If you have ever gone to counseling. . .

[momtoboys]

How long did you need to go until everything was okay, and you felt good about things? Just curious.

[G5052]

It depends on what issues you want addressed, what issues the therapist wants to address, how skilled the therapist is, and most importantly, how willing the client is to change and/or take the steps needed.

 

If you aren't happy with who you go to after a session or two, don't hestitate to go to someone else. Last year I went to one to help me with DH's disability/PTSD issues, and she helped me immensely in only four sessions. She truly changed my life, and I wouldn't hestitate to go back to her if I needed more help. Several years before I saw another one on the same issues for about the same number of sessions, but she didn't give as much concrete advice as the second one.

Edited November 24, 2008 by GVA

[happyWImom]

We've been to various one's for various reasons. We had big issue's at one point because of dh's kids from a previous marriage, as well as his ex-wife. That counselor was great, because he gave us great tips and coping strategies, and he was good about telling us to come back when we felt we needed it. We took dd to one when she was real little, because she had issues stemming from medical procedures, and needed more procedures done, and the counselor really helped with that also.

 

We have gone to 2 different therapists for marriage issues, one was nice, but didn't really help a whole lot. The other one was excellent and did. For that type of thing, it tends to include many sessions (once a week for a while) in the beginning, and then taper off until it's a go when you need to type thing.

[Carol in Cal.]

This was back in 1991 or so.

 

I loved her so much, and she had had cancer for about a year before she died.

 

I was so upset when she passed, and then I started to feel better. But then I felt worse again than before--it was horrible, and I thought that there was something wrong with me. So I joined a grief group at church and sat and cried through a meeting or two. It was so weird. Others had lost their spouses and were in better shape than I was. So I decided that I should take my stupid, unacceptable misery to a private counsellor and I did.

 

She was magical. I described it all to her in one or two sessions, and I felt so much better. I think I just needed to get it all out of my system.

 

Later I learned that 'waves of grief' are normal.

[Highereducation]

We went to counseling to try to combat our in-law problem. Ultimately we decided to sever ties with dh's parents, so the counseling issue was moot.

 

However, that being said, I didn't like the counselor from the get-go. He was recommended by a priest from the parish we were a part of at the time, and I got very strange vibes from him. I nearly blew my stack when he met with dh privately and told dh that in his opinion, I was a drama queen (I had recently gotten through 5 months of bed rest during my pregnancy, a C-section, and was dealing with a heart problem and pancreatitis. Drama queen, really?). Then he told me that he had read a book investigating the mind-body connection, and when I asked him for the name of it, he told me it would be beyond my comprehension. Nice guy. Needless to say, we didn't see him for long.

 

I found out later that he was a former priest who had left the priesthood to marry and have children. Something tells me he could have benefited from counseling himself, because it doesn't seem like he ever came to grips with his own issues.

 

My point is to please check out any therapist/counselor carefully before getting involved, and if your instincts tell you the therapy isn't helping, it probably isn't and it may be time to find someone else.

[Rosie_0801]

It depends on what issues you want addressed, what issues the therapist wants to address, how skilled the therapist is, and most importantly, how willing the client is to change and/or take the steps needed.

If you aren't happy with who you go to after a session or two, don't hestitate to go to someone else.

 

Absolutely. We went to counselling for 8 months. The first, preliminary session, was spent with the woman going on about Freud and me bawling my eyes out for an hour. Fortunately we were then shunted off to a specialist in the area we had issues with and she turned out to be fantastic. No talk of Freud! We got to the point where she was suggesting we possibly weren't meant to be together (after quite a few months.) We both stared at her; dh thinking "oh crap" and me thinking "oh, what the h*** would you know!" We all had a giggle over it the next week and evidently picked things up.

The ability to deal with issues is part of a developmental process. You may find you are only able to deal with some stuff in round one of counselling, and need a few months or years break before going back for more. That's ok.

:)

Rosie

[Danestress]

When DS was a teenager and was unhappy and causing a lot of misery in our family, we went to counseling - DS alone and DH and I together. DS met with the counselor probably 6 time. I am not really sure how much it helped, but things did get continuously better from that time.

 

The tensions in our marriage were so significantly helped by counseling I can't even tell you what a difference it made. I think we only met with this guy twice, and it just had a serious impact on how DH and I saw our problems. It really really helped, just in getting a practical grip on things.

[momtoboys]

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I have gone to talk to someone several times so far. I think it is a good fit for me.

