neighbor dilemma

[eternalsummer]

We moved about 2 weeks ago, into a lovely neighborhood in a small mountain town (which is really largely a bedroom community for the 500k+ city down the mountain).  Various neighbors came over and introduced themselves right way - they are friendly.  Lots of kids.

 

So this morning, while I was still asleep, DD12 (who is an early riser) said that the lady from across the street came over, dropped off bread and cookies, and told her about the houses in the neighborhood that had homeschooled kids.  

 

Here is the problem: we don't eat eggs or dairy.  We can't eat the cookies and bread, and we can't pass them on as A. we don't know much of anyone yet and B. it's a moral restriction, not an allergy or something, so we can't just pass the food on.

 

DD12 didn't say anything at the time to the neighbor, of course, but I am not sure what to do.  If she asks later if we liked them, what do I say?  I don't want to lie, but I don't want to start off on the wrong foot or be unkind.  I could take them back over there but I hate to openly reject the kindness, and I still wouldn't know what to say without sounding holier-than-thou and ungrateful and etc.

 

Any ideas?

[bolt.]

Make a card and bring flowers, and return the items promptly, as they are probably better fresh. Gush a lot. Tell her she is so sweet and kind, and you are soooooo sorry, but your whole family are vegans. Oh, of course it's fine! How was she to know? Don't worry, it's the thought that counts, etc.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Can dh take them to work and leave them in the common area?  I don't mean this in a snarky way, but wasting food is probably something to be opposed to also, since it already has been made.  Someone could eat that. 

 

Then you can tell your neighbor, "Thank you so much for the lovely gesture" if she sees you and asks.  (She probably won't.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I’d just throw them out. I would thank her profusely for her hospitality when you see her. I have never had anyone ask me if I liked what they made for me.

 

 

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[xixstar]

What I would do is simply say thank you and that was very kind of her, thank you for thinking of us and welcoming us to the neighborhood, that was so sweet. Basically any version of that, including if I was directly asked if I liked them. If someone pushed that specific line of questions, I would probably go on to something like 'my spouse also thought it was such a kind thing to do, it was much appreciated'. Most likely, the line of questions will never get that specific. 

And simply in the future, if a friendship develops, probably work it into the conversation that your family does not eat those items. And if she puts two and two together and asks about the first batch, then I would then say that you really appreciated the gesture but no you did not consume them. Then you can have a great laugh when she informs you they were actually vegan cookies/bread -- okay, I'm making the last part up to make me smile and because if I'd delivered you bread or cookies, they would have been vegan -- well the bread at least. :) 

Edited October 24, 2017 by xixstar

[MedicMom]

Send a thank you note for the lovely cookies and bread. She probably won’t ask if you liked them if you’ve sent a thank you note.

 

And then drop it. I would, however, come up with a game plan for the future. It sounds like a friendly community that probably has a lot of food sharing going on—dinner invites, after play time snack, etc. In my community, unfortunately, vegans tend to get ostracized.(it’s a heavy Italian Community that eats a lot of dairy and meat along with their egg pasta, and they are not interested in adjusting their eating habits for anyone else. So Community festivals and things like that are very heavy on the food, and all social life revolves around the school and food). I’d hate for that to happen to you.

Edited October 24, 2017 by MedicMom

[Selkie]

I agree that you should just thank her and throw them away. I wouldn't breathe a word about not having eaten them because that will make her feel awkward. She sounds like a good neighbor and those are hard to find, so I wouldn't do anything to make the relationship uncomfortable.

[school17777]

What kind of bread is it? My yeast bread recipes don't have egg or dairy. Maybe the bread is ok.

[Annie G]

Make a card and bring flowers, and return the items promptly, as they are probably better fresh. Gush a lot. Tell her she is so sweet and kind, and you are soooooo sorry, but your whole family are vegans. Oh, of course it's fine! How was she to know? Don't worry, it's the thought that counts, etc.

 

Something like this is what I'd do. This sounds like a friendly neighborhood and you're bound to get invites from families, and maybe they do block parties or something in summer. You don't want this person to find out later you're vegan and then wonder what you did with her offerings. It's ok to return them for her own family to enjoy...just be gracious and tell her how grateful you are for such a warm welcome. 

[eternalsummer]

Okay, I will try not to feel awkward about it :)  I will have the kids sign the thank you card - I have a nice one ready to go.  

[Pen]

I don't think most bread has eggs or dairy. So if that is only restriction, you can probably eat it.  I think you could call or go over with a return of thanks by way of card or just effusive oral thank you's and that it would be okay to ask if they have dairy or eggs in them and to explain that your family doesn't eat that and to offer back any part your family cannot eat so they don't go to waste. If offering it back doesn't feel right, then just the effusive thanks.

 

Morally, the idea of throwing them out feels worse to me than giving them back or passing them on.  Maybe they could be shared with an area church if they'd last till Sunday, or immediately shared with a charity place helping people who need food and leading to meeting yet more people locally.

 

In any case, I think you should offer your many thanks right away, and meet her right away, and give appreciation also for telling your dd about possible neighborhood friends, not wait till some vague time in future.

[eternalsummer]

It was a quick bread, like a banana loaf.  I can't pass it on as it's just a passing on of the moral culpability - it would be like if someone, in all kindness and generosity because it was part of your shared culture, brought over a Confederate flag candle when you moved to say small-town Alabama.  I don't know that you could pass on the candle, necessarily, if you really thought the Confederate flag was a symbol not of history or shared cultural identity but instead racism, etc.  At the same time, it's hard to return it because you're rejecting (in both cases) something meant as a friendly gesture of inclusiveness in the new neighborhood.

 

I will take the card over later today after  the mail goes out :)

[ktgrok]

It was a quick bread, like a banana loaf.  I can't pass it on as it's just a passing on of the moral culpability - it would be like if someone, in all kindness and generosity because it was part of your shared culture, brought over a Confederate flag candle when you moved to say small-town Alabama.  I don't know that you could pass on the candle, necessarily, if you really thought the Confederate flag was a symbol not of history or shared cultural identity but instead racism, etc.  At the same time, it's hard to return it because you're rejecting (in both cases) something meant as a friendly gesture of inclusiveness in the new neighborhood.

 

I will take the card over later today after  the mail goes out :)

 

If I knew someone had no light, and needed light, I'd be okay donating even a racist candle I guess? Could you donate the food to a homeless shelter? Or is it safe to feed to animals?

SaveSave

[eternalsummer]

Now that is not a bad idea, I hadn't thought of a homeless shelter or similar.  I will have to think about it.

[laundrycrisis]

Can dh take them to work and leave them in the common area?  I don't mean this in a snarky way, but wasting food is probably something to be opposed to also, since it already has been made.  Someone could eat that. 

 

Then you can tell your neighbor, "Thank you so much for the lovely gesture" if she sees you and asks.  (She probably won't.)

 

 

This.  I would either find someone to give them to, or set my convictions aside and eat the food, since they aren't for food allergies.  

[Liz CA]

I’d just throw them out. I would thank her profusely for her hospitality when you see her. I have never had anyone ask me if I liked what they made for me.

 

 

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We used to live in small town in the foothills and this is exactly the kind of thing they do and it's wonderful unless - of course you cannot eat it. I would probably do as Jean suggested. If this is the typical welcome gift (we received Swedish homemade bread and thank God I can eat everything because it was delicious :) ) there won't likely be more. Can you donate to some homeless shelter, etc. if more neighbors offer goodies?

 

Edited October 25, 2017 by Liz CA