Another thing to consider ASAP is some sort of tracking device on your MIL since she wanders. Here in my town, in a friend's neighborhood, someone's dad (with dementia) was out for his daily walk in their neighborhood a couple years ago, and he didn't come back. I guess he got completely lost. Neighbors/FB friends/etc/police were out in force searching for him for days. They finally found him, but he had already died from exposure. It was mid-fall. He was only a mile or so from home, and had essentially stumbled into some brush off the road/path and not gotten up/out. That haunted me when my own mom was diagnosed. Apparently, many communities have programs through local law enforcement. They put an ankle GPS on the person. It is not "activated" until/unless they are lost, and then the police can find them quickly. I searched and searched for a less intrusive option, but couldn't find one. We never used this, but I have an acquaintance who uses it on their adult son (with mental impairment, I think autism). He was similarly lost in a (local) national forest several years ago, and it took over 24 hours to find him. It was really traumatic for all. He was OK. But, they then got him the tracker, and so far as I know (whenever I've seen them out around town), he wears it 24/7. That might be something to push for before the weather turns, especially if you are in a part of the country where night time temps go below 60. When that man died from exposure here, it was just mid-October here in WV, so probably night time temps not below 50 or so. It wasn't during a freak snow storm or anything like that.

Sounds like you have discovered the core truth of dementia care . . . Keep trying different things . . . and keep doing the things that work! It's really a lot like parenting! Hang in there. Your in-laws are so fortunate to have you in the family.

I'm so sorry your MIL is in such bad shape. Ugh. Don't forget that a sudden decline is VERY often related to an undiagnosed UTI. Don't discount that. I found them several times in just the 18 months Mom lived with us.

Distraction usually works. Oftentimes, it is much better to enter "Alzheimer's World" and just agree with her. In this case, you could agree that the lint balls are annoying, and suggest washing them and putting on a "better" pair. Offer her two choices of "better" pants, and see if she goes for it. And, yes, if the fixation is harmless, then it's usually best to ignore it (when distraction, etc, doesn't work). If it's any comfort, usually the fixation disappears completely and doesn't recur. She will completely forget about it once an effective distraction has worked. Just don't bring it up again when the "bad" pants come out of the wash! She might benefit from having something to keep her hands busy. If she can knit or crochet, she might very well remember how if she did it for many years, and a simple project like a scarf might keep her hands busy. With advanced cases, when she can't do much useful with her hands, then folding towels can be helpful. Sometimes folks will give the patient a basket of kitchen towels or cloth napkins to fold. And each day, you can bring back the same basket of (now unfolded) towels if you don't generate enough clean wash to keep her busy. Of course, if she's able to fold clothes, etc, that could actually be helpful. It is really nice to find ways for her to be actually contributing to the family. Asking her for help with a task is often very effective. My mom could help me peel potatoes or similar simple kitchen tasks until her final stroke (that left her bed bound for a few days until she passed away). I think it was really good for her to feel like she was helping and still LIVING. Dusting could be a similar task. Just be sure to give her safe tools/etc. (A microfiber rag, not a can of aerosol spray cleaner!) If she will watch TV/etc, I found "Family" type movies -- those sorts of simple story lines on the LifeTime channel or similar -- like romance novel type stories -- or the romances on some Christian cable channel, had simple enough story lines and not lots of chaos/confusion -- that Mom could enjoy watching them. My mom loved horse and dog movies, so I would choose those sorts of PG/G rated (not scary, not violent) "family" movies that Mom could enjoy, and we'd watch them together (and I could be multi-tasking or leave the room periodically). And, FWIW, I did block FOX News (Mom was a devoted liberal Democrat, so that was not a big loss, lol, but she had lost the ability to identify that it was not "her kind" of news channel, lol. News channels and the weather channel really did ramp up her anxiety. Horse movies, sweet simple romance movies, etc, were MUCH better. There is a big unmet market for dementia friendly media, IMHO. Anyway, if you can find a show she'd engage in, that can be a good distraction. Mom liked puzzles, and she'd do puzzles with me (or a care giver). We bought the "large piece" ones. I started with 300 piece ones and ultimately gradually had to go down to 100 piece puzzles. (Sad.) Unfortunately, she was with it enough to realize that she'd "already done that one" so I had to buy a LOT of puzzles (especially when some stupid caregiver would "help her" with the puzzle by completing it in an hour when it could have kept her entertained for many hours . . .) I think I spent probably 300-500 bucks on those (many) puzzles over the few months when they were working well for us, lol. Of course, I'd be doing the puzzle "with her" but the way to do it was to simply help collect the right pieces and put them in a spot for her to "do" . . . If a "with it" person just plows through the puzzle, then she didn't get much fun out of it and even got discouraged. Grrr. Anyway, you could try that. Look on Amazon at "Ravensburger large piece puzzle"s. They're really nice quality and good size pieces that are easy to handle. They have dozens, all sorts of patterns. I'd start with 100-200 piece puzzles right now, and adjust up or down depending . . . It's fun because it's something Mom had always done at holidays, etc, so it was a familiar activity that felt "normal".

