Consequences for viewing porn?

[BalanceSeeker]

I have not read the responses, so forgive me if this has already been stated.

 

I have a dear friend who is a s*x therapist, specializing in addictions. She has told me numerous times that people who look at porn don't understand in its early stages how it rewires the brain. And, it's a tough addiction to break which affects normal intimacy.

 

I always wondered how I would handle this with my dc. Rather than consequences, a frank explanation as to what this could mean for the rest of his life would be my first step based on what I've learned from my friend. Maybe this would best be explained by an expert in s*xual addiction who could share with him how porn addiction can alter ones' life.

 

I think you are wise to be concerned and want to take action at an early age. Unless his belief system changes, though, I don't see how consequences are going to do much good over the long-term. On a lighter note, I'm sure there are TONS of boys who've flirted with pornography that go on to have normal relationships with women. But, it's always wise to exercise caution on this side of the problem, and help him to not allow it to rule his life.

 

ETA: Computers need to be overhauled.

Edited June 29, 2009 by BalanceSeeker

[Elizabeth Conley]

If it has not already been explained to your son in the following way, give this explanation a try:

 

Pornography is harmful to a man's sexuality.

 

Pornography is most profitable when men become addicted to viewing sexual images that are significantly deviant. After all, if the images in the pornography were available in the marriage bed, or even in a relationship with the girl next door, then the bottom would fall out of the market.

 

The porn industry combines images that any healthy young man would find pleasantly stimulating with images that are either unnatural or unpleasant for women to provide. Gradually, men who began their porn viewing when they were young, looking at relatively wholesome images, become excited by increasingly depraved images and story lines. Inevitably, they develop sexual tastes that are repulsive to their girlfriends and wives.

 

This process is a simple matter of operant conditioning. Remember how Pavlov's dog salivated when the bell rang, whether the researcher provided him with food or not? (It's a classic experiment in operant conditioning; if you don't know what I'm talking about, Google Pavlov's dog. The porn industry merely juxtaposes the images of naked young woman with darker, more disturbing images, until the viewer's appetite is transfered from "naked young women" (natural), to "naked young women being humiliated, injured and degraded" (unnatural).

 

Understand that the porn industry is not your friend. "Free" porn isn't being made available to you on the INTERNET. Pushers are all the same. "The first couple of fixes are always free." Don't be naive. Pushers know how to hook people. They know how to turn you into an addict, and they couldn't care less how it effects your life.

 

Whatever sexual encounters you may have had in the past, they are going to pale to insignificance beside the relationship you will someday enjoy with your wife. You will want to please her more than anyone else you've ever known, and she will want to please you in the same manner. Don't bring excessive luggage to this relationship. Nothing you think you can learn from another girl prior to marriage will help you in the slightest in pleasing your wife. Your exposure to pornography will not bring anything good to your marriage. Pornography will only get in the way, particularly if you are addicted to hard-core porn by the time you're married. If you are, you won't be able to share your fantasy life with her, because it would repel her. Think about that for a minute. Imagine how this would inhibit your intimacy with her.

 

Porn isn't scattered all over the INTERNET by some generous fairy whose whim it is to grant your slightest wish. It's there because "the first couple of fixes are always free." The eventual cost, once you're hooked, is more than you've got to give. That's right. It will cost all you've got, plus things that aren't yours to spend. Inevitably, your addiction will be bought with a decline in the quality of your relationship with your wife, your daughter, and many other people who deserve better from you.

 

I've only scratched the surface. If you continue to pursue your fascination with porn, no one can stop you. You go right ahead. Just don't ever, ever, claim you were never told what the consequences would be.

Edited June 29, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley

[Loupelou]

I totally agree with the above poster! All of it. I can't add any advice except work quickly!

 

I have a brother who is now over 30 years old. His interest in "soft" porn began as a teenager, he hid it pretty well. He managed to serve a church mission, and go to college, but by his mid 20's he couldn't hold down a job for longer than a few months, or stay in a relationship. He always sought out the "bad" girls, ones with a past, lots of baggage, etc. A few years ago, still trying to hide his addiction, he finally met a great girl and decided to get married. He got his life together, held a job for over two years and got married. Fast forward to today and he is a divorced, father of two, recently fired from another string of jobs, trying to hang onto a college scholarship, not sure what is around the corner tomorrow porn addict.

 

Porn addiction does not end pretty, I don't know when or if he'll get the help he needs. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

 

Pornography will steal everything you hold dear and then it will take your soul for good measure.

 

There is no soft answer here.

