"Collecting your children" Share ideas on how you do this...

[PineFarmMom]

I'm reading Hold onto Your Kids and he addresses "collecting your children". For those who haven't read the book, it means gathering them to you emotionally on a regular basis in order to keep a close emotional link to them, with one goal being to keep you as the person they lean towards rather than outside friends, etc. I think, for the most part, just being part of their daily lives I kind of do this naturally. I do notice that busyness and getting sidetracked with other things will result in my not doing this, brushing them off, not making eye contact, etc. I just like the idea of hearing creative ideas on this. This may be so natural to some that they don't think about it, while others may struggle with it. I don't know.

 

I met a mom who got a little notebook for her dd, and they would write notes back and forth and hide it under each other's pillow. We did that for a while because I thought it was so sweet...we lost the notebook a while back, and I need to find it. :) I'd like ideas on this with boys also. This has been such a topic between me and the Lord lately, keeping my children's heart at home, towards their dad and I. Thoughts?

[Laura Corin]

Mostly I collect them through hugs. Calvin and I dance a lot too: we hold hands and jig together. He started it but I am making sure it continues. I walk up behind them as they work and kiss them on the head. I go for walks with each of them individually, at least once a week.

 

I walk into a room where they are working and say 'Hey there', rather than just going on with my business. Occasionally I still pick them up (not for much longer though - Calvin's very light, but he's almost as tall as I am). Calvin and I also recommend books to each other, and enjoy swapping quotations back and forth. Today we were enjoying quibbling about the wording of a quotation from Sayers' Busman's Honeymoon. Hobbes and I are learning about the birds in our garden together: it's our shared interest.

 

Laura

[OhM]

I've only skimmed that book, but your mention of eye contact is making me smile.

 

I'm in the habit of "gazing" at my dd's - especially when we're sitting at a stop light in the car. In my mind, I'm mostly thinking about how quickly time has gone, how they're maturing, etc. To them, mom has gone psycho and is staring menacingly at them. They hate it when I do that! It's become a huge family joke (they often mimic me doing it) but I think it's kind of serving as a "collecting" tool.

 

So I guess my short answer is "goofiness". I'm collecting my children with "goofiness".

[Julie in CA]

I haven't read the book you mentioned, but I think I know what you mean. (Disregard if I'm off track, ok?)

I make a point several times a week of having a slower start to the morning with my dc. Instead of getting them right up, dressed, and brushing teeth, chores, school, etc, I get them up and tell them I need to see them all in the family room. We gather around in our jammies and I sort of begin by talking to them about my expectations for their day. From there it blossoms into a wonderful time of talking and sharing amongst us all. We laugh a lot. We share a lot of thoughts & feelings we don't make time for in the course of our regular day. We feel it keenly if one of the 5 kids isn't there on one of those days, which happens more and more as my college-kid's schedule changes. But then again, it gives us a chance to talk through how we feel about him being gone, too. The slow-morning thing once or twice a week has been such a blessing to us all, and my kids have told me over and over how much they love it.

Is that anything like what you meant?

:lurk5: I'd love to hear other people's ideas too. I'll be watching! :001_smile:

[Firefly]

A couple of years ago I took DS out for some one-on-one time and he was so quiet in the ice cream shop. I kept trying to engage him in conversation and he would offer up a little, but was overall pretty quiet. I was shocked-- what happened to my chatty little boy?? Looking back I think he was just in an introspective mood that day, but it did start me thinking about this issue of how to stay connected. I think this can be tricky in a mother-son relationship, since society tends to have boys push their mothers away as they grow into men.

 

At this age what I do is I try really hard to show an interest in DS hobbies. (DD and I enjoy a lot of the same interests so it's less of an issue.) Right now he's really into Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon cards, and a video game he likes to play with DH. It's a challenge sometimes, especially when I'm running around trying to get things done or mentally running through a list... but when he starts to tell me about how good he did in a "battle" or what his favorite cards are or whatnot, I take a moment, sit down, look him in the eyes, ask questions... just show him that I'm interested. Also, when I go in to say goodnight before bed, I try to take my time, ask about his day, how he's doing. Lastly, I try to schedule one-on-one time with both of the kids on a regular basis. I think that's important.

