Asynchronous/2E kids: finding balance between remediating and accelerating

[lewelma]

I know a lot of you have asynchronous or 2E kids, so I am curious how you balance the push forward in strengths with the shoring up of weaknesses.  How do you balance it in terms of time (both yours and the child's) and resources? How do you talk to your kid about the large dichotomy of skill level? When do you worry enough to remediate vs assume that it will all come out OK in the end?  

 

I'd love to start an open conversation and see where it leads us.

 

Ruth in NZ 

[eternalsummer]

I am at the very beginning of this situation and so none of my response has any real successful experience behind it, but FWIW:

 

DS is advanced in math and delayed in handwriting (and to an extent other fine motor).  It is not severe in either case (he's not a genius and he's not severely dysgraphic).  

 

Right now I don't think of it as remediating when we work on different things to improve handwriting skills or accommodate handwriting difficulty; I just think of it (and thus present it) as trying this thing for a while to make this other thing easier.  (right now, we are learning cursive to make writing easier).  this DS is all about things being easier so it is an effective approach :)  

 

I've had to be really open with DS, and quite direct, about his strengths and weaknesses.  He went to a Waldorf methods charter for the first half of the year and when we were considering pulling him out, I told him there was a gifted charter down the street he could maybe go to next year.  He told me he couldn't do that because he wasn't gifted.  He reads 3-4 grade levels above and picks up most math concepts on the first try.  I said of course he was gifted, why did he think he wasn't?  He said he was a slow knitter (they knit a lot at the Waldorf) and his handwriting and watercolor form paintings were terrible, so of course the other kids were smarter than him.

 

So he had gotten a pretty clear misconception from school about what intelligence meant; I set him straight and it helped a lot - not only with his self-confidence about being smart, but also, surprisingly, with how he feels about working on things that are difficult for him (like handwriting).  

 

 

[Zoo Keeper]

:bigear:

 

(I have to feed the baby, but I want in on this conversation...not sure if I should talk or just listen...)

 

Thanks for starting this, Ruth.

[Jackie]

I am definitely listening. I'm also at the early end of this. DD turns 6 next month. She is advanced in math, but only by about 2 years. Language is where her crazy discrepancies most appear - she can read anything put in front of her, comprehend at a middle school level, but written output is kindy level. She prefers her science and history at a late elementary level, but can't do the written output of any program at that level.

 

Because of her age, academics are still mostly her choice. We switch up our classes every six weeks, with her choosing two topics and me choosing one, plus Spanish always being one class. Right now, I'm focusing my choice on writing and spelling (her relative weaknesses) and she is choosing classes based on her relative strengths.

[lewelma]

 

He said he was a slow knitter

:D

 

My kids are older, but I'm struggling with making room for remediating 2e issues, and to do so I have to drop something. Of course the first thing to drop is all the fun/enriching stuff because the other subjects *have* to get done.  But then I wonder, do they?  At what point am I homeschooling to give my ds the best childhood and education that he can have.  Why not go my own way for a bit longer? Weighing up the consequences of that choice, however, is very tricky as I can't see the future.  Somewhere there is a balance and I can't quite figure out where. I let my older fly with his strengths, and it tuned out fine.  Why am I having so much trouble doing the same with his younger brother?

[Mama0f 2]

All we can do is to try our best to help them succeed in the world out there as it is. I have an 11 year old son, gifted in all subject matter, but with cerebral palsy that slows him down physically, mostly showing up in writing speed and in bilateral gross motor tasks. We use dragon software, and for everything else I just give him the time he needs and "let him fly", as you so aptly put it.

 

My 10 yo daughter, like myself, lacks common sense in some contexts. We believe she may be an aspie, but she definitely has traits regardless. She is 2 years ahead in science, one in math (although she can complete graphs and algebraic and quadratic equations, which we practice sporadically), and can comprehend at the high school level in literature. Although she says she "hates reading", she writes fantastic books and enjoys listening to books on tape and perusing graphic novels. Both of my children have handwriting that amazes me, in a good way.

