Ginevra Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 This is just horribly sad news and I don’t know how kids can process something like this. My great nephew’s bio mom died. I don’t know exactly all the issues and wouldn’t be talking about them in any case, but definitely some substance abuse/addiction and legal barring of her from him. His step mom has been raising him just as if he were her bio child, but he still knew and remembered his Mommy. He has a half sister who is a teenager and communicates with her and the grandma. I just don’t know how this dear boy can process this tragedy. It’s his mom! But also, she hasn’t been a mother to him for several years now. But it’s still his mommy! Oh my gosh. I am just beside myself. This poor, dear boy. The havoc that addiction wreaks. I cannot imagine his mixed feelings. He is barely double-digit aged. It’s just a terribly sad situation all around. ? 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 That is so sad. Poor guy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 My heart breaks. I am so sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, Quill said: This is just horribly sad news and I don’t know how kids can process something like this. My great nephew’s bio mom died. I don’t know exactly all the issues and wouldn’t be talking about them in any case, but definitely some substance abuse/addiction and legal barring of her from him. His step mom has been raising him just as if he were her bio child, but he still knew and remembered his Mommy. He has a half sister who is a teenager and communicates with her and the grandma. I just don’t know how this dear boy can process this tragedy. It’s his mom! But also, she hasn’t been a mother to him for several years now. But it’s still his mommy! Oh my gosh. I am just beside myself. This poor, dear boy. The havoc that addiction wreaks. I cannot imagine his mixed feelings. He is barely double-digit aged. It’s just a terribly sad situation all around. ? My father, whom I adored, died a month after I turned 12. (if I'd had a choice in which parent died, it wouldn't have been him.) I have a dear friend who is step-mom and raised her dss since he was six? eight? - he is now an adult. he calls her mom, and has nothing to do with his bio-mom. bio-mom is very messed up, and dad had full custody. they allowed contact (which was very scant), he knows from his own experience he wants nothing to do with his bio-mom, going back to when he was a child. (incidentally - I knew bio-mom when she and dad were still married, and when son was born. she was messed up then.) you said the step-mom has been raising him, and the bio-mom is legally barred from contact. I'm concerned you are fixating on how YOU would feel in this little boy's shoes, and that you keep referring to bio-mom as "mommy" - when she hasn't been acting like a "mommy" - without knowing how he actually feels. the reality might surprise you. Edited October 26, 2018 by gardenmom5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Mine all had bio parents pass away. If child wants, I would suggest they allow him to attend a visitation, funeral or even private viewing. It can really help with closure....but again only if he wants. Some kids do, some don't. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Quote said the step-mom has been raising him, and the bio-mom is legally barred from contact. I'm concerned you are fixating on how YOU would feel in this little boy's shoes, and that you keep referring to bio-mom as "mommy" - when she hasn't been acting like a "mommy" - without knowing how he actually feels. the reality might surprise you. He called her “mommy.” That’s why I’m saying it. He has a term of endearment for the mother who is acting as the mother to him and has been for a bit more than half his life. But his name for the bio mom who died is “mommy.” I don’t know what he would feel, but I am guessing there are quite a bit of confused feelings. I can’t relate to what that situation must be like. But it sounds like a hard thing for a kid to process. She’s his mommy, but he also has to acknowledge that she was incapable of being what a mommy should be. And I’m sure he loves his step mom. But it all must feel pretty mixed up, too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 14 minutes ago, Ottakee said: Mine all had bio parents pass away. If child wants, I would suggest they allow him to attend a visitation, funeral or even private viewing. It can really help with closure....but again only if he wants. Some kids do, some don't. That is the plan; travel will be involved. How do you help a kid sort through this? I already think it’s got to be hard to deal with having a parent who was not in a place of being able to raise you. And then they die, because they can’t even ensure their own safety. I just think it must be a lot for a young guy to sort out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Poor little guy. ? I hope his family helps him work through his loss and his feelings. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 I started to write out a long reply, then realized it was too much of my child's personal information to put on the internet. Will PM you if you want more details, but basically we've been in the same situation. I agree with the previous poster not to assume any certain feelings on behalf of the child. How he processes it is highly dependent on the individual. When there is such significant neglect or abuse involved that she was barred from contact he may have significant attachment issues. He may refer to her as "Mommy" in the abstract but have very few memories of her. He may assume memories from his stepmother or other caregivers are memories of her. As for helping him through, whatever your personal feelings on addiction and whether it is a disease or a choice, for the sake of the child treat it as if you believe it's a disease. He needs to know she was ill, it will do him no good to assume she chose substance abuse over him. He can process feelings about that when he is older, but for now, she was sick and you're so sorry she was so sick and couldn't care for him, but you're so glad he has a family who can care for him. And even then, don't bring it up unless he does. Just say you're sorry for his loss and leave it at that. And please discourage anyone in either of the siblings' lives who has their own experience with losing someone to substance abuse from telling them they know how they feel. No, they don't. As he gets older it will be helpful for him to know he may be more susceptible to addiction himself. Especially if it started as something like alcoholism. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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