Excessive Compliments of the Erudite Kind

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ds11 is smart - some have said "scary smart". But I recognize and have taught him that his intelligence is only part of him - and it really isn't the most important part of him (his soul character is more important). But he is barraged (and that really isn't too strong a word here) with people telling him:

 

"You're a genius, you know that?"

 

"How old are you? How'd you know all that?"

 

and last night, "So, in a few months you're going to be way to smart for me to talk to. How are you going to be able to make things simple enough for me to understand you?" (The thing is this comment hits home because he can get technical beyond the ordinary person's understanding on something which he is passionate about. We are working on teaching him to talk in more general terms in general conversation.)

 

How do you coach him to respond to stuff like that? There is no gracious way to respond really - and we really do want him to respond graciously. Or I want to step in and respond with a gracious form of "pass the bean dip." Some people are family members or close friends whom we could pull aside and talk to. But we can't do that with every cashier at the grocery store, the visiting pastor that my dh (a pastor also) is talking to, all the people with varying degrees of social competency that we meet in ministry contexts. . . .

 

And believe me this is uncomfortable. I see it as he flounders for a way to answer in a way that doesn't put himself down (and I don't want him to be reduced to that) but at the same time be somewhat humble. I've been on the receiving end of it when I was his age. And I hated it. So can I have the wisdom of the Hive?!

[bumbledeb]

Is there some way he could make a light-hearted jokey response?

 

Can't think of anything word for word suitable but something like a laughing "Too right!" Or, turn into a compliment of his teachers, like, "Well, I do know a lot, thanks to my amazing Mom."

[asta]

For questions that can be answered with a yes or no, I have DS respond with a simple "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir". The whole "Ma'am/Sir" thing seems to disarm people well enough.

 

For more involved questions... we're working on that as well.

 

 

asta

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

He needs true peers. He needs a group of kids where he is middle of the pack. This will help him see that while he is different from typical kids his age, there ARE kids out there like him and he fits in somewhere.

 

When people say things like this to dd, she and I try to use it as an opportunity to educate them. People are born with varying abilities. There are things she is really good at and things she is not so good at.

 

"You're a genius" - No, but we know several kids who are.

 

"How did you know all that?" - I like to read and learn about this stuff.

 

"You're 7 and in the 4th grade?" - Yes, my school allows me to work at the right level for me. I am not bound by age constraints like many kids are.

 

If she had another type of special need, she would get questions about it, I'm sure. But having other kids like her in her life makes it easier to not feel like a freak, and has enhanced her relationship with typical kids as well.

[NorthwestMom]

We have the same problem with my 9yo. It would be great to find a pack of gifted kids so he could get some perspective, but I haven't found any organized groups for gifted kids outside of the gifted classes at school.

 

The worst part of these very well meaning compliments is that my son can get very frustrated if he is struggling to comprehend something, because he has been told he is so smart so often he equates it with effortless knowledge. That's going to change!

 

I am trying to teach my son to respond to such comments with something like, "Thanks, I have to work hard to learn new things just like you." I want my kids to always say thank you to a compliment and not minimize it - that is one of my pet peeves.

[Punkinelly]

He can say something like, " I am really enjoying the interests the Lord has blessed me with." Or something to that effect.

 

Mary

[klmama]

The worst part of these very well meaning compliments is that my son can get very frustrated if he is struggling to comprehend something, because he has been told he is so smart so often he equates it with effortless knowledge. That's going to change!

 

I am trying to teach my son to respond to such comments with something like, "Thanks, I have to work hard to learn new things just like you." I want my kids to always say thank you to a compliment and not minimize it - that is one of my pet peeves.

 

:iagree:When they are used to hearing how smart they are, they think they are stupid when they have to work hard at something. I tell my dc that "smart" just means they are able to learn some things more easily - it doesn't mean they don't have to work hard!

 

As for how to respond to others, I tell my dc to just smile and say, "Thank you. That's kind of you to say that." However, I do hear them say to other children, "Thanks. I really like ___ . Now, ___ - that's hard for me!" I don't think they need to do that, but they say it makes other kids feel more comfortable with them. With adults, though, they don't seem to do that.

[emeraldjoy]

Same problem here with our now 9 year old. Just curious; are all of these children in the above examples the oldest? Sometimes I feel like we have "caused' it in a way...

 

We have made it to a different level though, which is something I struggle with. I see that her intelligence is her default in uncomfortable situations and this leads to her unintentionally sounding arrogant and "know it allish". Does this make any sense at all to anyone?

