Love of homeschooling gone

[seemesew]

This has been a rough year for me, possibly the roughest I've had in many years,  though it's not even homeschool related my love of homeschool is suffering because of it. I have 5 bio kids plus 2 extras ages 6,6,9,12,14,16,18.

My husband is a Bishop which is basically the same thing as a pastor.  We also started fostering and have 2 extra children which is super difficult in ways I couldn't even comprehend beforehand. They are physically,  emotionally,  and mentally draining me.

My 9th grader has autism and is very, very difficult.  I know he tries but isn't capable of stopping his mouth from being rude and impulsive but it's so hard on me! I broke today while trying to help him with how hos new science would work and his now going to be going to highschool.  I think it's probably good but I feel bad for the way it happened and how long he'll be gone. He's awkward and hates people so it will be hard on him but there are no other options here.

My oldest just graduated and that was the saddest and proudest day of my life as a mom so far. 

Yes I'm depressed and trying meds but in the meantime my younger kids are suffering from me barely being able to function. I'm not even sure how I would homeschool at this point.  But somehow I'm supposed to start in the next week or two. I'm not even sure what to do at this point. Just pray for me!

[keirin]

I'm sorry - hopefully, in a few weeks, once you figure out a routine with your 9th grader going to school, you will feel ready to tackle thinking about school for your others. In the meantime, I'd consider giving some independent activities for them (reading x minutes a day, playing prodigy for math, etc), if anything, and decide to start school when you are mentally ready.

I am praying for you.

[Quarter Note]

Seemesew - just want to tell you how much I feel for you.  In the last few years, I felt the same as you - it wasn't homeschooling itself, it was everything around homeschooling that dragged me down.  

No real advice for you, since I wasn't able to find a way to continue homeschooling with the way that life turned out.  Just know that I hope you can find ways to protect and heal your heart.  Please keep us all updated.  I will definitely be praying for you.

[Green Bean]

Praying for you. Being the wife of a Bishop is hard plus all the other challenges you are tackling.

[cintinative]

This just sounds so hard.

Is respite care for the two foster children for a couple weeks possible? That's a lot of appointments, getting them to school (I assume they are in public), plus just the brokenness they are dealing with because of their situation, etc.  

Is counseling possible for you?  Maybe the church would be willing to help with the cost?

You didn't mention this, but I am really hoping your husband knows just how overwhelmed you feel.  It's super easy for a pastor to get caught up in his flock's emotional and spiritual health and think everything is fine at home. If you haven't shared this, it's time to tell him.  My husband can be quite dense about how I am doing and I need to be very vocal about it.  

Really, what you are carrying is a lot. And some of us carrying far less have struggled with motivation at times. Try not to beat yourself up.  As Elizabeth Elliot said, "just do the next thing." 

[ieta_cassiopeia]

If you are in the process of trying meds, it may be worthwhile to delay the start of formal homeschool until 4-5 weeks after you start the meds. Until then, it's OK to focus on relationships and being a parent rather than also being a teacher. It can take that long for the full effect to kick in, and however you decide to handle this situation, it will be easier with the meds fully active. (The time lost can be regained by you and potentially some/all of your children being more prepared for the year ahead).

[seemesew]

22 hours ago, cintinative said:

This just sounds so hard.

Is respite care for the two foster children for a couple weeks possible? That's a lot of appointments, getting them to school (I assume they are in public), plus just the brokenness they are dealing with because of their situation, etc.  

Is counseling possible for you?  Maybe the church would be willing to help with the cost?

You didn't mention this, but I am really hoping your husband knows just how overwhelmed you feel.  It's super easy for a pastor to get caught up in his flock's emotional and spiritual health and think everything is fine at home. If you haven't shared this, it's time to tell him.  My husband can be quite dense about how I am doing and I need to be very vocal about it.  

Really, what you are carrying is a lot. And some of us carrying far less have struggled with motivation at times. Try not to beat yourself up.  As Elizabeth Elliot said, "just do the next thing." 

Thank you for this reply! Respite is really hard in this area as there are only a few families who foster and they are full.

My husband is very aware of my mental state and has been amazing at support! I am getting counseling 2x a month and that is so helpful! Just still need some time I guess.

