S/O phone and social media addiction

[busymama7]

I typed this out on the video game addiction thread and realized after I went rambling off that it deserves its own thread.

 

We are struggling with what to do with our 19 year old daughter who is very clearly addicted to her phone/social media. She is home now as she is off track at college but she has been away for three semesters and home for between 7-16 weeks between (hard to explain). So she has survived on her own and her grades are mediocre but passing. It is really disturbing to watch her not able to self regulate and struggle mightily with anxiety and depression in a self perpetuating cycle. She does hold down a job but isn't required to give up her phone while there so she still uses it there and then constantly when off. Like can not do a simple task like put on her makeup or wash a few dishes without snap chatting about it multiple items and/or propping her phone up to video chat or FaceTime. We don't know what to do but feel she is past the point of is being able to lay down the law and are hoping to gain her trust to help her through it. We are obviously worried about her and also very concerned with the little ones who are watching her (she is the 2nd oldest of 9, youngest being 3). So it's complicated as we don't want to alienate her and she is an adult but she is also living at home and we have young kids. And it is affecting her emotionally a lot.

 

 

As an aside, I am so frusterated with phones in general and how much our society has changed because of them. I struggle with over use too so I'm not pointing fingers but I am just generally tired of not being able to socialize even in a group of adults without everyone's phones taking center stage and the real live people there falling behind. I want to get rid of mine in protest but there are some really essential tools/apps that would be hard to do without. I turned off all notifications except for it ringing if I get a call and I purposely leave it in the other room as much as I possibly can but still I feel it is interfering with life in many ways and is showing my kids that it is the center of life. Being around people over the holidays was rather depressing. We did have a good game night last night where no one was really on their phone so I know not all hope is lost. But I really am tired of everyone constantly with their faces in their phones. I am deeply concerned with how my middle to younger ones are growing up and what they are seeing the adults they are around spend all their time on. I do not believe it is healthy but struggle so much to figure out what to do about it.

 

I am now putting my phone away and will check for replies later today so if I don't respond right away I'm attempting to practice what I preach and live real life.

[Mergath]

It can help to learn about how marketers and engineers for social media companies exploit what they know about dopamine and the human brain to keep us clicking. I would send her some info about that, since you can't exactly take her phone away.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Mergath

[Guest]

I do not have any words of wisdom or BTDT advice. Just hugs. I share some of those frustrations in general and it is very noticeable in groups of young people. We do still have general “rules†around here, like no phones at the dinnertable. My kids don’t seem addicted to their phones, but they use their phones differently in a group of peers than they do at home or in the general public. I would share your concerns if my kids were using the phone the way your dd is.

[Mergath]

That’s a good idea, Mergath! Knowing how my information and content was a commodity for sites (heck, even this one) really changed how I interacted with the web. And led to me not joining google’s circle junk and leaving facyspace years ago.

 

Bah humbug ;)

 

I do love my phone and the web, but with eyes wide open and a very veeeeery conservative policy regarding social media and privacy (or lack thereof).

I love mine too. :) But it can take some work to make sure that I'm using it, and not the other way around.

[KungFuPanda]

Can you set it up so that your home WiFi is off during certain hours and make your daughter responsible for her own phone bill so she doesn’t get overages when the WiFi is out?

[hornblower]

I'm not always so sure that socializing online is worse than socializing in real life. I socialize online a lot. I like it.  

I suggest you deal with anxiety and depression as totally separate things. Maybe for her they're related, maybe they're not. Maybe the reason she's functioning at all is because of the support and check in's from online friends. 

Find a local counsellor who is skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy and suggest she try it. It's short term treatment, about 10-12 sessions, and very practical (not navel gazing type stuff). 

I think your dislike of phones and the technology is coloring your perspective on this & diagnosing this as the problem, where it might actually be her best tool. Not saying it is, just saying it might be. 

 

[amy g.]

Are you paying for her phone, or is she?

 

I use my phone a lot, but I am USING it, not socializing with it. I use it for things like shopping lists and digital coupons and budget spreadsheets and figuring out how to get to someplace etc. I am not using it for facebook or snapchat or whatever.

 

Now, socially speaking, I DO use it like....oddly enough.....a phone! lol. I will text my mom and send her pics of the kids, and sometimes text my oldest, but the vast majority of the time, I actually make a phone call.

I’m unclear on this. Aren’t you using a screen to socialize with us right now? Is a computer screen preferable to a phone screen in some way?