Well, IMHO, no matter the situation, the dad has a moral duty to remain connected with each of his children. IMHO, that should mean the dad going to see his son, taking him to outings together, getting his own apartment for weekend visits, separating from his wife, or doing whatever else is necessary to nurture and be involved with his son. ESPECIALLY if there is some risk that the child has been abused! If his 7 year old did a bad thing (I'm hesitant to label it abuse at that young an age), the child needs his dad. Period. He's a baby! IMHO, a parent's duty to their minor child trumps all other relationships. If he has to choose between his new wife and his child, he has to choose his child. If he has to choose between living with his wife/step-daughter and his son, he has to choose his son. IMHO. If the 5yo is his actual daughter, then he is in a really, really shitty situation, and I can't even imagine what he should do. But, one way or another, he has to parent and support and love his children, and he has to protect all of them from all sources of harm. Whether or not it was ordinary playing doctor exploration, an inadvertent accident, a non-sexual behavior (smacking on butt? wedgie?) on his part that was interpreted as not-OK by the little girl . . . or was truly a malevolent abusive action (presumably caused by some tragic, awful experiences the boy has had), counseling/support, etc, should be sought for all involved. IMHO. What a terrible situation.

With my mom, I did find it VERY helpful to have a white board with what was going on for the day. I actually got (two) week-at-a-time white board calendars. I'd mark on the day what was going on that day, and then I'd X the day out when it passed. This was VERY helpful. One of the best things I did, actually. She could always see what was happening today and on the next few days. Also very helpful were a couple "dementia clocks" . One was like an iPad and just displayed "It is Wednesday morning" and the other was a big digital clock that said, "Wednesday, March 3, 2015" or something like that. Sound ridiculous, but VERY helpful! Another thing that was helpful was just to print out a list of what we're/she's doing today and leave it by her bed for when she wakes and/or accessible all day. Simple list with times. Also, folks with dementia can often process the written word much better than spoken words. SO, having things written down really is helpful.

They have/had homeschool days (great prices) in January! We went several years ago then and it was awesome. You can even go to the water parks! No big crowds for us at that time.

Oh, Creekland, I'm so sorry. I hate it that I recognize everything you are saying. BTDT on all counts with my own mom. A couple months before she passed away, my dh of 22 years, who she always liked better than me (he's more likable, lol), got an overdue hair cut. When he sat down at our shared dinner table (she lived with us by then), she had no idea who he was. She never did *believe* me that he was him . . . She really believed I'd got rid of him and replaced him with a new hottie. But, oddly, she would just sort of accept what I told her (that he was my dh, same guy . . .) through force of will because *I* told her so, and she had decided to trust anything I said. From the periodic questions she'd ask about him after that, it was clear that she never really recognized him again, but she just sort of said "whatever" and accepted it . . . Personally, I would NOT advise moving her to another environment unless you have no choice (financially or for your FIL's wellbeing). Moving during ALZ is very disruptive and upsetting, and very often results in rapid and irreversible decline. I would encourage getting in home help ASAP, more for your FIL's wellbeing than anything else, so he can have some respite. You are experiencing the sweetness that ALZ can bring. It brought it in my mom. It is tender and soft like a little child. She was always a loving great woman, but the dependency of ALZ brings something very different. Not many people talk about that. They talk about the ugliness and the aggression, but I never experienced that with Mom. I personally feel like an ideal environment can go a LONG way toward minimizing those potential bad things and maximizing the positives in life. If finances allow it, I'd hire help ASAP. Just getting a sweet, caring, gentle woman in there a few hours most days will be a respite for your FIL, a help with housekeeping/dressing/fixing her hair/bathing/etc. And if you can find the right person, your MIL can feel safe and cared for and it can be very good. Personally, I had great success with word-of-mouth private pay people, and much less success with agencies. Agency aides came and went like crazy. I paid $20/hr but the aides only got 9-10/hr, so it was just a shitty job and they moved on rapidly and/or were never great from the beginning. In contrast, the private pay people I found were awesome, and I could pay them very well (for our area) and still be paying less than I'd pay the agency. So, they loved the job and worked hard for us. Be watchful for UTIs, for SURE. I personally *just* discovered this year the supplement D-Mannose to prevent (and even treat) UTIs. I *so* wish I'd found it while Mom was alive. It's made a WORLD of difference in my health, and it would have been awesome for mom. She had a long HX of frequent UTIs. Look for it on Amazon. Get the powder (I use the NOW brand) and you just mix a 1/2 tsp with water or juice and it tastes mildly sweet. I'd dose 2x/day. It's super safe, even for diabetics. WORLD of difference. MANY elderly people, especially women, get bad UTIs, especially as dementia begins. A friend's dad with ALZ died 2 weeks ago from a UTI! He'd been in quite good shape (better than your mom), got the UTI, went in hospital, septic, died within days!

Persil (sold at Walmart) is great for stinky clothes. I tried it once, and now I can't go back, lol. At least not until my own stinky boy leaves home! LOL Also, long soaks in the vinegar/detergent/whatever really help. If you have a top loader where you can load, suds, and then leave to soak for a couple hours, I'd definitely do that. I have front loaders, so I can't easily do that, but I've been known to fill the utility sink with detergent/vinegar and clothes . . . I did that last week with some fleece blankets that have been thoroughly stunk up. It worked pretty well. Took a few tries, but I got the stink out.

A Line of Credit is generally open ended, so you can borrow more later, up to a point. For instance, we have a 200k HELOC on our house. (As others have mentioned, I believe it is wise to have lots of credit available, just in case, and we have a lot of equity, so we took a big one, even though we didn't need it at this time. It really is a nice security blanket. ) Our HELOC has a 10 year "draw period", during which we can borrow more or pay down all of it or whatever. Sort of like a credit card, but cheaper rates, deductible interest, etc. During the draw period, we only have to pay minimum payments. At the end of the 10 years, you have to either "re-qualify" for the HELOC -- meaning your credit/income/etc needs to get you the loan again. OR, if you don't want to (or can't) re-qualify, then the outstanding balance converts to an amortized payment over 10-20 years. I forget which (as it was not relevant to our finances.) So, your minimum monthly payments would go up. Our HELOC, like most, is tied to current interest rates, so less than 3%. But they are (all?) variable, so you don't really want to borrow a huge $$ for an indefinite period of time, IMHO. A regular LOC works similarly to a HELOC, but it isn't backed by your home. Down side is you can't deduct the interest on your taxes. Up side is they can't (generally) take your house if you default. IME, LOC would have higher interest than a HELOC, and also require stronger personal financials. The people I've known who've used these sorts of LOCs are small business people with large cash flow variability. I know my mom's (small) law firm had one, because sometimes they'd have clients paying 100k at a time, but running up bills for months/years at times. So, having a LOC to cover a gap between payments was useful in their early years, before they had big cash reserves (and more financially mature partners who could fairly easily forego personal income for a month or two here or there as needed). A LOC (not HELOC) pretty much is a "personal loan" but it has a more flexible terms (draw period, repayment terms) than a personal loan. A personal loan would typically be for a finite period, like a car loan. Say, a personal loan = borrow 5k today, pay it back in 5 years at x% interest in monthly payments. Whereas a LOC is more like the "credit card" thing. Personally, if I were you, I'd talk to your banker wherever you bank. Talk options. For that small a loan, you might not want to bother with a HELOC (as for that, you'll need an appraisal, etc.) BUT, HELOCs usually are hard-sold by your bank, and they generally will pay ALL Those closing costs for you. Our bank did for ours. We paid nada closing costs, not even the appraisal. (Compare to a refi where you pay all your own costs . . .) BUT, 5-10k is way too little for them to want to sell it to you and cover their 1k or more in closing costs . . . so you would probably want to be vague and act like you plan to draw more like 25k to make it worth their while. They might even require you to have an initial draw of $x (ours did, 25k), but you can repay it the next day, no cost to you, lol. Alternately, I'd look at just getting a car loan against any vehicles you have that are worth enough. Your bank can do that, too. Cheap loans, 5-ish year repayment should be plenty for your 5-10k home improvement cost. Or, you can just get a credit card and pay vendor(s) with it for the 5-10k. Hope these ideas are helpful.

