bethben Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 My daughter was born with a cleft lip/palate. As a result, she has a scar above her lip and her nose is slightly off center. Today, she learned that other girls had been talking about her saying how her face looked weird. Why is it that the pretty girls who could have it all are sometimes also the meanest?!?! The thing is--she learned it through gossip of her friend who overheard them. It wasn't said to dd personally. So, we had a long talk about how gossip does hurt and to be the friend to those who get made fun of. AND to never repeat something said negatively about another friend to that friend. In some ways, I'm glad it happened during the summer. She's going to school next year and this is my big concern for her - that other girls will make fun of the way she looks. Now I can't blame the public school setting - only the kids in that public school setting. The school actually has a reputation for being very proactive with bullying and mean girls so if my daughter made a fuss about being made fun of, something would get done about it. Also, it made me realize that I actually had the emotional energy to do be the mom she needed at the time. I wasn't trying to be her teacher also. She's always been tough to teach and I have had no tolerance for much more of her antics the rest of the day. Today, because I didn't get so frustrated trying to teach her, I had energy for her emotions and energy to be mom. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 :grouphug: Hugs to you and to your dd as well. Four of my kids have a visible birth defect. It's hard to see them get hurt. My hope is that it helps them to be more empathetic and less prone to judge people by their appearance, but in the meantime, it's just sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm so sorry that happened! I just had my first experience with one of my kids being the mean girl. I was much more upset than the mom of the girl my daughter was mean to. She wrote an apology letter, and this summer we are reading The Hundred Dresses, The Little Princess, Raggedy Ann and any other books I can find to inspire her to become a heroine rather than a villain. As to why some girls act this way, I've been asking myself all week the same question. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 My daughter's first reaction was that she was going to go over to the girls and punch them. Yes. That would solve the problem... :glare: Not that I've ever seen her do that...I can see dd also being a mean girl because sometimes she doesn't think before she speaks and will get in your face right away with a venomous backlash if you insult her or someone she loves. I never have worried about her out in the world. I have been working with her for years to temper her angry side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I am sorry. My son was born without some fingers and some toes, and I have been so worried about him. But, I am happy to report that he is doing very well in PS and not one person has mentioned his hands (he can wear closed toed shoes to hide his feet, although he has been to the public pool this summer with his friends so I am sure they now know.) Praying things go well for your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I think that some people will always find something nasty to say. It could be about someone's looks, income, what they eat for lunch, anything. I choose to think these people are unhappy. Once you start to think of catty people as unhappy, you actually feel kinda sorry for them and it's easier to move on. Or at least, that's how I feel lol. I'm sorry this happened to her. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Doesn't sound nasty, more that they are working thru their concept of beauty and body image vs reality, food disorders etc. this is the age...they notice models, they learn in art class about symmetry, they may come to know what historically was considered beautiful and why. Its clear they need more vocab. The nasty kids will focus on anything. The color of your shoelaces, what bus you ride, your eye color...those are the kids you focus on avoiding taking the bait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Doesn't sound nasty, more that they are working thru their concept of beauty and body image vs reality, food disorders etc. this is the age...they notice models, they learn in art class about symmetry, they may come to know what historically was considered beautiful and why. Its clear they need more vocab. The nasty kids will focus on anything. The color of your shoelaces, what bus you ride, your eye color...those are the kids you focus on avoiding taking the bait. Yeah, it may not have been nasty. It depends on the actual conversation/tone I guess. It could have been an observation that something looked different to them. In the right opportunity I would just flat out tell people why I had a scar. Honestly, that would probably make them feel badly if they were being mean. "This girl had to have surgery" is nothing to laugh at. Dd lost a tooth from a freak accident. She'll be missing her front tooth for many years, since she's only two. I expect there will be comments at some point. People talk about what they don't understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 Doesn't sound nasty, more that they are working thru their concept of beauty and body image vs reality, food disorders etc. this is the age...they notice models, they learn in art class about symmetry, they may come to know what historically was considered beautiful and why. Its clear they need more vocab. The nasty kids will focus on anything. The color of your shoelaces, what bus you ride, your eye color...those are the kids you focus on avoiding taking the bait. This is basically what I told her. I told her if it wasn't her facial difference, then it would be something else. For me, it was my red hair. Add to that, when I got hot, my face would get all red also. I was called a tomato head. I told her she has to filter out who she lets define her and her beauty. Those girls should not get to define her. It's just that at her last doctor appointment, the plastic surgeon told her that she could have her lip scar fixed so it wasn't as noticeable. She said, "I like my scar because it reminds me of what I've gone through." Maybe she won't feel the same as she grows up. It's just sad that they had to pick on the one thing that caused all the chaos in her life (she is adopted - most likely abandoned because of the cleft). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I'm sorry. It makes me sad to hear things like that. For what it's worth, several of the "mean" girls I've observed in activities my kids were in over the years have at some point (as they get to be young adults) realized they were being unkind and shallow, and changed. I think generally it takes only one kid to be mean, and the others just chime in thinking that's the thing to do. You dd sounds like a strong and confident gal. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixpix5 Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I am so sorry for you and your DD. Meanness is so tough to deal with. It can really sting and make us doubt ourselves. My DD wears bilateral hearing aids and I have always worried for her but tried my best just to teach her to advocate for herself and to explain her disability. We have found that addressing the class from the onset has helped. Basically educating them on hearing loss at the beginning of the year. It seems to curb any potential issue. However, I doubt she will want to do that as she gets older as kids tend to become more self conscious of differences. *hug* 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I am so sorry for you and your DD. Meanness is so tough to deal with. It can really sting and make us doubt ourselves. My DD wears bilateral hearing aids and I have always worried for her but tried my best just to teach her to advocate for herself and to explain her disability. We have found that addressing the class from the onset has helped. Basically educating them on hearing loss at the beginning of the year. It seems to curb any potential issue. However, I doubt she will want to do that as she gets older as kids tend to become more self conscious of differences. *hug* :thumbup1: Side note, I watch Switched at Birth and I love how it makes me think and learn about different things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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