 

I find that personality has so much to do with this. We had a guest for Christmas who is very introverted. I noticed she used her phone sometimes to get a little distance when too many people started to get overwhelming. On the other hand, one of my kids told her she had left her phone in the basement. She said “I can’t see any reason I would need to take it to church.†I’d say she is not addicted, but using it to help her be in social situations she might avoid all together without having it as a buffer.

 

My sister, on the other hand, is very anti- technology. She takes pictures with film, she hates streaming music rather than playing an actual physical album.

 

She is put out anytime any of us use a screen.

 

She is also an extreme extrovert. She wants to be with people face to face all of the time. I tell her that her personality makes it very easy to feel self righteous about how much better the world was when everyone had to do things in person.

 

I tried to explain that some people would not have the option to socialize at all without technology. I don’t disagree that there can be some dangers to it, but I think people also need to look at the advantages and to some personality types, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

 

I had to give up on the conversation because she insists the world was better when introverts were FORCED to be uncomfortable and do things in person because there was no alternative.

 

All of that is to say that if one of my kids was having an issue with addiction, I’d focus on WHY she is doing it. What need is it satisfying. Do I need to teach her alternative ways of meeting that need, or is the phone actually a good solution but it rubs me the wrong way because I just think everyone needs to just be more like me.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I hear you. We're dealing with similar stuff here. The screens replace every other thing a normal, healthy kid should be doing. It's very frustrating. 

 

However, you mentioned anxiety and depression. What I found in my teen is that the phone/screens are not the cause of the anxiety and depression--they're the coping mechanisms. I agree that I'd get your DD to a therapist, if she's not already seeing one, and maybe some meds if she's struggling. If you can get her brain in a better place, she may need the constant prop of the phone and social media less and less. 

[busymama7]

Thanks for the ideas. It really is way beyond listening to a podcast or music while doing another task. I've watched her and tasks that should take 10 min take 5 times that and she takes and sends *dozens* of pictures and videos in the meantime. I'm sorry no one needs to take that many pictures of themselves.

 

We do pay for her phone as she is paying for college on her own mostly and she's on our plan. I want to do something to help and that is something we can do. However I think she is taking it over in the next few months.

 

My husband is in IT and we have had EXTENSIVE conversations and learning about online tracking of info and stuff. She can't stop herself. We just had to clear her laptop again from thousands of threats due to click bait and such. Don't ask me more about that as I barely understand it myself. She still snap chats and shares location info with people she barely knows.

 

We have taken family social media fasts when she was in high school and she does love the way she feels off it but not enough to stop or control it on her own.

 

We do turn off the wifi at 12 but I'm not sure that changes much. She is on it all day anyways. Any earlier and the rest of us couldn't use it. When we go back to school we could push it earlier. Even with gentle reminders to put it away while with extended family she was picking it up to check it every 10-20 seconds. After two reminders I left her alone but it didn't stop.

[busymama7]

I am referring specifically to my phone. Yes I am using my computer right this moment :-). When I then close and leave behind when I am done with it. It doesn't come with me to the dinner table, to the bathroom, etc etc. I am not sitting and texting on the toilet or snapchatting while getting dressed lol. That's specifically what I was referencing, because the OP was specifically referencing the inability to do simple tasks like washing dishes or putting on make up without accessing social media through the phone.

Yes this exactly. Possibly some of you haven't seen this. it's way beyond listening to music while washing dishes.

[busymama7]

I hear you. We're dealing with similar stuff here. The screens replace every other thing a normal, healthy kid should be doing. It's very frustrating.

 

However, you mentioned anxiety and depression. What I found in my teen is that the phone/screens are not the cause of the anxiety and depression--they're the coping mechanisms. I agree that I'd get your DD to a therapist, if she's not already seeing one, and maybe some meds if she's struggling. If you can get her brain in a better place, she may need the constant prop of the phone and social media less and less.

While I do believe it is a coping thing, it is also true that the way dopamine works contributes to the issue getting worse in the long run. Both my husband and I have first hand experience with this. Phone use, specifically social media and games, makes out emotional problems worse. She would most likely still struggle. But it would help. We are discussing therapy and/or medication but with the addiction to the phone I'm not sure how much it will help alone.

[Liz CA]

Well I’m using my phone while putting on makeup and am a functional, happy adult. The phone use isn’t inherently bad, but I’d be more concerned about the socials in particular and how those seem to be affecting her mood. Reading, listening to music, podcasts, whatever on a smartphone isn’t a problem for many people.

 

The best way I’d suggest to break social media addiction is cold turkey. Delete the sites from bookmarks and deal away the phone for a week or two. That is a good way to break out of the inmediacy of the update cycle, and once you get a little behind it’s easier to not feel a compulsion to be up on everything all the time. Second, realize she needs to be the one driving this. You can help, but ultimately she will just get going again if she isn’t committed to using her phone in ways that build her up and entertain her without affecting her mood or time management.

 

 

It can help to learn about how marketers and engineers for social media companies exploit what they know about dopamine and the human brain to keep us clicking. I would send her some info about that, since you can't exactly take her phone away.

 

 

I love mine too. :) But it can take some work to make sure that I'm using it, and not the other way around.

 

 

For some cold turkey seems to work, for others it's preset time limits. I agree that she needs to be the one who feels it's an issue that she wants to address. 

The dopaminergic circuit in the brain may be one way to illustrate to her how people get sucked into this and pointing out that she wants to be in control of her devices rather than the devices in control of her may be helpful depending on her personality.

For some people, making a list of other things to do that do not involve screens has also been helpful.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Liz CA

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

The way you're describing this, it's starting to sound a little like OCD. Has she had trouble with that kind of behavior in other ways? 

[Guest]

The way you're describing this, it's starting to sound a little like OCD. Has she had trouble with that kind of behavior in other ways? 

This.

 

What you're describing doesn't sound just like your usual, run of the mill, can't-put-down-the-phone-itis. Especially the safety issues (giving out personal info to strangers).

[busymama7]

The way you're describing this, it's starting to sound a little like OCD. Has she had trouble with that kind of behavior in other ways?

Maybe. I'm not really educated enough to make that kind of determination.

 

She does control it when she really wants to, like at church. She doesn't pull her phone out for the whole hour and ten mins we are in our main worship meeting. She might use it during classes but I'm not with her so don't know. She also managed to work 15 hrs a week and take classes and live away from home and take care of herself. So it's not like she can't function at all. But it is still a lot of use and I feel it is excessive. We don't feel like we can force it though so we are just waiting for a good opportunity to talk about it. And also at the same time changing our behavior and trying to set a good example for her and the others (the boys who are 15,17 and 20 do better than she does by a HUGE margin)

 

She has supported our decision to not allow our 12 year old to have a device. She says she knows she started too young with one(14) and she does sort of see it as a problem now.

 

Overall I'm just really sad about how much things have changed. So much less reading, games and talking happens. So much more TV/movies and phone use. It's so depressing to sit in a room to teens/young adults and adults and everyone is consumed by their phones and not interacting. It happens a lot. At home we try to combat it but we run into it elsewhere too

 

I am not anti technology or even socializing online. I'm here after all. On an iPhone as it's easier than using as PC. There are so many tools and conveniences that they offer that I gratefully use. But it seems there are so few people (myself included) that really have it in a good balance. It's changed human interactions and while maybes those changes aren't all negative it sure feels like it is. I'm not extroverted BTW. I absolutely use my phone to retreat. I'm still not convinced it's healthy to do that.

Edited December 28, 2017 by busymama7

[Plink]

I hate to say this, but I think this is a generational thing.  Sharing (and even over-sharing) photos regularly is how kids connect.  It is part of their society.  If she is spending most of her time connecting to people online, then she is like 99.9% of the college students I know.  It isn't comfortable for those on the outside of that social(media) circle to see the importance of those connections, but they are real.  

 

I would deal with her mental health issues, and only address the social media concerns after talking with a licensed professional.  Removing emotional support can be dangerous.

[busymama7]

I hate to say this, but I think this is a generational thing. Sharing (and even over-sharing) photos regularly is how kids connect. It is part of their society. If she is spending most of her time connecting to people online, then she is like 99.9% of the college students I know. It isn't comfortable for those on the outside of that social(media) circle to see the importance of those connections, but they are real.

 

I would deal with her mental health issues, and only address the social media concerns after talking with a licensed professional. Removing emotional support can be dangerous.

I'm not unaware of this. I don't believe the level to which my daughter is taking it is healthy. I do see young adults her age who have other interests and spend time on other things. She does NOTHING else except that which is actually required. Like showering and doing chores I ask but it takes 5x as long as she can't quite telling her friends all about what she's doing long enough to do it in a timely manner.

 

She used to love to read, she even wrote a book and self published it at 15. She pursed other things like journal writing and crafts. She does nothing anymore. She does what she absolutely has to and then spends all the rest of her time with her nose in her phone. If this is the new normal we just have to live with then so be it. But I'm not happy about it.