If you are a Christian and have a teen son

[ChocolateReignRemix]

You might think this sounds like the opposite of what you are asking, but I would suggest calling Focus on the Family and asking for resources. The are there to serve- it doesn't matter what your background. They want to strengthen families and although the are a Christian based organization I do not think they would turn down the opportunity to help any family. They have excellent resources and from what I know of them someone is going to be familiar with something to help you out. And even if it's Christian it could give you a good starting point. As several have mentioned, we all have shared concerns regardless of background.

 

FotF is a train wreck in so many ways that I would hesitate to recommend any of their materials to anyone for any reason.

[happypamama]

Playboy is practically "goodnight moon" now. If looking at private parts were the end all be all of porn I dont think nearly as many people would have anything to worry about.

 

IOW, if you came of age before there was a smut library (the web) in the livingroom "we looked in my day and we are fine" doesnt really mean much. If youre not up to date on pornography....well...things have taken a turn for the disgusting.

 

Its not that its all disgusting (unless you think all sexual images are disgusting), it is that the "regular" and the "holeeeeeee what! Ahhhch" are all mixed in out there.

 

Taking a peek isnt what it used to be.

I think it's also just the sheer amounts.  Even if they're just looking at normal people having normal s*x and normal naked people, it's just still the large amounts of it.  I would imagine that a teenage boy, for instance, can't look at hundreds and hundreds of pairs of photoshopped b00ks and not have it influence his ideas of what normal b00ks look like.  Any time you see lots and lots of something, you start to think that's normal and expected.  Sometimes that's good (like when kids see lots of people homeschooling), and sometimes it's not.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Yes, that was what I was saying. If "many" is too strong a word, I can only be glad. And yes, absolutely and sadly hypocrisy knows no belief-system boundaries. Christians tend to be openly against pornography because you'd be hard pressed to find a different stance if you take the bible seriously. Do Christians go about being against pornography imperfectly? Often, yes. 

 

We don't see anti-pornography campaigns in the mainstream culture and I think there's a reason for that. What I see is that many people, including people who happen to have children, range from being partially or totally fine with pornography usage for themselves (especially that which depicts consenting adults... which IMO is futile since it's the nature of porn addiction to seek more and more deviancy) with some limits in there, and passing on one's values to one's kids happens whether intentional or not. 

 

Numerous feminist groups have take anti-pornography stances for some time.  The reason you don't see many campaigns is that pornography is legal and that will not be changing.  And considering there is a large number of Christians that do view pornography, they are just as culpable in passing on those values as well.

[6packofun]

Your Brain on Porn is good, although not a teen specific book.  There is another one called Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age that might be good.  Just look on Amazon and see if the publishers are any of the Christian ones (Zondervan, InterVarsity, Thomas Nelson, etc.) if you don't want that viewpoint and avoid those or ones whose authors are pastors.  lol

Edited April 16, 2016 by 6packofun

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Playboy is practically "goodnight moon" now. If looking at private parts were the end all be all of porn I dont think nearly as many people would have anything to worry about.

 

 

Playboy has been considered porn-lite since the early 80s.  There has been a large amount of fairly extremely hardcore porn available on news stands for decades.  The primary difference now is the access to videos, most of which don't differ that much from what was available to previous generations, but (as someone else has noticed) the sheer volume available is different.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Playboy has been considered porn-lite since the early 80s.  There has been a large amount of fairly extremely hardcore porn available on news stands for decades.  The primary difference now is the access to videos, most of which don't differ that much from what was available to previous generations, but (as someone else has noticed) the sheer volume available is different.

 

And what is the worst thing IMO is that you come across it even when you aren't looking for it. 

[Guest]

And what is the worst thing IMO is that you come across it even when you aren't looking for it.

Thats my point. Ok seinfeld could get demeaning smut on vhs in the 80s.

 

Now it is so ubiquitous you can happen upon it by ACCIDENT...I mean, that is really amazing...in your kitchen.

[Barb_]

I don't dispute that, but it's funny that I never, ever have. The last time I saw porn was in my friend's garage when I was 11, looking at her dad's dirty magazines.

 

I guess my style of web use just doesn't take me there.

So here's an example from the other day. Oh and btw, 7-8yo is another danger zone because that's about the age they realize they can use their nifty new spelling skills and Google things for themselves. So anyway, my 7yo apparently googled "free toy storee video". She's only allowed on her Netflix kids or Amazon accounts for videos so when she told me she'd found toy story for free I was like, "yeah sure, after school work and chores you can watch Toy Story." She was excited and got permission to cue it up for later. A little bit later I picked up the iPad for some other reason and HOLY COW! Toy story was paused, and there was a clickable border of various sex acts surrounding the toy story story video in the center.

 

I said, "honey WHAT are you watching??" She replied, "Oh that...yeah I was just ignoring that." Which blew my mind a little bit because it makes me wonder if she's run across that sort of thing before. She got a stern lecture regarding staying inside her boundaries and lost the electronics for a while. But geez! They are preying on our children. Misspellings of common kid obsessions are the quickest way to some of the darkest corners of the Internet.

 

My 19yo has serious issues relating to a secret porn addiction that ran from 11-13 she told me she got there originally by misspelling YouTube. My son found hard core, nasty stuff when he was 7 and apparently was watching it all the time right there in the middle of the family room with no one having any idea. When you are right there in the room, your guard is down. You'd think by now I'd know better.

[Guest]

I believe it happens, it just hasn't ever happened to me.

It only happens to me on other people's computers. Like the time I was belong a friend with a word-processing document and we ended up on a gay poem site because that was what her closeted now-ex was perusing. A lot.

 

Or the time I searched for "wigs" after realizing my auto-immune hair loss was permanent. Every trans site in the universe decided I was the target audience. Note to self: Google "cancer wigs." Gyah.

 

But overall, I've not had to deal with much yuck.

[Guest]

I believe it happens, it just hasn't ever happened to me.

I teach Pre K at church, and one night I was looking for some resources to go with the lesson. I clicked a link from a VERY innocent Google search and it led to some trash. Sick people can disguise it under innocent search terms just because they can. I've seen it happen on Instagram. There may be a word or hashtag that is popular so they use that tag on their picture. I have searched a tag for my state name and it has led to some trashy stuff.

[Lilaclady]

I have heard it happening with Pinterest and hashtags too. I don't click on hashtags and will warn my kids not to.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't dispute that, but it's funny that I never, ever have. The last time I saw porn was in my friend's garage when I was 11, looking at her dad's dirty magazines. 

 

I guess my style of web use just doesn't take me there. 

 

As I said before, I came across it HERE.

 

A crazy thing once happened some time ago.  We were watching MTV or VH1 (I cannot remember).  It was just some music video and then in cuts some graphic porn scene.  Kids were in the room.  We quickly changed the channel.  Whoa.  I don't know how that happened. 

 

What I find really nuts is people make a screamy big deal about the f-word on a TV show.  I hear about this "outrage" all the time.  I don't hear about the outrage of porn on the Internet (that is practically forced on people in the form of spam). 

[abcmommy]

Teens age 19 and 16 and no filtering software.  I am not worried.  I am certain they have looked.  We talk openly about this stuff in my home.  We discuss how its exploitive and not indicative of real relationship and not positive nd doesn't contribute to relationships and more and more.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I wonder if security software makes a difference? Not like kids blocking software but say McAfee or something. I'm like Sadie- I believe it happens- but in 20+ years on the internet I've never run across it popping up. Virus sites, yes- I accidentally mistyped CitySearch once and it was instant, but luckily from the sounds of it no porn. But we always have virus/phishing software and pop up blockers from as far back as I can remember.

 

I am wondering the same thing.  I don't even get weird items that come up under innocent search names.

[TranquilMind]

Hey at least twice I saw porn on this site.  That issue seems to have been fixed because it has not happened in a long time.  Just saying this can pop up absolutely anywhere.

 

I know, this probably does not belong in this discussion but it was sort of funny.  My younger kid once got temporarily banned from a young kid game site because he wrote "c-u-n-*" (you know the word).  This was when he was just beginning to learn how to spell.  So I was rather shocked.  Like why on earth would he type that!  He said he wanted to type the word "couldn't".  So that was his attempt at couldn't.  Oops!  He had no idea. 

 

Yeah.  I saw it once when *I* was searching for an image of George Washington, I think it was.  Seriously!  My computer is used by no one, and I can guarantee I'm not looking up porn.

 

But there it was under an innocuous school subject. 

[TranquilMind]

I teach Pre K at church, and one night I was looking for some resources to go with the lesson. I clicked a link from a VERY innocent Google search and it led to some trash. Sick people can disguise it under innocent search terms just because they can. I've seen it happen on Instagram. There may be a word or hashtag that is popular so they use that tag on their picture. I have searched a tag for my state name and it has led to some trashy stuff.

 

They are disgusting.  I've seen them too under children's subjects. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wonder if security software makes a difference? Not like kids blocking software but say McAfee or something. I'm like Sadie- I believe it happens- but in 20+ years on the internet I've never run across it popping up. Virus sites, yes- I accidentally mistyped CitySearch once and it was instant, but luckily from the sounds of it no porn. But we always have virus/phishing software and pop up blockers from as far back as I can remember.

 

I doubt it.  I have security software and a pop up blocker.  Always have.

