skimomma Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Please don't quote. I will likely delete later. My mother lives an entire day's drive from me, has no family close to her, and has been diagnosed with dementia. She still lives independently. She does not want to move to my location. I am currently helping her to apply for low income independent senior housing in her area as she can no longer afford to live in her current place. Her dementia is still mild enough that we think she will be OK in a senior apartment where some meals, some transportation, and some community activities are included. At least for awhile. If she lived close to me where I could help her regularly, I'd say she is 100% fine to live on her own yet. Given the distance, assisted living is probably more appropriate, but she is adamant that this is not an option for her at this time. I have agreed to help her get the living situation she wants with the condition that she give up driving and accept help managing her finances. I do have durable POA. Anyone have experience taking over finances for someone in this situation? She does not have much retirement left (which is why we have to move her) so it is important that her remaining resources are tended to carefully. I very recently learned that she has had a lot of trouble keeping track of her affairs and this has resulted in lots of bounced checks, missed payments, late fees, interest, creditors, etc.... I am also concerned about her risk of fraud. She has been taken advantage of a few times now and I don't think unlimited access to lots of cash is smart. Even her cable package is three times as much as it should be because she does not advocate for herself.....or even realize she is being taken. Ideally, she would still have access to spending cash and a low limit CC, but I feel that I need to take over her bills and routine banking. What does this look like? Do I call each account and explain? What is likely to happen next? How lengthy is a process like this? Anyone know if there is such a thing as a bank account for an elderly person with some of her cash in an account accessible to her while the rest is not without a second sign off or something? What about things like her SSI, medicare, and taxes? This has been on my to do list for a long time and the unknown has been paralyzing me. The few calls I have already attempted to try to get info about her car insurance and cable, for instance, have not gone well. The directions for submitting a POA are arduous and confusing, the people suspicious, etc..... Is there some basic "right way to do this" that I am missing? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Skimomma (big hugs)!!!! I can't help with doing this from afar, but I just moved my dad to a senior apartment (not assisted living) in December after having been in his own single family home for 50+ years. It is just me here to help him, but he now lives 10 minutes from me -- he used to live 30+ minutes depending on rush hour in our area. He is actually doing really well and enjoys having people around and the community events to go to. He was getting lonely in his place. The people there look out for each other. He has his car over there (he feels trapped without it), but he knows he can't drive again. If it becomes problem, I will take his keys. My dad is having lots of short term memory problems and is now having trouble remembering financial stuff, is writing checks without logging the check in the register, is writing checks for the wrong amounts. For now, I am able to go over and check his bills when they come in, etc., write his checks, and have him sign them. He has let me do that willingly. I have POA too, but I'm not sure if we have to have them declared unfit or anything. I hope it doesn't work that way, but you may want to check. It has been hard for me to do things (change his address, getting a new ID, etc) without having him with me or being able to talk to people on the phone first to give me permission. Very stressful!!! Anyway, I'm not much help, but wanted to let you know someone else is going through this and knows it's hard. And...that there is hopefully a lot of positive with this change for your mom. He thought he would miss his bigger house and his stuff, but he likes not having to worry about maintenance, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpie Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 We are dealing with similar with my mom. Currently, I have a sibling that lives close to her and that sibling is on her accounts. My mom's short term memory is gone and it became very apparent making change, knowing what bills were what, and writing checks were no longer a skill she could do, so my sibling went to the bank with my mom and was put on all the accounts with her. I'm not sure what the best route of action is since you live so far away. I'm guessing you would need to call the financial institution and then have your mom give permission for you to be added. It gets sticky because often the dementia person still wants to purchase/pay for things but has no clue what they are doing. I don't have much wisdom but know you aren't alone in dealing with this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Thanks! I should have mentioned that I am already on her bank accounts. We did that when I was last visiting her. And she gave me copies of all of her statements so I at least know what bills there are, accounts numbers, and such. So I am not starting from scratch, at least. Most of it could just be converted to online billing which I would just need to oversee, but even getting that to happen is a struggle because that requires my mom to contact each place to set it up. She gets too flustered and never follows through, even if I can get her to agree to it. So, I think I will have to go the POA route. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 So...my dad gave me full access to all his accounts (meaning user names and passwords), although I am not on his accounts. I pay what I can on-line and set up all his new payees when he moved. I also check every few days to make sure he didn't do something crazy. Do you have access to her email to be able to set up her current to be on-line bill paying with out her calling? You can set up her current accounts for her and just keep track that way, bank statements, etc. My dad had a few accounts he wasn't really using or had little money in them, so we consolidated to 2 main checking accounts (would have done 1, but it's a pain to change direct deposit stuff) to make things easier to keep track of. I get it though...my dad would have been a mess setting up all his new accounts (cable, etc) and cancelling the old stuff. I had to be there with him to make the calls and we still have a few more to do. It would all be done by now if I could do it from my home without needing his input. He would gladly not have to deal with it. Can you call the banks and have them mail her something to sign to set up the on-line accounts so she doesn't have to talk to them, but they can obtain her signature and she send back? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Money is another problem with my FIL. He wants to keep $1000 in his wallet and then he flashes it in the store which puts them both in danger. It is very difficult. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It's very difficult. I've been through it with multiple family members. Several quick thoughts: If you haven't already, find yourself an elderlaw attorney where your mom lives. Many will do a free, 30-minute phone conversations. You want to get a sense of who they are how you need to prepare here. You are going to need to make sure that she is protected legally as well as financially. Durable power of attorney has limitations that you need to understand. Many facilities will not allow the individuals to manage their own finances. So that decision may be made for you. In retrospect from what I've experienced, you may have to push for this anyway even if they don't. One of mine seemed perfectly fine with their finances, but then wrote checks literally to anyone who asked. That went on for longer than we knew. Another relative is ill and admits that they rarely look at bank statements. I don't know that fraud is going on, but it's a significant possibility. They are another one that likes to flash cash and talk about how much they are worth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 My dad (who died of Alzheimer's complications) put everything on autopsy and direct deposit a couple years before he went doenhill. This was great. I have limited POA & so does my sister for my mom's stuff. She's local & on my mom's accounts, but I do most of the financial stuff. When necessary, my mom will take a phone call where she will ok me talking to a business on her behalf and then they will talk to me. I've been successful in having them send paperwork to make changes (to my mom's address) and then I can fill it out & she signs it and returns it. (This usually happens when I go see her.) It is all a pain and you've gotten some good advice. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 6 hours ago, RootAnn said: My dad (who died of Alzheimer's complications) put everything on autopsy and direct deposit I didn't even know this was an option 😂 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 7 hours ago, RootAnn said: My dad (who died of Alzheimer's complications) put everything on autopsy He was sure thinking ahead! I always read these because I'm a 3 day drive from my parents with no siblings closer, and a strong history of dementia. I've watched the whole situation play out with a friend nearby and it can be so, so complicated. 😕 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 2 hours ago, katilac said: I didn't even know this was an option 😂 Sigh. He did always plan ahead . . . Even for my clumsy fingers & autocorrect! I wouldn't suggest pretending to be your mom on phone calls even if friends and relatives frequently confuse your two voices on the phone. But, if you have all her & your dad's SS# & DOBs memorized, it can be done. Just don't ask me how I know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 If you could get a bank account with only you as the signer, and the account reads as Mom XXXXX c/o your name, that would be a big help. You can have ss or other income going directly into the account. You might need to go visit and literally go through the bills and get them put on auto withdrawal, but that would make life easier. The hard part would be getting cash to her regularly. Would she be okay with a prepaid charge card or bank card for a separate account that you could transfer money into regularly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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