[Kathy in MD]

I'm very sorry if my comment that was directed to Chris' statement offended you, but I completely understood what she was saying.

 

In know way did I mean to imply that the women who are victims should be held responsible for the many horrific events and situations that occur on a daily basis. These deplorable acts of violence on the mind, body, and spirit of these women are beyond sad; and I don't think, by the grace of God, that they are anything we can truly even begin comprehend unless we have been victims ourselves. Unlike most wounds, these scars sometimes never heal.

 

But even today, many still blame these women for the situation they're in -- including the police. I even know of one case where the judge blamed a 3 yo victim!

 

My comment, however, was based on the observations of a mother who, in an effort to keep her daughters chaste, believed that many problems involved in such an endeavor wouldn't exist if girls didn't lead boys on and/or just said no. Believe me, in no way was she implying or even thinking of the girls and women who are forced to endure the acts you are referring to. She was simply talking about your average teenage/young adult female.

 

I sometimes wonder how often the girls are really leading the boys on, or do say no. (I've had a guy or two ignore my "no's" and "don't call again" & I didn't flirt or was particularly attractive.) If people can blame the women and girls who are blatently abused, then how much easier is it to blame girls that aren't in such obviously desperate situations?

 

But it wasn't that long ago that college co-eds were locked up in the dorms after hours, while the boys ran wild. Why? Because the boys couldn't be trusted? So why weren't the boys locked up instead? But society worked on the premise that boys will be boys, so restrict the girls activities instead. I believe that it still works somewhat along those lines.

 

. Yes, I know, I was one of those girls. However, it does not blind me to the fact that premarital acts take two parties, often with both parties consenting.

 

I'm sorry to know that you had such an experience.

 

But here's a different thought. Of the girls who knowingly lead boys and men on, how many of them are indirect victims of porn? How many were abused as children, or lived in a house where porn existed. Or if they want attention, healthy or otherwise, from guys, do they use porn as a guideline on how to look and behave? If they do, it may be because that is what they hear the boys talking about and admiring.

[bearnpurple]

Ask him how he'd feel if you (or his cousin, grandmother, sister, etc.) were pictured that way. Make him feel discomfort with the topic. Don't let him get out of it by squirming -- you model calm, dispassionate behavior (even if it's hard!) and make him think about what he's viewing and what it means to the people shown in terms of dehumanizing them.

quote]

 

This is what I was thinking, as well. How would he feel if someone was looking at his sister that way. All women are daughters, sisters, mothers etc to someone.

 

 

That was one of our angles.....we also did the "calm discussion while looking at the sites together". He broke down. I explained that it was not the "right way" to go about finding out about the opposite sex. This was not the "correct information" for future use. I also explained that I was disappointed but also lost my trust and respect in him and he will need to earn it back. I think that hurt both of us equally.

 

Of course with TV, movies and even some songs about sex, they can hardly get away from it. We not only monitor computer but books, TV, music, etc. My dh also mentioned that it is easier to get to these days! UGH!!!

 

Good luck!

[Lovedtodeath]

 

It will cause him and his future spouse nothing but pain if he thinks that porn is real life.

S*x works nothing like it does in p*rn movies and watching it as a teen can affect a later marriage. and cause literal pain. I don't know of any resources for you though. :(

[phathui5]

One resource is www.xxxchurch.com

[Klowee]

I have been dealing with this situation with my ds as well. I found out that he somehow was able to circumvent my filters and access sites.

 

I immediately restricted all computer access, removed his tv from his room and we talked about it every day. We worked through the why and figured out how we can change our energy and focus to other things. He remained with me from the time he woke up until he went to bed. There was no alone time and time in the bathroom or showers were monitored.

 

I held him accountable for his actions and kept open lines of communication daily to help him through this time in his life. This is the kid who looked like he wanted to throw up when I tried to discuss the birds and the bees, then to find out my always homeschooled, honest, compassionate, innocent little boy had been contaminated by what the world views sex to be just broke my heart!

 

As a single mom as well, I found it especially difficult to deal with this not having gone through the whole boy thing. I relied on my dad to help with some talks 'man to man'. I also realized that he isn't my little boy anymore and I need to change with him to be the mother he needs now as a young teenage man and not the mom saying 'no, just because I said so.' It needed to be more than that. He needs to know why it isn't ok, but then to also be supported in his journey out of it by keeping him accountable and always monitored.

 

I realize that your son is older and is dealing with other issues as well, but I do believe that in every child there is that part of them that craves those boundaries, and there is that part of them, when they are doing things that are wrong, that is crying out for help from their parent.

