umarider Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Well, that's not really an option, so how do I get it through dd9s head that she needs to STOP LYING??!!! The latest episode came this AM. The kids know that after they've eaten breakfast and done their morning chores (teeth, dressed, take care of cats) they can play on the computer or watch TV. If both girls are up, dd12 makes sure her sister does her work before play. Today only dd9 was up. She came to ask me for help w/ the computer. I asked had she eaten and done her chores, "yes". But when I went to get the computer started, I noticed there were no breakfast dishes in the sink. When confronted dd9 lied and then lied 3 more times to try to get herself out of trouble! My question is, what actions do I take to get the message through her head that lying is wrong and that she shouldn't be doing wrong things? Actually, she knows it's wrong. But right now doing something "wrong" is obviously better than missing out on what she wants to do. My sister and I were both chronic liars as kids. Our dad tried to break us of it, but instead of learning not to lie, we learned "don't get caught lying". So far, I've taken away TV, computer priviledges in AM for the next week. (She lied to get computer time, therefore by lying she lost the thing she wanted). And I am going to have her call DH when he gets to work and tell him about lying. Are these good steps? Any other suggestions?:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GothicGyrl Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 One thing I do NOT tolerate is lying. And I am vicious about it if I find out (fangs, claws AND pitchfork). If I even suspect they are lying to me, it goes like this: M--"You have exactly ONE chance to tell me the truth. If you do not use that chance to tell me the truth, you WILL be painfully punished and you will not like it... did you etc..." That is all I say. And I say it in a low, mean, almost evil voice. (it's hard to describe it really, but I do not play games with lying). And I usually get the truth out of them. I've honestly never gotten to the "painfully punished" part :) But if I had, they would be on restriction from everything they lied about (your case: the computer, all electronics), chores would be upped and supervised and they would NOT get a single priviledge whatsoever until I felt they were telling me the truth. Lying is just something I do not tolerate and I get mean and angry when it happens. And they know this, which is probably why I get the truth right up front. (for the record, I am not abusive, i don't abuse my kids and I cannot begin to properly describe the whole voice thing. I just do not tolerate lying. But I do not abuse my kids) Oh and one more thing--For the time being, I'd probably stop with the 12 yr old making sure sis does her work. I would personally be doing this--following her around everywhere until it was done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Unfortunately the only idea I have is more work for you... It would mean that you have to check up on every item on her list every day. That is, you wouldn't ask if she had brushed her teeth or eaten breakfast you would make her do those things in front of you or it wouldn't count. I expect that she would find it annoying to be watched while brushing her teeth and told that if Mommy didn't witness the eating of breakfast that it didn't count as having happened. I know that it would be annoying to you, but at least you wouldn't have to deal with lying for a while... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenKitty Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I think taking away things they like is a good route to go. I feel for ya. We would hope our children would learn to tell the truth while they are young. Because lying as an adult can have horrible consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hestia Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I recently had a similar case with my 14 yr old. I told her that I understood that she would instinctively lie to keep out of trouble and with that in mind gave her 5 minutes cool down to 'fess up. Then I told her that I understand it takes real maturity to discipline yourself to take care of the things you need to be doing and not to tell lies. I told her that her behaviour was what I expected of a child who would also need to have more basic needs taken care of. She got the point when I insisted on fastening her shoes and clicking her seatbelt in the next time we went in the car. I assured her that the next time she lied (oh and I would know!), I would be holding her hand to cross the road next time we went out! Zero tolerance for liars here too! I am sympathetic to her though coz I know plenty of adults who lie. I bang on all the time about the importance of integrity. You only have to be found out in one lie to lose it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 This sometimes works: The next time you ask her what she wants (to eat, etc.), say, "Okay," and give her SOMETHING ELSE. If she asked for waffles, give cereal. If she asked for Pepsi, give water. DO NOT explain. Wait for her to say, "But I asked for waffles!" Calmly and empathetically say, "Oh. I thought you were lying then, too." And not another word about it. (This part is imperative. Don't lecture or explain. Just say it, and move on. DO NOT give her the other thing she requested.) She'll get it. HIH, Lisa P.S. With my habitual liar, I had to stop asking questions and just verify with my own eyes. When the chore, etc., wasn't done, I consequenced w/o discussion. When I ask questions, he lies. every. time. I'm tired of yammering about why lying is bad, so I try not to give him a chance to lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie N Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Well, apparently you cannot trust her; therefore... if she comes to you and asks if she can go on the computer, then she has to wait until you are ready to check her work to see if she has done it. Don't ever ask a question which would give her the inclination or opportunity to lie, when she comes to you, just tell her that she has to wait until you find out. (You can use the computer after I've checked your work, and I"m busy right now so you'll have to wait for me to check). Oh, and the waiting time comes off her computer time. I wouuld also talk to her about trust and how she has lost yours and how sad you are that you cannot trust her, and give her specific ways she can work towards regaining your trust. Also, I am a big believer in stories. I would dig up stories about people who lied and had bad things happen to them, and stories about people who told the truth and who thus became better people (something bad might have happened to them, but they were still better people for it!), and trust, etc. and read them to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Well, apparently you cannot trust her; therefore... if she comes to you and asks if she can go on the computer, then she has to wait until you are ready to check her work to see if she has done it. Don't ever ask a question which would give her the inclination or opportunity to lie, when she comes to you, just tell her that she has to wait until you find out. (You can use the computer after I've checked your work, and I"m busy right now so you'll have to wait for me to check). Oh, and the waiting time comes off her computer time. I wouuld also talk to