Need help getting help

[Targhee]

I posted this in the military group, but I guess I'm not patient enough to wait for anyone to respond there:

 

So, we're gearing up for a military transfer to Alaska, and my DH will immediately deploy to Afghanistan. Because DH is going to deploy immediately (within 2-3 weeks), the kids and I are going to stay where we are and not move. We live off-post, in a military-friendly but necessarily military-full community. My closest family is 5 hours away, and my main support group is through church. So, I don't have military support here, or family support, but I have a few friends and the routines and familiar places of the last 3 years. Still, I am afraid of going bonkers while DH is gone. Mostly, I am afraid of being with kids (6, 4, 2) 24/7 and never getting the down time I need to refresh and be ready to be mom again. This down time is important to us all, and it is vitally important to me as I am not a real social bug, and prefer to be alone rather than amongst people for my down-time.

 

My 4 and 2 year olds are handfuls - love them, they are definitely "characters" - and I'm not always able to roll with their antics. They're both randoms, and I am so sequential. DH's biggest role in parenting has been the fun, patient, and exciting one who is just as much a character as they are, who comes in and plays with the kids (or even just supervises) so I can get some solitude and some house work done. Even when we've been apart for 4-6 weeks at a time I start losing it - I get short with the kids, I stay up too late to get time away, I yell and becoming generally ugly. Not what I want to be for the next year. I just need a relief pitcher so I can recharge, and do something (anything) uninterupted. Otherwise I engage in unneccesary battles with the kids, lose my focus, and spiral down to become tyrana-mom.

 

So what do I do when he's gone? What do single parents do?? Have any of you ever considered hiring someone to babysit regularly (like a part-time nanny kind of thing or mother's helper)? I thought first about house cleaning service, but I need a time away from everyone, not just someone to pick up the slack around the house (though that would be nice too). Because my youngers are too young to be in classes without mommy, I can't simply have them in a gym or swim or music class where I can disapear for a while and come back ready to face the world.

 

I feel like my alternative is public school, preschool, and a nap for the 2 year old (which isn't good, because she would be up late and into my "kids are in bed so I can relax for an hour" time before bed). Public school really isn't what I want - interesting that I am comparing babysitting and public school as alternatives for each other :confused1:. I want to homeschool AND be a good mom, but without outside help I don't know if I can do it. Any suggestions???

[Sasharowan]

Can you get a young teen that wants babysitting experience to come to your house for an hour or two a couple times a week? She could play with the kids outside or in a play room while you go to the other end of the house and do whatever. That way she gets experience and you are there if there is an emergency. When my dd9 and ds7 were little, a friends daughter that was 10 came over once in a while and played with them. It gave her experience in little kids that she could use when she was old enough to babtsit and gave me a break. The little ones loved having a "big" kid that would play with them.

[MamaT]

It sounds like you need to have someone come in once or twice a week for a few hours to give you a break.

 

Do you know anyone at church who also has small children and would be willing to swap off with you? Maybe her kids could come to your house while she has a break (sometimes kids are easier when they have someone to play with), and then you could drop yours at her house on another day and have a break yourself.

 

I feel for you. It's hard enough to have three littles with dh to help, I can't imagine going it alone. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[Jennifer in MI]

First of all, thank your dh and your family for the sacrifices you are making for all of us. Truly. I am so moved when I hear these stories.

 

Second, I've never been in your shoes, so I can't say for sure what I'd do. But, could you plan a few trips to your family? Not just short one or two day trips, but extended ones - a couple weeks at a time. That way you'll have help right there and you can really relax and recharge for the next few weeks.

 

Third, when you are at home, is there a friend who may take the kids for a couple hours once a week? That way you can stay at home ALONE to recharge.

 

Fourth - I'm thinking of things that would drive me insane being alone with the kids for that long. One of them is shopping. Is there a way you can do that alone once/week? Maybe a neighbor girl who could watch the kids for a couple hours?

 

Fifth - Can you plan for a massage once/month? Or maybe just a dinner out with a best friend? Something to look forward to?

 

Those are things I'd think of as necessary. :grouphug: to you and your family.

[missplacedalaskan]

Does your church offer some kind of Mom's Day Out program? Maybe you could take the children to church and let them have a playday while you stay home and "recharge".

 

Where will you be in Alaska? We PCS'd from Anchorage to Mississippi and Dh has been restationed to Fairbanks. We are extremely excited to be going back to Alaska!

