Homework: Whose responsiblity and do you just let them fail.

[KidsHappen]

My dd had serious homework this weekend which she negelected to mention until Saturday night even though I asked on Saturday morning. She said that she told me on Friday afternoon and granted she may have but that was the day that I slept all day. When I told her that I was asleep she said well that must be why you don't remember.

 

Anyhow, she was required to write an entire chapter of a book this weekend. This included the outline, rough draft and final draft. This seems excessive to me and I will probably discuss it with the teacher separately. Not the point though.

 

She waited until Sunday to start working on this and then threw a fit stating that she could not do it. My husband and I both read the material that she was supposed to write about and guided her with thinking things through and starting the outline. However, she was being exceedingly difficult and spent more time whining, crying and complaining than she did actually trying to work on it.

 

Finally, I got fed up and said fine. We have helped all we are going to. This is your responsibility and you need to do it. If you choose not to do it then you will suffer the consequences, namely a bad grade. This was considered a test grade and together they make up 50 % of the class grade. It would have been a serious hit to her overall class grade and her straight A grades. My husband felt that it was also our responsiblity to help insure that she do her homework epsecially in light of the fact that we felt it was unreasonable in the first place.

 

However, after I removed myself from the situation and set the responsiblity squarely on her shoulders, she buckled down wrote the paper in a reasonable amount of time and did a very good job to boot. I feel like I did the right thing but I am wondering where other parents would fall on this issue. Is it solely the child's responsibility to insure that their homework is done or are parents also responsible for insure that their children do their homework?

[AuntieM]

US government course from a very capable, fun-but-no-nonsense teacher. In the parent orientation she told us that she did not accept late papers, that they would automatically receive a zero unless there was evidence the student had been very, very sick. She told the parents to think twice about writing a note of excuse for the kids. She encouraged us to let them experience the consequences for themselves. She said, "Let them get that zero - it will probably be the only one they ever get."

 

I agree, they have to learn to be responsible, and that won't happen without facing the consequences. But it's sure hard to not step in and rescue 'em, isn't it? Especially at the age & stage where their grades actually go on a transcript.

 

In your case, your daughter knew what was expected of her, even though it was a lot of work. She could have written a rough draft Friday, revised/edited it on Saturday, then made her fair copy on Sunday. Perhaps it was too much for a short time, and that may be an issue to discuss with the teacher for future assignments, but this was one that was already on the table and needed to be completed. Despite the gnashing of teeth, she proved it was possible to accomplish the goal. She did a hard thing, and will benefit from the experience.

 

In short, I think you did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. But maybe buy her a pint of her favorite ice cream to let her know there are no hard feelings!

[KidsHappen]

Bumping this up as I was hoping to get more opinions.

[Ria]

I think that even in high school our job as parents is to help our kids learn to budget their time, thus, I keep tabs and remind as necessary. Homework here must be completed before anything else on weekdays. On weekends I'll let them spread it out, but it's got to be done by Sunday before football on tv.

 

Ria

[WTMindy]

My kids are not yet in highschool, but as someone who has been a highschool teacher, I think some kids still need parents help in this. I don't think that necessarily means doing the assignments with them, but asking, checking, monitoring, re-checking, etc is still a good thing. I would definitely tend to err on the side of helping my kids rather than letting them fail.

[Tammyla]

Same here.

 

I think that even in high school our job as parents is to help our kids learn to budget their time, thus, I keep tabs and remind as necessary. Homework here must be completed before anything else on weekdays. On weekends I'll let them spread it out, but it's got to be done by Sunday before football on tv.

 

Ria

[Happy]

It's a combo responsibility. The younger the student, the more boundaries the parent sets. By the middle and end of high school, the student needs to take ownership completely. If that means failing, then, so be it. Better now than later.

 

We also tell our son (who is primarily homeschooled) that the time to disagree about an assignment is when it is assigned, not the night before it's due. :glare: If he has legitimate questions or concerns, I do want to hear them, but when he has been given days to complete the homework, I don't want to hear any whining hours before it is due.

 

Letting them go splat on the wall of consequences is a good life lesson.

[Aggie]

I think you did what you needed to do in this situation. You didn't mention which dd this was, but like another poster said, the older the dc, the more responsibility is theirs.

 

I'm pretty removed from high school these days, but that seems like an extensive assignment for one weekend. Could it be possible that it was assigned earlier?

 

It sounds like you are involved in her school and homework and this one slipped under the radar, for a few reasons. If this happened all the time it would be a different story, ya know? But you asked about homework and followed through.

