Been wondering about this...

[BMW]

So, you've heard about my stepsons and I respect their loss (of their mother who died of cancer) and I have really worked on being nurturing. We've talked about one son, who has ld, adhd and who I homeschool. He is doing great!!

We've talked about another son, who is healthy in mind and body. Yes, we are still in counseling. It's been 1yr.8mo. since mom's death. I have heard and I respect opinions on holding him and hugging him when he misbehaves. He gets occasional time outs and I've worked on principles of nurturing - praising the good, giving attention, very little reaction for bad behavior. So, here's what has come up... I am wondering what the panel would say for this new situation... will I hear "give him another hug" or "don't let him out of arms reach"??

 

All 4 of my boys go to Awana. In the future, unless I really must specify if my child is bio or step, I won't be referring to them that way... bottom line is, they are my sons... all of them. I teach girls Awana while the boys enjoy Awana. I have seen the men leaders not pay attention to the boys and have seen one son hitting and kicking at another son. I approached the leader, smiled and said, "You know, these brothers are having a hard time keeping their hands and feet to themselves... I think they should separate and maybe you can keep an eye out for this..." Girls are on one side, boys on the other side of the room.

 

Well, last night I spoke to the boys about keeping hands and feet to themselves and not running unless it's game time for a game. I had to correct one son near the beginning of the evening. He'd had a great day. No problems. No attitudes. During game time, I glanced over and he doubled up his fists and hit a boy next to him in his head - 3 times! These were not taps, they were hits. Then he put the boy in a head lock. So, I left the girls, walked over to the man leader, who was standing with his back to the boys, and I said, 'That boy over there just hit that boy 3 times in the head with his fists and has him in a head lock." And my son let go of the boy at this time, turned to the next boy, doubled up his fists and hit the next boy in the head! Then I said, "I think you need to take care of that boy." And I went back to the girls and noticed my son, who did the hitting and all, get a 10 minute time out. During that time a leader spoke with him for a few minutes, then another kids joined him and they goofed off for the rest of his time out... grrr.

 

This is my son. I asked the leaders what they want me to do if I notice him misbehave and they said that their leaders would take care of it. I feel like I needed to step up, since my son was very inappropriate and the leader wasn't watching the line of boys. I have let the leadership know what has happened and I told them that I am a mom first, a leader 2nd.

 

I have been "tomato staking" this boy at home and he goes to Sunday School and Awana and sometimes to the kids club at the athletic club. I am considering not letting him go off to any classes for a couple weeks - he'll have to just stay by my side.

 

Am I overreacting? If my son did this to your son, what would you want me to do? If you saw your son do this, what would you do?

 

Thanks, really, I mean it...

 

Bee

[newlifemom]

Well, if it is any consolation I have been staking a lot myself and am wondering if I need to do it while I teach a co-op class. I am still puzzling over this. I am getting paid so I really can't just not teach for a week or two. Could you?

 

You know about 2 years ago I really felt 'led' to step down from everything I was doing. My kids had to come before all that. I wish I would have spent time then concentrating on staking then.

 

I wish you well in your endeavors and am glad to hear that they are all your boys. :001_smile:

[Ottakee]

My first thought is...........can dad help out here? Boys and fighting sounds like something dad needs to help work on.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Bless you, Bee, for being such a good, considerate mom to these children!!

 

If I were the mom of the boy who was hit, I would be irate at the leadership's cavallier attitude. If the leaders are not able to take care of it, I would insist that the boy who is doing the hitting either not be in the group or have an adult assigned to him to help him behave - probably meaning a parent.

 

Right now, dd is taking a rock climbing class. There is one teacher and 7 children (poor ratio in my opinion since I taught this class myself and know that you can't keep kids in line AND belay a climber safely.) One boy will not sit still, goes places that can be dangerous, and can't keep his hands to himself and keeps touching other kids. I did instruct my daughter to stick up for herself (loudly if necessary) if this boy continues to bother her. I told the instructor that this boy needed an adult to supervise him since he was showing an inability to control himself and it was creating a safety issue. I told him that under no circumstances would I tolerate this behavior and that we would not be the ones kicked out of class. I suggested that he tell this boy's parents that the boy may remain in class if he has a parent to keep him under control. That is what happened. If it hadn't, I would have contacted the management about this. (and this was mild.)

 

If my son had this behavior problem, I would not allow him to be in class unsupervised. If I could not supervise him directly, or could not arrange for an adult to be his "impulse controller", he would not go to class.

[coffeegal]

Is there a time frame for misbehavior at classes? Awana is usually in the evenings and children are more likely to misbehave when they're tired. I know I'm not at my best in the evenings! :D Since he had a great day, could his behavior be simply because he was tuckered out from the day and lost what remained of his control? If so, my recommendation would be to avoid taking him outside the home in the evenings until his stamina has built up.

 

Best of luck!

[Tabrett]

If it were my son, I would have yanked him up and taken him out and gave him a spanking!! Then he would have been with me in the girls class the rest of the day. I don't expect somebody else to take care of my kids if I am present. Obviously, your son knows you won't do anything if he is in the care of somebody else. He's taking advantage of you! It is your responsibility not his leaders. You are the parent not the leaders. Don't expect the leaders to act like parents. Honestly, I surprised you got onto the leaders for your child's behavior. I would have been apologizing for my child behavior as I was removing him.

If your not the spanking type, I would have still yanked him up, in front of everybody and kept him with me the rest of the day. It might have embarrassed him enough to not do it again.

 

I really don't understand why you think it is someones else's responsibility to take care of your son? Especially when you are present?