 

I guess my opinion here is that we are raising little human beings and no two are alike. Trust your instinct in providing more guidance and structure for the second boy.

[Kerileanne99]

Funnily enough, we had an in-depth conversation about this today. Alex is young (6) and so far seems to be globally gifted...but had more than her fair share of social/emotional issues, which we are really trying to devote more time to working on.

 

She loves a game called Top Trumps. We were playing a Greek a Mythology version today. If you are not familiar with it, each player draws a card and chooses a category such as strength, wisdom, etc. Each character has definite strengths and weaknesses. This was a great way to have an open dialogue on the subject, and how we can work on them, recognize that each individual is unique and different and had their own place...

 

Following this thread because I can see that it will be an ongoing issue.

[Julie of KY]

... long response about math specifics in your other thread, but here's some general thoughts.

 

I have four kids, three of them are 2E - my 16yo, 12yo, and 9yo.

 

Keep teaching. Separate out the pieces of their learning as much as you can. For instance, just because my son couldn't write his numbers (at all) didn't mean that I couldn't teach him multiplication. I know part of math is learning to write it out, but they became very different skills at my home.

 

Keep a balance - spend time just teaching in the way they learn; also spend time teaching skills they NEED to learn. Follow your instincts and realize that when they are getting frustrated it is often for a good reason - like you are pushing too hard for something they are just not ready for.

 

Accommodate as needed and separate out that component that needs to be worked on to do separately.

 

I talk very openly with my kids about how each child is created individually. Their brains are wired differently than many other people. This makes them highly gifted in some areas, but makes it more difficult to learn in a traditional way in other areas. This generally will always be a problem for them, but often can learn to work around these "weaknesses". It causes them to look at the world differently which often brings a much needed different perspective into the mix.

 

[Julie of KY]

:D

 

My kids are older, but I'm struggling with making room for remediating 2e issues, and to do so I have to drop something. Of course the first thing to drop is all the fun/enriching stuff because the other subjects *have* to get done.  But then I wonder, do they?  At what point am I homeschooling to give my ds the best childhood and education that he can have.  Why not go my own way for a bit longer? Weighing up the consequences of that choice, however, is very tricky as I can't see the future.  Somewhere there is a balance and I can't quite figure out where. I let my older fly with his strengths, and it tuned out fine.  Why am I having so much trouble doing the same with his younger brother?

 

I hear you.  :confused1: 

 

With my 16 yo highly gifted, severely dysgraphic son I go back and forth. Same with my other kids that are younger. I struggle with what is best. I tend to go back and forth, usually intentionally. I'll push for awhile and then I'll back off and just let him learn however and whatever he wants. Certain details I've just given up on saying it's no longer worth the effort when he doesn't really need that piece (like writing lower case letters).

 

This year (11th grade) I intentionally pushed and it's been a struggle (but I'd do it again).  He needed to learn that he could do certain workloads and overcome certain struggles. At the same time, I don't think it's worthwhile to always push - it just leads to frustration and stress. I am going to let his senior year be more to his learning style - push some, but mostly just let him learn how he learns best (not on paper). I'll continue to push some, but all my instincts say that I need to just let him learn his way for awhile again. It's a hard juggling act as I try to prepare him for college. I'm also trying to teach him how to get/use the accommodations he needs as he'll continue to need them in college.

 

As my 16 yo has dramatically improved in areas of weakness, I thought his schoolwork would become easier. However, if anything it's been harder as he's ready for the higher challenge but has to work everyday to work around is learning difficulties.

 

I'm afraid my 12 yo is going down the same path of it becoming harder as she gets older. She is dyslexic/dysgraphic and listens to all her books rather than reading them. She is capable of reading so that doesn't limit her paperwork. I thought as she got older the reading and writing would improve, but it remains a great challenge. She reads for fun, but listens to all her schoolwork. She's a very gifted writer, but as the quantity of writing increases it's become much more difficult for her and she wants me to scribe. I sigh. I think it will be a tough road into high school with her. If I had to make a guess, I'd say she's headed toward an English major which will be very interesting to navigate with her challenges.

 

I just had a long discussion with the psych about my 9 yo. He said, no matter how good they get at reading it will always be a disability since their brains simply process it differently. It's a tough road, but it gives them strengths that others don't have.

 

As I like to say, I think following your instincts as a mom is always good even though we tend to question ourselves especially when comparing to others.

[Julie of KY]

I guess I never thought of it as strengths/weaknesses...

 

I started thinking of my 2E kids as having specific strengths after reading the Dyslexic Advantage. When they process the information differently from others it makes certain academic tasks more difficult, but they often shine in another area compared to average. My kids are certainly this way.

 

[Targhee]

We have 3 who are 2e, but my oldest is the most extreme and the most puzzling. No one has been able to put a finger in the language issues she has, and 3 SLPs have told me they couldn't do any more. So I guess I can't remediate what I can't define.

 

And then there is teasing out some behavior/emotion/social regulation things that could be from giftedness, her ADHD, or the underlying anxiety she inherited. It's like a tangled ball of yarn.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is I work with the child in front of me as much as possible. I try not to get too hung up on the future (I still do, but I try not to). We work steadily and evenly at remediation/intervention, and at the ping-ping zippity-zoom pace in areas of strength. I often circle back and retry things to see if it's just a timing/asynchronous issue. For example, we have begun and stopped note taking skills a few times - each time she wasn't quite ready. We will try again this fall, with a variety of methods. I had to do the same thing with writing, just kept coming back and then setting it aside when overwhelm set in. She eventually was ready, her muscle control improved, her ability to get her big ideas into the confining form of words improved, we moved away from stilted (in her view, scaffolded in mine) approaches, and now she loves writing (creatively at least).

 

My DD isn't as old as your kids, so I'm sure you have that nagging anxiety over the future looming even more closely overhead.

[Incognito]

You asked the million dollar question.  Unfortunately, it's a moving target, that sweet spot, and we all just do our best to aim well and continue on.

 

 Somewhere there is a balance and I can't quite figure out where. I let my older fly with his strengths, and it tuned out fine.  Why am I having so much trouble doing the same with his younger brother?

 

Is it possible that the areas of struggle your child that you are having a harder time with are areas that you somehow see struggle as a problem, whereas with your other child you saw the struggle as something workable?  Maybe that sounds odd or overly obvious.  For me and my perspective, I have two kids who are as different as night and day.  They probably both qualify as 2e, although only one of them is diagnosed.  For one of my kids, the difficulties are so much easier to accommodate in a simple or subtle way than they are for my other child.  So, in my life, it is a lot easier to let the way we do life work and allow for my one child to grow and blossom, but for the other I have had to work very hard about being intentional about pushing and scaffolding and laying off and supporting, etc.  It's much harder.  

 

I haven't regretted remediation, but I have regretted letting go of the favorite things to make room for the heavy focus.  When I've realized how the joy was sucked out of learning, I stepped back and stopped the only remediation focus.  Now, I try to be sure there are at least 2 things scheduled in our lives that build upon the strengths of or give joy to my biggest struggler.  I also try to only focus on one aspect of remediation at a time.  Then there is all the other stuff in life too, but it seems to be a decent balance for us - for now.  I am sure it will change again.

[hornblower]

I'm just thinking out loud here so this might be all jumbled but.... 

we didn't find out we had a 2E kid until she was getting ready for college. So for a very long time, there was a whole lot of "let's just keep doing stuff & hope it all works out in the end" and in our case, it did.

 

I don't know if it's the right thing to do for everyone. Heck, I'm not sure if I'd do it the same way again. But, otoh, for us, an eclectic, rich homeschooling environment, one where you spend a lot of time strewing, but also adapting and pulling back on requiring output, and just stuff them with experiences and activities they enjoy, worked for us.

We definitely worked to strengths.

 

One thing we did do for a very long time was limit computers. Not screens so much, though we didn't have cable so it was just dvds, but computer use was very very limited until they hit mid teens. And I'm not saying that to start any sort of debate or make any judgments on this. It's just that it does affect where time is spent & computers suck you right in... & things time is spent on tend to be the ones that  improve, kwim.... 

[lewelma]

 

Keep a balance - spend time just teaching in the way they learn; also spend time teaching skills they NEED to learn. Follow your instincts and realize that when they are getting frustrated it is often for a good reason - like you are pushing too hard for something they are just not ready for.

 

 

How do you chose the balance?  There seems to be a continuum, something like:

 

option 1: let the strengths fly, ignore the weaknesses and assume they will eventually catch up. (this is what I did with my older with great success)

 

option 2: Do an intensive to shore up the weaknesses ASAP, so 'leveling up' like Heidi Ho did in a required skills (this is what I am considering with my younger and typing)

 

option 3: some sort of middle path, spending time each day on weaknesses, but also focusing in strengths.  (this is what I have tried to do with my younger and I don't think it is working well, however I have tried to integrate writing into his studies)

 

I just can't quite seem to navigate the options.

Edited April 26, 2016 by lewelma

[lewelma]

You asked the million dollar question.  Unfortunately, it's a moving target, that sweet spot, and we all just do our best to aim well and continue on.

 

 

Is it possible that the areas of struggle your child that you are having a harder time with are areas that you somehow see struggle as a problem, whereas with your other child you saw the struggle as something workable?  Maybe that sounds odd or overly obvious.  For me and my perspective, I have two kids who are as different as night and day.  They probably both qualify as 2e, although only one of them is diagnosed.  For one of my kids, the difficulties are so much easier to accommodate in a simple or subtle way than they are for my other child.  So, in my life, it is a lot easier to let the way we do life work and allow for my one child to grow and blossom, but for the other I have had to work very hard about being intentional about pushing and scaffolding and laying off and supporting, etc.  It's much harder.  

 

I haven't regretted remediation, but I have regretted letting go of the favorite things to make room for the heavy focus.  When I've realized how the joy was sucked out of learning, I stepped back and stopped the only remediation focus.  Now, I try to be sure there are at least 2 things scheduled in our lives that build upon the strengths of or give joy to my biggest struggler.  I also try to only focus on one aspect of remediation at a time.  Then there is all the other stuff in life too, but it seems to be a decent balance for us - for now.  I am sure it will change again.

 

My younger boy and I have definitely lost joy.  He is not super motivated, so wants a clear cut schedule with clear expectations.  I think I have put too much focus on skills (physical writing, composition, technical reading, violin, math, typing) and my guess is that he is exhausted. We don't play enough and he is a very playful boy.  But I am also super aware that starting this year, he canNOT keep up with a years worth of work in a year, he is just too slow. So how do you fix the skill problem while still having fun? I'm starting to think that perhaps we do a typing intensive (like 2hours a dya) and then have the rest of his day just be fun content or field trip stuff.  So level up but make it tolerable by dropping all other expectations of hard work and just have some fun -- like chemistry experiments, or talking literature, or plant identification in the local parks, etc. This past term I have done some remediation (like 30min dictation/30 miin typing), and the rest has been standard school work with some accomodations for writing (like dictaphone but still expecting him to type it up at the end). This is now working, so I'm ready to try something different.

 

As for my older boy, he was strongly against writing, and basically would not do it.  So I gave up and let him just do his math.  In contrast my younger boy loves composition, and wants to get better at encoding it, so he is willing to work to accomplish this.  Problem is he is just getting tired I think.   

[Julie of KY]

How do you chose the balance?  There seems to be a continuum, something like:

 

I don't think their is one right answer.

 

I mostly teach to their strengths. This keeps them learning. At some points in life, I've felt like we can work on weaknesses a little everyday and make progress. Sometimes I go in bigger chunks of time like work hard on something specific for a week, or weeks, or months and then back off. At some point, I always back off for a period of time, just to give them a break as well as sometimes time matures their brains.

 

This year, I've pushed my oldest (11th grade) hard all year and really challenged him is his areas of learning disabilities. It's been worthwhile in that he has leaned that he CAN do it, but it's been challenging. Next year, I'm going to intentionally back off and let him learn to his strengths and topics he wants to study (more math). I will push intermittently on some writing projects, but mostly plan to teach to his strengths.