 

In a social situaion where she finds herself feeling uneasy she will correct someones grammar usage, throw out an obscure fact, or something. I have observed and know that she does this to "proove" herself when she feels less than, per se. It has become the primary source of her self esteem with the consequence of other people feeling stupid in her prescence. I have tried to talk to her about how this makes people feel and I know in her heart she grieves and does not want to make others feel yucky, however, it seems to be more an automatic self preservation mode she goes into sometimes.

 

However, I have seen with age she is maturing some. And as I mentioned before, I know that we have upheld her intelligence, especially when she was younger, probably more than we should have. She was our first and we did everything that we thought was right to make her as smart as she could possibly be....we emphasized it a lot, too much, I now know.

 

I have rambled here...but do appreciate this topic.

 

emerald

[Apiphobic]

My ds11 is smart - some have said "scary smart". But I recognize and have taught him that his intelligence is only part of him - and it really isn't the most important part of him (his soul character is more important). But he is barraged (and that really isn't too strong a word here) with people telling him:

 

"You're a genius, you know that?"

 

"How old are you? How'd you know all that?"

 

and last night, "So, in a few months you're going to be way to smart for me to talk to. How are you going to be able to make things simple enough for me to understand you?" (The thing is this comment hits home because he can get technical beyond the ordinary person's understanding on something which he is passionate about. We are working on teaching him to talk in more general terms in general conversation.)

 

How do you coach him to respond to stuff like that? There is no gracious way to respond really - and we really do want him to respond graciously. Or I want to step in and respond with a gracious form of "pass the bean dip." Some people are family members or close friends whom we could pull aside and talk to. But we can't do that with every cashier at the grocery store, the visiting pastor that my dh (a pastor also) is talking to, all the people with varying degrees of social competency that we meet in ministry contexts. . . .

 

And believe me this is uncomfortable. I see it as he flounders for a way to answer in a way that doesn't put himself down (and I don't want him to be reduced to that) but at the same time be somewhat humble. I've been on the receiving end of it when I was his age. And I hated it. So can I have the wisdom of the Hive?!

 

He needs true peers. He needs a group of kids where he is middle of the pack. This will help him see that while he is different from typical kids his age, there ARE kids out there like him and he fits in somewhere.

 

When people say things like this to dd, she and I try to use it as an opportunity to educate them. People are born with varying abilities. There are things she is really good at and things she is not so good at.

 

"You're a genius" - No, but we know several kids who are.

 

"How did you know all that?" - I like to read and learn about this stuff.

 

"You're 7 and in the 4th grade?" - Yes, my school allows me to work at the right level for me. I am not bound by age constraints like many kids are.

 

If she had another type of special need, she would get questions about it, I'm sure. But having other kids like her in her life makes it easier to not feel like a freak, and has enhanced her relationship with typical kids as well.

 

Same problem here with our now 9 year old. Just curious; are all of these children in the above examples the oldest? Sometimes I feel like we have "caused' it in a way...

 

We have made it to a different level though, which is something I struggle with. I see that her intelligence is her default in uncomfortable situations and this leads to her unintentionally sounding arrogant and "know it allish". Does this make any sense at all to anyone?

 

In a social situaion where she finds herself feeling uneasy she will correct someones grammar usage, throw out an obscure fact, or something. I have observed and know that she does this to "proove" herself when she feels less than, per se. It has become the primary source of her self esteem with the consequence of other people feeling stupid in her prescence. I have tried to talk to her about how this makes people feel and I know in her heart she grieves and does not want to make others feel yucky, however, it seems to be more an automatic self preservation mode she goes into sometimes.

 

However, I have seen with age she is maturing some. And as I mentioned before, I know that we have upheld her intelligence, especially when she was younger, probably more than we should have. She was our first and we did everything that we thought was right to make her as smart as she could possibly be....we emphasized it a lot, too much, I now know.

 

I have rambled here...but do appreciate this topic.

 

emerald

 

Interesting question, emerald. Ds is not the oldest child in our family, but I'll be curious to hear other responses to this question. Ds is the firstborn son; I have no idea whether or not that pertains to anything. He is also a fraternal twin.

 

No, I don't think you can "cause" it, in a way, so please erase those feelings of doubt or guilt. I always wondered if I pushed my dc to read too much too soon, because oldest dd and ds needed glasses. Dd (the fraternal twin) doesn't need glasses though, so I'm not sure how valid that theory is. She's not as much of a reader as the other two though. *shrug*

 

And I've noticed that as well with my ds -- falling back on it as a defense mechanism in a situation that's uncomfortable for him. I thought it was his competitiveness, but the way you've explained it makes good sense. Ds is so competitive, not just in academics but also sports, and I wondered if it was something about boys. Now I'm wondering if it's something else.

