cintinative Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 There are many details which I must leave out and please DO NOT QUOTE I have started writing this two or three times and then decided against it. Here's the thing--my dear friend is struggling, really struggling, with a lot pertaining to her kids. I have my own ideas of what she could do but realize that it is not helpful for me to tell her what to do. I try to listen well. I try to ask questions to get her to think about things. I encourage her in the counseling that she is getting for her one child. However, it just seems like it is getting harder and harder for me to be of support other than text or email because of circumstances on her end. I do watch the kids on occasion for appointments, etc. This family has been in survival mode for so very long. It breaks my heart. Have any of you been through this? What did you do? I know it is "not my circus, not my monkeys" but it's still heartbreaking to see a friend barely functioning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 It doesn't sound like a situation I have been close to. You sound like a caring person, and that is great, but if circumstances prevent you from being more involved than you are, then...you can't be more involved than you are. If there are issues that require legal intervention, then you could go that route, but if there are difficulties you cannot fix then - it sucks but - you cannot fix it. I'm sorry. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 The one friendship I had like that ended up fizzling out because my friend's kids' issues started to negatively impact my own kids. I had to pull back to protect my kids. My friend did not understand. Before that though I listened and provided respite when I could, just as you are doing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I guess it really depends. I'm the type of person that is OK with suggestions. If I vent with someone I'm opening the door for suggestions. It doesn't mean I'll follow them, but I don't mind hearing them. I guess it depends on the type of friendship? I am not a friend with many friends, but a few good ones. We don't mind venting, sharing what works for each of us, and sometimes try what works for others? Who knows, it might work for me. How's your friend? Does she just want someone to listen or she wants someone to give some suggestions? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Sometimes you can only listen. I am in the "it depends" camp. Do they have the means/motivation to make things better. Sometimes we get bogged down in the mire and can't find our way out. So suggestions might be helpful, in a "do you think you could do X?" and leave it......if she argues back, just drop it. I can't tell you the number of times I have made suggestions, been shot down, only to find out that their counselor, therapist, or article they read said the SAME thing and all of a sudden it was a lightbulb and they acted like it was a brand new idea. Sigh, I hope I was able to plant a seed for the right person to actually tell them the same thing and have it stick. But it can be frustrating. But here is my M.O.......if something needs to be said, even if it isn't heard, I say it. I try to say it in the most gentle and loving way I know how, but I can't *not* say it, if that makes sense. However, there are times when I honestly don't know how to best help and I just listen. That can be helpful too. Without details it is hard to know what to suggest in your situation. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 The one friendship I had like that ended up fizzling out because my friend's kids' issues started to negatively impact my own kids. I had to pull back to protect my kids. My friend did not understand. Before that though I listened and provided respite when I could, just as you are doing. This is beginning to become a concern of mine. Before I always assumed that in time things would improve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 I am in the "it depends" camp. Do they have the means/motivation to make things better. Sometimes we get bogged down in the mire and can't find our way out. So suggestions might be helpful, in a "do you think you could do X?" and leave it......if she argues back, just drop it. I feel like I have tried this. The trouble is I think she is just so very weary. She never gets a break. Consistency is a huge issue. Sleep is a huge issue. I have recommended a book on sleep we both own to read again (she supposedly did), I have encouraged her to be strong and consistent, I have forwarded articles or snippets on blogs/newsfeeds and said "I found this interesting. Thought you might want to read it." etc. She will read them and thank me, etc. I just think the energy to do the work that is necessary to fix the problems is not there. I feel like I have done everything aside of just saying to her blunt out: your problem is ___________. I have seriously considered having a "talk" with her husband. But that is mostly my frustration that is driving that, and I don't think it would help my friendship with her. He would likely get angry with me. I am sorry I can't share more details. I just don't want it to be out on the internet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Wondering if you are one of my friends grown weary. Lol. I don't think so, but truly I could be your friend. You said in the last post you've done everything aside from saying "Your problem is _________. If it were me, I think it might be a relief to have someone be direct and maybe insightful into something I'm missing. Sure, she may not want