HOW to encourage independent play with an extrovert? Help!

[MaryMak07]

I have an almost five year old and KNOW that play is good for him, but he is an EXTREME extrovert and hates all things independent. (He recently told me if he could choose he would never ever be alone and that he'd always have someone playing with him!)

 

He has a 2.5yo sister who he will sometimes play with but hat often turns into bickering/fighting. I can sometimes get them to play together for 20-30 minutes if I'm lucky.

 

He will do a 1 hr quiet time upstairs but that's about it. Getting any sort of independent play from him is like pulling teeth!!

 

We have a small back yard that's fenced - he thinks it's torture to be sent out to play. He wants to be interacting with someone ALLLLL the time. If I tell him I'm not playing he mopes or cries or says he doesn't want to do anything at all.

 

How do I help him learn to play alone (and gain a bit more sanity from a break?)? He's always been like this - the 1 hr quiet time was a huge win after lots and lots of practice and him listening to audiobooks. I really want to encourage him to play alone more and with his sister more but don't know quite how. Thoughts??

[MotherGoose]

You have a choice to either play alone for a bit or do a chore. He might be a bit young for that, but probably not. My response to "I'm bored" in my house gets,"well y can either find something to do or I'll find you something to do." A five year old might think scrubbing the baseboards is sort of fun for a bit anyway. :)

[SamanthaCarter]

I have one of those, he's been that way since toddlerhood and he still doesn't leave me alone at 10.  One thing I have found that helps is to go ahead and play at something with him for a while with a stated end time, because you need to do X. When that time comes, he was/is more able to run with something for a while, whether the activity you were on, or something you set him up with, puzzle, legos, or something he wandered toward himself. I think just that little bit of connection helps get the creative juices running. He'll come back, or go pick on his sisters after a while once he's reached his limit on independent play. It's tough. 

 

It's kind of funny, my middle dd will go put herself in "alone time" once she's had too much of DS. If your dd is an introvert like mine, I'll bet she'll end up doing the same.  :laugh:

[TKDmom]

Ohmygosh. My 7yo is like that. I'm an extreme introvert and I was an only child. Dd is like, "I want to go swimming, but nobody will go in the pool with me." Or "nobody will play on the trampoline with me." In her whiniest voice.

 

I don't get it. I keep trying to tell her that I *always* played by myself at her age. Surely she can play by herself for half an hour. I would have loved to have a trampoline all to myself.

 

Maybe I should introduce her to my gang of imaginary friends...

[Bics]

Laughing because I typed desperately "introvert mother homeschool" a few months ago and found a slew of pages of mothers like me . . . and you!  My eldest will complain that her little sister (2years younger) won't leave her alone and I just have to bite my lip to keep from saying, "That's how I feel about you!" lol.  But seriously, two years ago, when she was 6 and the 2nd one 4, I used that to build a bridge.  I realized that when I felt my boundaries pushed and needed time alone and couldn't get it, I was getting strung out and unnecessarily cranky--especially in the afternoons.  I just told her, "I feel my boundaries being crossed.  I need quiet time."  And she could accept that for a bit without perceiving it as a rejection of her personally.  Because before, when I would tell my daughters to go play, they perceived it as rejection and it hurt their feelings.

 

I have noticed that mine bicker when they have too much time together. For us, it has come to needing more to do.  At the first hint of bickering, I find a job for the one that most needs to be removed.  Mine are folding and putting up laundry, their rooms have never been cleaner, I have them trolling the house for the toddler's toys, vacuuming with our little hand-held vacuum cleaner, scrubbing grout lines in the tile with a toothbrush (just a small, manageable spot), helping with meal prep, setting the table, and now that school has started again--flashcards! 

 

I am also carrying extra weight and need to exercise, so I have been trying to be proactive and seek them out when I want to exercise, or dance around the house, or fold laundry, or whatever, so that they aren't always seeking me out when I actually need quiet time.  It seems to help satisfy some need in my daughters for me to ask them--and they usually happily run off afterwards for a little while. (a whole ten minutes! lol)

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

For children that are extremely extroverted, it isn't just that they need to play with someone else it is that they gain energy and a sense of well-being from being with others.  Just like most introverts start to feel drained from being with others too much, many extroverts can even start to suffer from depression if they don't have frequent opportunities to interact with others.  It is especially hard on children because they have little control over when they get to be with other kids/adults.  As an adult I can choose to join a book club or try to pick a career where I interact with others frequently or maybe I do volunteer work or invite friends over for coffee, etc.  As a child I don't have that same type of control of my needs. 

 

Are there any other children in your neighborhood that you could invite over to play with him for a set amount of time?  Or is there a play group he could join?  Maybe a Mother's Day Out program where he could hang out with other kids once in a while?

 

My son is a child who desperately needed interaction with others, far more than I could provide.  There were no kids in our neighborhood that he could play with.  I put him in a day school setting for a couple of hours a day at our church and he THRIVED.  He loved every minute of it.  He made friends and came home so happy and fulfilled.  He still wanted to interact with me but his needs were not as high since he had had the chance to be with others.  As he has matured he has also learned how to entertain himself without others but I also have to keep cognizant of the fact that for his mental health he NEEDS other people.  That is how he is wired.  

 

It is frequently hard for introverts to understand how strong that need for social interaction can be, just as it is frequently hard for extroverts to recognize how draining social situations can be for introverts.  Neither is wrong.  They just have different needs.

 

Hugs and good luck.

[SamanthaCarter]

What OSAAT said. I'm strongly considering a trial of an afterschool program for my DS at our YMCA. If they will let me. They've known DS there since his 4th birthday, and they have zero problem with homeschoolers. He'd be the only one NOT from the local middle school. 

Edited August 25, 2016 by SamanthaCarter

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by Cathi

[goldenecho]

Honestly, for an extroverted 5 year old, 1 hours play is pretty good.   I had two extroverts (one extreme).  But it will get better as they get older. 

[Starr]

We have a cat like that. Honestly I keep telling her that the kids played better by themselves!

[MaryMak07]

We do play dates weekly and he will play with kids at the gym (2-3x a week), but at home he will do NOTHING besides 1 hr of quiet time. He wants me to do everything with him. Fun toys don't matter if we can't play them together. And it's starting to drive me nuts!

[mom2scouts]

Oh, you have my sympathy. I have two of those. One is grown and still shows up and hangs around the house if none of his friends are available. The other is almost 10 and she constantly wants me to play with her. I either have to involve her in what I'm doing or make sure she's active with other people as much as possible.

[domestic_engineer]

I don't know if this will help, but it's what I used to do with my more extroverted kids, especially my oldest ds who was an 'only' for 9 years.  I would have him follow me around as I did chores, helping and chattering at the same time.  And when I was cooking.  I found I could listen just enough to ask a few questions or to respond every now and then, to make him happy.  Meanwhile, they were slowly learning to do whatever chore I was doing.  So we both got what we wanted in the most painless way possible (I'm an introvert).   :)

Thanks for sharing your experience!  I tried it this morning and got cleaning done AND time with the extrovert.  Wow.  You're a genius and a miracle worker!!  :)