 

I do think Jedi has a good point about finding peers for dc dealing with this. Now the trick is finding them. I don't think they walk around wearing signs announcing they're brainiacs. And sometimes they try to hide it, because they don't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

 

I'm glad this subject was brought up, because I kept dismissing ds' academic strengths as just a result of homeschooling or just being similar to my brother. But now I think I'm going to have to look at it differently and realize that I need to approach his education differently than we have been. I think I may have been holding him back a little because I didn't want him to rush or feel like he missed out on anything growing up. But in the process, I think he's gotten bored. I just want him to relax a little, because he seems so tightly wound up and wired. I'm worried if he pushes too hard and goes too fast now, someday down the road he'll snap. So I'm struggling between the two -- challenging him but not pushing him.

 

Anyway, back to the OP. I really don't know the best way to handle it. Ds usually tries to joke his way out of it. He likes to be known as the funny guy instead of the really smart guy. So he'll usually joke as he's throwing out facts or discussing the merits of whatever the subject happens to be. It's not as jarring, I guess.

 

He has been called the absent-minded professor, and he knows that's not meant as a total compliment. So I think he knows there's an undercurrent of doubt about the benefits of being so smart. Like, what good is that going to do you if you can't "act" normal? Isn't this a little bit like the old stereotype of women who have to play dumb in order not to threaten someone else's self-esteem?

 

Hmmm, off to clean and fret over yet another possible method of ruining dc's lives and driving them into therapy.

 

Stacey

Edited November 2, 2008 by Apiphobic

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

We have had great luck finding friends through the Davidson Young Scholars Program. Most of the kids dd has befriended live pretty far away, but she can keep contact by phone, email, and IM. Even just that little bit of contact helps her TREMENDOUSLY. If your child qualifies for the program, it is a great resource in many ways.

 

Also, some places have very active Mensa groups for kids. It is much easier to qualify for Mensa than DYS. You can find out online if there is a children's coordinator in your area.

[emeraldjoy]

:iagree:When they are used to hearing how smart they are, they think they are stupid when they have to work hard at something. I tell my dc that "smart" just means they are able to learn some things more easily - it doesn't mean they don't have to work hard!

 

As for how to respond to others, I tell my dc to just smile and say, "Thank you. That's kind of you to say that." However, I do hear them say to other children, "Thanks. I really like ___ . Now, ___ - that's hard for me!" I don't think they need to do that, but they say it makes other kids feel more comfortable with them. With adults, though, they don't seem to do that.

 

We can really, really identify with this, especially the top paragraph. Because things comes so easily for her almost always, if something does pose a challenge she really won't put the effort in. She gives up fairly easily and I always thought it was more of a motivational thing, but I am beginning to wonder if she loses her self-efficacy and thinks that maybe she is not as smart as she thought when something actually challenges her.....???

 

e

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can relate to the problem with getting a child like this to do the harder subjects. When he was younger we chose a couple of subjects (esp. foreign languages) simply because they did not come easily to him.

 

In my ds' case he gets along well with his peers and relates to them as any other child does. It is when he gets among adults that he feels free to speak with his "true" vocabulary and to want to explore topics of more intellectual substance. If the adults would only talk to him matter-of-factly at his (and their) level all would be fine. But they feel compelled to comment on his intelligence to him - or in some cases to positively gush over it.

 

With the simple compliments he will respond with a simple "thank you." But sometimes the comments are not the simple "thank you" type - in the way they are phrased they invite a more in-depth analysis of his intelligence - by him! Which is what bothers me. I'm wondering if teaching him to say "Let's not go there!" with a smile might be the ticket. (I'm thinking specifically about last night's question of "will you be able to lower your intelligence enough to talk to me?") I mean really, what would you say if someone asked you that? "No, it would be too hard to lower my intelligence that much?!" or "Yes, I'll speak slowly with small words?!" Any answer he gave would be arrogant. He tried to make a joke but it still came out sounding arrogant even though I know he didn't mean it that way at all.

[emeraldjoy]

I think another poster mentioned this and I really liked it.

"There are some things I know a lot about and others I am learning, and yet others, I will never know about, I just love learning"

 

It is so interesting to me how sometimes things that are suppose to be compliments end up so complicated and uncomfortable. It really makes me want to be attentive to what I say to children and how I treat them.

 

Emerald

[Laura Corin]

Calvin gets similar comments. I've taught him two replies. If it's in reference to a particular subject, he says, "I really like ......", which turns it from ability to interest. If there's no way to do that, he says, "You're very kind," and moves on.

 

Calvin qualified for Davidson, but he's not even allowed to set up email contact through the organisation with others who are members (despite being a US citizen) because we live overseas. I'm still working out if there's something similar here.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura