kewb Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 My sil has cut my dh from her life. Without going into detail I understand why she is angry. She thinks her brother said something horrible about her and her family. He didn't but this is how the information was conveyed to her. What grinds my gears about the whole thing is how she handled it. Rather than calling her brother and saying "wtf, why would you say this horrible thing. There is something wrong with you." She blocked him on Facebook and unfriended me and the kids and then waited for someone to notice. When I noticed I asked dh if he had spoken to his sister lately and why. He reached out to her. She unleashed a laundry list of vitriol on him and then said you live your life and I'll live mine. Clearly this miscommunication was the tip of a very large iceberg that my dh was completely oblivious,too. The whole thing is just so weird. TBH, I don't care if I never see that branch of the tree of the again as we were never friends but this is dh's sister and he is understandably upset by the whole thing. He also realizes there is nothing else he can do. He tried to make peace and she is not interested Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 :grouphug: I have had a similar experience, going on three years now. I am so sorry for your dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I think this cutting off without explanation thing is common when it happens at all. It's kind of a rotten way to do it, but TBH I think people just chicken out. Some people seem very reactive. You ar probably right though that there were other issues building up for some reason. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Some people can't be coherent when they are upset, so they do nonverbal things to protect themselves from additional stress. It's a bummer when people think you did xyz and you didn't, or at least you didn't mean to. I've certainly been there a few times. If your dh gave her is explanation, maybe she will cool down and be willing to listen later, or maybe she won't. Either way, he did what he could, so I hope he finds peace however it comes out. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Maybe he has already tried this, but it might be worth a try? Perhaps your dh could write a letter or email and explain his side of things and apologize for anything that he feels he needs to. Then she could read it at a time she decides she can handle it. If, at that point, she still feels the same then I would just back away for a while. Maybe send a Christmas and birthday card each year to show you're/he's still open for a relationship. Otherwise there is nothing he can really do except respect her boundaries. :grouphug: to your dh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 I am hoping she eventually calms down and is willing to listen for dh's sake. It just really bugs me the way she did it. She makes a big show of how spiritual she is and how she releases that which does not serve her. How she won't let the haters and the negative people ruin her life. I see now that means cut them out without an opportunity to face their accuser. Don't get me wrong, I am all for getting toxic people out of your life. And clearly that is how we have now been classified. I just think with family one sort of has to be respectful of the drama it may or may not cause. In other words, put on your big girl underpants and talk to your brother instead of behaving like a 5 year old. The end result may be the same but at least everyone got to have their say. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I am hoping she eventually calms down and is willing to listen for dh's sake. It just really bugs me the way she did it. She makes a big show of how spiritual she is and how she releases that which does not serve her. How she won't let the haters and the negative people ruin her life. I see now that means cut them out without an opportunity to face their accuser. Don't get me wrong, I am all for getting toxic people out of your life. And clearly that is how we have now been classified. I just think with family one sort of has to be respectful of the drama it may or may not cause. In other words, put on your big girl underpants and talk to your brother instead of behaving like a 5 year old. The end result may be the same but at least everyone got to have their say. I agree with you. The only time a total and sudden cut-off is warranted (imho) is when someone has shown themselves to be repeatedly illogical/unreasonable, unable to respect boundaries, and /or unwilling to address grievances. It would have been much better to at least attempt a civil conversation first, ideally before hitting the last proverbial straw. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm wondering about the person who so helpfully conveyed the perceived insult. Any chance that person could set the situation right? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm wondering about the person who so helpfully conveyed the perceived insult. Any chance that person could set the situation right? Interesting question. Possible. At the same time, I think they have done enough. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Sometimes people who are very hurt - rightfully or in error - need time to process feelings. Sometimes they feel distance is safer than knowing what untakebackable things might come from their mouths if they are forced into a confrontation before they're ready to have a discussion. People advise one another all the time here about setting healthy boundaries. The people who happen to end up outside those boundaries rarely understand why they were drawn, but the boundary stands. Give her some time. Make small friendly overtures. In time she may come out of that shell. And I agree, if the person at the root of the miscommunication could be asked to at least go back with the truth, that might speed things along. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiara.I Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 So partly what happens is that people don't generally have healthy conflict resolution skills. And in the absence of skills, people react by doing whatever their life so far has taught them. Which is why I'm making sure that we cover conflict resolution. Over and over. And practice. And then cover it again. After all, like so many things with homeschooling...I get to learn it while my kids are learning it! LOL Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 I think the saddest rifts are ones that result from miscommunication, or the assumption that others can read their minds -- and that they must be uninterested and uncaring if they don't meet the expectations which they're not even aware of or that are illogical. Your brother can take the mature position and apologize for what he has unintentionally done, now and in the past, and assure her that he cares for her and would love to rebuild their relationship again, when she is ready. (It sounds like he has already tried to do that.) And then, let it go and give her space and time. Hopefully she will eventually soften and realize that what she is feeling is based on something untrue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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