When I first moved in with her I could not afford rent. And it was preferable to be around family at that time. Now, two years in, I am glad I have not spent all that money on rent. Our oral agreement (which will soon be written) is that when the house is sold she and I will share the proceeds. We are planning on sharing everything. Right now she has the home and resources to help me out. Once my divorce is final, I will have the resources to set us up somewhere where we can retire in peace and keep each other company.

I accepted the "free lodging" when I literally had nothing. As my divorce process slowly winds it's way through the court system I have received alimony and some lump sum payments. Those I have used to upgrade the septic system and put on a deck. That was our agreement. I have also taken her on vacation twice. The cleaners do not clean my sister's side of the house. She would hate that. She is a stay-at-home-mom who loves to cook, clean, etc. I work a full time job and commute an hour each way. If I was not working I would not have a cleaning lady.

See? I knew all y'all would make me feel better! Yes, I think I am colored by my STBX's treatment and I do tend to defer instead of creating conflict. But it does cause resentment to build up. I am seeing a counselor so I was planning on bringing this up next session. As for finances, if I was to rent a two bedroom no-frills apartment in this area it would cost me at least $2000 per month. So living with my sister for two years and putting in a septic (about one year's worth of rent) and then a deck (another year's rent) has evened out. We have also discussed sitting down and coming up with a formal, written agreement about the value of the house, who gets what if something happens, etc. I think I will push for that to happen this weekend. I know I will always feel like this is "her house" no matter what happens. We are planning on moving in about 5 years or so to a condo for ourselves so that feeling will change then. I also have to try to control my "fight or flight" response to things. My nerves are just so raw right now! But in all sincerity ... thank you to all who took the time to post advice. Reading it all talked me down from my cliff and I do appreciate you all helping me put in in perspective!

Live on a Greek Island ... okay, I can do that Have all my utilities paid, including housing, and receive a small salary ...... yup, I could handle that Job Duties: care for and love over 50 cats ..... it'll be tough but I think i would be able to handle it ? If I wasn't going through a divorce I would campaign HARD to get this job! https://wgntv.com/2018/08/13/cat-whisperer-wanted-get-paid-to-live-on-a-greek-island-care-for-dozens-of-cats/

My nephew really doesn't know what his shifts are going to be -- he will be on a regular shift and then they will ask him to stay for another so we never know. So trying to schedule around it is not really an option. I know that soon (maybe in about a year) all this kids will be moved out and then it will be just my sister and I. My daughters have already moved out. Perhaps when it is just the two of us we can come to a new understanding about how we want to live together. I'm just in a weird place right now where I am emotionally vulnerable and cannot trust my own instincts Yes, that is probably exactly what I meant! Thank you for being gentle ?

That's what I am thinking but I am just so turned around from the way I had to live with my STBX!

