things. I am generally quick to point out to her that she sins just like everyone else, that we are commanded not to judge, and that she is sinning herself by dishonoring those set in authority over her. I suppose it will only become more of an issue as she ages..... Lord, give me strength for her teenage years... Edited May 17, 2009 by hillfarm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 This makes me wonder where she got her ideas in the first place. :confused: Well... My dad drank literally drank himself to death. AND my step-dad is an alcoholic. So yeah, she saw what it did to grandpa #1 and sees how grandpa #2 is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I disagree with the underlined part. I don't think that a 13 yo should be able to control her parents actions to that degree. We're discussing folks who have a drink occasionally, not addictive behaviour. I see what you are saying, but I am not meaning it in the sense of the parents "giving in" to the demands of the daughter or letting the daughter have control. On the contrary, I believe if the child is being bratty, that behavior needs to be dealt with because her "sin" is greater than the "perceived sin" of her father. I hope you understand what I mean, I don't have the gift to put words together so well. But what I was meaning rather, was that if something really really bothers the child and it is bringing her pain and it is an easy thing to not do, then why not just not do it? I don't think it's a matter of appeasing the child or giving the child control, but rather a matter of love. I hope that this makes sense. I think I"m too tired to talk clearly tonight. hehe :) Blessings, Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Well... My dad drank literally drank himself to death. AND my step-dad is an alcoholic. So yeah, she saw what it did to grandpa #1 and sees how grandpa #2 is. I was just about to post and ask why your dd would have such strong feelings about drinking, but now I understand. She is probably terrified that your dh could end up becoming an alcoholic, too. I think your dh should sit down and discuss the issue with her, and let her know that not everyone who drinks will become an alcoholic. Your dd may know that alcoholism can run in families, and she may be afraid for you and your dh -- and maybe also for herself if she feels any temptation to drink. She seems exceptionally adamant about the issue, so I think it's something you need to address with her. I know she was disrespectful, but it sounds like she had her father's best interests at heart. (I'm not condoning the attitude, but hopefully after you and dh speak with her, she will calm down a bit.) I really think she's just scared and feels helpless. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Alcohol can be a slippery slope for some people (I am one of them). Perhaps she is reacting out of fear of alcoholism or alcohol abuse (a *real* issue for many teens and adults) and can't articulate that very well. We've discussed drinking issues with our children because we really want to set the stage for them to be able to talk with us about issues like this, and we've come to the conclusion that drinking alcohol just isn't worth the complications that it can bring on, especially because we have alcoholism in our family. Some of us just can't "do" moderation, even though others might be able to. We've talked about why people drink, and since we don't really want to, what we *can* do instead. I understand your daughter's fear, if that's what she's acting on. I've experienced a lot of personal pain because of the effects of alcohol on my family members and myself. Some things just aren't all they're cracked up to be. IMO, alcohol is one of them. Two *hard earned* cents worth ..... :iagree:I have seen so much heart ache from drinking and it generally started with one. I agree that a 13 yr old shouldn't treat her parent or parents disrespectfully but I have to ask what the message is that is being sent to her. Possibly she has been struggling with some peer pressure and isn't able to see a cut and dried example in the place she needs to see it the most? I don't believe that it is a sin to take a drink. I also believe that our example as parents should be as strait forward as possible for our kids. She needs to learn to address her discomfort with her parents in a respectful manner but possibly her parents also need to really look at the message she is getting from them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 (edited) This makes me wonder where she got her ideas in the first place. :confused: Does she have a friend who has parents with drinking problems? (I can remember being in my teens and making up my mind on issues pretty quickly based on things my friends said/believed, so it made me wonder.) Is she being taught that any level of alcohol consumption is sinful by others in a youth group/bible class/similar setting? (I was, and even though my parents never saw anything wrong with drinking in moderation, I was heavily influenced by this teaching.) Hopefully you can talk with her & resolve this. :grouphug: :iagree: It does sound like something is bugging her. I don't think it is a respect issue... she may be imagining that one drink may cause impairment or such. Could be a reason to teach basics of drug/alcohol use? If you have relatives who have alcoholism... then perhaps this situation is triggering a behavior for something she is very fearful of. Makes sense. My mom was a problem gambler and wasted her check on slots and casinos... I recall being 12 or 13 yrs old and finally having the courage to speak my mind on her behavior and how I didn't want her to go gambling. Of course, my mom got offended and yelled and left for Reno. But speaking up to her behavior did help me deal with what I was upset about deep down inside. No answers... but it sounds like ds has to deal with her fear of losing dad to what she thinks is "alcoholism". You need to talk to her. Edited May 18, 2009 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wagnfun Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 :iagree: This is not a drinking issue. It is a respect issue. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Sounds like shes also trying to put herself in peer mode w/ parents instead of child/adult role. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 I truly appreciate all these responses. I am mulling them over... Will have more time tomorrow to answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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