 

I feel discouraged because there seems to be so much to discuss, and I feel like I should be moving faster and making more progress than I am. I get discouraged and frustrated w/ myself.

 

The issues are very complicated over many years, not easy simply things at all. They involve dysfunctionality and abuse, and I have a lot of messed up relationships as a result.

 

I guess I went into the process w/ the thought that I would go talk to someone a few times and feel totally normal and good after that. I had no idea it would be such a lengthy process. I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

[Tree House Academy]

Counseling has helped me in the past. The key, for me, is to want to help myself. When I go and I actually do everything they say - read the books they suggest, and truly start thinking with an "I want to change this" attitude, it helps tremendously. The hard part is not falling back into old patterns when you stop going to counseling.

 

Also, Rome wasn't built in a day. It took you 20-30 years to develop all of these feelings...it will take plenty of time to sort them out. I recently did a year of counseling where I came out about 60% improved. I thought that was HUGE!

[shell in SC]

momtoboys. . .here's one way to look at it. . .you said that it's very complicated and spans many years, so it's gonna take some time to get through all.those.years. of stuff. That stuff that's been building up for years and years is going to take some time to get through, you've got to work through the stuff on the outside to get into the stuff on the inside (does that make sense).

 

Diamonds take years and years of yukky carbon buildup to get to the point of being the most beautiful, strongest stone on the earth. We're kinda the same way. We take years and years and years of abuse/disfunction and it builds up over time. Once we realize that we need to break through those layers and we get some help, it can't just happen overnight. It takes time to polish, shine and cut that diamond to make it look it's best, and that's the same way as us too.

 

I know that it's frustrating. . .once you decide you want an improvement, it doesn't happen overnight, but in the long run it'll be worth it.

Just hang in there for a while longer!

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I have gone to talk to someone several times so far. I think it is a good fit for me.

 

I feel discouraged because there seems to be so much to discuss, and I feel like I should be moving faster and making more progress than I am. I get discouraged and frustrated w/ myself.

 

The issues are very complicated over many years, not easy simply things at all. They involve dysfunctionality and abuse, and I have a lot of messed up relationships as a result.

 

I guess I went into the process w/ the thought that I would go talk to someone a few times and feel totally normal and good after that. I had no idea it would be such a lengthy process. I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

 

You are not stupid. This is normal. It'll be shaky for a while, but it will get better.

 

At various times in my adult life, I have found it helpful to make a written list of people and issues. I would journal about the truths that I learned, and also write down specific decisions for how I would relate to that person in future.

 

For example, my grandmother is both a very difficult person in my life, but also someone who I love dearly. Years ago I had to face the truths of both her weakness at times when she should have been strong, but also the ways in which she sacrificed a great deal for my sake. The other truth I had to face about her is that she is both badly emotionally damaged, and that she has dementia and therefore no ability to grow beyond her woundedness. I made "rules" for how I would relate to her in future: I chose to stop holding her responsible for learning to be stronger, and I decided to take her to lunch once a month, and talk to her by phone at least one other time per month.

 

I found it helpful to keep track of the truths about different difficult people or issues. Sometimes my choices for how to relate to that person or issue were clear--other times, I had to live with those truths for a little while before I could figure out what to do (or choose NOT to do).

 

Another suggestion is for you to journal after each therapy appointment, just briefly recapping what you talked about. Looking back on those notes will help you see patterns over time, and it will also encourage you in your progress.

 

I'm sorry it's so hard. Keep walking forward--the truth will set you free.

 

:grouphug:

[joannqn]

I've been to four different counselors for various lengths of time and none of them helped that much. One of them was ok but then moved her office about 40 minutes away to be closer to her home.

 

I have a history of childhood abuse, alcoholism and drug use by my parents, and a few other things. I quit going to counseling and now attend a 12 step group weekend instead. That has helped me TREMENDOUSLY and I continue to go now because it continues to help but also because I have wonderful friends there that I look forward to spending time with. Perhaps something like that would be helpful.

 

The group I go to is ACA which stands for Adult Children Anonymous. They started out as ACOA, or Adult Children of Alcoholics, but they changed the name to be more accepting to all dysfunctional family backgrounds since everyone seem to share the same characteristics. Perhaps there's a group or two you can try out near you. It is usually suggested that you try 6 meetings before deciding whether the group will work for you or not. PM me if you want more information or have any questions.