 

At 11 DS is still very affectionate with me (I love that he will come up and give me a big hug in front of all his friends!) and does seem to be comfortable asking me about things, so I am hopeful our connection will stay strong.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hugs, ongoing conversations about stuff that does not interest me at all (in depth conversations about Lego StarWars anyone?!), laughing at their jokes and making my own. . .

 

Sometimes when bonds seem to be fraying along with tempers, I make a point of just being there with them quietly - often touching but not hugging because they still don't like me so much at that point. Sometimes I share with them that I struggle with some of the very same troubles or tendencies. I want them to know that I can empathize with them without always trying to fix them.

[ereks mom]

I listen as they talk about the issues they are requesting prayer for. And I (and dh too) really do spend time in prayer for them.

 

Lately, EK has been concerned for her friends who are compromising themselves emotionally and sometimes sexually. ER has been concerned about people he knows (including one of his professors) who claim to be Christians but whose lifestyles say otherwise.

 

I think our family becomes "collected" to each other as we share with each other and support one another in the ministry that is part of our lifestyle. We share a camaraderie that we don't see in many families these days.

[Brindee]

At 11 DS is still very affectionate with me (I love that he will come up and give me a big hug in front of all his friends!) and does seem to be comfortable asking me about things, so I am hopeful our connection will stay strong.

My ds is 15 now, but he still does that once in awhile! I love it! :001_smile:

 

We have family worship together every night. We read and discuss things or watch a relevant video/dvd and discuss it. We go into each of their rooms before bed to say a prayer with only that one, chat a bit and tell them goodnight. We ALWAYS say we love them before we leave the room.

 

One thing my dh and I do is talk about how much in love he and I are, how we feel God brought us together, how we work TOGETHER to make a strong marriage, and how we pray together daily to strengthen our relationship with God and each other. They feel safe/comfortable/happy about our relationship, and know to pray about any relationships that may come up for them.

 

We have mom and daughter and father and son evenings, and vice versa.

 

We have family nights. We used to always have it once a week, but that's slipped a little. We just play games or watch a movie together and laugh and have fun, with no talk of school or work or anything.

 

We have religious memory things we do as well, ask them about their favorite things, sing a certain song every Saturday night, etc.

 

My dd even still likes me to tuck her into bed each night. She'll get in her bed and I'll pull up and straighten her covers. It's something neither one of us wants to give up!

[Laurie4b]

With older boys:

 

Hugs

Food they like (this is really important to one ds)

Encouraging bonding with dad (ie no jealousy that he takes them off on short trips while I stay home, etc.)

Being close to their dad

Facebook

Paradoxically, keeping my distance at times keeps them from having to pull away

[sweetTN]

 

 

My dd even still likes me to tuck her into bed each night. She'll get in her bed and I'll pull up and straighten her covers. It's something neither one of us wants to give up!

 

:001_smile:My dd gets ready for bed, jumps in, and then calls to be tucked in. This means her throwing back the covers for me to crawl in with her. We spend a while just talking about the day, or what's going on with friends/family. It is such a special time...I hope it lasts.:001_smile:

[Brindee]

 

:001_smile:My dd gets ready for bed, jumps in, and then calls to be tucked in. This means her throwing back the covers for me to crawl in with her. We spend a while just talking about the day, or what's going on with friends/family. It is such a special time...I hope it lasts.:001_smile:

Awwww, isn't it special? I do crawl in with her sometimes as well, or sit on the edge of her bed and talk and giggle/laugh with her! I'm going to let this go on as long as she wants it to! I'm thinking this will always be a special memory for our dd's! It's a warm fuzzy thing that they'll later look back on with fondness!:001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

I tend not to do many special things (dates, notebooks, etc.) Instead this is our approach:

 

We focus on quantity, not quality (yes, you read that right!)

 

We don't do a lot of things that don't include our dc.

 

We have built a family culture: inside jokes, common learning, shared interests, etc.

 

I spend a ton of time in discussion and teaching them each day.

