Peek a Boo Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I think that you can only test for pharmaceuticals, not pot or glue. And who would test that, the police department? THere is an over the counter thing for cocaine or something specific like that, its not a test that covers a broad spectrum. i would take her in anyway-- and not tell her the results :D at least she'll know you are willing to test her at anytime,and that might put a damper on future use. assuming the test is negative..... and i'd start confiscating her stuff and pawning it. backpacks. ipods. etc. and ya know what? even if calling the police leads to longer-term consequences [unable to serve in the military] then THAT's LIFE!!! that's why they are called CONSEQUENCES!! you might also consider calling the local department of family services and asking them about options. i would support letting her get emancipated. maybe even pitch in to pay for it to get her out of the house legally. and not let her take ANYthing w/ her when she leaves. and change the locks. good luck!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Go to walgreens they have at home drug test, and yes they can test for whatever you want them to test for at the doctor or at the home ones. They have ones just for pot, or cocaine, or even a broad spectrum. But your doctor can test for everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 IMHO The only thing that might help is totally removing all her connections with the people she currently considers friends. These people condone and expect her to be who she currently is. Change will not be tolerated. If she changes she will be ostracized by that social group and she will not be accepted by any other social groups. This is the way of the jungle that is high school. If she is in the same school with the same friends, counseling will in all likelihood do nothing but waste your money and her time. Pull her out of school and take her to counseling, put her in boarding school, send her to live with her Grandma. The situation must change or she will not. :grouphug: Sorry, Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I wonder if someone who steals without remorse will care about being caught on camera... Is she denying it? The purpose of catching the thief in the act is to facilitate prosecution in a court of law. The more money has been stolen, the bigger the crime -- it may not be a petty theft case; it might be grand larceny or grand theft. I don't know the threshold for each offense level, but at some point it becomes a felony. 17yo's can also be tried as adults in many cases. Remorse may also kick in more quickly, but either way, a 17yo high school senior knows that it's wrong to steal -- especially from one's own parents. :grouphug: Dooley. It would tear me to pieces, but I would throw the book at my own kid for exhibiting this pattern of behavior. I don't see any other option, other than packing up her stuff and leaving it on the porch, then changing the locks. I'm dead serious. Whatever you're doing now isn't making her stop. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 with her daughter. The money was being used for drugs, even through two pregnancies. Fortunately and in answer to prayer the kids are fine. She was finally kicked out when the amount of money she stole was putting her parents into a serious financial bind. She even conned the local quik mart to cash the checks she forged her mother's name on. After being kicked out, which was very hard for her parents to do (she was 19 or 20 then), she was smart enough to find friends to stay with for a few days, then checked into a free Christian addiction treatment center, staying 90 days. She went in kicking and screaming, but had no place else to go, other than a homeless shelter. At first she would call her mother, complaining it was a cult, but she was cured and has never relapsed, and has gone onto serve God and do well. She was bipolar, but that is gone too. Her mother put up with all of this for several years, to try to keep her off drugs as much as possible for the protection of the health of the unborn children. A few months after the second baby was born, and things had escalated, my friend reached the point where she knew she had to get her out of the house or they were not going to be financially solvent. When her daughter got married, they did not help with the expenses, as she had spent all that money and much more when she stole from them. They still have not recovered financially and it is has been three years. It seemed that it was in God's timing, and that my friend had to reach the point where she was so desperate that she was willing to kick her out. She was not then a minor, however, and that may make a difference to you. She also knew her daughter was smart enough and srtreet wise enough not to end up as a prostitute, or in another terrrible situation. The daughter had spent some time in a secular hospital based program, but all that did was buy some time for one of the babies not to be influenced by drugs while the daughter/mother was in there. The insurance company paid for that. I mention that to say that I would hate for you to spend a lot of money on a program, for it not to work. An expensive program does not necessarily mean it is effective. I'm not trying to say that only a free Christian program is effective - just wanted to tell you my friend's story in case it gave you any insight from a been there done that experience. Oh, and my friend's daughter loves God and is doing great. But it was very hard on the whole family for a few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My heart really goes out to you on this. It brought back memories of a childhood incident involving my brother. He had pot on him and my mom