Do a Mexican night for one of the non-wedding meals. Carne Asada on the grill (can be prepared in marinate and frozen ahead of time. then just thaw, drain, and grill). Plus a big pot of black beans (likewise can be prepared and frozen). Mexican rice (easy, can be prepped ahead of time and baked day of). Fixings. Your all set. Divine.

I love, love, love CA style tacos. We make carne asada on the grill, a big pot of black beans, soft corn and flour tortillas, guacamole, sometimes Mexican rice, more fixings . . . and mmmmmmm yummy. It's our favorite big-party food, too. I grew up with American style tacos regularly, not every week, because Mom was a really good and varied cook, but maybe monthly. I would *love* a Taco Truck on Every Corner!! Love, love!! I want a t-shirt, actually. They should be available soon, lol.

Rules are very different (in the US) when you rent out part of your home vs the entire thing. Roommate vs landlord . . . I.e., you can discriminate against someone of the "wrong" gender, you can say no pets (even service animals), etc. Not many landlord laws apply . . . So, I think you'd need to clarify if this situation falls into the landlord category or the roommate category. In either situation, though, I'd put the rules in writing, in the lease (and/or a reference to some vague "security rules as posted and updated periodically" to give you some wiggle room to update as needed. For instance, I own a (for-profit, official) rental house where my college girl lives with roommates. I put it into her roommate's leases that they have to abide by various security measures. If they don't, I'll evict them in a flash. I installed the best possible locks and security features to keep my girl (and her roomies) safe. If she had roommates (legally separate tenants, as they have individual leases) that were endangering the safety of her and/or the other roomies, I'd evict them quickly. If I were the landlord in your situation, that's what I'd do. I am pretty sure it will hold up, but of course these sorts of laws vary HUGELY from state to state and even town to town. I mean, even in my situation, I have a duty to keep the other tenants safe, not just my daughter. Landlords can get held liable for not having reasonable security features (i.e., not working locks, doors that won't lock, etc.) So, if someone was sharing the key/codes/etc or not locking up, they'd be endangering everyone, and I'd be liable for that to some degree. I'd err on the side of safety, and evict as needed. There are always potential risks/liabilities when you do business, but I'd rather risk being liable for a few bucks for an unjust eviction than being liable for someone getting hurt or killed.

Probably because you had your babies in a hospital or with a formal medical midwife at home? I had one of mine at home in a state where there were no legal attendants (GA, lay midwives were illegal and nurse midwifes legally prohibited from attending home births as a condition of licensure), so we had to go to the tiny courthouse in our town, swear that we'd had our baby all my ourselves at home . . . in order to get her birth certificate. Our "friend" advised us on the need to do this, and we were certainly not off-the-grid people, but I'm also pretty anal about paperwork/legal stuff. I could totally see (some) other families just flaking out and not getting it done. I think there was a serious time limit too, like maybe we needed to go do it within 2-4 weeks of birth or something like that. So, anyway, if you have a lay midwife, it is entirely possible that you have to go to some effort to get the birth certificates. We did for babe #1. :) (One of my kids was born in a hospital. One was born at home with a nurse midwife in a formal medical practice. For those two, I didn't have to do anything to get their birth certificates other than maybe pay a few $$ to get extra copies. It was all automatic.)