[hornblower]

.  But I am also super aware that starting this year, he canNOT keep up with a years worth of work in a year, he is just too slow.

 

One thing that I'd say is that with my asynchronous learners, there was hugely non linear progress. So while many things were behind, & if you plotted it out in standard school progression you'd be thinking "well, at this rate kid will be 30 by the time they get to ___ component of this curriculum", it just didn't work out that way.  Suddenly, my kid just jumped over a whole bunch of stuff.  I had the freedom here of no testing & no supervision so we could call whatever we did whatever grade we wanted....

[FairProspects]

I don't think their is one right answer.

 

I mostly teach to their strengths. This keeps them learning. At some points in life, I've felt like we can work on weaknesses a little everyday and make progress. Sometimes I go in bigger chunks of time like work hard on something specific for a week, or weeks, or months and then back off. At some point, I always back off for a period of time, just to give them a break as well as sometimes time matures their brains.

 

This year, I've pushed my oldest (11th grade) hard all year and really challenged him is his areas of learning disabilities. It's been worthwhile in that he has leaned that he CAN do it, but it's been challenging. Next year, I'm going to intentionally back off and let him learn to his strengths and topics he wants to study (more math). I will push intermittently on some writing projects, but mostly plan to teach to his strengths.

 

Yes. And the advice I've gotten from neuropsychologists is that you have to aim for the balance. With a 2E kid, their recommendation is that it is not wise only to fly with the strengths, you have to also work on remediating or accommodating the weaknesses too. Whether you sequence it or do both simultaneously probably just depends on the kid in front of you and their composition and stage of development. But that is why 2E is so difficult for so long. You can't just go fully in one direction, it is a constant adjustment on both sides.

[Julie of KY]

 But that is why 2E is so difficult for so long. You can't just go fully in one direction, it is a constant adjustment on both sides.

 

Yes, it's been a constant struggle. As you think you are just getting past one hurdle another appears. The "2E-ness" doesn't go away. As the kids learn to deal with accommodations, it presents a new set of challenges.

 

While I tend to push and then back off with my oldest, my daughter tolerates a more constant push. At the moment, my struggle with her is more figuring out how best to accommodate her as I think I'm teaching her as well as can be done. My little guy is getting pushed hard right now, but if anything he's driving that as he wants to learn to read and is working really hard. It's a constant battle to break it down into small enough steps for him as he just doesn't learn as others do. The NP said the same thing - that is raw scores in certain areas were "normal", watching the process of how he got there was very much not the way "typical" people got to the same point. It's a struggle to figure out how best to teach him.

[Incognito]

Well, one way we have improved is I do not try to combine remediating a skill with something they love.  I thought I was being all great mixing writing with history - yeah!  They love it, so they'll be motivated!  No - it made them hate history.  Lesson learned!  So now our skill type work is very separate and focused.  Content and pace do not get held back by output skills.

 

 

[Heathermomster]

My younger boy and I have definitely lost joy.  He is not super motivated, so wants a clear cut schedule with clear expectations.  I think I have put too much focus on skills (physical writing, composition, technical reading, violin, math, typing) and my guess is that he is exhausted. We don't play enough and he is a very playful boy.  But I am also super aware that starting this year, he canNOT keep up with a years worth of work in a year, he is just too slow. So how do you fix the skill problem while still having fun? I'm starting to think that perhaps we do a typing intensive (like 2hours a dya) and then have the rest of his day just be fun content or field trip stuff.  So level up but make it tolerable by dropping all other expectations of hard work and just have some fun -- like chemistry experiments, or talking literature, or plant identification in the local parks, etc. This past term I have done some remediation (like 30min dictation/30 miin typing), and the rest has been standard school work with some accomodations for writing (like dictaphone but still expecting him to type it up at the end). This is now working, so I'm ready to try something different.

 

As for my older boy, he was strongly against writing, and basically would not do it.  So I gave up and let him just do his math.  In contrast my younger boy loves composition, and wants to get better at encoding it, so he is willing to work to accomplish this.  Problem is he is just getting tired I think.   