discovered it accidently while looking in his backpack. The problem was we lived on an Air Force base at the time and my mom was worried about the consequences of it happening on federal property, or it being mistaken for belonging to either her or my dad. Anyhow, I'll never forget the tears streaming down my mom's face when my brother realized the reason the police were at our door was because she called them and tuned him in. He wasn't expecting it at all. So many years have passed since then but my mom has said several times she never regretted that decision, as hard as it was because at least he was able to learn his lesson sooner rather than later. I can also say that none of us younger siblings ever doubted the grit and determination of our mom after that either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 I had my dh read over all these posts, hopefully we will be on the same page. I tend to be harder on her. I agree we are at the drastic measure stage. Again. I think the idea of locking the doors and putting her out the next time money is missing is good. I did go to the Juvenile Court last year, for advice, they said that the judge would tell us to put her in shelters etc, before the court system would step in. In our state, after 16, you are treated as an adult for offenses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I think at this point I'd help her move out. In the nicest way possible. You've tried everything else, right? Get her a newspaper, snuggle up on the couch with her with bright pink and red pens and start circling "dream apartments". If they have addresses, go cruise by them and check them out. Heck, just for the fun of it take her to a few open houses and so on. Encourage her to get a job and figure out how to afford all she'll need. Talk about hours, getting two jobs, etc. In other words - turn the whole thing around and approach the situation with joy. Yay - look, my baby is all grown up - this is so exciting! Maybe promise her if she finds a job and an apartment, you'll buy her new curtains, or dishes or something. While she's at home, start assuming she's an adult and treat her like one. Send her to the store to do the grocery shopping. Ask her to plan the meals. Have her get the younger ones ready for their day. Start pretending like she's an adult relative who is staying with you temporarily until she finds a place in town and presume on her as much as you would presume on an adult. Oh, and I'd also start keeping a running tally in a hugely visible place. Tape up a big sheet of paper on the fridge and say, "Sally - I notice you borrowed $20.00 from me. I'm adding that to the amount you owe. The total is "120.00." Just state it and move on with no further discussion. This is harsh, but some kids will not remain kids during their later teen years. They love it when parents buy into it. They love the power it gives them. Or they're simply ready to leave. I say rather than letting it get to the point where you're all furious with each other, support her aspirations instead. If you help her move out and become independent with a loving heart, then she'll be able to turn to you when reality hits home. Just think; a few hundred years ago she would have been expected to be married, pregnant, and running a home by now. Some teens are just ready to be adults. I love the idea of turning it around. It keeps Mom as the hero. Fantastic idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemytea Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 What about some MAJOR punishments? Take away her cell phone, iPod, bed, TV, everything, until she works at McDonald's or wherever to pay you every cent back. She needs to be punished. If she's willing to steal from her parents, shaming her is useless. She isn't ashamed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 In terms of moving out, she is determined to move out with her guy friend as soon as she graduates. Not a boyfriend (she doesnt have one), a guy friend. DH and I wont allow that - I mean there is a time and place where hormones will take over and something could happen! I remember being a teenager! As long as she is under our control, she is not living with a guy. So entertaining the idea of agreeing to move out would be challenging, since this is the scenario she is determined to make happen, no other. Thats why, when she claimed she would just go and get emancipated, I said great idea - if she wont listen to reason, live under reasonable circumstances with reasonable rules that are meant to shape her into a good citizen with a good future and wants to be free of our "shackles", that would be the only way she can be free of them. Of course moving our would be predicated upon having a JOB first, which she doesnt. I have driven her around, I have found stuff in the paper, on the computer...she says she has "looked and talked to people", but, no job yet. Thats why she takes money from the rest of us, she really doesnt want to work.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 What about some MAJOR punishments? Take away her cell phone, iPod, bed, TV, everything, until she works at McDonald's or wherever to pay you every cent back. She needs to be punished. If she's willing to steal from her parents, shaming her is useless. She isn't ashamed. I have done all this, so many, many times. She does not care. Did I mention, she doesnt have a job? I cant make her legs walk into a place of employment or make her fingers fill out an application. Wish I could. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have done all this, so many, many times. She does not care. Did I mention, she doesnt have a job? I cant make her legs walk into a place of employment or make her fingers fill out an application. Wish I could. :glare: If she wants emancipation/freedom, she needs to have a job. What does she think? She can just move out and sneak back in to get more money? Does she realize what a stupid idea that is? I liked the other poster's idea about turning the tables, getting excited and helping her pick where she's going to go and how she'll support herself. Maybe that would be a. the reality check she needs and b. something positive between the two of you. She needs to come up with a budget and plan her exit; if you help her, happily, then you might become the good guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I read that you've tried tough love & tougher love and that the relationship & her bhvr continue to deteriorate. I'll suggest something else then - a developmental approach to reattach her to you - Dr. Neufeld's Hold on to your Kids and his Making Sense of Adolescence video course http://www.gordonneufeld.com/booksvideos.php Unless she's a psychopath, you can re-parent this kid, and re-attach her. Dr. Neufeld's work before he went into teaching was with street kids & violent young offenders. I've heard him speak on this subject and he's very compelling. The resources there would just be to get you started. You'd need therapy - all of you, separately and together and it needs to be something different than what you've been doing till now because that has not been helping. I would also suggest a full psych assessment for her, & blood & urine tested for drugs. And then I'd really recommend working hard to get her back. There was a question asked at a conference one time about getting a drifting kid back and Neufeld talked about various strategies but they all hinged on - getting the kid away from peers; making them dependent on you; heaping the love and acceptance on. One example he gave was of a parent & child hiking trip, out into the wilderness for several weeks, pulling the kid out of their world & putting all your attention on them. You need to find a way to break through to her & you'll likely need to shake up a lot of different things to make it happen. One thing he was clear about is that the kids he worked with felt deeply unloved, unlovable and alone. Now, he wasn't saying they should be excused from their bhvr because of this - not at all, and he worked with some awfully violent and aggressive kids. But he did say you couldn't begin to change the bhvr until you made them see love and feel attached to meaningful people in their lives. I wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I think that you can only test for pharmaceuticals, not pot or glue. And who would test that, the police department? THere is an over the counter thing for cocaine or something specific like that, its not a test that covers a broad spectrum. MJ shows up. Glue is unusual in that age. Usually huffing starts by 12, often as young as 7. People who huff are very strange in their behavior. Gasoline is a big one out here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 I am sure she does feel unloved. She has always been difficult and always in trouble. She says she feels unloved. I try to remind her how I have done things BECAUSE I love her - quit working to be with her, homeschooled her, tell her I love her daily, teach her about Jesus, read, play, walk together, cuddle, support her interests.... she still cant quite see it, because she is ALWAYS in trouble. She says I love our second oldest dd best (who is never in trouble, therefore, no yelling, no consequences...) she cant understand that this dd doesn't require the same things she does. If first dd just followed the rules! Wasn't rude or disrespectful, didn't fight everyone, didn't steal! I will check out that site, and I do thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 I am sure she does feel unloved. She has always been difficult and always in trouble. She says she feels unloved. I try to remind her how I have done things BECAUSE I love her - quit working to be with her, homeschooled her, tell her I love her daily, teach her about Jesus, read, play, walk together, cuddle, support her interests.... she still cant quite see it, because she is ALWAYS in trouble. She says I love our second oldest dd best (who is never in trouble, therefore, no yelling, no consequences...) she cant understand that this dd doesn't require the same things she does. If first dd just followed the rules! Wasn't rude or disrespectful, didn't fight everyone, didn't steal! I will check out that site, and I do thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 She was bipolar, but that is gone too. I am bi-polar. I have never heard of someone getting over or getting cured of bi-polar. It is a life long disease and usually gets worse with age. Cases like this are either diagnosed incorrectly in the first place or, as sounds more likely in this case, the behavior is caused by the drugs. Not posting this to be confrontational only to provide info as so many people are misinformed about bi-polar disorder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I'm so sorry to read about all you're going through and have gone through with your daughter. It must be so painful. I wanted to second the Gordon Neufeld recommendation made by hornblower. My husband is a high school teacher, and has had a lot of success with Neufeld's ideas. Dh has worked with many angry kids, and while teaching is certainly not the same as parenting, there are some cross-overs. My husband has observed/experienced that once the relationship is destroyed, punitive measures seem only to 'fan the flames' of an angry, rebellious teen bent on revenge against parents/teachers. Neufeld's ideas are at least partially based on this belief. I think his ideas and methods would provide you with some hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.