Just you validating I'm carrying a lot is incredibly helpful ❤️ 

[seemesew]

21 hours ago, ieta_cassiopeia said:

If you are in the process of trying meds, it may be worthwhile to delay the start of formal homeschool until 4-5 weeks after you start the meds. Until then, it's OK to focus on relationships and being a parent rather than also being a teacher. It can take that long for the full effect to kick in, and however you decide to handle this situation, it will be easier with the meds fully active. (The time lost can be regained by you and potentially some/all of your children being more prepared for the year ahead).

This is very sound advice! I actually started them in the middle of June and so its given me some time to adjust. I may to get a stronger dose but I'm feeling like they have helped a ton already! Just need some new motivation.

 

I wanted to add that just having my ASD kiddo gone has already lifted a huge burden off my shoulders! I didn't realize how much of my mental and emotional energy was going towards him and his needs.

[stripe]

I am glad you are posting on here. Pls ask people in real life to help you. With cleaning, cooking, educational matters, and giving you a break. If you can find more ways to take the load off, it might help. I hope things continue to improve.

[prairiewindmomma]

I hit a similar point several years ago when Dh had a stake calling, was traveling nearly full time, and I was just exhausted by life. I was waking at 5 to do a 6 am seminary dropoff for oldest and then had this work box thing with schedule trying to be all things to all people. I came dang near a mental breakdown.

You can’t be all things to all people. It’s ok to have needs and have those be met. 
 

Sit and make a list of what is absolutely essential. It is not essential to homeschool your kids. It is not essential to foster. That’s hard to type, but it is true. It is not essential to do so very many things. 
 

I ended up putting my challenging child in school and it was so very, very good for all of us. He needed a team of people around him and I could finally just be mom. I needed to just be mom and be fully emotionally available to do the parenting. School did the schooling. He has absolutely thrived. 
 

Hugs! 

[seemesew]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I hit a similar point several years ago when Dh had a stake calling, was traveling nearly full time, and I was just exhausted by life. I was waking at 5 to do a 6 am seminary dropoff for oldest and then had this work box thing with schedule trying to be all things to all people. I came dang near a mental breakdown.

You can’t be all things to all people. It’s ok to have needs and have those be met. 
 

Sit and make a list of what is absolutely essential. It is not essential to homeschool your kids. It is not essential to foster. That’s hard to type, but it is true. It is not essential to do so very many things. 
 

I ended up putting my challenging child in school and it was so very, very good for all of us. He needed a team of people around him and I could finally just be mom. I needed to just be mom and be fully emotionally available to do the parenting. School did the schooling. He has absolutely thrived. 
 

Hugs! 

Wow, this was so helpful ❤️ Thank you! I do need to sit and make a list of priorities for sure. It's just so hard to say not to do something. I fully understand the 6am seminary drop off 😬 

 

21 hours ago, stripe said:

I am glad you are posting on here. Pls ask people in real life to help you. With cleaning, cooking, educational matters, and giving you a break. If you can find more ways to take the load off, it might help. I hope things continue to improve.

Thank you for this reminder! I do need to ask for help more, I really don't.

[prairiewindmomma]

Something that other posters may not be aware of: her Dh is serving as a lay pastor ON TOP OF holding a full time job. He is expected to be gone Sunday mornings, most Sunday afternoons and evenings, at least one weeknight, and often at Saturday activities. In addition to her own weeknight obligations, her high school aged kids will have a religious class every weekday morning, as well as their own weekly activities, and often things on Saturdays as well. It is so very, very, very much to take on. Add on kid activities and appointments outside of church and homeschooling and housekeeping obligations and it is easily pushing 80 hours a week of things to coordinate. 
 

Don’t list your priorities. List your essentials. Get a sense of that. Then add priorities. 

[cintinative]

On 8/16/2023 at 3:47 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

Something that other posters may not be aware of: her Dh is serving as a lay pastor ON TOP OF holding a full time job.

This really changes the picture for me. The OP said her husband is supportive but I wonder how much he is really available. Even just emotionally as he carries the cares of a job plus his flock.  

OP, gently I will tell you:

Remember if the ship is sinking, the solution is often to throw things overboard. Sometimes those things are valuable but you have to triage what is most important. 
 