 

Don't give up, just firmly love him through this. He needs you to be that strong mom with a firm hand and a loving heart. It sometimes is a difficult trial to be all of those things at the same time, but it is what we were called to be.

 

I hope the best for you and your family.

[Joanne]

I have less of a negative view regarding the damage of "viewing" porn than some posters here. I'll take their word for it, though, from the posters who know more about the porn industry.

 

I do NOT put viewing porn and being addicted to porn in the same category. I believe it's like alcohol (and some street drugs). In pre-disposed individuals, the propensity to become addicted is stronger. I don't believe viewing porn = automatic addiction (or even the list of damages offered by another poster). I do believe that porn *addiction* creates many problems; some specific to the nature of the addiction and some created by any addiction.

 

I do have experience from that angle (and recovery). A person who is an alcoholic or substance abuse addict *is* prone to other addictions, including porn. From that perspective, I'd disallow porn in your home just as I would street drugs. He doesn't have to agree that it's risky, bad, innappropriate. Your house, your rules.

 

It's common (as you probably know) for recovering addicts to balk at the areas of life professionals encourage us to address. He's comment about the recovery program getting into areas not related to addiction are a red herring and a symptom of denial. It takes time in active recovery to know, see and understand how pervasive addiction is.

[KingM]

I agree that porn use can become an addiction, just like alcohol can cause addiction in some people. However, with alcohol, most people who drink don't become addicted and we know how to differentiate alcoholism from healthy drinking when we see it.

 

How do you recognize the difference between a teenager who is experimenting, or even someone who occasionally views pornography, and someone who has let it become a dangerous habit?

[mrsrevmeg]

I really have no good advice on what to do to help you get him to stay away from porn. It is so available on tv, in movies,even a lot of music videos. What you can do is have an open talk with him about it. Tell him that what may not seem like a big deal now can lead him down a path that no one wants to be on in the future. I have a former brother in law that started out as a teenager viewing porn occasionally. Even after he was grown and married he would view porn. He got so wrapped up in internet porn that he ran up a bill of $9,000 in one month!! They had to refinance their house. He swore to my sister in law he would never do anything like that again. They got rid of their computer and as far as she knew, he saw how bad it was, too. What hse did not know was that he had a PO box that he was using to recieve magazines and coorespond with people for porn purposes. He started drugging my SIL, taking pictures of her and sending them to others. A child in the preschool class she taught started telling people he saw his teacher naked on the computer. At one point he was cooresponding with someone and told them he wanted to get into underage stuff. He ordered some and the police were there at the post office when he went to pick it up. Because he was using the mail system to transport his "goods" it became a federal offense. He spent over a year in a federal prison and for the rest of his life he is branded as a sex offender of unknown minors. He has lost his wife and daughter. He has lost friends and basically lost his life over porn. His life will never be the same. My husband's sister will never be the same. No one ever imagined looking in from the outside that his life was so out of control. Maybe sharing this story, or one like it would make a difference in your son's life. I pray that it will.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm sorry, but I can't let you get away with this. How ridiculous to imagine a 10 yr old doesn't wonder about things. Any 10 yr old knows how to google, and all they have to do is google one word, and find all sorts of awful sites. Good grief, they could probably just google "girls" and get into trouble. Get real.

 

BTW- I believe I'd tell him if it happened again in my house he could pack his bags.

 

I don't think what she asked was an unreasonable question. I am the mother of a young boy (6yrs) and would also like to know what happened that a 10 year old boy is viewing porn. What can I do now that will prevent that? I think that is all she was asking. Just because it is everywhere doesn't mean that they have to see it.

[Pongo]

Oops... sorry, but my 10 year old doesn't google and isn't allowed such time on the internet. There is nothing he needs yet that isn't in a book or that can't be found by me online.

 

Thankfully, due to our careful movie selection & very little tv.... he can be a happy 10 year old B.O.Y. and knows little to nothing of sex.

 

Someone told him or showed him.

 

BTW.... I do agree on being tough with this behavior. LIke the pack you bags! It is such horrible stuff!

 

:iagree: Same here!

