s/o -- What is the difference between shyness and social anxiety?

[J-rap]

I always thought we had a "shyness gene" in our family, but now I'm wondering if it's social anxiety.  

 

I thought they were the same thing.  However, after reading another thread, it seemed pretty clear that they are not the same thing and maybe need to be handled differently.

 

 

[Guest]

Shyness is relaxed while behaving shyly.

 

Social anxiety is inwardly freaking out or beating yourself up when you're engaging in shy behaviour.

Edited February 8, 2017 by OKBud

[Onceuponatime]

As someone who was labelled shy as a child, I like Sadie's definition in the other thread: "slow to warm up but OK once she knows someone." I dislike the term shy in this case. Reserved is a better word IMO. Up until I was about 11, I took a while to feel comfortable in any new group or situation, but after a few weeks my mother would get notes home that I was talking too much. I wasn't necessarily engaging with the group as whole any better, but by then I had usually found one or two people that I felt comfortable with. I'm still that way.

 

After 11, I experienced social anxiety- the desire to flee social situations, dread, increased heart rate, lightheadedness, breaking out in a sweat, etc. This was about the time that I began to realize society, and my mother, expected me to act and look a certain way as a female. I cowered under the percieved judgement of the world, flustered by all the unwritten rules that I was having trouble figuring out. It was easier to disengage and become the nerdy girl who read all the time.

[Paige]

IMO, shy people dislike meeting new people, speaking up, etc., but can if they need to. With social anxiety, they cannot. Social anxiety, as a disorder, entails being unable to have a normal, functioning life. 

 

My sometimes shy child probably wouldn't really rather die than talk to a stranger. My social anxiety children....I don't know. I could easily see one hiding in a corner and dying rather than seeking help from someone she didn't know when she was at her worst. 

 

Social anxiety also doesn't necessarily look like typical shyness. My sometimes shy child likes parties but may cling to me, put her head down, and not talk much once there. One of my social anxiety DDs can be very assertive with strangers when she wants- she has no problem asking for help at a store or tapping a stranger on the shoulder if he or she has dropped something. The idea of going to a party, however, could make her throw up and hide in bed. Shyness is in the moment, but social anxiety is anticipatory and all the time. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think the main difference is shy is just an aspect of a normal range of personalities.  Social anxiety makes it difficult for the person to function and it bothers the person who has it. 

 

 

[EMS83]

Can we be both??

[Loowit]

Maybe it is a spectrum of the same thing.  I have always just believed I was shy.  I am horrible with social situations with people I don't know or are casual acquaintances.  I have trouble starting up conversations with others.  I would rather just hide and avoid talking to strangers.  Once I do meet someone and we get to know each other I open up and am perfectly friendly and even talkative, but there is always some element of feeling like I might say or do the wrong thing.  I have very few people that I feel I can be myself around.

 

My DD, who has been diagnosed with social anxiety, says I have social anxiety.  She claims mine is worse than hers.  When she said that it made me wonder if the term social anxiety is just the new shy label for many people although I do think that there is a difference in how much it affects someones day to day life.  I think shy is on the mild end and doesn't effect day to day life overly much, whereas social anxiety makes life difficult to navigate on a day to day basis.

[Guest]

Can we be both??

Yes

[Pawz4me]

I was a shy kid. I had trouble interacting with people I didn't know. I didn't worry about situations ahead of time, or at least not much. DS18 worries to the point that (before medication) he couldn't eat before attending any sort of situation where he knew he was going to have to socialize. Including school. It was causing him to lose a lot of weight. That's social anxiety.

[Crimson Wife]

Shy means that at parties I might hang out near the buffet table so that I don't have to make as much "small talk". Social anxiety would mean avoiding the party entirely out of fear.

[LostSurprise]

I think of shyness as a personal attribute and social anxiety as the world telling you shyness is not okay. 

 

I always remember feeling shy (hesitant, careful, reserved, thoughtful, analytical), but I don't remember feeling anxious until my parents, teachers, peers started pushing me to be 'friendly' or commented negatively on my hesitation. It's kind of meta. Your natural feeling of introversion is covered with anxiety that you're not doing the 'right' thing, being extroverted, spontaneous, fun, in-the-moment. That when you try to do the 'right' thing it doesn't come out right because it's not natural to you. Social anxiety is an internalization of the world's disapproval of introversion and shyness. 

 

Different people internalize this at different times, but most shy people have some level of social anxiety by the time peer relationships become important (the teen years). Then, if we're healthy, we spend the next 10 years or so finding our niche, accepting ourselves, deprogramming. 

[MomatHWTK]

Shyness- I am restrained in new situations, prefer not to meet new people, take my time.