I will also say this in case the op needs to hear it: You are important too. You are not a commodity to be spent and used up like a box of tissues. You are an image bearer and you have inherent value.  Choosing self care like drawing up boundaries and saying no sometimes is not selfishness. God can raise up others to fill gaps if needed. Hugs and prayers to you

[seemesew]

On 8/16/2023 at 1:47 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

Something that other posters may not be aware of: her Dh is serving as a lay pastor ON TOP OF holding a full time job. He is expected to be gone Sunday mornings, most Sunday afternoons and evenings, at least one weeknight, and often at Saturday activities. In addition to her own weeknight obligations, her high school aged kids will have a religious class every weekday morning, as well as their own weekly activities, and often things on Saturdays as well. It is so very, very, very much to take on. Add on kid activities and appointments outside of church and homeschooling and housekeeping obligations and it is easily pushing 80 hours a week of things to coordinate. 
 

Don’t list your priorities. List your essentials. Get a sense of that. Then add priorities. 

Wow, I hadn't really laid it all out like that and it IS a lot 😳 You are so on point for reminding me to stick to essentials. Thank you!

 

On 8/18/2023 at 3:35 PM, cintinative said:

This really changes the picture for me. The OP said her husband is supportive but I wonder how much he is really available. Even just emotionally as he carries the cares of a job plus his flock.  

OP, gently I will tell you:

Remember if the ship is sinking, the solution is often to throw things overboard. Sometimes those things are valuable but you have to triage what is most important. 
 

I will also say this in case the op needs to hear it: You are important too. You are not a commodity to be spent and used up like a box of tissues. You are an image bearer and you have inherent value.  Choosing self care like drawing up boundaries and saying no sometimes is not selfishness. God can raise up others to fill gaps if needed. Hugs and prayers to you

😭 Thank you, I really needed this ❤️

[seemesew]

I do want to add that having my ASD kiddo gone has greatly reduced my stress I love that boy but him answering to someone else is taking a huge burden off me. As a bonus my husband is more on top of this childs education since his teachers email him about things and he can check things via PowerSchool. So I don't even worry about grades because he's on top of that now.

As for the fostering...I'm really torn on this. It would be so easy to let go of the kids on one hand but they are becoming apart of our family and adoption is likely, so I feel like I need to take some serious thought but I also need to be in a better spot for that to happen.

We've made a few other changes that have truly helped me. One is I told my husband that I can't homeschool my youngest foster son, we were approved to do it but he is extremely difficult for me so I had a heart to heart with my husband and said I simply couldn't do it anymore. Having him gone for school the last week has given me a much needed break. I am starting to feel a bit better. Having all the kids here this summer was just a lot and having the typical foster child behavior on top of that was breaking me. But now that they are in school I feel like I am getting a break and starting to feel like some life is coming back.

My oldest at home (16) has dropped back on his work schedule and he is able to also do more of the driving now, especially the early morning seminary and sports for him and my asd kiddo since they play the same sport. That has also been a huge burden off my shoulders!

My husband is taking care oft  the public school drop offs and any communication that he can, which has been good because that stresses me out a ton! Thank you al for your kind words and for giving me the support I needed ❤️ I am hopeful things will smooth out but I am definitly going to save this to remind me of things to think about and change if I don't see a remarkable improvement in the next week or two. 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I am glad things are going better.

 I just wanted to give you a heads up that historically the 6th or so week of school has been a low point for us.  The newness of school has worn off, the grind is starting to hit, real assignments are starting to happen, and there are usually some behaviors that pop up.  If you are new to public school, plan a very low key week and weekend around that point if you can (freezer meals/takeout plans, therapy appointments or an evening out for me, etc.). Hopefully it won't pop up for you, but since you mentioned SN parenting and fostering specifically, I wanted to give you a heads up that it's a common enough phenomena that it's talked about in these circles. 

[seemesew]

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I am glad things are going better.

 I just wanted to give you a heads up that historically the 6th or so week of school has been a low point for us.  The newness of school has worn off, the grind is starting to hit, real assignments are starting to happen, and there are usually some behaviors that pop up.  If you are new to public school, plan a very low key week and weekend around that point if you can (freezer meals/takeout plans, therapy appointments or an evening out for me, etc.). Hopefully it won't pop up for you, but since you mentioned SN parenting and fostering specifically, I wanted to give you a heads up that it's a common enough phenomena that it's talked about in these circles. 

I hadn't thought about that! It makes sense though. I'm going to add that to my calendar now so I remember, lol!