How about lay off all handwriting practice and set aside 4-5 months of daily typing practice.  Spend 20 minutes typing with a brief break after 10 mins.  Once he is done typing, do something fun.  Start the composing program that you have purchased and scribe for him.  If handwriting practice is important, resume after typing instruction is over.

 

If you want him to write across a subject, pick one subject and tomato stake him. Sit with him and model what you'd like him to do.  Maybe teach the mind mapping using the technical reading that you mentioned.   You could also explore story elements with mind maps based upon whatever book he is reading at the time.  The point is for him to grow comfortable organizing information across a subject that he enjoys or knows well.  He can also write later based upon the maps.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Heathermomster

[FairProspects]

Well, one way we have improved is I do not try to combine remediating a skill with something they love.  I thought I was being all great mixing writing with history - yeah!  They love it, so they'll be motivated!  No - it made them hate history.  Lesson learned!  So now our skill type work is very separate and focused.  Content and pace do not get held back by output skills.

 

Yup, we've been there too. Skill work has to be kept separate from content and interests until a certain level of fluency or ease is attained with each skill (and usually by then, the desired content has also leveled up *sigh*) . My friends homeschooling neurotypical kids do not get this, but it is absolutely how we have to homeschool.

[Heathermomster]

DS loves and writes across history.   :D

 

ETA:  Thinking back on this, DS started WTM history in 7th grade.  He defined people and places. Son wrote about specific events in history.  I used to sit with him and help him sort the info until he was capable of writing what I wanted to see.  He still took a formal writing class with an OG/IEW certified tutor.  We slowly incorporated KWOs and a couple of dress-ups into the writing, but it wasn't anything crazy because the IEW writing class was demanding in and of itself. 

Edited April 27, 2016 by Heathermomster

[Julie of KY]

I think I have put too much focus on skills (physical writing, composition, technical reading, violin, math, typing) and my guess is that he is exhausted. We don't play enough and he is a very playful boy.  But I am also super aware that starting this year, he canNOT keep up with a years worth of work in a year, he is just too slow. So how do you fix the skill problem while still having fun? I'm starting to think that perhaps we do a typing intensive (like 2hours a dya) and then have the rest of his day just be fun content or field trip stuff.    

 

At some point, you have to determine what your priorities/goals are. I think it is important to not exhaust him and make sure he still has fun.

 

How do you build in fun? Don't know - maybe schedule it. At this hour or this afternoon, the priority is this fun event. At some point it become very important to prioritize the fun stuff as well, especially when they struggle with a slow pace. Some kids can just get it all done and move on to the fun, others work and work and need to be told that it's okay to stop and have fun now.

 

Also, at some point, it is beneficial to decide that it's not worth keeping up with the pace of "one year's worth" in one year. Some pacing you might have control of and other pacing may be set by outside sources. I have to let go of how long it takes and just remember to simply keep taking the next step.

[Zoo Keeper]

Thanks to everyone who has shared in this thread; it has been very helpful as I think through this crazy train wreck of a homeschool we've got goin' down here.

 

My user name was correctly chosen...;)

[mathnerd]

That balance is not easy and it has been the hardest part of educating my son.

With my highly asynchronous kid, I chose to focus more on the remediation rather than the acceleration in the early years because I was not so sure that things might turn out well if I let him fly with his strengths (my family tree is strewn with smart adults who are struggling with issues that could have been diagnosed as 2E had they been born in today's times). I have limited the levels of acceleration in his strength areas and pushed a lot on the asynchronies. I have consistently pushed and sometimes backed off but always went back later to remediate more.

 

Our remediation follows a peculiar pattern. Most of the time, there seems to be very little progress and it is frustrating for all parties involved. After a while, I say to myself that this has gone on long enough and launch on an "intensive" course of remediation and we have a major breakthrough almost immediately. Every single skill that we have worked on followed this pattern.