 

I'm sorry if it is the son whose mother died. He needs to know you care, care enough to discipline him. Comfort him when he is sad, but don't stop disciplining him or he will just keep taking advantage. He needs discipline not hugs when he misbehaves.

[klmama]

It's been my experience that many men don't think twice about a boy hitting another over the head unless malicious intent is obvious. What I mean is, was the boy "playing" or actually trying to harm the other one? In the male mind, this often makes a difference, regardless of the force involved. FWIW, it seems more common with boys who have brothers. I've seen some boys at Awana act the way you describe, and I've been appalled. I even wondered if they would turn out to be delinquents. Yet, they've turned out to be fine young men with sincere faith, good manners, and real friends. They were just extra forceful when they were younger.

 

If you feel this is a battle you have to fight, could your dh do some tomato staking the next Awana night? Either have dh come and supervise ds, or else have ds stay home with dh and work on his Awana verses with him. Either way, the boy gets the message that his dad cares about how he behaves.

[BMW]

Tabrett,

Given this boys previous tendencies to stir up trouble, I had already asked the men leadership how they would want me to handle seeing my son act up. I told them it was not okay with me - did they want me to stop with the girls group and take care of my son (like I had started doing), or do they want me to not get involved... It's like this, if I dropped him off for Awana, I wouldn't have been there and seen him behave this way... but, I was there and they wanted me to focus on my part of leading the girls and let them take care of the boys. But, when I noticed the male leader with his back to the line of boys and no one was seeing what my son was doing, I got involved.

 

Nope, don't expect anyone else to fix my son... I was trying to honor the leadership that was present. As it stands, I've emailed them, sharing my pov about this situation and let them know that I am a mom first, a girls leader 2nd... Now I won't just expect them to work it out... I will have my eye on him and he will sit right by my side, if need be, or I wont be able to continue serving the club.

 

I agree, he takes advantage of any opportunity to break rules/test rules, etc.

 

Thanks, really!!

[Tabrett]

BMW,

If that were the case, I think I would have still yanked my son up and had him stay with me. Then the leaders would see that they are not doing their job the way they said they would! Maybe that would get the leaders on their toes.:D

 

 

Nope, don't expect anyone else to fix my son... I was trying to honor the leadership that was present. As it stands, I've emailed them, sharing my pov about this situation and let them know that I am a mom first, a girls leader 2nd... Now I won't just expect them to work it out... I will have my eye on him and he will sit right by my side, if need be, or I wont be able to continue serving the club.

 

Thanks, really!!

I think you have the best plan! You're a GREAT MOM!!!! You go GIRL!!!!

[Quad Shot Academy]

My son was being picked on by an older boy during the drop off time at AWANA last year. I decided that it was not so bad that I should bring it up to leadership, after all, they are volunteers and are already doing SSOO much. At the end of the year, my son said he would not go back to AWANA if he had to go into the upper class, with the older kids because they were mean. I had never thought about the teasing, causing my son problems in his spiritual walk!! I SSOOO wished that I had let the leaders know.

 

After the summer he was still adamant that he did not want to go back, so we went to another church doing a program like AWANA, Truth 4 Kids. The third week my son started having problems with a boy and I told leadership immediately. They were very receptive and not only stopped the problem but my son and the other boy are friends now! I think the other boy's behavior: wrestling my son to the ground, sitting in his lap and telling my son to clean up after him were poor attempts to make friends.

 

So my honest advice is that I would let your son know that if another violent incident happens like that again, he will not be able to go back for a period of time for fear of hurting other children's walk with God. Now, if he really doesn't want to be there, that won't "work" as he will be mean, to get out of going.

 

I think your idea of having him sit with you is great, butiIf it was me, I would take a break from my position and do nothing but watch over him and let him know when his behavior is starting to get inappropriate. Sometimes kids are clueless as how to handle a situation and it turns bad because they just don't know how to react. Maybe the root is that he is trying to make friends with a boy, the boy seemed unfriendly and he was trying to get his attention. He can be taught other ways of making friends with coaching.

 

Don't give up, just keep trying to get through to your son. Don't forget prayer for him also!! :D

[Blessedfamily]

I think you handled it perfectly. Not over the top and not avoiding the problem. You had three factors to deal with at once- your class, your son's behaviour, and not overstepping other leaders' authority. I think you handled it all well.

[Laurie4b]

I agree. The key question is "What kind of hitting was it?" and if it was roughhousing, "Were the other boys also having fun?"

 

Whether it was over-the-top roughhousing or aggression, I think dh should be primarily involved. Men do judge these things differently than women, and I think it will mean more to the kiddo with the little Y chromosome to be tutored in this by the guy with the bigger Y chromosome.

[Reya]

I'm sorry if it is the son whose mother died. He needs to know you care, care enough to discipline him. Comfort him when he is sad, but don't stop disciplining him or he will just keep taking advantage. He needs discipline not hugs when he misbehaves.

 

Hate to agree here, but I know of a family who lost their father to suicide, and the youngest, who was 5 or so when it happened, used it as a super-excuse to whenever she chose to be a beastly, wretched little thing--even going so far as to burst into tears and say "I want my daddy!" whenever she got in trouble.

 

Hard times are like physical illnesses. You have to acknowledge they exist and comfort as much as possible, but they can't become a get-out-of-jail-free card for all misbehavior. The same standards have to apply. The standards of decent behavior don't exist because kids are physically and mentally healthy--they exist because they're the only way kids CAN be physically and mentally healthy. Many, many parents have to learn this the hard way, and you feel like a jerk when making demands of a kid who is hurting, but you hurt kids worse by not keeping to standards than you can by asking that they follow them.