As most of you know, I am (still) going through a divorce with my STBX. 2 years ago I moved out of the marital home and in with my sister. She has an in-law apartment so it worked out really well. I have my own entrance, kitchen, laundry, bathroom, etc. My sister and I get along very well and have very compatible personalities. When I moved in she was, literally, a life-saver for me. She took me, my two daughters, a dog and a cat in when we didn't know where our next dime would be coming from. She always has said "whatever I have, you have half of." She has been a source of strength for me and my daughters. (She has two grown sons that still live with her.) Since I have moved in I have managed to pay my share of the bills and, with the profit from the sale of the marital home, put a new septic system in my sister's home as well as a new deck out back. I was happy to be able to do these things because I didn't want to be a burden on anybody. Contributing to the house helped make it feel like my home. We have talked multiple times about how great it is now that we live together because all our kids are together and see each other often. Neither one of us worries about growing old alone because we have each other, etc. etc. The problem is this: after 30 years of being in a relationship where my STBX called all the shots, I am sensitive to having the freedom now to live the way I want. And sometimes ..... I feel like I don't get to do that living with my sister. For example, I was having a cleaning company come in once a week. I have never been able to have a cleaning crew as my STBX would not spend the money on it. I LOVE having this service and I LOVE being able to make this decision and do that for myself. Well, my sister just texted me this morning at work that I will have to cancel the cleaning service. Her oldest son lives in the finished basement beneath me and is a police officer. He works odd shifts and long hours. I guess the cleaning crew woke him up yesterday morning after he had worked a double shift. I get that he cannot be tired during his shift, and I get that being disturbed while sleeping is not nice, but this really is bugging me. She is VERY super-sensitive about this son. He is treated like a king and she literally shelters him from any and all discomfort. He is a great guy and in no ways need such sheltering, but that is how she is with him. It is just not sitting right with me. I want this to feel like my home, and my sister does everything she can to make it feel that way, but every now and then she makes a decision that best serves her and her family. And it just is made with no discussion. I know if I discussed it with her the end result would be the same: a cleaning crew vs. her son being able to sleep after a double shift = cleaning crew loses. Sometimes I just want to move out and be on my own! But now I feel like I have made a commitment to her, and in all honesty I think living alone would get old real fast. I don't know .... I'm just blabbering on. I guess I just feel like I am still in such limbo because my divorce is dragging on so long and I don't know how it will all turn out. And I feel like I jumped from one relationship where my voice wasn't heard to another relationship where my voice is heard, but only sometimes. And 30 years with my STBX has made me doubt my inner voice so much it is hard for me to separate out what I deserve and should have and what is me just bitching. So, does it sound like petty bitching on my part, or a normal compromise that gets made when you live with someone?

When my daughter had to study for AP World History she had a stack of flashcards about 6" high! So I put them in a central spot (like the kitchen counter) and I told her that anytime she walked by the pile, to get a snack or use the bathroom or whatever, she should stop and do 6 or so cards. Under the last card I would have a surprise, like "go our for ice cream" or "you pick tonight's move" so when she would have an incentive to get to the bottom of the pile. The rule was, thought, that she had to get through the whole pile in one day. We did that for about 2 weeks straight. It took the pressure off of her but she still had the benefit of the repetition. She ended up scoring a 4 on the AP Test, so I guess something worked!

It wasn't until about 6 months later when I found a text on his phone from his girlfriend. I confronted him and eventually he told me the truth. When I started looking into her on facebook, etc., it showed that she worked at the mountain where he broke his ankle. Then I put that piece of the puzzle together. He has been ordered to pay temporary alimony. He just ..... refuses. We have brought him to court multiple times and finally the judge ruled that the alimony could come out of his half of the proceeds from the sale of the house. We are still going back to court for contempt because soon that money will run out and I don't want to be stuck. He plays the game well, though. He is on his third attorney (he fired the first one, the second one dumped him) and each new attorney extends the process. First they come on with all sorts of promises to "right this ship" and get this all resolved. Then, slowly, then new attorney realizes that my STBX never responds to emails or phone calls. Every correspondence from my attorney takes MONTHS to get answers from him. Then we file for contempt, which takes months to get a court date. And round and round we go.

My therapist suggested that I just consider myself divorced right now, even though the courts haven't said it yet. That has helped my mindset a bit. AND I have just scheduled a trip to Walt Disney World with my sister - a vacation he never would have allowed us to take! SHe didn't buy any of this crappola. I just wish he had seen this as an opportunity, after two years of not seeing them, to try and make some positive progress.

This post is just more drama with my STBX. My last update was that I sent his attorney my settlement offer, asking that he signed by the end of May or else we would have to go to trial. His answer? Dead silence. I found out this weekend that my oldest daughter, age 24, met with him for coffee. She has not seen him or really spoke with him in about 2 years. I guess she was hoping for some clear answers. He basically ended up still regurgitating the same lies and half-truths. When she asked him why he hasn't paid her back the $1800 she forwarded to her sister to cover expenses when she was studying abroad, he said "he didn't have the money" The man makes over $300,000 a year. He now pays NO expenses for the family other than me being on his health insurance. The only thing he apologized for was "not intervening more on behalf of her and her sister when things were going bad at home." Translation: Your mother is a real nut job and I should have protected you more from her. But this ..... THIS .... statement is what keeps me up at night punching my pillow in frustration: When he was having an affair with some girl he went to high school with, they decided to meet one weekend to go skiing, amongst other things. He left on a Thursday. On Friday we were hit with a blizzard, and another one was scheduled for Saturday night. By Friday I was buried in about 2 feet of snow. My STBX calls me on Friday and says he has broken his ankle skiing, and could I come get him (4 hour drive one way) to bring him home. Now, the sheer audacity of calling me to drive 4 hours to pick him up at whatever no-tell-motel he was fooling around at just boggles my mind. At the time I didn't know he was having an affair, but the fact that he would just use me like that leaves me speechless. I told him I could not come pick him up because (a) we were buried in snow and (b) we have two dogs that couldn't just stay in the house - I would need to set up a dog-sitter and we didn't just have one on speed dial. We finally figured out a way to get him home by a friend of his. When he was having coffee with my daughter he said that he felt "abandoned" by me that weekend. ABANDONED! So I was supposed to drop everything, drive through one blizzard and then through another one on the way back, for an (at least) 8 hour round trip, to pick him up at the motel he was having an affair at. The fact that he doesn't get how lousy that is, how disrespectful, how it's just NOT something one decent person does to another person, never mind someone who you are married to for over 25 years. I literally feel like I am going crazy because it is so far out there, yet he is trying to sell it as he is the victim. I literally start to sputter when I talk about this. I think it is just one of the most selfish, mean and degrading things he could've done.

They say misery loves company so I am loving this thread! haha When I was younger and got hot, I just kinda "glistened" with a sheen of light perspiration.. Now that I am old, I flat out SWEAT .... the kind that makes your hair plaster to your head, makes your makeup run down your face like your melting and makes you keep pulling at your undergarments that are sticking to all your pink parts.

Me too! I had to go out and buy more bras because the ones I had were always in the wash!

Under-bOOk sweat! It's uncomfortable and the humidity shows NO sign of letting up. Unfortunately as I have gotten older, age and gravity has dragged my used-to-be perky bOOks down so much that this is always an issue. I work in an air conditioned office but, nope, the under-bOOk sweat refuses to go away. I'm done. I want the fall to be here.

Ok this makes me feel a lot better. I really like my GP, he is a good guy and very knowledgeable. And I like the idea of one-stop shopping, so to speak. But at least when I go next week I won't feel more awkward then I should. Thank you, ladies!

I am not very good about going to the doctor. It probably has been 5 years since I have had a full physical, and probably 10 since I've been to the gynecologist (or groin-acologist as Archie Bunker would say haha). So I finally scheduled a full physical for next week. I know my GP can do pap smears so I should just have him do it while I am there, but it just seems weird to me to have a GP do such a personal exam! I guess I just assume that a gynecologist does this stuff all day long so it's no big deal, but a GP doesn't do it a lot so it would be weird for him? I don't know, its probably all wrapped up in my doctor phobia, but how many of you have your GP do a pap exam? (please tell me it's a common thing!)

A few months ago I replaced the septic system at our home. That was a big deal for me because it was the first big 'home maintenance" thing that I have done since separating from my STBX. It went smoothly but the back yard ended up looking like a great place for dirt bikes to race. Finally the installer came back and put down loam and seed ...... and the grass is just staring to grow! This makes me very happy! I was afraid I was watering it too much, or too little, and started to worry I would just have a permanent mud pit out back, but I did it! I grew grass! Silly reason, I know, but it's the little things in life haha

I've heard "swallowing a camel while choking on a gnat"

