^^^ This is one of my worries. Sometimes I think I should just do a "stay-cation" and make it my own. I live with my sister but in an in-law apartment so I could literally say I need 3 days of just me. But then that might be awkward ..... sigh .... I guess I do have companions ..... Overthinking and Fretting.

I am thinking I may like to try travelling solo. Now that I am newly divorced I am open to branching out (but not too much!) and trying something new. I live with my sister and we have always vacationed together, but there are always compromises that have to be made no matter who you travel with. I would like to take a trip that I can do what I want - which is mostly just relax. I met my ex when I was 18. Since then I have been part of a couple, and he was the one who called the shots. Now I get to decide. I don't think I am up for doing a city by myself, plus that is not what I am really looking for. I feel like a quiet, older crowd cruise may have what I want. I picture myself reading on deck, napping, finding a quiet corner to knit, napping again ..... lame, I know, but I basically have never been alone since I was 18 and I would like some time to have peace and quiet and literally do what I please. Any advice? Would a cruise be the best way to achieve that?

ON the other side of this, I can't stand being hounded when I am trying to shop! I found this to be the case at Bath & Body Works. As soon as I walk in someone is there to tell me what is on sale. Ok, fine, thank you. But then if I mention to my sister that something smells nice, the salesclerk will start telling me what else smells good, or that it is available in candles, or whatever. I find myself not saying anything once I am in there because I feel like they will swoop down on me.

A cover for a mug, maybe put a straw through the hole? That's a weird one!

An update ...... I'm back! The trip was a mixed bag. The weather was iffy for half the trip (no fun when you are trying to do Disney parks!) and the anxiety was always lingering, but we went. We did end up coming back two days early because the weather was supposed to rain for the last two days and we were scheduled to get a Nor'Easter for the day we flew back and I didn't want to get stuck for hours in the airport. It is good to be back in my daily schedule. I think the vacation was a bit too long. I am really a homebody and it was just too long away from my bed and my cat and my favorite knitting chair! I'm still struggling with my anxiety. I probably will be until the whole divorce entanglement gets sorted out. Now we are in the phase of "you owe me $5, but I owe you $2, so send me $3..." It is just a mess and I don't know if or how much debt I will be in until I meet with my financial guy. Can I just say ....... anxiety is a real bitch! I just worms it's way into your mind, whispers lies, falsehoods and disrupts your whole sense of normal. I have gone through a lot in my life, as have most people, and always just handled what came my way (what other choice do you have?) but anxiety likes to tell you that you WON'T make it through this time. That it will be catastrophic and you will end up unemployed in Greenland (Princess Bride quote anyone? haha) It's exhausting. Thank you all for your input and support.

Thank you all for your support. I spent the last two days breathing deeply, taking quick walks outside when I can get away from my desk at work, consciously working to relax my muscles, and taking my medication. I also listened to comedy shows during my commute. Laughter always helps. I feel so much better today. I actually slept through the night last night and woke up without feeling like there was a gorilla on my back. So now I just have butterflies in my stomach which I can handle. This is going to be a complete relax vacation. And I will be with my sister so it's not like I have to pretend to be social haha. We leave tomorrow. I'm glad I am going. I always get nervous and jittery before a vacation but this anxiety was waaaaay over the top. Hopefully I won't have one of those attacks again for a long time. And hopefully I have learned some skills in the last few days to be stronger when and if it happens again.

Thank you I will try this. I had another full blown panic attack last night including vomiting, but again got up today, went to work, have lots of nutritious food to snack on, and took a Lorazapam once I got to work. But today is actually better. I am feeling excitement at going, not just anxiousness. And my sister will be the best traveling companion.

I do have a prescription for Lorazepam that my doctor prescribed me. I am always so hesitant to use it because my mother was an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser so I always associated it with doing something the wrong way or taking the easy way out instead of coping. But in looking into it it says to use for short term panic attacks. So i am going to stop white knuckling it and take a damn pill once a day until I get there. Then I am sure most of the anxiety will pass. And if not, I will have it there with me. I can see how easily my life can become smaller and smaller. I am already a homebody. I'd rather be home than almost anywhere else. I love having my family around but am not good with going out socializing. When I think back to my youth I was such an extrovert! I loved challenges, adventures, meeting people! Now? I am so an introvert. But that's okay as long as I don't have it end up running my life. Thank you ladies. If you haven't realized it yet, I use this board to find good information but to also lean on and get advice from you all. It is so helpful. When I was at my desk this morning having a panic attack I knew if I posted and put some of my thoughts and anxiety on the page you would come back with words that help. I find that truly invaluable.

