How to help a child develop interests and focus?

[PeachyDoodle]

DD (11 this month) has always had a huge range of interests -- whatever she's into can change from week to week, or even day to day. I love the fact that she is enthusiastic about learning lots of things, but as she gets older, I would like to help her find something she cares enough about to learn it past a superficial level.

 

She is a big-picture person who gets bored and frustrated when asked to work on something with any level of detail, and she would rather skim over lots of topics than learn any one thing really well. For example: She has wanted to learn graphic design for awhile. I use Photoshop and Illustrator in my freelance work, so she has access to those. I helped her find some video tutorials, and she spent a day or two watching them and playing around on the computer. She seemed to have fun, and her designs weren't bad.

 

A few days later, I came across a local art studio that is offering a summer camp focusing on graphic design. I couldn't wait to tell her! It was pretty expensive, but I was already brainstorming ideas for coming up with the money, because I just knew she'd love it. Her response: Meh, I already know how to use Illustrator.

 

{{sigh}}

 

She's like this with everything. Piano. Pottery. Chess. Sports. A minimal amount of exposure, and she already "knows" what she needs to know about it, so time to move on. I don't want to turn learning into a chore, but I'd really like for her to experience the joy of pursuing a hobby for awhile and becoming good at it, finding new levels of challenge by going deeper. Any ideas?

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 17, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Slojo]

I don't know. I think she's 11 - maturity. I think one of a few things will happen as she enters adolescence. 1) Her core subjects will get harder and be more involved - and she'll have to chose only a few things to dig into outside of that - especially if you are following a classical approach to homeschooling. 2) Other kids will get better, and some of the things she's really good at at 11, she's only be mediocre at (and that's okay).  Nothing like one or two experiences where she thinks what she's done is so advanced only to be blown out of the water (not that you're hoping for that, but there could be a lesson to learn there) 3) She'll get there as she gets older - she'll prune. 11 is still pretty young, really hard age to gauge yourself against the wider world, and why you might want to gain more knowledge or skills in a given area. But you might end up with the opposite worry when she's a teen - she's too focused on too narrow of interests almost to the point of being foreclosed about other options. So, it's a balancing act. 

 

Let the illustrator experience lie until she has more maturity to see the opportunity before her, especially if it's going to be a stretch for the family budget. 

She sounds like a great, engaged kid for the most part. I think there was a comedian who was trying to encourage his daughter in school, and said "You have to apply yourself, what can you do with a fourth grade education?" Kid's response: Teach 3rd grade...

[TammyS]

I don't even think she's immature.  I think she's still searching (not surprising at 11) for the thing that is WORTH (to her) applying focus and attention to detail.  She just hasn't found it yet.

[PeachyDoodle]

Okay, that makes me feel better.

 

I've always had a fairly intense, type-A personality, even as a kid. So her approach to life is very different from mine. And she's not competitive AT ALL, so she really doesn't care if she's the best at anything. Although she's quite bright, so she's used to most things coming easily (well, except sports!).

 

In many ways, I'm SO glad she's not like me! I was under such heavy, self-imposed pressure all the time. I was afraid to try anything if I couldn't be the best at it right away. She's not afraid of giving anything a shot. It's just that nothing has stuck -- yet!

[Arcadia]

. She's not afraid of giving anything a shot. It's just that nothing has stuck -- yet!

My DS10 likes to dabble in everything. The time and money outlay as well as the clutter has reached the point that I am annoyed. So I am seriously thinking of making him pay a good faith deposit before he try something else.

 

Both my kids go wide, but I do expect a minimum level of mastery which is hobby standard. My DS10 has a mild silver spoon mentality because whatever he ask for is still in the affordable range for us. However teachers are starting to give up on him because effort isn't there.

 

To me sampling is well and good. However not putting some effort while sampling means I need more convincing to bankroll whatever is the lastest thing to catch my kid's eye.

[PeachyDoodle]

My DS10 likes to dabble in everything. The time and money outlay as well as the clutter has reached the point that I am annoyed. So I am seriously thinking of making him pay a good faith deposit before he try something else.

 

Both my kids go wide, but I do expect a minimum level of mastery which is hobby standard. My DS10 has a mild silver spoon mentality because whatever he ask for is still in the affordable range for us. However teachers are starting to give up on him because effort isn't there.

 

To me sampling is well and good. However not putting some effort while sampling means I need more convincing to bankroll whatever is the lastest thing to catch my kid's eye.

