Tiramisu Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I'm really 47 now. Last year I thought I was 47 but I was wrong. Increasingly, I react strongly to something that happens and feel sorry after. I don't remember this happening very much before this year. My mother is taking us on a trip this summer and paying for it. It's only a few days with a lot of driving there and back. I am thrilled to have a vacation and I know it will be very good for my nephew who is going with us because he has had a tough year being removed from his home because of his mom's alcoholism. Dh wants to take a day of the trip to visit a relative he's never had much to do with, who lives in a city a couple of hours away from the place we will be staying. I told him he has to work it out with my mom because I don't want to be in the middle. My mom clearly said she doesn't want to lose one of the few days away to leave the place where she specifically wants to be to drive the distance to the city and spend the day there. And we only have one vehicle. Dh is ever cheerful about it and sent me an email with this other relative's suggestion to meet at his business, go to a famous market, go to a beach, and eat burgers together. He was so pleased with this idea and didn't seem to realize all those places are in the city, the place my mom doesn't want to go. I'm so tense at being in the middle that instead of saying, "That's very nice, but I don't think it's feasible," or something pleasantly benign, I replied, "I'd rather be stabbed in the eye." Then I sent him an email saying I didn't think I should go on the trip at all. Then I apologized after that. I don't know why I reacted that way. I used to be a nice people-pleaser. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) How is your sleep? very often hormonal changes cause sleep issues and that makes you cranky. Sleep deprivation can cause memory problems, temper issues, make you feel like you are coming unglued. I have been there, to the point that my kids have been scared of me. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. I can't say enough good about acupuncture. It has really helped me. I also supplement with progesterone and, believe it or not, taurine. I take a couple other herbal supplements as well, but it was when I increased my taurine to 1000mg 2X a day (so a total of 2000mg per day) that I noticed I was reacting to everything like my old self. I stopped snapping or yelling with no provocation. I buy the Now brand from Amazon and it isn't expensive. eta: it's also not a bad thing to no longer be a people pleaser. It's good to be able to state your needs. You are allowed to have those needs met. And sometimes the people we love make plans that make you wonder what planet they are on so we have to tell them it's not going to work. That's ok. Lots of women speak about menopause putting an end to that 'people pleasing' part of themselves. Maybe they just get tired of it. 50 years is a long time to worry about how everyone else feels about everything all the time. So, while maybe you could have expressed yourself better, made some better communication choices, it's good that you spoke up. Edited June 1, 2016 by redsquirrel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I definitely noticed a return to occasional toddler tantrums as peri-menopause set in. Not ideal when I'm trying to teach two young girls how to act. :P If I were you, I would tell your dh that you believe hormones were behind your extreme reaction, triggered by the stress of wanting to please everyone and not being able to. Is there any way you guys could stop by to visit the other relative on the way to or from the cabin, without your mom? (Or is she also driving up with you?) It seems to me some kind of compromise is in order. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) Ha, I can react silly like that too at times. Over time, I've slowly learned to just hold it in a bit, until it passes and I can react rationally. I'm better at it now, so there is hope! :) If your dh's presence isn't necessary for all of the day's events, is it at all possible for him to take a bus to the town his relative is in? I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, but there are even buses that pass through here. Or perhaps dh's relative will have an idea of how your dh can get there. Or the relative can drive to the town that you'll be in, and meet your dh there. ETA: If it's not feasible in a way that doesn't disrupt everyone's plans, then I wouldn't do it. This is a trip your mother has planned and I'm assuming is paying for, and I wouldn't expect her to change anything. Edited June 1, 2016 by J-rap 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Why can't the relative drive to see dh in the city your mom wants to see? :grouphug: On the reactions...expect them to happen. I've learned to attempt not saying the first thing that pops in my mind especially if I have pms. Work on saying things like, sorry that came out wrong. On a lighter side, spending a vacation in the car with my mil...I'd steal what you said. :huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 Thanks for all of your thoughts. I definitely need to learn to keep quiet until I have a chance to think of a good, reasonable response. Dh was never close to this person. We've been married seventeen years and I've never met him. Recently, his last parent died and that could be why he reached out to dh out of the blue. Since the, he has been invited to visit us and has cancelled each time. My feeling is that he is one person, while we will be seven, including kids, on