communication

[gardenmom5]

I realized how far I have come in giving "definitive statements".  I do recognize I've had to learn appropriate communication skills/strategies since I didn't learn them growing up.  (still working on it, made good progress.)

 

I invited my brother to dinner tomorrow - after I refused to host him/his for thanksgiving. he indicated he really liked the idea, but he didn't know his schedule. (which surprised me.  he's an engineer - but hey, 2dd doesn't always know her schedule because everyone rotates through the 24/7 - but it's a hospital and she's a pharmacist.) 

 

last week, I still haven't heard anything  so I emailed him. (I need a head count)  "I may have to work.  I'll know more later in the week." . . . . what does that sound like to you?   apparently - to him it was a "I"m not coming".  he also had the choice about working or not - he took it.   so he's not coming.  I felt my adrenaline level drop at that.

 

I also realized - this was the typical communication style we grew up with.   as in, it was carp at actually communicating, as you were expected to read someone's mind.  I guess I've come a long way baby.

thing is - he was in the military for 20 years, you'd think he'd learn how to give a straight answer!

not a vent so much as an expression of disbelief.  I really have forgotten so much of the more subtle garbage I grew up with - but certain things will bring things roaring back.

 

e.g. yesterday I was listening to a talk, and was reminded, dudeling would get so upset he'd vomit.  one reason I couldn't ever let him just cry/scream when he was small. fortunately, he out grew it.

[luuknam]

:grouphug:

 

thing is - he was in the military for 20 years, you'd think he'd learn how to give a straight answer!

 

 

IIRC, DW once told me that they'd just say 'Roger' when told something they didn't want to do or w/e... which would make the commanding officer think they said "yes", while it was intended as "I heard you (and now I'm going to completely ignore you)" (obviously, they'd also say "Roger" when actually meaning "yes"). 

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry your brother is so inconsiderate, Kristen. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I absolutely HATE that.  That is all.

[Ausmumof3]

My DH who is amazing in most ways does this to people. I think in his case it comes down to having never been responsible for the food. He really has no idea about how difficult it is to put a nice meal on the table for a crowd of people. I tend to hassle him for a firm yes or no now because I hate being vague and I'm generally on the receiving end of the polite "so are you coming?" phone calls.

[catz]

I have issues like this in my family. It’s ok to set tighter boundaries. Meet in public places. I rarely offer to host. If you get an indefinite answer, turn it into a no “I’m not sure about workâ€. “Oh too bad. Our week is so tight we will have to try again another time. “

[J-rap]

We have one family member like that.  I wouldn't even call them inconsiderate...  He's actually very kind and tries to be considerate. 

Unfortunately, it's in a way that no one else understands!  ðŸ˜‚  It's just a very weird way his brain works.

 

I've come to understand that any vagueness at all means no.  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

He sounds like the type of person you have to give a specific time. I once read? (I think it was in a book) about communicating with weird time frames so people remember. "I will check back with you at 2:14" It makes them do a double take I guess. So then you call back at 2:14 lol. I haven't resorted to the off beat times, but I am getting a little more specific with certain situations. Like, "I need to know by X:00 on such n such day/date."

 

I think his response was misleading, but I'm glad you know have an understanding of what he may mean in the future.

 

I  keep realizing that I apparently shouldn't ask two questions in one sentence or too closely together because people keep failing to answer one or the other. I literally put it in text the other day that I wanted to know how long my sister would be in town for the holiday. She responded reminding me what day she arrived. Ok not what I asked LOL

 

I gave him a very specific date and time and what we would be doing.  (that was very date/time specific).  he gives very mixed signals too.

he lives beyond his means, so he jumped at the chance to work and get overtime.

 

he's offered to invite just me and my dh to dinner about they settle in their new house (which he bought, and had to go even higher in budget that he can't afford.   he's carrying *consumer* debt from 20 years ago -that is someone who can't handle money.).  I figured it would work better.  if he's obnoxious, I can leave.  it's hard to get him to leave. my son was venting about the day he came and sat on his desk to talk to him . . and he couldn't get him to leave.  for nearly two hours.   I will talk more to said son about how some people require bluntness.  repeated often.