I have analyzed our work style and this is how it goes:

1. work on a skill consistently for a while (2-3 months)

2. see little or no progress, sometimes there is regression 

3. push hard for a couple of weeks at this point

4. major breakthrough

5. Go back to step 1 on a different skill that needs working on and continue the cycle.

 

Maybe this pattern is because of the personalities of the child and parent involved, but, it works for my DS. We do academics and sports and enrichment like music while we are working at a normal pace daily on remediating a skill. But, when I am intensively pushing on building that skill for a couple of weeks, we take the rest of the day off for just being outside (parks, hikes, go out for a meal etc) or I let DS play with his robotics kits or his violin and piano. I believe that for my DS, working daily on a particular skill builds muscle memory over a period of time, and the big push for a short duration makes the skill permanent and automatic.

 

Good luck. I hope you find the right balance for your younger DS.

 

[luuknam]

I know a lot of you have asynchronous or 2E kids, so I am curious how you balance the push forward in strengths with the shoring up of weaknesses.  How do you balance it in terms of time (both yours and the child's) and resources? How do you talk to your kid about the large dichotomy of skill level? When do you worry enough to remediate vs assume that it will all come out OK in the end?  

 

I agree with Heigh Ho, about the leveling up thing in computer games (actually, more specifically, about character and skill points in RPGs where you get to give points to different areas like strength, intelligence, etc, and swordfighting, spellcasting, etc). Though I did see them as strengths and weaknesses too - it's not like they're mutually exclusive terms/concepts.

 

At 12yo (if I read your sig correctly, this must be about your 12yo), I think that talking with the kid about all of the above is important. The gaming example might be a good way to explain it. Some games even give a random number of points to be used at the beginning of the game to create your character. Aside from that, I'd explain that most people are pretty average, which relatively little spread between their strengths and weakness. Some people are mostly above average, some are mostly below average, some mostly average with some things above, some mostly average with some things below, and some have some things that are way below and some that are way above. I've explained bell curves to my 8yo - without getting too specific about him personally, other than that for some things he's below average (hence the OT/PT/Speech), and some things above. I'm sure you could get into more details with a 12yo. I've also emphasized that practicing makes a big difference, regardless of where one starts - nobody is going to magically be an expert at anything, and (almost) everyone can get better at anything by practicing - just that for some people, the same amount of practice causes more improvement than for other people. And that yep, it's not fair, and nope, can't do anything about that. 

 

So anyway, at 12yo, I'd discuss all that, and talk about the future, what different careers and tertiary educational institutions require, and where he's now, where he wants to be in about 6 years, that he might change his mind and what if he does, and upsides/downsides of focusing mostly on strengths vs focusing mostly on remediating weaknesses, etc. I'd listen to his input and take it seriously, though I'm of course still the adult in charge. I don't think you can do this in just one conversation, just to be clear.

 

The idea of raising kids is to raise them to be competent adults, which means that at some point they need to take ownership over their own lives, including their educational choices. Some kids will get to that point sooner than others, of course, but I don't think 12yo is too young to try to involve them more in the different options. You're welcome to take that with a big grain of salt, of course, since my oldest is 8, so I'm mostly looking back at my own childhood, where my parents let me pick my secondary school toward the end of 6th grade, when I was 11 (secondary school starts in 7th grade in NL). That said, if I'd wanted to do something that would've been a really bad idea, I'm sure they would've said that it wasn't an option and told me to pick something else (I don't think they'd have been okay if I'd said I wanted to do the lowest track in secondary school (the pre-trade school track), what with scoring in the 99th percentile on the pre-secondary school test - you can go to trade school after finishing a higher track, but you can't go to university after finishing a lower one (there are ways, but they take extra years)). But there were multiple secondary schools with different pros and cons, and I'm sure they would've let me go with any of them - they talked about the pros and cons, but didn't seem to try to tell me to pick a specific one they thought was ideal or w/e.

 

So, your son might say he would like to spend some time intensively remediating something, then backing off for a while, before lather, rinse, repeat, or he might say he prefers a smaller amount of time every day. Or he might look at you and say he doesn't have a clue, but at least you've given him some stuff to think about, which will help him form his own opinions later (as opposed to never realizing there are choices to be made, since mom always makes the choices).