Social anxiety- I don't want to leave the house, I get agitated or upset if thrust into a new situation, I cannot attend social functions, am unable to make an appointment to see a new doctor, am exhausted after having to interact with a group, I worry excessively about every interaction.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think of shyness as a personal attribute and social anxiety as the world telling you shyness is not okay. 

 

I always remember feeling shy (hesitant, careful, reserved, thoughtful, analytical), but I don't remember feeling anxious until my parents, teachers, peers started pushing me to be 'friendly' or commented negatively on my hesitation. It's kind of meta. Your natural feeling of introversion is covered with anxiety that you're not doing the 'right' thing, being extroverted, spontaneous, fun, in-the-moment. That when you try to do the 'right' thing it doesn't come out right because it's not natural to you. Social anxiety is an internalization of the world's disapproval of introversion and shyness. 

 

Different people internalize this at different times, but most shy people have some level of social anxiety by the time peer relationships become important (the teen years). Then, if we're healthy, we spend the next 10 years or so finding our niche, accepting ourselves, deprogramming. 

 

Maybe, but I'd argue that this is only a problem if YOU feel it is.  I don't feel it is.  I know what the messages are.  I know some people have a weird problem with introversion.  But I don't care.  And it has not hindered me.

[Guest]

Agoraphobia and social anxiety are distinct, sometimes comorbid, conditions.

[J-rap]

Hmmm...  I wonder about my #5 and how I can help her.  She's always been "shy," but opens up with her close friends from childhood and they have fun together.  However, she's almost always had her close friends from childhood or her next up sibling (just a year older) nearby.  Since she has been at college though, she hasn't made a single friend except her roommates, going on two years now.  If she is forced into a situation and happens to make a friend that way, all is good.  But she will never, ever go into a situation alone voluntarily when it involves meeting new people her age.  

 

I've even researched clubs and church groups, etc. that she could join, found out times and meeting places, even found people who would reach out to her from those places, if she only would take that one initial step.  She seems to be absolutely petrified to do that.  

 

She really enjoys her three roommates, and they spend all of their time together.  In fact, she is often the one who plans their activities!  But they are all graduating this spring and dd has one year left.  

 

I did challenge her once last year, when all of her roommates were gone one weekend, to force herself to leave her room and at least do her homework in the library, where other people are around her (even if she doesn't talk to them), and she did that and sent me a picture of herself.   :)  I'm pretty sure she didn't talk to anyone though.

 

She is not afraid to travel alone, to interview for jobs, or call for doctor's appointments and such.  It's just the peer/same age social stuff when she has to insert herself voluntarily.  If she is assigned/forced to do a school project with two other students, however, she'll do fine and isn't afraid to help steer the group.

 

She's a fun gal and kids enjoy her if she gives them the chance.

 

But I'm beginning to realize, after two years of college and no friends (besides roommates), that this is more of a problem than I had thought!  She doesn't mind being alone for a lot of things, but I'm sure next year will feel quite lonely.  Generally, she doesn't complain about being alone, and is mostly pretty content.  But not having anyone to sign up as a roommate with for next year is stressing her out.  

 

It really came to a head this past holiday season, when she was visiting her very-extroverted three-years older sister in France.  Her sister planned for them to attend a New Year's Eve party with her French friends, and she had a complete melt-down.  She was absolutely petrified about going to the party, even though her sister would be there.  In fact, her sister at one point thought she might be having a nervous break down or something!  She did end up kind of forcing her to go (thinking that's what she should do to help her through it), and I guess it went okay, but it sure woke me up to the extent of her anxiety.

[Onceuponatime]

I think of shyness as a personal attribute and social anxiety as the world telling you shyness is not okay. 

 

I always remember feeling shy (hesitant, careful, reserved, thoughtful, analytical), but I don't remember feeling anxious until my parents, teachers, peers started pushing me to be 'friendly' or commented negatively on my hesitation. It's kind of meta. Your natural feeling of introversion is covered with anxiety that you're not doing the 'right' thing, being extroverted, spontaneous, fun, in-the-moment. That when you try to do the 'right' thing it doesn't come out right because it's not natural to you. Social anxiety is an internalization of the world's disapproval of introversion and shyness. 

 

Different people internalize this at different times, but most shy people have some level of social anxiety by the time peer relationships become important (the teen years). Then, if we're healthy, we spend the next 10 years or so finding our niche, accepting ourselves, deprogramming.

 

Yes. I think I would not have had the level of difficulty I did had my mother been accepting of my natural reticence. I was not a fearful child when young. However, my mom is extremely extroverted and believed that my approach to social life as i got older was unhealthy and not normal. I should have been grateful that she would allow me to go to parties, school dances, and other activities, but I was not interested. I should have had more friends and brought them home. I should have been interested in fashion and boys not literature and art. I was "naive, stuck up, and lived in a fantasy world" plus " people wouldn't like you if they knew what you were really like." Yes, my mother said that to me. It is permanently etched in my brain. She also refused to allow me to wear deodorant as a teen, because it would "clog my pores", plus she didn't need it so why should I. Eighth and ninth grade is not a good time to go to school with nerves and no deodorant. I could go on, but let's just say I was a very unhappy teen and probably depressed as well. I would come home from school everyday and go to my room to cry for an hour. I had frequent nightmares of flying to escape danger.

 

The ironic thing is I didn't have much trouble getting along with people. I had friends. People treated me okay. I just couldn't see it at the time for all the negative messages being thrown at me, first by my mom, then by my own brain. I think there must be a natural tendency to mentally obsess about things in someone with social anxiety.

 

 

  

Maybe, but I'd argue that this is only a problem if YOU feel it is.  I don't feel it is.  I know what the messages are.  I know some people have a weird problem with introversion.  But I don't care.  And it has not hindered me.

I think some people naturally care more than others what people think of them. I cared a great deal once. Not so much anymore.

[Onceuponatime]

Hmmm... I wonder about my #5 and how I can help her. She's always been "shy," but opens up with her close friends from childhood and they have fun together. However, she's almost always had her close friends from childhood or her next up sibling (just a year older) nearby. Since she has been at college though, she hasn't made a single friend except her roommates, going on two years now. If she is forced into a situation and happens to make a friend that way, all is good. But she will never, ever go into a situation alone voluntarily when it involves meeting new people her age.

 

I've even researched clubs and church groups, etc. that she could join, found out times and meeting places, even found people who would reach out to her from those places, if she only would take that one initial step. She seems to be absolutely petrified to do that.

 

She really enjoys her three roommates, and they spend all of their time together. In fact, she is often the one who plans their activities! But they are all graduating this spring and dd has one year left.

 

I did challenge her once last year, when all of her roommates were gone one weekend, to force herself to leave her room and at least do her homework in the library, where other people are around her (even if she doesn't talk to them), and she did that and sent me a picture of herself. :) I'm pretty sure she didn't talk to anyone though.

 

She is not afraid to travel alone, to interview for jobs, or call for doctor's appointments and such. It's just the peer/same age social stuff when she has to insert herself voluntarily. If she is assigned/forced to do a school project with two other students, however, she'll do fine and isn't afraid to help steer the group.

 

She's a fun gal and kids enjoy her if she gives them the chance.

 

But I'm beginning to realize, after two years of college and no friends (besides roommates), that this is more of a problem than I had thought! She doesn't mind being alone for a lot of things, but I'm sure next year will feel quite lonely. Generally, she doesn't complain about being alone, and is mostly pretty content. But not having anyone to sign up as a roommate with for next year is stressing her out.

 

It really came to a head this past holiday season, when she was visiting her verny-extroverted three-years older sister in France. Her sister planned for them to attend a New Year's Eve party with her French friends, and she had a complete melt-down. She was absolutely petrified about going to the party, even though her sister would be there. In fact, her sister at one point thought she might be having a nervous break down or something! She did end up kind of forcing her to go (thinking that's what she should do to help her through it), and I guess it went okay, but it sure woke me up to the extent of her anxiety.

I don't see any of these things as unhealthy or problematic. To me they just look like personality differences that need to be respected. If something is causing anxiety it is probably because of uncertainty of how to navigate that particular situation. Coaching and being prepared for what to expect and how to react in "what if" events, relieves anxiety. Your daughter travelled to France okay on her own? That is awesome. She probably needed to be prepared for the party in the same way that she was prepared to take an international flight to a foreign country. Because they are similar kinds of adventures into unknown territory.

[Incognito]

I think of shyness as more being embarrassed, whereas social anxiety is anxiety about social interactions.  

 

A person with social anxiety might be really good at giving speeches, and comfortable.  They don't have to talk with someone.  They just talk.  A shy person would find the idea of being exposed to a crowd difficult and overwhelming.  Of course shy people give speeches, but the exposure is the frightening thing.

 

I have a child who was not shy for years, but was socially anxious.  People would often label them as "shy", but they didn't become shy until years later when they had a deeper awareness of expectations of others and they started to feel embarrassed about their difficulties or slowness in response.  They went through a shy phase, but I think they are barely shy now, but still very socially anxious.  It may look the same to people outside of it, but internally they are very different things.