vacation at my mother's expense. We will only have full two days there since the others days will be spent on the long drive there and back. So it seems unreasonable to give up one of those days to visit a person who we have no relationship with. If dh wanted to do it on our own time, then it would be completely different. But considering this was a trip my mom and nephew have been planning for months, I don't know how it could work without world war 3 breaking out, with me in the middle of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 To take a more positive view of this: I have attended some sessions with older women where one of the themes was that they felt they got more honest around menopause. They were truer to themselves, truer to the world, more decisive about what they wanted. They stopped messing around and filling other people's needs and playing some role in someone else's script and started starring in their own movie. It can really be a transformative time but it's obvious to see how that can also create a lot of friction. As to the details of your situation - given what you've said, I see two options. Dh goes on his own (renting a car, using transit, whatever) or you just tell him no, sorry, this won't work. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 How is your sleep? very often hormonal changes cause sleep issues and that makes you cranky. Sleep deprivation can cause memory problems, temper issues, make you feel like you are coming unglued. I have been there, to the point that my kids have been scared of me. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. I can't say enough good about acupuncture. It has really helped me. I also supplement with progesterone and, believe it or not, taurine. I take a couple other herbal supplements as well, but it was when I increased my taurine to 1000mg 2X a day (so a total of 2000mg per day) that I noticed I was reacting to everything like my old self. I stopped snapping or yelling with no provocation. I buy the Now brand from Amazon and it isn't expensive. eta: it's also not a bad thing to no longer be a people pleaser. It's good to be able to state your needs. You are allowed to have those needs met. And sometimes the people we love make plans that make you wonder what planet they are on so we have to tell them it's not going to work. That's ok. Lots of women speak about menopause putting an end to that 'people pleasing' part of themselves. Maybe they just get tired of it. 50 years is a long time to worry about how everyone else feels about everything all the time. So, while maybe you could have expressed yourself better, made some better communication choices, it's good that you spoke up. I like your ETA. Thanks for coming back. My sleep hasn't been good. Usually, I take something to help like Benedryl or Xanax of I have a long run of bad nights, but I keep thinking, "What if I'm pregnant?" Low chance but I still haven't taken anything lately because of that. Also my schedule has been crazy, so I haven't been exercising often enough. That usually helps with sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 Ha, I can react silly like that too at times. Over time, I've slowly learned to just hold it in a bit, until it passes and I can react rationally. I'm better at it now, so there is hope! :) If your dh's presence isn't necessary for all of the day's events, is it at all possible for him to take a bus to the town his relative is in? I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, but there are even buses that pass through here. Or perhaps dh's relative will have an idea of how your dh can get there. Or the relative can drive to the town that you'll be in, and meet your dh there. ETA: If it's not feasible in a way that doesn't disrupt everyone's plans, then I wouldn't do it. This is a trip your mother has planned and I'm assuming is paying for, and I wouldn't expect her to change anything. The bus is a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I've had some "moments". I do chalk it up to hormones or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 It's the wacky hormones. Peri-menopause is a nightmare. I found an herbal supplement that helped me a lot, really stabilized those moods, but now... I guess the company stopped making it. I can't find it anywhere. I'm taking individual herbs (black cohosh, vitex and St. John's Wort) which seemed to be the main herbs in the blend and it's sort of helping, but not nearly as good as what I'd been taking before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 To take a more positive view of this: I have attended some sessions with older women where one of the themes was that they felt they got more honest around menopause. They were truer to themselves, truer to the world, more decisive about what they wanted. They stopped messing around and filling other people's needs and playing some role in someone else's script and started starring in their own movie. It can really be a transformative time but it's obvious to see how that can also create a lot of friction. As to the details of your situation - given what you've said, I see two options. Dh goes on his own (renting a car, using transit, whatever) or you just tell him no, sorry, this won't work. This has been my experience. I find it liberating, but it can be an adjustment for those around you. In a sense, it really is being more true to yourself and less about people pleasing. Rock on, perimenopausal ladies. We don't have time or energy for stupid. ;) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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