Meeting the needs of the extreme extrovert in an introverted HSing household

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'm so at a loss here. Oldest DD and I are introverts, and youngest DD (10) is an extreme extrovert. DH is also an extrovert, but he's working 60-70 hours a week at the moment, so he's not too much help here, though he does what he can.

 

Oldest DD has no interest at all in acting as a playmate for DD10, whose chatty, "let's engage!" personality is overwhelming to her. It's overwhelming to me too, but obviously I work harder at getting over that! DD10 is not great at doing things on her own. She'll happily bike on her own, but our neighborhood is bounded by three major roadways, so there's only so far she can go. She'll read for awhile, but gets bored easily and wants someone to talk to, play with, etc. There aren't really playmates in the neighborhood--the kids are either too young (almost all of them), too rough (a couple of rough and tumble boys), or not especially desirable (a family of girls I'd really rather she didn't play with for various reasons). 

 

She's in a full-day HS enrichment/learning program one day a week, a small 4-5 hour history/science group another day, we have a 4-5 hour co-op another day, and she's in a sport that meets for a short practice two nights a week. I work from home, which takes up maybe 12-15 hours of my week. We do schoolwork on the off days, and with DH gone so much, pretty much everything else falls to me, so I'm preoccupied a lot of the time. Plus I'm an introvert myself, so there's only so much engaging I can do before I want to start pulling on my hair. 

 

This leaves her at loose ends, bored and increasingly angry and sad for quite a lot of the week. Outside of putting her in school, I don't know how else to help her that doesn't grind me down to a stub. She wouldn't even mind going to school, but I'm not sure putting her in in 5th grade would be a great idea (IIRC, 5th graders are not the most accepting!), and we have what is likely a LD (most likely dyscalculia and/or ADHD, still working on getting an eval) to deal with as well. 

 

We don't really have any HS/PS hybrid options. Our charter school options are kind of scary. We have a local parochial school that's well regarded, but it's overwhelmed with applicants every year because of the state of the local school systems. There are a few other possible co-ops/groups I could get us into, but I can't take on anymore responsibilities myself (I'd have to teach or do volunteer hours), and very few are secular. I also can't take my work with me--it has to be done at home for security reasons.

 

We are at our wits' end. If you've BTDT or have any suggestions, I would love to hear them. We've already had some forays into less than desirable attempts to meet social needs, and the very last thing I want is a depressed and angry tween making bad choices in trying to get her needs met :(

 

As usual, I'd really appreciate it if you don't quote me in your replies. Thank you very much.

 

ETA one last piece of info. Because she has an older sister and has always been on the fringes of that older group, her interests do skew older than those of the kids her age in our homeschool circles. They are mostly sheltering, non-TV-watching, non-pop-culture-consuming (for the kids), non-device using crunchy folks. So while she has friends her age, none of them have the same kinds of interests she does. She likes Minecraft and Dr. Who and going to movies, etc. She kind of knows she has to wait for her friends who are the same age to catch up, but in the meantime, she's feeling very alone *sigh*

Edited May 5, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[goldberry]

 

 

It sounds like you are are already doing quite a lot to meet her needs.  I am an extreme introvert with an extreme extrovert DD who is also an only child.  I have done about as much as you are doing, and frankly, there is just no way to fill up every moment of every day, no matter how extrovert you are.

 

I will say that trying to be there for her totally sucks me dry at times, but it was worth the effort to maintain our relationship.  When she was younger she took it very personally when I could not engage.  It has been a learning process that people love her but cannot always be engaging like she desires.  

Edited May 5, 2016 by goldberry

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I will say that trying to be there for her totally sucks me dry at times, but it was worth the effort to maintain our relationship.  When she was younger she took it very personally when I could not engage.  It has been a learning process that people love her but cannot always be engaging like she desires.  

 

Thank you, this is exactly what prompted me to write this today, though it's been percolating for awhile. She just had a minor meltdown because her sister won't link up on a game and chat with her. She thinks her sister is selfish and awful, and she's bemoaning the fact that she doesn't "even have one friend." I just want to scream, because I can't have this same discussion every single week. 

[heartlikealion]

When reading your post I felt like you were doing a lot. Can your dh take her out on the weekend so there are less days that are "non social"? Maybe you already go out on weekends.

 

In my head I was trying to figure out if the sports met on the same or different days as the other events. So does she have something going on a total of 3 week days, 4 week days...?

 

That seems like a significant part of the week, or maybe just to me.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

When reading your post I felt like you were doing a lot. Can your dh take her out on the weekend so there are less days that are "non social"? Maybe you already go out on weekends.

 

In my head I was trying to figure out if the sports met on the same or different days as the other events. So does she have something going on a total of 3 week days, 4 week days...?

 

That seems like a significant part of the week, or maybe just to me.

 

Thanks. It does FEEL like a lot to me too!. But when I compare it to what she's actually looking for, it seems like so little, really. 

 

The sports sessions (martial arts) float, but right now they're on days when she has nothing else. They're just an hour or so out of the day, though, so it leaves a lot of time still. And they're not the kind of thing where she really makes friends--you pretty much just go to class, do the session, and go home. I'd love for her to do a more team-oriented sport, but she's not interested. She loves martial arts though.

Edited May 5, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Sherry in OH]

For the summer look into day camps.  Would you consider a week or two at a resident camp?

 

Is she too old for aftercare? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think you should consider the fact she might have been switched at birth.  So maybe you can find an adoptive family.