This is heartbreaking. For me, that is one of the main reasons I intend to have $$$$$ banked before retirement. So any help can be hired as needed to avoid separation. Everyone who knows me knows loud and clear that I'd prefer dead to separated from my husband. Toss me off a cliff, but don't put me in a home away from dh. Period. End stop. I think it is so horrible that our elder care systems frequently result in separating spouses. It's horrible.

This is a great idea. I think dealing with an intact couple aging is super complicated. My mom was unmarried when she developed ALZ, so I didn't have that complication. You'd think it'd be helpful to have a spouse/caretaker, but there are complications as well. At the end of the day, though, if you trust that your FIL loves your MIL, and he is of sound mind, and he is a good person, then I would tread very, very carefully. I know that for me, I want to be with DH until I drop. Period. There would be no greater injury you could do to me than separate me from him. So, anyway, I'd respect his "rights" to be her caretaker, while doing all I could to support/help and also to cajole/convince . . . If there comes a time when FIL is not of sound mind or MIL is clearly being neglected, it will become very clear, and then you will have to be more assertive . . . (((hugs))) This is a terrible disease.

Darla, I think you are being quite mean to Audrey. She posted a light hearted solution that, if your original query had been sincere, was certainly not a cruel or unloving approach. You essentially baited us, and then you "smacked" Audrey when she replied. Not nice. Not nice at all. You owe her a real apology, IMHO. I am irritated that you essentially used us as entertainment without letting us in on your joke. This board is interesting and helpful because many thoughtful people here take time to offer sincere answers to other's queries. That doesn't work well if boardies can't safely assume that a query by another member is a sincere question vs a troll-type query. In the future, I suggest you avoid these sorts of posts or clearly mark them as "This isn't real, but just for giggles . . . WWYD . . ." or similar. I certainly wouldn't have read further, or bothered posting, if I'd known your post was utterly made-up with no real-world significance. I'd like my 10 minutes back, please.

I don't know if your mom has dementia. But, it is common in elderly people. My mom had dementia/Alzheimer's. One of the more disturbing things about dementia is a regression to a child-like sort of self-centeredness. In my experience, I think the thing that happens as the thinking/reasoning/independence devolves is that they become more child-like as they are dependent on you/your family for their survival/safety/comfort/everything and at the same time, you/your family seem so capable/authoritative. I think Mom just knew we were all OK and wonderful, and that we had to be (or else she'd die!), and so she just mostly stopped worrying about us, and that sometimes felt like she didn't care. At times, she'd have flashes of that old care-taking feeling, but they were rare, and probably compounded by the fact that the rest of us tried to shield her from worries/bad things anyway. For perspective, I remember when my mom told me she and my step-dad were getting divorced. I was 14. My first question was, "Can I still have my horse?" My mom's marriage was falling apart, but all I was concerned about was if we could afford for me to keep my (expensive) horse. I don't recall feeling a lot of worry about Mom. I was glad to be rid of my step-dad who annoyed me, and I was glad we were financially OK, and that was about all I recall. I wasn't a terrible person, but I was a self-centered 14 year old. It's *really* hard to accept that shift in a parent. For me, that was probably the hardest personal part of dealing with my mom's decline. She'd been a great mom. Always putting her kids and grandkids first and discounting her own needs. Losing that was brutal. In essence, something I realized not long after she died . . . My mom became MY child. During her disease, I grieved my loss of my parent/mom as she couldn't express/do the care-taking that was the hallmark of her as my mom. Once she actually died, I grieved the dependent-mom that I hadn't realized I had. I was so busy care-taking her that I hadn't recognized that my love for her had morphed into a love for a child. Her dependency on me -- her just KNOWING that I could fix everything and answer all questions and she'd accept any thing I said as gospel. That sort of acceptance/awe/love that a small child gives you . . . Anyway, I hadn't realized any of that until she was gone. Then I realized that I missed that child-Mom in addition to missing my Mom-Mom and of course also grieving for her own loss of her self. I'm not sure if any of that can make sense to anyone who hasn't yet walked the entire circle of life with their parent, but if it does, maybe it'll help you frame this new part of your relationship with your mom.