My oldest daughter graduated college 2 years ago with a degree in Biology. She got a job about 4 months after graduating. One day I'm in work (at my full-time job .... at 52 years old ..... after working all my life) and I get a text from her that says "I'm thinking about quitting my job and bar tending or something like that. Enough of this full-time bulls**t! I want more time to travel and do stuff!" I literally was laughing so hard I was crying. After 18 months she had enough of working full-time! It was cutting into her life, ya know! To her credit, she changed jobs, got a 6 month contract with a company doing neurodegenerative disease research (no bar tending) and was planning on working and saving for those 6 months and then travelling for a few months before coming back and working again. Plans have changed again and the new company is offering her a great full-time position that I believe she will take. It's too good of an opportunity to pass up. I just know when I was growing up it was: go to college.....graduate in 4 years .... get a job .... get married ..... have kids. Today's generation is doing things so differently. They are marrying later, or not at all, traveling more, not settling down so fast. I think it's a great mindset and, as long as they can support themselves in their plans, then I am all for it. My youngest has just started her full time job after graduating last month. I am waiting for her realization that working full-time really cramps your style!

My daughter was hired for a 6-month contract for a company. After about 3 weeks of working there she was encouraged to apply for job with them full-time. Her interview is Monday. They told her to create a powerpoint about herself and present it at her interview! I have never heard of that before. I know they do a lot of interviewing through Skype, etc., but this is a new one to me. She is not too nervous about it because she is pretty creative and will probably come up with something clever. BTW, it is for a scientist position working on neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer. So it's not like she is in marketing or needs to interact with clients and needs to show creativity on the job.

Are you working with an attorney? There shouldn't be that much of a disparity in your access to funds.

Update: *When he texted our youngest daughter about coming to her graduation she never texted back. She just didn't want to deal with formulating a text, getting a response, blah blah blah. So we go to her graduation and, lo and behold, he shows up. I noticed him standing in the back of the room. I texted my daughter and she writes back "Get rid of him. I don't want to see him." So our oldest daughter goes over to him and kept it real simple and concise. Just "This day is not about anybody but daughter X and she does not want you here." He started to imply that he wasn't invited because I would get all upset. He just will not believe that I am not poisoning his daughters against him. I think it helps him justify his behavior or something. He then actually started crying. She just kept sticking to the line about "this is not about you, it's about her." Finally he left. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, this may spur him to reach a settlement? I feel like he finally saw the way he is ostracized from the family. Before it didn't seem to matter to him because he was so busy with girlfriends, or triathlon training, or whatever mid-life crisis event he wanted to do, but this was the first major event he was not allowed to be at. Who knows though. As a side note, our youngest graduated with a degree in architecture and has a job already. Our oldest daughter has her degree in biology and works in cancer research. My STBX's background is science (he has a degree in chemical engineering) and building. He could not have designed a better scenario for them all to have something in common and that he could have really shared in their accomplishments. But no. He is missing it all. He doesn't even know where they are working or what they are doing. These are supposed to be the years where you breath a sigh of relief that the hard job of raising them is over and, now that they are self-sufficient, you can sit back and enjoy their achievements. He is missing it all.

The best way to knit socks is to just start knitting them! You will learn as you go whether you prefer magic loop vs. dpns, what type of heel you like better, etc. I personally knit two at a time, toe up (using Judy's Magic Cast On) on magic loop. There are a ton of youtube videos out there. I basically learned how to knit courtesy of youtube! I think the afterthought heel might be confusing. I never tried it but it just seems overly fussy to me.

The budget is about 5K. I don't need to stay in the states, but airfare just eats up so much of the budget. My daughters are very adventurous but I am a bit more laid back, so something in the middle?

I need some help and suggestions! I would love to take my two daughters, ages 21 and 24, on vacation. So I start thinking ..... Key West? Great, but rainy season starts in June but maybe we could go in October? Some type of beautiful drive with a rented convertible, but where? Pacific Coast Highway? That could be fun, but I would spend a lot just getting there as we are on the East coast. Disney? They will probably think that is lame although I would love it haha Then I just start going round and round. Any suggestions?