[swellmomma]

To address the issue of how my son viewed porn. He went on the computer one day, shortly after he turned 9, when I forgot to log off, so I was unaware that he went on it. He had been googling to find sites connected with the graphic novels he likes. THese had links to pornographic sites. He clicked a link and saw it for the first time. That made him more curious. SO he googled sex which is when I caught him. That first time we had a long talk, and I went back to logging off the computer. However from time to time I would forget, or I would leave it on to run a virus scan etc, and he occasionally while go looking for porn on it. After his first exposure to it he has been curious etc and wanting to see more. It started off as a simple innocent mistake clicking on the wrong link, but you can't unring a bell and those images are in his brain now. He was not told about porn. We don't have cable, I limit his movie watching, we only listen to christian rock etc. I thought he was protected, but it only took a moment for him to click the wrong thing. Since then it has been a once every 6 months or so thing that he will go looking for it. It can happen to anyone, I mean look at that thread about the porn beng viewed at the library, your children could see it there because of someone else's viewing kwim. Porn is everywhere and it is easy for a child, even a well protected one, to be exposed to it.

[SquirrellyMama]

To address the issue of how my son viewed porn. He went on the computer one day, shortly after he turned 9, when I forgot to log off, so I was unaware that he went on it. He had been googling to find sites connected with the graphic novels he likes. THese had links to pornographic sites. He clicked a link and saw it for the first time. That made him more curious. SO he googled sex which is when I caught him. That first time we had a long talk, and I went back to logging off the computer. However from time to time I would forget, or I would leave it on to run a virus scan etc, and he occasionally while go looking for porn on it. After his first exposure to it he has been curious etc and wanting to see more. It started off as a simple innocent mistake clicking on the wrong link, but you can't unring a bell and those images are in his brain now. He was not told about porn. We don't have cable, I limit his movie watching, we only listen to christian rock etc. I thought he was protected, but it only took a moment for him to click the wrong thing. Since then it has been a once every 6 months or so thing that he will go looking for it. It can happen to anyone, I mean look at that thread about the porn beng viewed at the library, your children could see it there because of someone else's viewing kwim. Porn is everywhere and it is easy for a child, even a well protected one, to be exposed to it.

 

I agree that it only takes one time. Your story has definitly woken me up again. My kids are still young but I saw porn for the first time around my sons age.

[OnTheBrink]

I need some help coming up with consequences for viewing porn on the computer by my 17yos. Yeah, that one. He not only viewed it but also tried to cover his tracks. We already have Safe Eyes on the computer, but I forgot to log out. He's not allowed to use it without permission, so he must have done it after I was in bed. The computer is in the den, in full view of everyone, but, as I said, I went to bed, and my husband wasn't in the room all night.

 

He's not a Christian or of any religious belief, he has been s...ually active and doesn't buy it that porn is harmful in any way. Anyone got any resources of a non-religious type that might tell him why it's so bad for you?

 

Pls don't respond to this post if you are of the opinion that porn is not harmful--you are certainly entitled to your perspective, but that's not the kind of help I'm looking for. TIA

 

Computer taken away. Period. NO net access whatsoever, even if it means no one in the house can access it.

[Elizabeth Conley]

King M,

 

That's easy. Ask him to promise to stop. If he does, he's an occasional viewer - no big deal. If he doesn't, there's a problem.

 

Regardless of whether he's just a casual viewer or if it's a serious problem, step one is to ask him to promise to stop. It's both as simple, and as complex as that.

[Lovedtodeath]

P+rn does damage even if it is not an addiction. It causes you to think about something important to relationships in a way that is outside of reality. Damage done.

[stripe]

I was with a group of 6th graders using public computers for school research at the library, and one boy's computer popped up with a porn ad while he was doing research on Central America. He was obviously shocked by it. I also had a 8 or so year old girl tell me that I should look at such and such a website, whose name made it obvious it was porn. NO CLUE how she found out about it.

 

I myself have stumbled across porn sites. Once was when I googled wedding dress or some such innocuous phrase. The site deliberately set itself up for wrong hits. Another time, I was on the page of a website devoted to religious-based homeschooling, and there was a large, nasty pornographic photo right in the middle. I think the site must have been hacked into? I emailed them to report it, but I don't even think they bothered to take it off.

 

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, I do think this is important, for those who believe porn is destructive and/or morally wrong. You have a responsibility to your child, so I hope some of the advice on this thread helps.

[Sara R]

Does he have an iPhone, iPod Touch, or other internet-enabled device? If so, he can access the internet on that as well if there are any open wireless connections in the neighborhood. Something to be aware of.

[phathui5]

I agree that porn use can become an addiction, just like alcohol can cause addiction in some people. However, with alcohol, most people who drink don't become addicted and we know how to differentiate alcoholism from healthy drinking when we see it.

 

How do you recognize the difference between a teenager who is experimenting, or even someone who occasionally views pornography, and someone who has let it become a dangerous habit?

 

I would say that a dangerous habit is when what you're doing starts to affect other parts of your life in a negative way. Like causing you to neglect schoolwork, or not go to work.