her about trust and how she has lost yours and how sad you are that you cannot trust her, and give her specific ways she can work towards regaining your trust. Also, I am a big believer in stories. I would dig up stories about people who lied and had bad things happen to them, and stories about people who told the truth and who thus became better people (something bad might have happened to them, but they were still better people for it!), and trust, etc. and read them to her. Agree with this. With my dc when they lie, I must check everything because I can't trust them anymore. I do give them specific "tests" to see if I can trust them again. I will tell them straight out, "I need you to do xyz. I want to be able to trust you to do it correctly. I will check on it. If you do this correctly, I will stop checking everything you do. But I will spot check when you least expect it." I think it is important to have an end of some kind to the "I can't trust you" scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Perseverance, perseverance, perseverance. It takes a long time to break a habit. My son is better, but he still messes up. You have to give positive reinforcement for truthfulness, too. It doesn't seem right to give a reward for something you're supposed to do anyway, but it works. I've heard of a kind of boot camp, too, maybe from this board, where your child doesn't leave your side for a few days to a week. If they are constantly in your presence you of course know exactly when they are telling the truth. This requires superhuman determination on the parent's part, and I've never been able to pull it off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonia Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 But when I went to get the computer started, I noticed there were no breakfast dishes in the sink. When confronted dd9 lied and then lied 3 more times to try to get herself out of trouble! I think instead of confronting her and "giving" her another chance to lie - just state the facts. "Oh, I see you didn't eat breakfast after all, since you didn't tell me the truth then you can't play on the computer right now." By asking her "if" she lied you are opening the door for her to lie again to get out of whatever trouble is coming. The next time you ask her what she wants (to eat, etc.), say, "Okay," and give her SOMETHING ELSE. If she asked for waffles, give cereal. If she asked for Pepsi, give water. DO NOT explain. Wait for her to say, "But I asked for waffles!" Calmly and empathetically say, "Oh. I thought you were lying then, too." And not another word about it. (This part is imperative. Don't lecture or explain. Just say it, and move on. DO NOT give her the other thing she requested.) P.S. With my habitual liar, I had to stop asking questions and just verify with my own eyes. When the chore, etc., wasn't done, I consequenced w/o discussion. When I ask questions, he lies. every. time. I'm tired of yammering about why lying is bad, so I try not to give him a chance to lie. I agree with this - I think someone else used this same type of punishment. I remember reading about it on the old boards. Well, apparently you cannot trust her; therefore... if she comes to you and asks if she can go on the computer, then she has to wait until you are ready to check her work to see if she has done it. Don't ever ask a question which would give her the inclination or opportunity to lie, when she comes to you, just tell her that she has to wait until you find out. (You can use the computer after I've checked your work, and I"m busy right now so you'll have to wait for me to check). Good advice here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle in MO Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 One thing I do NOT tolerate is lying. I'm with Toni; it's one of my biggest pet peeves when my dd's lie to me, no matter whether it's a small or great matter. Once, about 5 years ago, my oldest was "playing" with some White-Out on my bed for some dumb reason and got White-Out on the bed. I asked each girl whether or not they had done it, and of course, none of them had. I wasn't so upset about the White-Out as I was about the obvious fact that one of them had done and and no one was willing to "fess up." My oldest asked one of the other two girls to take the blame for her. When I found out what really happened, I grounded her for three days from everything---TV, talking to friends on the phone, etc. The part that really hurt was this: one of those days was her birthday! I still grounded her. She lied on one other occasion to me, and the punishment was equally as serious. As far as I know, she hasn't lied since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Well, that's not really an option, so how do I get it through dd9s head that she needs to STOP LYING??!!! This article in New York magazine has a stupid headline, but the writer does an awesome job dissecting some research behind why kids lie, and, in the process, giving parents hope that it's never too late to turn things around. It's worth a read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umarider Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Thank you all for your helpful responses. Words cannot describe my instinctive response to hearing my dc lie. Fortunately, I take a deep breath and try to find a good way to handle things. Like I said in my OP, my parents' way of punishing lying only made my sister and me into better liars. I think the worst punishment by far was having dd call her dad at work and have to tell him (no mumbling or crying allowed) what she had done. She was mortified. I then explained that a good self-check for any behavior is whether you would be willing to call up daddy, or grandpa (2 people she really looks up to) and tell them about it. Also, I used the story reading idea, and today when we were reading a book set in medieval Japan, I used the example of the Samurai Code for honesty. We talked about it later in the day, and she was surprised when I told her that if she'd simply said "I'm sorry, Mom, I forgot that I need to eat breakfast before playing on the computer" she would have only gotten a mild scolding. Well, tomorrow's a new day. Let's hope for a better one. :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Thank you for posting this! We are dealing with this issue right now with my 8 yr. old. We had a situation last night that upset me so much. I, too, have no tolerance level for lying. I have a person in my life who lies to me quite often so when I find out that my dd does this as well, I don't handle it very calmly. Thans to those who gave suggestions on how to handle this. This has helped. Julia mom of 3 (8,7,5) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 We talked about it later in the day, and she was surprised when I told her that if she'd simply said "I'm sorry, Mom, I forgot that I need to eat breakfast before playing on the computer" she would have only gotten a mild scolding. When this has come up at our house, I've needed to review and revise how I react to the boys not doing what they are supposed to. If I am in the habit of really going off on them for things they have forgotten or just not done, then the consequence for lying about it really doesn't seem any worse. Sometimes I've needed to tone down my reactions so that being truthful really is better than lying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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