Hot Lava Mama Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 A home school acquaintance (from a group we belong to) put on a "tea Ed" class for some of the teens in the group. There were several families that didn't put their kids in the class because of vastly different values than said teacher. But it got me to thinking about giving my teens more discussion time with us. (FYI, one of the (many) reasons was because the teacher would not allow any parents to sit and listen to the discussion....even if they promised not to say a word). So I thought that I would try to pull together something with the wisdom from the hive. My two teens know the "mechanics" and how everything works, so I am looking mostly for the emotional types of things to talk about. (But please feel free to give any advice on the technical nature of it, too). Can you give me some wisdom? What have you said to your teens? What did you wish you had said? What do you think really stuck with them? Thanks! Hot Lava Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathmarm Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) :bigear: Listening in. Edited September 11, 2016 by mathmarm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 We put our daughter into an Our Whole Lives class through our UU church when she was in 8th grade (UCC churches also have this with their own theological additions). http://www.uua.org/re/owl http://www.ucc.org/justice_sexuality-education_our-whole-lives It was very thorough and went extensively into healthy relationships as well as the mechanics. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 :bigear: Listening in. Personally, I really like the way that my brother approaches and handles the topic with his kids, but it will be very good to listen in and learn from how this topic is approached by various other parents. Congrats on your little one! How does your brother handle these matters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Besides the mechanics, we talked about the social scenarios that might come up, and how they might identify certain elements before impulses are hard to resist. It's one thing to say you can resist temptation, quite another to recognize when you're being tempted, I think. So... pressure. This can happen in all kinds of circumstances and we may not recognize it as such at the time. Know the cues. Recognize those things that are likely to reduce your ability to recognize these cues, like alcohol, drugs, having lots of fun and not wanting it to end yet. If there's a nagging in the back of your mind, listen. That might be your rational brain yelling at your primitive lizard brain that feeling like you have to talk yourself into something means you are pressuring yourself. It happens. Recognize it, pull back. Know that two people may not feel the same way. Person A may feel really into an experience, person B may not. Recognize this is a thing, and be aware of its possibility. Don't put pressure on yourself, don't put pressure on another. Lastly, a friend of mine mentioned this about teaching his own teen and it really struck a chord with me because I wouldn't have thought of it otherwise. The day after may find you and the other person may have vastly different interpretations about the experience. Know what you're getting into ahead of time, know what they think they're getting into ahead of time. If you both think its casual, you're on the same page. If you both think it's significant intimacy, you're both on the same page. If one thinks its casual, and the other thinks it's significant intimacy, you're not on the same page. This is something you need to know going into the game, and something you might have to navigate with respect, compassion, and class afterwards, if you were mistaken. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 We have conversations very like the ones albeto describes. Particularly on how two different people, of different genders and different ages, may look on the same acts very differently - it may mean something very different to the two of you. And - this is not PC, but it is my belief based on personal experience - physical intimacy is much more likely to trigger feelings of emotional intimacy in a girl than in a boy, no matter how you felt before said intimacy took place. You can't always predict how you will feel afterwards, and if you aren't both feeling the same thing, the one who is feeling more connected is more likely to end up being hurt. Thinking through different scenarios, and thinking about how you might respond to them, is very helpful. I would include having conversations about how you as the parent would react, too - like, if you want your kid to know they can call you any time of the night to come pick them up, anywhere, if they are in an uncomfortable situation, tell them so. I am a firm believer that you should tell your kids what you think, your opinions or beliefs about a behavior, but also let them know that you support them unconditionally and will help them meet their needs. The way this talk has gone in our house is something like, "I hope that you will wait till you are an adult before you drink/use drugs/ have teA, but if you choose to do it, here is what I am prepared to do to help you" (i.e. access to birth control, late night pick up if a driver has been drinking, etc.) Obviously this is going to look very different for different families. But, of course, I have no actual experience with parenting a teen. ;) I do have a 12 year old with the body/development level of a 16 year old, who likes a 17 year old boy who likes her back. There is no dating, but you can bet there are lots and lots of conversations going on at our house. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 We have approached it in much the same way as Albeto. Additionally, when dd was going through her paramedic training, she brought home her urology/gynecology text and was very forthright with the boys about VD giving them more up to date information than dh and I possessed at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 We put our daughter into an Our Whole Lives class through our UU church when she was in 8th grade (UCC churches also have this with their own theological additions). http://www.uua.org/re/owl http://www.ucc.org/justice_sexuality-education_our-whole-lives It was very thorough and went extensively into healthy relationships as well as the mechanics. Seconding OWL. I use it with DS currently; it is very strong on covering relationship/emotional aspects. I would have loved to have a class, but sadly there are none available locally. So we do it ourselves. It has been easy to adapt for one student (and there's a lot I can skip without losing anything). Since we began several months ago, it has become much, much easier for him to discuss such topics without squirming or clamming up altogether. We have a good time with it. Humor is the key factor ("Use protection Every Single Time! ... Well, unless you're trying to make a person; then you wouldn't use BC and just hope it fails."). Plus, I end each lesson with a related song (if I can think of one). The only downside: he gets nervous when I pull out a Prince CD. ;) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 We will be having discussions about how teen relationships do, in fact, occasionally work out, but they have their own issues. Having a serious steady at a young age avoids some concerns, but I'm not planning to sugarcoat it for my kids -- it was hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I will third the recommendation for OWL. Quite often OWL programs are open to the whole community, and folks of other religious traditions are welcome to attend. I also highly recommend Deborah Roffman's books, particularly Sex and Sensibility: A Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense about Sex. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Albeto, are you available to talk to my kids? I'll pay you! ;) Jk Well...kinda. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Fortunately, our church youth group deals with this topic at least once per year so my kids were able to get views from others and share their thoughts without mom & dad being around. I think that's important. At home, it's as much a part of our conversation as any other topic. Living on a pony breeding farm, mine knew the mechanics from a pretty young age as we saw no need to shelter them. That naturally led to "what's different with humans." The emotional aspect is a huge topic that can be best taught over time rather than all at once. Whenever these things showed up in movies or TV (programs or news), it was as much a part of the conversation afterward as any other aspect in the show. And the nice thing? Even now, college boys sometimes discuss their thoughts on the subject with us. We assure them that ALL of their choices are theirs, but it's never a problem bouncing ideas off of us. It's not really a kiss and tell as much as discussing the emotional aspect. I know they talk more with dad than they do with me. I'm perfectly fine with that. It takes a bit for a Y chromosome to try to figure out the puzzle of us double Xs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We are very open about such things here, and I've talked to them about it their whole lives. It isn't really a big deal to talk about it to them. We do believe in abstinence before marriage, but we were wild teens ourselves once, so we don't assume they will always behave. We've discussed drugs and violence related to tEa, emotional aspects (both good and bad), protection, disease, and possible consequences of pre-marital tea. We have also been careful to reiterate that tEa is a GOOD and natural thing, just one best experienced inside a marriage relationship. These conversations happen everywhere, but if you are nervous about it, talking while driving is always good because they can't get away! :lol: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We put our daughter into an Our Whole Lives class through our UU church when she was in 8th grade (UCC churches also have this with their own theological additions). http://www.uua.org/re/owl http://www.ucc.org/justice_sexuality-education_our-whole-lives It was very thorough and went extensively into healthy relationships as well as the mechanics. Seconding OWL. I use it with DS currently; it is very strong on covering relationship/emotional aspects. I would have loved to have a class, but sadly there are none available locally. So we do it ourselves. It has been easy to adapt for one student (and there's a lot I can skip without losing anything). Since we began several months ago, it has become much, much easier for him to discuss such topics without squirming or clamming up altogether. We have a good time with it. Humor is the key factor ("Use protection Every Single Time! ... Well, unless you're trying to make a person; then you wouldn't use BC and just hope it fails."). Plus, I end each lesson with a related song (if I can think of one). The only downside: he gets nervous when I pull out a Prince CD. ;) I will third the recommendation for OWL. Quite often OWL programs are open to the whole community, and folks of other religious traditions are welcome to attend. I also highly recommend Deborah Roffman's books, particularly Sex and Sensibility: A Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense about Sex. The OWL program is excellent, my teen just finished it recently. We are not members of the UU church but were more than welcome to join in the class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The key is openness and honesty, no embarrassment. So many parents give off the "I am too embarrassed to talk about this in a calm, rational, loving fashion so please don't approach me vibe" and their kids pick up on it. My mom and dad were that way. Any attempt to bring up the subject was just so unbelievably awkward combined with their ears turning red, cheeks flushing, stammering, humming and hawing...it was ridiculous. As a result, my brother and I decided the last place we'd go for information was to them. Unfortunately, especially for my brother, this had some pretty serious, very negative consequences Our boys are very much at ease talking about the subject and that is I believe due to the fact that dh and I vowed we would be open, approachable, and comfortable with this part of their education and growing up time. DD was always pretty easy in this regard anyway so we had a great relationship through her teen years and could talk about anything. That's the most important thing, cultivating that spirit that you are willing to talk about anything and will not be awkward about it. The subtle cues we give our kids can make or break the communication. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rlestina Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I have to ask - where did "teA" or "tEa" come from as a euphemism? I mean, I figured it out from the context but I don't think I've ever seen it used that way before... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I have to ask - where did "teA" or "tEa" come from as a euphemism? I mean, I figured it out from the context but I don't think I've ever seen it used that way before... It has been around the board for a long time. We use euphemisms so that particular threads do not earn us inadvertent unwanted attention from those that are looking for s*x boards and do a google search. I think the original term was to "brew teA" in terms of asking for marital help in that department, or discussing reproductive education. But, it's been a number of years, and I can't remember for certain. I do know it was coined on the chat board and stuck with everyone. Glad to have you join the hive. I hope you find the high school board to be very helpful! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It has been around the board for a long time. We use euphemisms so that particular threads do not earn us inadvertent unwanted attention from those that are looking for s*x boards and do a google search. I think the original term was to "brew teA" in terms of asking for marital help in that department, or discussing reproductive education. But, it's been a number of years, and I can't remember for certain. I do know it was coined on the chat board and stuck with everyone. Glad to have you join the hive. I hope you find the high school board to be very helpful! 'Tis probably best if we don't mention the high school board's matchmaking service that we often contemplate to help our youngsters who are applying for financial aid. ;) I suspect there are plenty of riddles for newcomers! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 'Tis probably best if we don't mention the high school board's matchmaking service that we often contemplate to help our youngsters who are applying for financial aid. ;) I suspect there are plenty of riddles for newcomers! Yay, probably for the best thought a certain mom on this board better be prepared because of ds doesn't meet the right girl in college, I am prepared to enforce our previous agreement concerning her lovely daughter! :D 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It has been around the board for a long time. We use euphemisms so that particular threads do not earn us inadvertent unwanted attention from those that are looking for s*x boards and do a google search. I think the original term was to "brew teA" in terms of asking for marital help in that department, or discussing reproductive education. But, it's been a number of years, and I can't remember for certain. I do know it was coined on the chat board and stuck with everyone. Glad to have you join the hive. I hope you find the high school board to be very helpful! It truly was the most hilarious thread in Hive history that coined the euphemism. It arose organically in a thread about marital...ummm...aides. Playthings, shall we say. One poster compaired an object to "an instant-hot water aide" and how, at first, they "made tea all the time with the instant hot." But the novelty wore off and they don't care about the appliance so much now. This is how the euphemism originated. :D 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekmom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Just wanted to add that you should tell your teens to never, ever, ever put their drink down at a party. Unfortunately, there are way too many "Cosby's" in the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Just wanted to add that you should tell your teens to never, ever, ever put their drink down at a party. Unfortunately, there are way too many "Cosby's" in the world. This is an enormous life lesson for all kids (male and female). Whether it's at a high school party, college party, or a bar later in life... I might even be inclined not to trust a "first date" as an adult. It is far too prevalent these days. The motivation can be as simple as robbery or far more complex and manipulative. It should be noted that they also need to be told that friends who are drinking shouldn't be trusted to "watch" their drink. Not that said friend would deliberately do something to harm them but rather their judgement and attention are impaired already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I will third the recommendation for OWL. Quite often OWL programs are open to the whole community, and folks of other religious traditions are welcome to attend. I also highly recommend Deborah Roffman's books, particularly Sex and Sensibility: A Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense about Sex. I just got this book from the library. It is excellent. Probably preaching to the choir if you already have very open communication with children of all ages, but helpful if you are trying to figure out if/when/how to achieve that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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