 

We invest a LOT of time into dc, sacrificing of ourselves, but yet not creating a family that centers around them. It is a balancing act.

[Mommy22alyns]

I hug, kiss, and snuggle my girls constantly. Other times I might smooth their hair or give them a gentle brush on the back as I go by.

Sylvia wants a "snuggle" before bed about 99% of the time and I oblige her.

Becca asks for one sometimes and I try to oblige her as much as possible. Some day she might not want it anymore and I'll miss it.

Each girl has her own special nickname from me.

We also do "family nights."

 

Probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting too!

[Danestress]

laughing at his jokes

 

asking his opinion

 

smiling when I see him

 

smiling whether I see his friends

 

staying up late waiting for him to come home - always our best time for talking

 

taking him out for coffee one on one without an agenda

 

talking to him without an agenda - letting him lead talk where he wanted it to go rather than try to come around to the big morality lesson I wanted to give.

 

I've said it here a million times and I still think it's true. No man or child can resist being adored. I just tried to adore him without pressuring him.

[Peri]

I'm reading Hold onto Your Kids and he addresses "collecting your children". For those who haven't read the book, it means gathering them to you emotionally on a regular basis in order to keep a close emotional link to them, with one goal being to keep you as the person they lean towards rather than outside friends, etc. I think, for the most part, just being part of their daily lives I kind of do this naturally. I do notice that busyness and getting sidetracked with other things will result in my not doing this, brushing them off, not making eye contact, etc. I just like the idea of hearing creative ideas on this. This may be so natural to some that they don't think about it, while others may struggle with it. I don't know.

 

I met a mom who got a little notebook for her dd, and they would write notes back and forth and hide it under each other's pillow. We did that for a while because I thought it was so sweet...we lost the notebook a while back, and I need to find it. :) I'd like ideas on this with boys also. This has been such a topic between me and the Lord lately, keeping my children's heart at home, towards their dad and I. Thoughts?

 

I just bought this book and have started reading it. One of the reasons I started homeschooling is because I believe that your children should be as close to you as the skin on your flesh. With my dd get older and my middle child being the difficult one, i worry about a tear in the bond.

 

I don't want to stifle or smother my kids. I just want them to know and feel that there is no one in the world that loves them and wants the best for them like me and dh do.

 

I do believe that it all starts with mom and dad. I think that when spouses have a healthy relationship it makes the relationships with the children easier. Parents should not fight infront of the children because children do take it personaly. I am also totaly against spanking/hitting because i feel like it causes our children to not trust us.

 

I am not a person of words so sitting down and talking to form bonds doesn't work for me. I like to touch, caress, kiss, and cuddle whenever I get the chance which is quite often. I breastfed and coslept. I find that human touch alone has great healing properties.

[Peri]

I've only skimmed that book, but your mention of eye contact is making me smile.

 

I'm in the habit of "gazing" at my dd's - especially when we're sitting at a stop light in the car. In my mind, I'm mostly thinking about how quickly time has gone, how they're maturing, etc. To them, mom has gone psycho and is staring menacingly at them. They hate it when I do that! It's become a huge family joke (they often mimic me doing it) but I think it's kind of serving as a "collecting" tool.

 

So I guess my short answer is "goofiness". I'm collecting my children with "goofiness".

 

I do this too and I get the same reaction. I can't help it though. I find them to be so breath taking.

[Guest janainaz]

One of my friends was talking about seeing life from her kid's perspective and how eye-opening that was to her. I like that a lot. I know that I get so caught up in being busy and my own personal insanity of everything that does not matter being so ridiculously important that I don't just forget, but choose to not stop and look at my kids that matter so much to me.

 

There is so much pressure to raise our kids to be doers and to feel that they need to be ready to compete in the world to survive - the "survival of the fittest" that we make mountains out of molehills and forget that our only job is just to love them for who they are, unconditionally, not based on what they do.

 

I know until I really let go of what holds me captive, I will struggle with being able to love them perfectly because my own issues stand in the way. Holding your kids hearts is not a 1-2-3 step, it's very deep and starts with how we love ourselves.

 

I loved that book, by the way.