 

Yes, I know what you mean.

 

In our case, it's not so much that she stops putting in effort, exactly. Not when she's in something formal, at least. When she's on a kick about, say, writing a book on lions, then yeah -- that might go by the wayside after only a few days. I don't worry about those self-initiated projects.

 

But when she took piano lessons, she learned every piece, often from memory. She was quite good. Her teacher was extremely disappointed when she quit at the end of the year. When she's played on teams, she works hard for her team (even if she's not much of an athlete). Mostly this is because she's a people-pleaser and likes for her teachers and coaches to be happy with her.

 

It's more like, once she's been through a season, that's enough. And I'm okay with that -- she doesn't have to like everything! I just wish she'd find *something* that she enjoyed enough to keep doing it.

[Tsuga]

Maybe she could be like me and spend her whole life as a dilettante? Analytics and software design is a great job for that type of person because (1) it's always changing so you never have to learn it *that* well, I mean you do but as soon as you get the basics you can go from language to language, (2) you get to deal with all kinds of problems in life, from water management to people issues to building widgets for phones, and (3) you have a decent salary so you can have hobbies.

 

That's my suggestion. Don't sweat it. We won't all be at carnegie hall. :D

[Tsuga]

Oh... saw your update. Well, I tell my kids they have to finish a certain level of mastery in the instrument before I'll let them choose another. "I know. We're at a plateau. It's boring. I'll help you push through by promising you x, y or z. Let's do it. Timer's on." So I basically force them to do an instrument. For sports, I don't care as much because there are the issues of developing bodies and repetitive injuries, so we aren't pushing teams. We have a good competitive but not elite/select swim club and school sports.

 

I figure... maybe they won't be in the tippy-top .01% of whatever. But if they put in the hours they have plenty of time to be great at what they do whenever they choose it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Totally normal.  Sometimes young kids can be highly focused, but I think they are the unusual ones, not someone like your kid.  Mine is almost 11 and he's the same way. 

 

 

[Anne]

i agree with everyone else's comments regarding this being normal.  The only caveat I have comes from your comment about things coming so easily to her.  I see this as being one of the big problems for gifted kids - they're so used to things being easy, that they often (a) don't learn how to really work at something; (b) think something is wrong (usually with them!) when something is difficult and © don't learn how to cope when t hey fail.  I am not saying this is what's happening with your child, however, I do think it is a potential pitfall to be aware of.  

 

Anne

[PeachyDoodle]

Maybe she could be like me and spend her whole life as a dilettante? Analytics and software design is a great job for that type of person because (1) it's always changing so you never have to learn it *that* well, I mean you do but as soon as you get the basics you can go from language to language, (2) you get to deal with all kinds of problems in life, from water management to people issues to building widgets for phones, and (3) you have a decent salary so you can have hobbies.

 

That's my suggestion. Don't sweat it. We won't all be at carnegie hall. :D

 

Actually, this sounds like the type of career that would be right up her alley! Hope springs eternal!!

 

Oh... saw your update. Well, I tell my kids they have to finish a certain level of mastery in the instrument before I'll let them choose another. "I know. We're at a plateau. It's boring. I'll help you push through by promising you x, y or z. Let's do it. Timer's on." So I basically force them to do an instrument. For sports, I don't care as much because there are the issues of developing bodies and repetitive injuries, so we aren't pushing teams. We have a good competitive but not elite/select swim club and school sports.

 

I figure... maybe they won't be in the tippy-top .01% of whatever. But if they put in the hours they have plenty of time to be great at what they do whenever they choose it.

 

See, I have waffled on this for a couple of years now. She was actually a decent pianist. I thought she enjoyed it. She never complained about lessons or anything. And then one day it was like, please can I stop? I don't like it anymore. So we took a break for summer, but at the end she still didn't want to go back. I have nudged off and on, hoping she would want to pick it up again (or another instrument, we have a homeschool orchestra nearby), because I know all the benefits of learning music. But she has absolutely ZERO interest in any kind of music at all. She hasn't sat down at the piano once since she quit. And we have been torn on whether or not to require that she study an instrument, because I do think it's beneficial, but I would love for it not to be drudgery. But maybe drudgery isn't the worst thing?

 

i agree with everyone else's comments regarding this being normal.  The only caveat I have comes from your comment about things coming so easily to her.  I see this as being one of the big problems for gifted kids - they're so used to things being easy, that they often (a) don't learn how to really work at something; (b) think something is wrong (usually with them!) when something is difficult and © don't learn how to cope when t hey fail.  I am not saying this is what's happening with your child, however, I do think it is a potential pitfall to be aware of.  