 

I'm so totally kidding.  Really I am kind of in a similar boat.  My 10 year old is way more extroverted than the rest of us.  I can't seem to find him enough stuff to do. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

For the summer look into day camps.  Would you consider a week or two at a resident camp?

 

Is she too old for aftercare? 

 

Oh I wish.  Day camps here start at around $250 per week.

[goldberry]

I think you should consider the fact she might have been switched at birth.  

 

Mwahahaha!  I've been there....

 

DH is an introvert too.  When DD was 2 years old she wanted to leave the McDonalds play area (her favorite place) because "there's no one here and it's boring."  :glare:

[goldberry]

." I just want to scream, because I can't have this same discussion every single week. 

 

I feel your pain.  It is an ongoing process. On some other threads, we've been talking about "love languages".  And for some people, it is just constant attention and engagement.  But that's not realistic, nor is it a real reflection of whether or not people really love you.  But boy, that's hard to learn.  I know for DD, it was so real that when she wanted to talk-talk-talk and I couldn't really engage with her, I must not care about her.  

 

I had to explain to her that in real life there are times when she will be by herself and have to entertain herself, and she needed to figure out how to deal with that. 

 

Then I would explain that I can't give you this right now, not because I don't care about you or what you have to say, but because life just means I can't right now.  Later on, I will have "this" time to spend with you, and I can give you my full attention then.  

 

ETA, I forgot to add, rinse and repeat. ;)

Edited May 5, 2016 by goldberry

[heartlikealion]

Thanks. It does FEEL like a lot to me too!. But when I compare it to what she's actually looking for, it seems like so little, really. 

 

The sports sessions (martial arts) float, but right now they're on days when she has nothing else. They're just an hour or so out of the day, though, so it leaves a lot of time still. And they're not the kind of thing where she really makes friends--you pretty much just go to class, do the session, and go home. I'd love for her to do a more team-oriented sport, but she's not interested. She loves martial arts though.

 

Does going out of the house with others count to her as filling her needs? Maybe have the whole family go on a walk together. Going on a bike ride alone is not the same. We've been walking lately and ds has asked me like 3x today if we can go see the neighbors LOL. All because we stopped by to say hi when we saw them outside after walking home the other evening. No one there is even close to his age. He's also been fairly interested in going on walks when we don't talk to anyone. I think it's just good for all of us. We didn't go to day mainly because he wasn't being very productive and I'm trying to get him to do his work, but we might go out later. Maybe your oldest could even stay home (not sure about rules with age and staying home alone) while the two of you went on a quick walk.

 

[fairfarmhand]

What about an after school program like the YMCA or something?

[MysteryJen]

I think you are doing a great job. What is currently working here for my outlier extrovert is swim team. 6 days a week going early to hangout before practice.

 

Maybe if you can find a way to have a daily social outlet, she would adjust to the quiet parts of the day more readily. Or when she turns 11 and can take the Red Cross babysitting class, she could hire out as a mother's helper a couple of days a week.

[texasmama]

I have an extreme extrovert 10 yo girl, too.   What I am currently doing in addition to the outside activities is allowing her to skype with her sweet little co-op friend (in the living room) for hours on end, six days a week.  They play minecraft and plan businesses to run and make rainbow loom bracelets and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk....

[TammyS]

I would get her doing some kind of intense exercise every day that you are going to be home.  It needn't be "punishing".  Help her find something she likes.  But make sure she gets a good burn every day by lunch time.  It really does help.

 

Also, you mentioned her friends needing to catch up.  Maybe that isn't the case.  Just because her friends aren't doing pop-culture,etc doesn't mean they aren't doing anything.  Maybe she could learn to share some of their interests.

 

Speaking of which, I would start helping her find a hobby to do at home.  Something that is in the "making stuff" department, ideally, because again, it will give her a thing to DO, physically.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

What about an after school program like the YMCA or something?

 

Yeah I looked into this too.  Expensive and all tied to the schools. 

 

It's a real pain that around here everything is tied to the schools and homeschoolers cannot participate!

[heartlikealion]

Yeah I looked into this too.  Expensive and all tied to the schools. 

 

It's a real pain that around here everything is tied to the schools and homeschoolers cannot participate!

 

The schools have a monopoly on the YMCA stuff? How can they do that?

 

I really wanted to get my son in Boys & Girls Club, but they meet another town away and I'd have to bring the baby with us and uh stand around waiting? There's nothing really to do in that area except like go to the dollar store.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

The schools have a monopoly on the YMCA stuff? How can they do that?

 

I really wanted to get my son in Boys & Girls Club, but they meet another town away and I'd have to bring the baby with us and uh stand around waiting? There's nothing really to do in that area except like go to the dollar store.

 

 

Their programs take place at the schools (after school stuff specifically) and students not enrolled there can't go.  They don't offer anything at the YMCA for that age range after school.  So yeah in a sense they do have a monopoly on the YMCA stuff. 

 

Our Boys & Girls Club has a lot though that is open to anyone.  It's also free.  Unfortunately, it has basically just become a highly structured extension of school so my kids hated it. 

[heartlikealion]

Their programs take place at the schools (after school stuff specifically) and students not enrolled there can't go.  They don't offer anything at the YMCA for that age range after school.  So yeah in a sense they do have a monopoly on the YMCA stuff. 

 

Our Boys & Girls Club has a lot though that is open to anyone.  It's also free.  Unfortunately, it has basically just become a highly structured extension of school so my kids hated it. 

 

Ohh