Ugh I guess I just needed words of encouragement. I was thinking about this issue this morning .... If I had a broken foot I would yell "OW" and people would bring me to a place to have the pain fixed (a hospital) and then they would secure the pain (in a cast) and then I would be allowed to rest and recover until my pain subsided. I would never be expected to show up to work and not limp. Anxiety and panic are different. There is no straightforward fix. There is no cast to put around it. Society doesn't really support resting and recovering from anxiety. You still have to go to work everyday. It's all up to how I deal with it ... deep breathing, mediation, rest, eating well, etc. I am going to counseling. But it is just so hard. When I feel it coming on I feel so out of control. And then, of course, I panic about having panic attacks. And round and round it goes. I just want to yell "HELP" at the top of my lungs because the feeling is so awful and the mind is spinning so hard. But you can't. You have to look inward and try to draw from strength that is severely missing at that moment.

My sister is extremely gracious and kind to me. I am so lucky to have her to live with since my divorce. She always says that we are in this together. She also suffers from anxiety so I know she would understand but I also know she would be disappointed.

I just edited my post to say that my sister is very understanding and also suffers from anxiety so she gets it. She has said that if I want to cancel she will understand. You are right, it usually always is. This level of panic attacks is just so HIGH. Last time I was experiencing this level was when my XH said he wanted a divorce.

I am due to leave this Thursday on vacation. On paper it is wonderful: it is with my sister and we travel very well together. We are spending 4 days at DisneyWorld and 4 days at Universal. We have done this trip before and love it. We have books and magazines and knitting projects for down time. We always take is slow and go at our own pace. I am practically jumping out of my skin today. Last night I got barely any sleep. It is more than just anxiety .... it has moved into panic attacks (the hot flush, pinpricks all over, shallow breathing). My sister is very supportive and struggles with her own anxiety so she would understand if we cancelled. Plus I paid for the trip so she would not be out any money. I am not really afraid of flying. I don't love it but I will do it. I don't really have any concrete reason that is making me panicked, just a generalized panic. So then I start thinking if I just stayed home I could rest and relax and do the things I'm comfortable with. I know it's a cop-out, but I feel like pulling the plug on the vacation and making it a stay-cation would stop the panic. I haven't had a vacation all year and it would be nice to just relax at home. It might just make it worse to deal with the next time though. And I don't know if I would get any refund. I do have travel insurance but I don't know if I could get my doctor to provide anxiety as an excuse, although he does treat me for that. It could be PTSD from coming off of 4 years of divorce, or it could be a side-symptom of menopause, which I just started entering. Any been-there-done-that? Ugh I just need the panic to go away it is ruining everything! Ladies, please help me. You always do 😞

Moving is not really an option for me. I live now with my sister and to try and start renting somewhere would only make paying off any debt take longer. With the money I will have coming in from my job and from alimony I should be able to clear up debt in about 2 years. Then I should be able to either stop working or go down to a simpler part time job. At least that is the plan right now. Who knows haha

They gave me the half of the value of his 401K as of a certain date (I think it was as of May 2019). Now I have to turn that over into a something called a quadro. I have a financial guy for all that. According to my lawyer they do not usually garnish wages for alimony, only for child support. I am hoping it gets set up that it just goes directly into my account. The court papers do say he has to pay via a "direct deposit" to my account, but I'm not sure exactly what that means.

So now that my divorce decree leaves me with a bit more debt than I had hoped, it looks like I will still be working for a few years to clean stuff up. Right now I work full time at a job I really enjoy. I love my co-workers and the actual work is interesting. I work a long day on Tuesdays and get out at 1:00 on Fridays, which I love. Plus I love just being "settled" in a job where I know what to do and can keep myself busy. I make a decent salary that may be hard to find somewhere else although I could probably come close. The only issue is the commute. On good days it takes me 45 minutes, on bad days it can be about an hour and 15. Usually I give myself an hour just to be safe. I can sometimes really hate the commute. Two hours a day just driving makes me crazy if I think about the waste of time that it is. I already do books on tape and all that to try to pass the time, but it only works so much. So, assuming that I have to work for a total of 2 more years, should I look for a job close to home that would cut down on my commute, but take the chance of not liking the job or the people as much? Or should I stay with a job that I know I love, the only thing being bad about it is the commute? Is a one hour commute that unreasonable?