 

Anne

 

Yep, this. I know this was a factor for me. And while my response was usually anger and frustration, hers is more disengagement. If it's not easy, she wants to give up and move on. Obviously that's not an option in her schoolwork, and I do make a concerted effort to keep her challenged, but it's one reason why I wonder if I shouldn't require her to choose one hobby/skill and study it/practice it for awhile. The question is, how to structure that so it's effective?

[UCF612]

I haven't read the replies but am eager too because she sounds EXACTLY like my oldest! He's an "expert" in everything.  If he does anything even once he "already knows how to do it."  He doesn't pursue anything in depth.  Even things like swimming, which he LOVES and says he wants to be great at he doesn't do anything to explore the sport more in depth.  He's read a few biographies of swimmers on my prodding.  He's watched some races and technique videos on youtube.  All at my prodding.   He finds a lot of things come easily to him but he doesn't work beyond that initial easy level because he becomes convinced he's already successful.  And he won't do anything he can't do right the first time he tries! Riding a bike without training wheels was torture! He'd hop on and if he couldn't do it instantly he was done, wouldn't try again.  Finally one day he was able to do it quickly and then he was willing to continue.

[Tsuga]

Actually, this sounds like the type of career that would be right up her alley! Hope springs eternal!!

 

 

See, I have waffled on this for a couple of years now. She was actually a decent pianist. I thought she enjoyed it. She never complained about lessons or anything. And then one day it was like, please can I stop? I don't like it anymore. So we took a break for summer, but at the end she still didn't want to go back. I have nudged off and on, hoping she would want to pick it up again (or another instrument, we have a homeschool orchestra nearby), because I know all the benefits of learning music. But she has absolutely ZERO interest in any kind of music at all. She hasn't sat down at the piano once since she quit. And we have been torn on whether or not to require that she study an instrument, because I do think it's beneficial, but I would love for it not to be drudgery. But maybe drudgery isn't the worst thing?

 

 

Well, if she isn't asking to play a different instrument, and she put in her three years, I think quitting is a fair choice. She put in the time, she did it, oh well. I'd be disappointed too, though, so I feel for you.

 

With my kids, they want to quit their existing instruments and take up a new one. Like they would both be fine playing Hot Cross Buns on 50 different instruments and Andantino on exactly zero instruments. I'm not going to pay for that but whatever. The second instrument is their incentive to continue with the first.

 

Drudgery is not the worst thing and I don't think using piano as your fine art until high school would be cruel, provided you gave academic credit.

 

 

 

He's an "expert" in everything.  If he does anything even once he "already knows how to do it."

 

OMG. I think there is a reason I don't have boys. I can deal with the dilettantes, I can deal with passion, I can deal with lazy.

 

I will never in my entire life be able to get into the head of boys who proclaim expertise for absolutely no reason whatsoever. They don't think that the world's experts all achieved their expertise in one day, do they? I mean I'm sure your son is as skilled as my daughter, not doubting that, but my nephew does this too. I love him dearly but that attitude of "oh I know how to do that" because they saw it on TV or something drives me and his mom up the wall. No, sweet boy, you actually have no idea.

 

Sorry, I know this is not a big deal in the greater scheme of things but I always wondered where that came from. Ultimately the outcome for boys who say "I already can" and girls who say "Nah, I'm not that into it" is the same but I don't get the narrative the boys tell themselves at. all.

[Arcadia]

Music and art are compulsory academic subjects for us yearly from K-8th. Then it is fine arts for high school. It helps me that my local public school does violin in 3rd grade and any orchestra instrument from 4th grade.

 

So my kids have to pick a music instrument or choir, and they pick an art. My DS11 self taught piano. When he plays everyday and/or does music theory, I count that. Now he plays cello daily and piano sporadically so I count cello as music but not piano. We also cover music theory or music composition yearly.

 

Hubby and I were public schooled and we get a grade for Art and for Music every semester from preK to 8th in our record book.

 

My DS10 loves the path of least resistance so for him, we have to be the bad guy sometimes to make him put in the effort. Whatever he supposedly can't do at home, he can do in an exam hall :lol: He won't read an early reader at home for my hubby when he was 5 but read a novel at 2nd/3rd grade level for a teacher just few hours later :P

 

My DS11 would try to the point of frustration so if he feels he needs to stop, we have to think if it is a teacher and/or materials mismatch, or we have to shelve it.

 

Both my kids stop knitting and rainbow loom when they lose interest. So now I have a big box of knitting and crocheting materials :) It wasn't because it was too hard but because they want to do something else with their downtime. Same with the cake pop machine that I ended up giving away. My boys got tired of making cake pops.

 

So whether we let our boys drop something is on a case by case basis.

 

PE is not optional for us too so my boys have to do something which falls under PE, which can be a non-sport.

[mathnerd]

Please read about Perfectionism in gifted kids. I believe that most of the gifted people in my family have this trait. Things come easily to them. They are used to the lifestyle of picking up something, being effortlessly good at it, being praised for their abilities by teachers and then, boom, one day things get advanced enough to be difficult, it no longer comes to them easily, they need to make a study plan, execute it effectively to master the skill and slog at it - now, this is the part that they are unfamiliar with and don't know how to do because they are used to a lifetime of learning easily because of their superior intellect. This is the point where they decide that they have learned all that is there to learn on the current topic and move on to fresh pastures. 

 

But maybe drudgery isn't the worst thing?

 

Drudgery is not too bad if the child is putting in effort to learn something deeply which will benefit the child in the long term. We have made music and one sport (martial arts) mandatory until my DS reaches age 14. I chose the piano for him and he chose Tae Kwon Do for sports. He wanted to join an orchestra, so I told him that a string instrument of his choice is possible if he stuck with the piano as well. He wanted a team sport, but he had to stick with martial arts to get to do the team sport. At age 14, he will have the choice to continue or drop these 2 activities by which time he would have learned them to an advanced level. The reason I chose these 2 activities is because, they need a lot of perseverance, repetition and attention to detail to get to a reasonably good level. I also chose demanding coaches who set the bar high. Most days he enjoys them. Some days are drudgery, especially when he needs to show up on time when he is tired and display great attitude to the coach when he would simply like to chill out. But, he is learning how to stick with a plan and I hope that he is learning "how to learn" in the process.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The expert in everything...normal.

 

My 14 year old has only recently stopped talking like that.

 

 

[PeachyDoodle]

The expert in everything...normal.

 

My 14 year old has only recently stopped talking like that.

 

Yeah, that seems to be a very "boy" kind of thing. Even my ds is that way, and he's only 5. He doesn't want to take any time listening to me explain it -- let's just get right to the part where I DO something.

 

That's not dd's thing. Hers is more grass-is-greener syndrome: "Meh, I saw how it works and turns out I'm not that interested after all."

 

Still toying with the idea of requiring some extra-curriculars. Heading into middle school seems like a good time for it. I'm thinking perhaps some type of physical activity (doesn't have to be competitive, but something where she can set continuously increasing goals for herself) and some type of "skill" (musical instrument, handcraft, etc.) that we stick with until high school. Goal-setting, maybe that's more what I'm looking for?

 

Re: the gifted/perfectionism thing: I totally get that. I was a gifted kid, and an absolute perfectionist. I really don't think that's what's going on here. Neither does dh; we've discussed it at length before. She's just a free-spirit type. It's true that, academically, she's found most things to come pretty easily. It's one of the reasons we pulled her out of ps to homeschool. But I really try to push her academically, and she's always up to the challenge. SELF-motivation, though -- that doesn't come naturally to her.

 

[MistyMountain]

That is very normal at 11. During the teenage years the brain starts pruning and a lot of kids will start specializing. It is a process that happens with puberty. I know there are some kids that are very intense and passionate in specific areas but many are not and that is ok.

[Arcadia]

Self motivation may not even kick in by the time some people reach adulthood. Goal setting is a useful skill to have though.

 

You might want to read Farrarwilliams thread on middle schoolers :)

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/604171-the-i-have-a-middle-schooler-commiseration-thread/

[UCF612]

I'm intrigued by this! Glad to know I don't have the only expert in all things kid.

[catz]

I think that is totally age appropriate.  My 15 year old is really starting to care about some things more than others.  But even now, he could still go in a bunch of directions.  I think it's good not to narrow too soon.  My own brother chose his career at like 6 and my parents told everyone and I think it rail roaded him.  He did major in that in college, but is now working in an entirely different type of career path that he could have been better prepped for.  I think parents should be supportive about kids interests.  But neutral if a kid decides to move on from a particular interest.  I think it's possible to get so invested a kid doesn't feel empowered to switch gears.