to hear it or even become angry, but I think if you approach her from a perspective of love she may be more receptive. It seems to me, it's more loving to tell her that than not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I feel like I have tried this. The trouble is I think she is just so very weary. She never gets a break. Consistency is a huge issue. Sleep is a huge issue. I have recommended a book on sleep we both own to read again (she supposedly did), I have encouraged her to be strong and consistent, I have forwarded articles or snippets on blogs/newsfeeds and said "I found this interesting. Thought you might want to read it." etc. She will read them and thank me, etc. I just think the energy to do the work that is necessary to fix the problems is not there. I feel like I have done everything aside of just saying to her blunt out: your problem is ___________. I have seriously considered having a "talk" with her husband. But that is mostly my frustration that is driving that, and I don't think it would help my friendship with her. He would likely get angry with me. I am sorry I can't share more details. I just don't want it to be out on the internet. There are folks I know where all I can do is listen. They have problems that in normal folks could be fixed, but their minds aren't normal, so I've come to the conclusion that no fix is possible. (Oodles of folks have tried and spent a bit of $$ trying, but no change.) Dropping them has never been a consideration in my mind. They need someone to listen and seem to really appreciate that. I figure it's the least I can do. It's never truly affected my own kids though. I might have a different opinion or cut things back if I thought it would. It's never been hidden from my kids either (not since they were old enough to know anyway). Knowing about it and seeing how I handle it has probably helped make them sympathetic to other people with real issues (like my MIL with Alzheimers), so it's not all bad. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 The problem is that many times we don't really know what the problem or fix is. I mean, we might think we do, but there often are other dynamics in a family that people don't share with us. Sometimes it's for privacy reasons and sometimes it's because they don't totally see those dynamics themselves. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I feel like I have tried this. The trouble is I think she is just so very weary. She never gets a break. Consistency is a huge issue. Sleep is a huge issue. I have recommended a book on sleep we both own to read again (she supposedly did), I have encouraged her to be strong and consistent, I have forwarded articles or snippets on blogs/newsfeeds and said "I found this interesting. Thought you might want to read it." etc. She will read them and thank me, etc. I just think the energy to do the work that is necessary to fix the problems is not there. I feel like I have done everything aside of just saying to her blunt out: your problem is ___________. I have seriously considered having a "talk" with her husband. But that is mostly my frustration that is driving that, and I don't think it would help my friendship with her. He would likely get angry with me. I am sorry I can't share more details. I just don't want it to be out on the internet. Yeah, I get that you can't share more, it just makes it harder to offer advice or suggestions. It seems that all you can do is listen and offer what you can. Doesn't sound like you can fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I worry often that my friends feel about me as you've described. If the situation isn't negatively impact your own children, may I encourage you to just keep listening? Of course, if it's too much for you, then care for yourself by cutting back, but if you can do it... Those of us in chronic crisis are often terrified to talk to others because we know that people want us to get better. I've definitely "gotten better," but the truth is, my "better days" will probably never look as good as my friends' "bad days." I'm so grateful that (for now) I have two friends who understand that and offer me empathy, suggestions, hugs, and an open texting line. They celebrate our progress (we went out for coffee to celebrate that my son now has only one massive tantrum a day on average. When I met my friend, he was having 10 daily). They listen. And I do appreciate their advice, because it's offered without strings. If I can't do what they suggest at that time (because I'm overwhelmed, don't have the money, or it didn't work), they are still there for me. And I listen to their struggles without "one-upping." We've been dropped by friends because of our challenges. It hurts, but I understand. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 I am so grateful for all of you who have posted. I spent some time examining my own heart yesterday. I struggled with my own attitude about the whole thing and just felt like I was sitting in judgement. The honest truth is that I don't know if might be in the same place given their particular set of circumstances. So today it was a warm hug, telling her I was praying every day for her, encouraging her in the counseling, reminding her she is loved, offering to babysit so she and her dh can talk. If you feel led, will you pray for me that I can be a good friend to her? That I can offer advice when appropriate with compassion not in judgement, and that most of all that she would feel loved and cared for through this hard time? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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