Ohhhh . . . drat.

[Jenny in Florida]

I would use a much stronger word than "drat," but I'm trying to be polite.

 

My daughter has a very negative history with someone here in town. (I absolutely cannot give any more details publicly. You'll just have to take my word for it that it was real and it was awful.) She's been open about it with her brother, because they move in some of the same circles.

 

Despite knowing this, my son has chosen to get involved in a project of which this other person is also a part. 

 

I've know since he first talked about it that my daughter would take this pretty hard. I struggled quite a bit with how to navigate the conflicting interests, to be supportive of him without betraying her. I tried to subtly discourage him, but he made the choice to go ahead.

 

My son and I have talked several times about how to handle this. There was no way she wouldn't find out; again, they know a lot of the same people. But because she's so far away and all of us have busy and different schedules, it's not like we can sit down and talk this out calmly face to face.

 

Well, she just found out and asked me about it.

 

She is angry and hurt. She is also infuriated that, as she sees it, her brother is supporting a person whom she sees as being toxic not just to her but to other people.

 

I have told her that her brother's decision is not evidence that he doesn't respect her feelings and experiences, just that his experiences and decisions are his own. But I have every reason to think that this will bring on a very difficult episode for her.

 

She says she plans to take a couple of days to process before she reaches out to talk to him about it. 

 

My son is out of town for another couple of days, but I did let him know that he can expect to hear from his sister and that she is upset.

 

There is no way this isn't going to suck.

[lmrich]

ugg -  so sorry 

[regentrude]

I am sorry. that is a difficult situation.

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Seasider]

"This is between you and your brother."

 

ETA I meant to ask, is it possible for you to take the Switzerland position on this?

Edited August 26, 2017 by Seasider

[Jenny in Florida]

"This is between you and your brother."

 

ETA I meant to ask, is it possible for you to take the Switzerland position on this?

I plan to do my best, but I cannot chpose not to listen if/when my daughter needs to talk. And I don't want her (legitimate, though they are) feelings to ruin this for him, either.

 

I just need to figure out how to walk this tightrope.

[Rebel Yell]

Ugh. Based on your signature, I'm guessing about the type of person you're referring to. Every town seems to have an over abundance of them. We've had own own bad experiences with several. Most likely not as awful as your DD, but I've seen enough over the years to understand.

 

My hope is your son fully understands how devastating the person's history is to his sister. If this project is something he truly needs for experience or whatever that he cannot get elsewhere, I understand why he'd do this, even if were I his mom I'd wish he wouldn't. Unfortunately, in any line of work, there are some people you just cannot get away from, and some- even if you move across or out of the country- their slimey tentacles reach far.

 

Rambling here... but if your son is aware of this person's character and in agreement that it's not good, hopefully he can get what he needs to out of it and not become sucked into any trouble or become a victim of it himself. I have seen people join or stay with some toxic people/groups because it was the best option for what they needed. Sometimes being aware of their ways helps you stay out of it, even when you're in the middle of it.

 

For your daughter, I understand how upsetting this must be. I hope she can find a way to wish her brother success and not dwell on the negative of it. But I also know all too well that some hurts are very deep and aren't moved past easily.

 

And for you, Mom... just hugs :grouphug:

Edited August 26, 2017 by Rebel Yell

[PrincessMommy]

Ugh. Based on your signature, I'm guessing about the type of person you're referring to. Every town seems to have an over abundance of them. We've had own own bad experiences with several. Most likely not as awful as your DD, but I've seen enough over the years to understand.

 

My hope is your son fully understands how devastating the person's history is to his sister. If this project is something he truly needs for experience or whatever that he cannot get elsewhere, I understand why he'd do this, even if were I his mom I'd wish he wouldn't. Unfortunately, in any line of work, there are some people you just cannot get away from, and some- even if you move across or out of the country- their slimey tentacles reach far.

 

Rambling here... but if your son is aware of this person's character and in agreement that it's not good, hopefully he can get what he needs to out of it and not become sucked into any trouble or become a victim of it himself. I have seen people join or stay with some toxic people/groups because it was the best option for what they needed. Sometimes being aware of their ways helps you stay out of it, even when you're in the middle of it.

 

For your daughter, I understand how upsetting this must be. I hope she can find a way to wish her brother success and not dwell on the negative of it. But I also know all too well that some hurts are very deep and aren't moved past easily.

 

And for you, Mom... just hugs :grouphug:

 

 

This is what I was thinking too.  Perhaps there's no way around it given the nature of this project.  Hopefully your ds and dd can have a civil conversation about this... but I understand how your dd would feel about this.  It's like a betrayal.  BTDT.. hugs for her. 

[kroe1]

Aren't they both over 18? Is your son still living at home? Is either one still financially dependent on you?

 

At our house, family sticks by family. Period. I would tell son he will do without his mommy paycheck unless he rectifies this with sis. If he does not depend on you anymore, then there is nothing you can do.

 

Having said this, if it happens to be a performing arts thing, I understand that is a small, intertwined world. Avoiding one person can be almost impossible. I get that. But, if there truly was abuse involved, then your son needs to stand up for his sister. Good luck.

[bettyandbob]

Your DC are adults, but both are young. I suspect your DS saw an opportunity that would be good experience for him. In determining whether to follow up on it he probably considered that his sister has been in NYC for 2 (3?) years and thought she may be removed a bit from issues involved. These are reasonable thoughts for a 19yo. These factors are weighted by how good he perceives the opportunity and how bad he perceived past events.

 

Some people do not remember trauma of other's well at all. Even when they were close witnesses. I've learned my dh completely forgets trauma. So that may be a factor too.

 

I think you need to back out, as another poster said be Switzerland. Support both kids. Give your DD space. Explain the extent of dd's trauma when ds needs refreshing. But mostly back away.

Edited August 26, 2017 by Diana P.

[wintermom]

I would remind your dd that ds will find out himself just what kind of person this lady is. Some people need to pee on the electric fence themselves to decide if it is painful.