[G5052]

I guess I went into the process w/ the thought that I would go talk to someone a few times and feel totally normal and good after that. I had no idea it would be such a lengthy process. I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

 

The second counsellor I saw gave me "homework" every time, and I could see how that advanced things faster than with the previous one where we just talked. Sometimes she even had me write down my feelings about certain issues and then bring them to discuss. DH saw her as well, twice a week for three months and then weekly for another month. She had him bring a notebook and actually directed him to take notes at times, which I found interesting. She also gave him things to write about and discuss with her later.

 

So yes, it could take awhile, but it could be that yours is more of a "listen and help them work it out themselves" type versus ours who was definitively very oriented toward giving us specific direction. You might think about what style suits your situation.

Edited November 24, 2008 by GVA

[laughing lioness]

I went counseling for 2 yrs way back when we were both in grad school, were both working full time and had kids. I was able to really work through some family of origin stuff. It was hard and difficult but so was my childhood and I was able to break free from some strongholds in my life.

After that, my dh and I both saw a therapist to work on some of our issues as a couple.

I have been invovled in a couple of other counseling type situations since. I am going to be invovled in a "cleansing streams" group this spring.

[sunshine]

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I have gone to talk to someone several times so far. I think it is a good fit for me.

 

I feel discouraged because there seems to be so much to discuss, and I feel like I should be moving faster and making more progress than I am. I get discouraged and frustrated w/ myself.

 

The issues are very complicated over many years, not easy simply things at all. They involve dysfunctionality and abuse, and I have a lot of messed up relationships as a result.

 

I guess I went into the process w/ the thought that I would go talk to someone a few times and feel totally normal and good after that. I had no idea it would be such a lengthy process. I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

 

:grouphug:Hug you!

[sweetfeet]

I think it's normal, especially if it isn't situational.

 

I've been seeing a psychiatrist regularly for more than 3 years. I have a lot of issues.:lol: But yes it takes time to undo and relearn how to think, cope, live. I felt discouraged after a year. I had no idea I would need to see someone for so long. Now I can see I still have a way to go. He does suggest books to read and gives homework which I feel really helps. I feel like I'm doing something in between sessions.

[happyWImom]

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I have gone to talk to someone several times so far. I think it is a good fit for me.

 

I feel discouraged because there seems to be so much to discuss, and I feel like I should be moving faster and making more progress than I am. I get discouraged and frustrated w/ myself.

 

The issues are very complicated over many years, not easy simply things at all. They involve dysfunctionality and abuse, and I have a lot of messed up relationships as a result.

 

I guess I went into the process w/ the thought that I would go talk to someone a few times and feel totally normal and good after that. I had no idea it would be such a lengthy process. I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

 

Actually, when dh & I were going for marriage issues, it brought up a bunch of stuff and seemed to make me feel worse about everything in the beginning. Our counselor said this was all normal. Don't worry.:001_smile: It's good that you are getting the help that you feel you need. A very positive step! Don't give up.:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

I kind of want to know if I'm just incredibly stupid, or if it's normal. . .

 

Completely normal. Imagine your issues as a great big mess of wool and embroidery thread, rather like what your sewing box would look like after half an hour with a toddler. You can untangle it, but you can't just work on one thread at a time, you have to work on each one, bit by bit. That's why it feels like you are getting nowhere, even though you've been at it for ages. Moral to the story? Keep your sewing box out of reach of toddlers, and keep your issues out of reach of anyone who is going to tangle them instead of being willing to help wind up some of those loose ends.

 

Rosie

[Harriet Vane]

Completely normal. Imagine your issues as a great big mess of wool and embroidery thread, rather like what your sewing box would look like after half an hour with a toddler. You can untangle it, but you can't just work on one thread at a time, you have to work on each one, bit by bit. That's why it feels like you are getting nowhere, even though you've been at it for ages. Moral to the story? Keep your sewing box out of reach of toddlers, and keep your issues out of reach of anyone who is going to tangle them instead of being willing to help wind up some of those loose ends.

 

Rosie

 

Ooooohh . . . very well said. Nice analogy.

[shell in SC]

Actually, when dh & I were going for marriage issues, it brought up a bunch of stuff and seemed to make me feel worse about everything in the beginning. Our counselor said this was all normal. Don't worry.:001_smile: It's good that you are getting the help that you feel you need. A very positive step! Don't give up.:grouphug:

 

Yeah, we did marriage counseling and DH almost stopped b/c it made us (especially me) feel worse before we started getting better!