 

For our family, I would probably have a cut-off time for weekend homework, just to leave some family time. And if one of my dc had played all day on Saturday then whined on Sunday...I would have been *slightly* upset. :) That's just me, though.

 

Aggie

 

and I agree with Happy! :)

[Chris in VA]

Letting them go splat on the wall of consequences is a good life lesson. :lol::lol:

 

Yep, I'm in agreement, here. Although I hope my kids don't choose poorly, when they do, they won't learn anything from it unless they feel the sting of the consequences. It carries over, too--when I think of the times I rescued because I couldn't stand their discomfort, I cringe inside. I did the thing that was easiest for ME, and didn't think about the lasting effects on my children.

 

Bear your discomfort, so they have the opportunity to experience the consequences and hopefully learn from them.

 

In your dd's case, you did the right thing. I agree with the PP that the time to talk about the assignment is when it is assigned. Letting her figure out time management and learn from her experience is so important. Way to go, Mom!

[FlockOfSillies]

However, after I removed myself from the situation and set the responsiblity squarely on her shoulders, she buckled down wrote the paper in a reasonable amount of time and did a very good job to boot.

 

And this is your proof.

 

You checked up on her, she gave you a song and dance. If she'd told you on Friday, then she would have said on Saturday morning, "Yeah, Mom, remember I told you yesterday that I have this project to do?"

 

On Sunday, she went into Mommy-Daddy-do-it-for-me-I'm-lazy mode. You held your ground and responded appropriately.

 

John Rosemond's book "Ending the Homework Hassle" was a great help to me in this regard, even though I don't have kids in school right now. One of the points he makes is that parents had their turn to be responsible for their own schoolwork; now it's the kids turn to earn their grades. Coddling them, especially when they are high schoolers, does them no favors in the long run.

Edited October 14, 2008 by FlockOfSillies
Fixing quote tag

[amy g.]

I'm going through this now.

 

My 14 year old has a full class load and she has SUCH a hard time focusing. I sit with her, and I might even read the material to her while she takes note, or fills in the answers in her workbook. She does all of her writing alone, but I'll proofread it if there is time. She makes all A's on her tests in class, so I know that she is really learning the material.

 

We were out of the house all day Saturday, and had out of town guests Sunday and Monday. Monday morning, Dd got out her Spanish book, and worked on it for about 13 hours straight while everyone was having fun around her. She turned in her homework this morning, and made an A on her quiz.

 

My 12 year old had 2 weeks of Latin homework to finish, because "somehow" it never got turned in last week. I reminded him all weekend saying, "Hmm, wonder when you are going to start on your work." I went ahead and took him to Boy Scouts because other people were counting on him, but when we got home, I said, "If all of your work is not turned in tomorrow, I don't see how I can let you go backpacking this weekend."

 

He started working, but around one in the morning, he was getting pretty tired. Boy did I feel like a heel, at 5:30 when I saw him still sitting at the table with his head on his Latin book. I woke him up, and he got right back to work with such a cheerful attitude that I was really proud in spite of myself.

 

His sister did his morning chores for him. He was writing down his final answers as I pulled up to his class, but he got everything turned in, and made a 98 on his quiz, so I'm not mad at him.

 

I wish he would be like his sister, and plan ahead, and budget his time, but so long as his work is turned in on time, I let him choose when to do it.

[Rhonda in TX]

Offer help and support, but ultimately the responsibility is theirs.

[Peela]

I feel like I did the right thing but I am wondering where other parents would fall on this issue. Is it solely the child's responsibility to insure that their homework is done or are parents also responsible for insure that their children do their homework?

 

I think it is good if the parents realise the child may need help to structure their time and learn the self discipline to do their homework, but I dont think it is the parent's responsibility to stand over the child to make sure it gets done. I would have handled similar to you, I think- there is a point you just back off.

My parents didnt even know if I had homework- the whole thing was left up to me, and I became very responsible about it (overall- plenty of times I skipped it, too). I became self reliant and motivated to do well at school- or not. Mostly I did, but if I had been pushed and cajoled I could have done better- but I am glad I wasnt because I stood on my own feet, I wasnt molycoddled, and I am glad about that.

 

Parents nowadays get so invested in their child's success, and often it is more about the parent than about the child. I think it is important that we separate ourselves from our kids and let them fail and encourage them to stand on their own feet, but be careful not to feel that their failure reflects on us, or that doing poorely sometimes means their whole life is down the drain. There is a fine balance there.