Jean in Newcastle Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I mean when the people are probably different than what they expect. Quite a while ago I went to a church where the pastor had only partial arms and legs. But it made no difference in his effectiveness as a pastor. I invited some people to church and they were embarrassed and upset that I hadn't told them about the pastor so that they wouldn't have looked surprised when they met him. Another time I introduced my parents to a friend of mine who is African American. My dad was a bit put out that I hadn't told him his color so that he wouldn't have felt awkward when he first met him - again because of surprise. (They got along great after meeting and my dad still keeps up on my friend's life years later). My dh is candidating at a black church in Nashville. Of course my family knows that we are candidating but I haven't mentioned that the church is 99% black American and Nigerian. In this case my family lives a ways away and so will probably not meet them face to face. But if we do go there I'm sure we'll send them pictures. I'm thinking they might feel put out if they get one picture in their minds and the truth is radically different. Yet somehow it makes me uncomfortable to have to mention this. I guess because someone's looks - whether because of their race or a disability is only one part of them. I know that is true of myself (caucasian) and dh (Filipino). What do you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 My dh is candidating at a black church in Nashville. Of course my family knows that we are candidating but I haven't mentioned that the church is 99% black American and Nigerian. In this case my family lives a ways away and so will probably not meet them face to face. But if we do go there I'm sure we'll send them pictures. I'm thinking they might feel put out if they get one picture in their minds and the truth is radically different. Yet somehow it makes me uncomfortable to have to mention this. I guess because someone's looks - whether because of their race or a disability is only one part of them. I know that is true of myself (caucasian) and dh (Filipino). What do you think? I don't necessarily think it's a matter of a warning in this situation, so much as a sharing of details that would be pertinent to your family understanding your present situation. In a letter or phone call I might say something like, "Yes, there are some really interesting things about the church dh is candidating for, one of them is that there's such ethnic diversity in the community, blah blah blah...." That way, they aren't caught by surprise, but you haven't faced it as a "Big Issue". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Well....unless they are racist (which it seems they aren't since they like your friend and your dh), why woudl you ever feel the need to clarify what color the people in the church are? Now if you were off to a nudist beach or something, yeah, you might want to give a head's up...but a predominately AA church??? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Well....unless they are racist (which it seems they aren't since they like your friend and your dh) Assuming that anyone you associate with is white seems kind of racist to me. I wouldn't warn them. I'd let them continue being shocked until they realize there's something wrong with that reaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 do what you feel best for your family... With that said, i think the "shock" reaction says more about the uninformed person than the person they are reacting to. I would never dream of "warning" someone about something obvious, nor would I expect others to warn people of my obvious characteristics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 I think Wendy is correct in that it speaks more to not having been exposed to certain kinds of people. My parents are in their 80's and they did not grow up around a lot of different types of people. Even people who are white like them but of a different culture - like someone of Swedish descent - is pointed out by my father. I really doubt it is racism as such because they have no problem with my inter-racial marriage or that of my older sister to a Brazilian who racially is very black. They have no problem with my children who are of eurasian blood or my neice who is South American Indian or my nephew who is Japanese by ethnicity. They themselves lived in Japan and immersed themselves in that culture for 39 years. So I think I will mention the church situation to them because they seem to need some time to wrap their brain around differences in people. Some of that is just that at their age they seem to need extra time to wrap their brains around anything "different" - even a change in schedule! As to other younger people, I agree with many of you that I think I won't mention anything and will just let them deal with it! Thank you for allowing me to "think aloud" about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I don't like surprises. I'd want to know. Some friends brought a girl out to ride once, she had problems they should have warned me about. I was a bit put out about the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca in VA Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think there are two kinds of "warnings." One is the gossipy kind, where you're letting someone know that another person is undesirable or scandalous in some way. Kind of junior-high-schoolish behavior. The other is a polite, matter-of-fact warning that you give so that the other person doesn't get caught off-guard and embarrass himself or anyone else. I think what you described definitely falls into the second category. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylaw Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think there are two kinds of "warnings." One is the gossipy kind, where you're letting someone know that another person is undesirable or scandalous in some way. Kind of junior-high-schoolish behavior. The other is a polite, matter-of-fact warning that you give so that the other person doesn't get caught off-guard and embarrass himself or anyone else. I think what you described definitely falls into the second category. Very well said! I found myself in a situation where a person we were working with had a severe handicap. I wished my husband would have said something before I went to shake his hand then bumbled like a fool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fivetails Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think there are two kinds of "warnings." One is the gossipy kind, where you're letting someone know that another person is undesirable or scandalous in some way. Kind of junior-high-schoolish behavior. The other is a polite, matter-of-fact warning that you give so that the other person doesn't get caught off-guard and embarrass himself or anyone else. I think what you described definitely falls into the second category. *agreed* Our son has multiple disabilities and I would never have a problem with someone "warning" someone else who was about to meet him, and have done so myself many times. It allows the new person to be prepared for a situation that is "unusual" - and that isn't a negative thing. Fact is, *most* people walking around out there do not have the issues that our son has - "warning" someone ahead of time is helpful for BOTH that person and our son. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Only if it's possible to do it in a way that doesn't seem as if I'm warning them. But then, how are you supposed to know when you should "warn" someone??:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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