Thank you so much. This encapsulates what I have been trying to focus on 😊

No, my half of the 401K won't be touched. I will have to cash in other investment accounts and use cash on hand to pay off everything that needs to be paid. I will probably end up with about $10,000 cash when all is said and done. So then I just buckle down and build back up my savings. I plan on (trying) to bank his alimony payment each week for at least a year. So far I have lived off of my paycheck alone by living somewhat frugally so I will just continue with that.

I think this is what kicked off my panic episode. From the beginning I did not want to be either a burden to anybody or beholden to anybody. My sister insists that I am neither and that we are a team together in this. Living with her for the last 4 years has been the happiest I have been in a while and it is the same for her. It has really turned out wonderfully that we are together. BUT ..... the thought that without her opening her home and without the safety of her having a place for me I don't know where I would be. And then I start worrying if something happens to her. Then she says "But you have children and other family" and then I panic thinking of having to burden my children and round and round it goes. Logically I make plenty between my job and what I will get in alimony. But having this happen in my mid-50's, not knowing for so long how much money I will have, not having a home of my own ...... it's been tough. I also get so mad at my STBX because he wanted a "traditional" marriage where I did all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing. So I purposely did not work on establishing my career. But then, after having an agreement for 25 years of marriage, his answer is for me to go out and get a better job. The lack of compassion from him is breath taking.

I just updated this in the original post!

Ok, I spoke to soon .... maybe? According to my lawyer, the clerk mailed out the judge's ruling yesterday (9/12/19) --- so as soon as my attorney gets it in the mail they will email to me. I am assuming that will be Monday. I can't believe they MAIL the freakin' thing instead of emailing it! I guess I shouldn't complain (but I will) -- my attorney said she really thought it would take longer. The way it was explained to me, it takes so long depending on how many cases the judge has before mine to review. I believe she has to research law stuff etc. So while ours would seem to be straightforward (no child custody or support issues, no property squabbles, anything messy like that) it still depends on how many cases are before us. There will be a lot of drinking this weekend for sure.

Just a (non) update .... It has been about 7 weeks since we finished the trial. When I checked in with my attorney she said it could be "months" before we get a decision. Ugh. I'm hoping it is not that long. I can only move on with my life so much without this situation being wrapped up 😞

Very cool! Thank you 😊

I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but when my girls were younger and entering that "the world is always ending" phase I wanted a way to show them that what is frustrating them today is probably something they will scoff at later. I printed out a picture of a baby having a crying fit and then I taped it to a kitchen cabinet. After that, any time they came to me with their "world-ending" problems we would talk it out, and then I would have them write on the crying baby picture a sentence or two about what they were upset about. We had things like "I hate my braces", "I did poorly on a test", "Billy talked to another girl today". I kept the picture up the whole school year and at the end of the year we took it down and revisited all the tear-inducing moments. Except that now time had passed and they realized they were no longer upset about such things. I believe it helped them with the concept of "This, too, shall pass" that I am always trying to drill into them. And it made for some funny memories haha. Just as an aside, one night we were having Chinese food and for some reason my youngest, who was about 11 at the time, was having a bad night. I suggested we all try out our fortune cookies to try to lighten the mood. When she opened up hers, it was a dud. It said "It's better to be the beak on a chicken than the tail of a donkey". She immediately burst into tears (I guess that was the last straw) and she burst out with "I hate my hair, I have no friends, and I stink at playing softball!" None of those things were true but to her it was momentous. 3 months later, looking at that on the screaming baby picture and she was able to laugh at it. 😊 Maybe you could print out a picture that is relevant to him? Iron Man or something?

I decided to buy a small table easel (I got it at Michael's on sale for $30) and set it up at one end of my kitchen table. I just put an old cloth down underneath it so no paint will get on the table. I took the paint by number canvas and stretched it over a blank canvas that was mounted on a frame and thumb-tacked it down. All the youtube videos I watched did not show to do this but I feel like it gives me more stability. Same with the easel -- I tend to have a bad back and I think the easel makes it so I do not have to lean over so far. You can also just spin the picture to have the portion you are working on closest to you. I just keep it set up on my kitchen table but I think it would be easy to move if needed. It's just the canvas, some small pots of paint, and some paintbrushes. On a side note, I find the "time lapse" videos on youtube of people painting by numbers very relaxing! Sometimes I watch those right before I go to bed. 🙂

They advise to fill in one color first, then move on to the next color, either going from light to dark or dark to light in order to see how colors work together. I started out that way but now have just been filling in colors depending on the area I am working on. All you really need for this is a steady hand 🙂