We employ a lot of young people at our vet hospital. We have about a dozen employees at any one time. Over a dozen years, we've probably employed 40+ people, due to pretty high turnover with our entry level staff (lots of undergrad college kids who move on). We would NEVER even give someone with that appearance (or any part of it) an interview (if we saw them when they handed in an application), let alone hire them for any position whatsoever. Nope, no way. And, FWIW, we are uber liberal socially and politically, etc. If I met an odd appearing person like that personally, I would do my best not to judge. (While wondering in my head what was wrong with them . . .) I certainly wouldn't refuse to sell you a widget if you had vampire teeth. Nor would I refuse to rent you a house (although plenty of people would, I am sure). But, we run a business, serving the public, with thousands of clients. We choose employees who present a professional, not startling, appearance. Our employees need to project a positive, welcoming, friendly, safe, reliable vibe. Our clients need to trust us, and our employees are required to project an appearance that invites trust. Our clients need to be able to focus on their own needs, their pets' needs, and they don't need to be wondering about whether our staff is trustworthy or not. We have liberal clients and we have conservative ones. We have crazy ones and we have sane ones. We have plenty who wouldn't have a problem with a vampire staff member, but certainly most would at least be distracted and have some negative association with our practice if we had a vampire employee. And some smaller subset would find it objectionable enough to choose a different provider or just to not recommend us to their friends, etc. We don't allow those big gages or visible tattoos either. (And I have 2 tattoos, and dh has one.) If you want to work for us, you have to look like an ordinary, friendly, safe, not shocking or startling, person. If you want to make a statement with your appearance, you can do it, but you can't do it while working for us (so you'd have to be able to hide/remove your oddness while on the clock, and you better do that before coming in for the application/interview, or you'll never work for us, as we don't invite trouble by knowingly hiring people with problems that we'll have to negotiate/monitor). Clearly, appearance issues related to protected classes and/or medical or disability issues aren't what I'm talking about. We are an Equal Opportunity employer on all fronts, including classes that are not protected in our state such as gender/sexuality/etc. We're proud to take the chance that an asshole client might not like that we have a gay employee or a black employee. We are proud to "take one for the team" and lose a few clients who might prefer only straight, white, thin employees . . . but, we're not taking one for the "vampire teeth" or "quarter sized holes in ears" or "tattoos on my face to make me look like a cat" teams. You want to look unusual for your own reasons, but that's not my problem and it's not going to be my business's problem either.

Call the non-emergency number of the police.

Your experience with the health department confirms my opinions (based on lots of second hand reports) that health departments are NOT reliably well versed/staffed when it comes to rabies exposure. I'm so glad you were able to capture the bat for testing (even though his work to capture it likely strongly elevated your dh's exposure) . . . Just make sure you move heaven and earth to get that bat tested! ASAP!

If you add a nice quality ($200ish for a F or Q size) 3" (or so) gel foam "topper" to a futon or pullout, you'll have a pretty darn comfy bed. Those toppers are miracles. My dd's horrible dorm mattress felt "awesome" with a good topper.

I bought my system directly from Ooma.com. They were great with helping me figure out my set up. Yes, you can use multiple handsets. I bought the handsets through OOMA. I actually have five handsets, and I ported over 2 numbers (my mom was living with us, and I wanted to keep the number she'd had for decades). It was all quite painless with a couple quick calls to OOMA to figure out how to make Mom's number just ring to one handset. If I hadn't had that complication, I don't think I'd have even needed to call them at all. But, yes, all you need is the $100(ish) base station plus if you want the fancy handsets, you can buy them from OOMA. (You can use any old phone if you like. I liked the photo-caller-ID element since Mom had dementia/Alzheimer's).

I love Ooma. Been using it about 2 1/2 years. No looking back. Way great. You can easily port over your current number, too.

For sure Full if you have room. Queen is even better if her room is large enough. Full will allow for comfy sleep-overs for two girls/young women for many years to come. Q will only be needed once it's in use for an adult couple, so probably 15-20 years from now. :) Both my older teens moved up to Full by age 14 or so. Dd because we had plenty of space and a nice antique F size brass bed for her, and ds was way too tall for a Twin by age 14. (If height runs in your family, then I'd want go to Full by age 12 for a boy, for sure, if at all possible.) (My youngest is still in a Twin by choice, and she's tiny, so it may last for a while, but we also have lots of guest space with Q beds for sleepovers, etc.)