Do students usually get cold feet before leaving for college?

[Janeway]

As we buy stuff and get ready to leave for college, son says he no longer wants to go right now. My husband is completely on board with this, although I am concerned when I ask my husband what the end game will be, he doesn't really have a plan.

So my question is, could this just be cold feet and I should encourage him to go anyway? Or is it more likely he needs more time to grow up and be ready to go?

[maize]

Since we are in the middle of a pandemic I wouldn't push any reluctant child to go to college right now.

If this is your son with ASD he may need extra support at whatever age he goes, more time alone might not make much difference.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Gently, this child has been sending up red flags about not being ready to go away to college for quite some time.  Make a plan for a "gap year" and keep him at home.  He can take local community college classes or get a job or volunteer.  Or do school online.  But he really does not seem ready to live away from home yet.

[Bristayl]

The above advice may be best, but isn't he already going to a college close to home? Would he have the option of taking his classes remotely from home? Do you know if he could keep his scholarships if he delayed?

[RootAnn]

Nervousness is normal, I think. Something more akin to refusal is not.

My anxious kid doesn't want to take any sort of risk that involves putting herself put there (including in person classes), but she will go through with it because she knows that is the right thing for her. 

I wish your family luck with navigating the situation. (Good things to talk about/consider posted in the above replies.)

[Lanny]

@JanewayWhen I first read the OP I thought to myself "oh no" and I wondered what, if anything, I could contribute to the thread. IMO your DH is not helping with this issue...

Also, I believe that you had written in another thread that if your DS knew how to drive, he could commute from your house to Austin College. From that I assume that you live in Richardson or Plano or somewhere in Far North Dallas or in Collin County. I am assuming it would be a 45 to 60 minute drive, depending on traffic.  He is really not going to get much closer to home than that.

If your DS didn't have ASD, I would suggest that he join the Air Force Reserve or the Marine Corps Reserve or some other Reserve branch, if he doesn't want to go to school now, but I don't think that's an option for your DS because of the ASD and other issues.

Sherman is from my memory from the years I lived there, a small city, without mass transit, but it has two hospitals and most anything he might need and as you know it is close to Big D and everything that's available there. He could do much worse than to be in Sherman TX at Austin College.

One fear I have about gap years, in general, is that it is normal for people to forget material they haven't used recently. And I wonder what your DS would do, because with the Covid-19 issues it might be much harder for him to get a job than it would have been in a "normal" year.   More so, I wonder if he would "deteriorate" (that isn't the word I am looking for) if he is at home with your family for another school year.

His options are limited and if he begins at Austin College when the semester begins and he panics, you can get there quickly, to help him there or to bring him home.

I wish him much good luck.  

[SanDiegoMom]

It is tricky as a parent to discern what is normal fear and reluctance vs actually NOT being ready. Especially during a pandemic.

My daughter was thrilled to leave, but cried when we dropped her off, and then every break after that we almost had to fight to get her back on the plane to college.  She has had a HARD road at college. Not ASD but ADHD and needing a lot more support than any of us thought.  I was basically her counselor throughout -- she called me every day, sometimes three times a day.  

If she had been close it would have been a lot different --  we could have provided better emotional support.  If you are close then it might just be the normal fear of the unknown and you could provide help and support.   But if it's farther away it might be a lot tougher.

With my younger kid with anxiety, I already know it will be tough to push him out into the world.  He does not do well with change and it scares him. 

Of course, nothing will be normal this year so what he might be going to might not be good emotionally anyway -- my daughter is going back to UCLA but she's got friends and they have an apartment.  If she were a freshman I would be much more hesitant.  They have put all the freshman with housing into single rooms, the dining halls and libraries and gym are closed -- it would be very isolating for a new freshman living away from home.  I would in that case not choose.

Good luck.  There are no easy choices.

[katilac]

My kids both left for college in a cloud of cartoon dust, it's a little insulting 😄

I think it's common to be nervous, but not common to say you don't want to go. He's telling you he's not ready. There doesn't need to be an endgame plan right now, just take it as it comes.