[Starr]

I think I would try and find someone to come in and spend time with the kids regularly. My dd babysits for a family from church. They are both professors. Sometimes they are home and sometimes they are gone. They may be working in the home office or doing things around the house or away. She is really expected to play with them as well as make lunch or snacks. It would be fun for the kids and give you a break. You would know that it will happen regularly and could plan for the time. I'd do it as often as you can afford it. :) Don't panic. You are doing the best thing possible, recognizing your needs while your husband is away and making plans that help your family! It must be very hard. :grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

Ahhh, I am so in the same shoes right now!

 

DH is gone, our closest family is 5 hours away, there's not a military support anywhere around here, and I depend on my church entirely.

 

I have a ladies class on Tuesdays where I can leave the kids from 11-2 for $3/child. I use that time to get things done that I don't want to drag the kids around for. On Tuesday evenings I have a babysitter every week. I have bible study every other week, but on the off week I just go do whatever I want.

 

Other than that, I am at the church every time the doors are open to see grown-ups and there are classes for the kids. Really though, it isn't bad overall. My kids do watch too many movies in the afternoons, but sometimes I need quiet and they need a break from me. You will survive and it will be fine.

 

Good luck!

[Sugarfoot]

Hi, Shannon,

 

We have a military base here, and lots of military families in our church. We also have some in our homeschool group, as well. Please know that if you need something, chances are good that the people of your church/community are more than willing to help. Don't hesitate to reach out to people with teen girls who might be able to watch the kids for a couple of hours or something. Our favorite babysitter's husband just got home from Iraq last weekend. That's another thing that you could think about---maybe another woman with a deployed spouse who doesn't have children yet could give you a break when you need it. Our friend has lots of energy and looks forward to just playing with the kids. She's much younger than I...:)

[Mere2]

I'm living that life right now......and yep insanity is just a part of it. :D Seriously people ask me how I do it...I tell them that I dont do it, I border on the verge on insanity. It is a tough tough slog.

 

I live in a tiny house, so its not possible for me however if you could, I would try and get an au pair to assist you. It would provide some support for you etc. The hardest thing I always found was taking my sick child to hospital in the wee hours and having to drag the well child with me. At least with an au -pair there would be some back up.

 

If you cant then I would get a babysitter in one day a week or see if you can organise the kids to go to a childcare centre or something one day a week. I have my DD (6yr) go to a French school on Fridays. She is the oldest by 18months in the class, however it just gives me that little sanity break from the continual questions and conversation that occurs all week.

 

Things that drive me nuts - no one to ring up and ask them to bring home some milk on the way home from work. Food shopping - we dont have internet delivery here so thats not an option for me. If you have it there then use it (even if it is more expensive.) Never getting time to myself to have a thought......

 

Beware of payback week - when DH visits (sounds weird!), the kids go on payback week and are incrediably revolting. Just make sure that you have everything organise prior to that week so you can survive their emotional turmoil.

 

Benefits - less washing, cleaning and less relating etc. Sounds weird but when you are really tired and have finally got the kids in bed, you don't have to then relate to someone else....you just sit in silence and enjoy the silence.

 

I have established Mummys time out. The kids know when I say Mummys time out, that they have to leave me alone for a set time (unless there is an emergency.) I generally use this when I am going insane.

 

I have my 6yr old enrolled in gym, ballet etc. Even though I still have my 4yr old with me (special needs), it gives me a little break for that hour. Also I get to see/ talk with other adults. Can you enrol your 6 and 4 yr old in a class together? The classes also help with keeping their routine going. My DD gym has the perfect set up where you sit in a room with other adults (and their) littlies and you can watch your child through the window.

 

Must go and do some parenting...feel free to ask me anything or just to have a winge....because I certainly understand.

 

Good luck

Fi

[3lilreds in NC]

I think a mother's helper or part-time nanny would be wonderful for you! A part-time nanny might be willing to pick up a little housework for you, particularly if it means cleaning up after the kids. Certainly you would be able to leave the house without company sometimes.

 

An au pair, if you could swing it, would be wonderful. I can't imagine, for me, being able to afford it, but it sounds heavenly.

 

Definitely make some arrangements that will allow for you to have consistent, dependable help. If you know "Jane" is coming on Wednesday, surely that will help you make it through Tuesday. :)

 

:grouphug: Thank you for your sacrifice. Please tell your husband that we appreciate him and all he does.

[TravelingChris]

I would absolutely get some time for you. You need to get a babysitter for some times or as others said, some cobinations of care situtions. It is good that you recoognize this need now. My dh has never deployed but has had many, many tdys some of which where months long. Here are things I did when my kids were younger- go see a movie, go shopping or get your hair done. I would also scale down my activities at home- like unlike when dh is home, I make much simpler meals. Even now with my youngest being 12, I tend to have scaled back dinners when dh is gone which is a lot.

[runamuk]

When my husband was in Iraq, another military mom and I would swap babysitting once a month so that we both could have some down time. I also had a babysitter come by once or twice a month so I could go to a knitting class, see a movie, or browse the bookstore on my own.

 

We had very few groups in town geared toward the military family (despite the town being outside the largest base on the east coast), but there were many things to do on base - Kindermusic, library programs, Mom's morning out, arts & crafts activities and the like. Check your church for children's activities, especially this summer. Look into free activities around town - many museums have a free morning, some zoos have free days, and parks are always free. Ask for military discounts at places, too - you can do more things if you're not paying full price. ;) Sometimes breaking out of your normal routine can be all you need.

 

Along the lines of breaking your routine, have you considered cooking or baking with them? My son could break eggs at 2.5 and dump flour into a bowl. My daughter loved scooping ingredients and measuring things out. Kneading bread can burn a lot of energy. They'd have a focused activity to do and I'd have a fresh batch of cookies or a loaf of bread or cinnamon rolls. :D

 

Don't be afraid to have the kids go to their rooms when things start getting out of hand. This gives you a chance to calm down and also gives them a chance to settle. Sometimes just moving them to a different room can derail any antics they may be up to. Have some toys set aside for that time, something that only comes out when things get stressful. Hullaballoo is a great game that I used for the kids - they can play it themselves and burn off some energy at the same time. Or it may be a special set of legos or a doll. Something they normally don't get to play with.

 

Do you have any hobbies? After I'd put the kids to bed at night (8:30pm every night) I'd sew, knit, or read. I watched the entire Star Trek: DS9 and Voyager series while he was gone (yeah, I'm a nerd, lol) while I made summer outfits and knitted winter hats. Sure, I was in the house and the kids were just down the hall, but I was doing something for me and me only.

 

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

 

Oh, that's another thing- if someone offers to watch your kids, mow your lawn, do your shopping, let them! Many times, people don't know what you need, so don't be afraid to let them know. Sometimes saying "Thanks for watching the kids. I really needed the break and this meant so much to me" can be a way of letting those who want to help know what you need.

[Targhee]

Thanks for all the responses!! :grouphug: It feels reassuring to hear others think that getting outside help is a good idea. DH thinks it is a great idea - I'm just one of those people who has a real hard time asking for help (and letting people help). Thanks for all those little suggestions, too, like having Mummy Time Out, and having the kids go to their room sometimes. I think I'd like to find a group or a class to pursue my hobbies (guitar, knit, running) like OP suggested.

 

I don't think we have the room to have an au pair (no bedroom for her, all 3 kids are already sharing one room). Our house is small and laid out in such a way that I couldn't be in another part of the house without hearing/bumping into/worrying about the kids - it's under 1200 sq ft in a story and a half. So that kind of rules out a "young" mother's helper to be there while I am around. Perhaps someone older (16?) that would be confident doing this while I am away. Someone who could shuttle the kids to/from gym or music classes might be good, too. All of my friends (at least within a 20 minute drive) put their kids in preschool to "get a break" and I don't think they'd be interested in spending that time watching my kids. It's sad that there's no one in the neighborhood - even in the evenings - for the kids to go out and play with either. We live far enough from military bases that I don't have many military spouse friends. I do have one, who homeschools, but they live 20 miles away.

 

I see two general times for which I need help: me going out alone (shopping, apts. (hair, doc), class for me or a ladies group, jogging), and me staying at home alone (cleaning, meal prep, homeschool planning).

So, I guess I need to get a helper/nanny to come in maybe two or three times a week for those things. Even admitting this is a big step for me :tongue_smilie:.

 

I may have to ask for a different job at church, since I teach Sunday School to young children, and it would be nice to have the association with other adults at that time rather than have yet another morning without adult interaction.

 

Thanks again for kind remarks and helpful suggestions, everyone!