[plansrme]

Remember back in the 80s (70s?) when there was a White House Commission on porn?  In law school, in the early 90s, I pulled the two-volume report for a research project I was working on.  At the time, the report itself was housed in a librarian's personal office, and not on the shelves, because of its explicit nature.  Anyway, I'm not even going to try to google the studies that were cited in this report, but there were numerous studies even then that exposure to porn between certain ages, like 9-13, had significant effects on the boys who were exposed to it.  It's been a while, so I don't remember the details, but there was real evidence that looking at porn at 11 is not the same thing as looking at porn at 25.  

 

But to answer the question, all of our cell phones have child-protection settings on them that we get for free through our carrier.  I have no idea how well it works.

[happypamama]

Anyone care to share some of the innocent search terms that you've used, which have led inadvertently to p*rn?  I'd like to test out how well my filter software is working.  I did test out very basic searches when I first installed the software, and I was very satisfied with how well it worked for the obvious stuff, but I would like to know if it works well for innocent searches or not.  I'd like to compare how it works for my children's accounts vs. mine (which have slightly different settings), with just opendns and not our filter software, and without any of it.  I will happily report back if anyone cares.

Edited April 16, 2016 by happypamama

[Bluegoat]

Chiming in:

 

Re:  "we looked at porn in our day..."  Yeah.  And were sneaky about it and had that feeling that we knew we could get caught ...  Actions were more public and there were eyes everywhere.  Now it is secret and without having to "go" where there are eyes.

 

Re: "kids will talk about this stuff on the playground anyway".  Ditto above.  And there will be adult eyes and adults around on a playground.  Or in a Scout troop (where my son was introduced to porn...thanks a lot, Senior Patrol Leader...)  But it is in a social setting and others *can* know what is going on.  Online is all secretive.

 

Re:  I trust my kid not to look at porn.  Fine. There are a hundred other things that can go wrong, even if your kid doesn't look at porn.  I know a kid who faced intense bullying, death threats, group shunning and so on--all online, where no adults saw what was going on.  Wrecked his life (for a while).  Wrecked his faith (because these kids were the ones leading worship services at chapel on Wednesdays).  Yeah, we used to say awful things to each other on the phone...and our parents were often within earshot or at least there was that POTENTIAL.  All of this is taking place in secret.  It's Lord of the Flies.

 

Re:  longterm effects of online porn:  check out the recent efforts by those who are part of the generation that first faced this--they are increasingly telling the stories of how they were damaged by it...and those reports are coming from all stripes--Christian, Muslim, Nones, whatever, and both male and female

 

Re: setting electronic boundaries...we set them for all of us in our house.  I can't help what goes on outside my house, but I myself don't want to see a lot of carp on my phone; I don't want to have it come to me unintentionally, and I don't want to have momentary temptation lead anyone down a path they really don't want to go down.  You might be surprised, but I block gossip sites as well as the standard stuff, because I don't think it is how I want to spend my time.  So yeah, I miss a few good jokes when a link's domain is blocked, and it is probably a harmless post at that...but I'm happier with my phone and computer bringing offensive images or words into my face.  

 

Re:  minors.  I know a counselor who deals with family counseling, and one of the things he warned me about, because of his experience (not because this was our issue--it wasn't), is that when a minor has a phone and is engaged in something like child porn (which is illegal), and the minor is living at home and mom and dad are paying for that phone/computer system/internet, it is a legal liability for the parents--the father in particular.  Because no one can really PROVE that it was the minor engaged in the illegal activity, and there have been cases where charges have been brought against the parent for a)supporting the illegal activity or b)being the main participant in the illegal activity.  That's a sobering reality, and a good enough reason to protect your family.

 

I know this post is less conversational than I usually am; I just had a bunch of responses and rather than multi-quoting I just rushed through the different points.  I don't mean to come across as despairing or alarmist--I'm not.  It's just that a lot of us moms (me, my friends) have had some eye-opening in the past few years with kids we know.  We were all good parents, we all have "good kids."  It's not about that...it's just that this generation is really the Guinea Pigs for Invasive Technological Living...and when there is a shift like that, it's better to stay away using a different past as a reassurance.  (I got used to hearing this one a lot when we were homeschooling:  "I didn't have Latin and *I* turned out OK."  Well, yeah.  But you don't know Latin.  "I looked at Playboy and I turned out OK."   Well, yeah...but maybe that's because you got caught and corrected...and maybe it would have been even better had you not looked at Playboy, and anyway, we're way past Playboy at this point.)

 

Kind regards to all...parenting is not for wimps.

 

ETA a comment above...re: the counselor.  

 

I disagree about "elder eyes" on the playground.  Maybe the school monitors are way different where you live, but they don't and never have listened to every child's conversations when they are at lunch break or recess.  There have always been plenty of secretive discussions among kids. And this doesn't apply at all when kids are out playing without adult supervision.

 

I'm not sure why people are convinced that anyone who makes any comparison to the past has no idea what is available on the internet now.

 

If the issue is a kid who might be at risk of becoming addicted to porn or really using it for sexual satisfaction, the possibility of looking privately is a big factor - it does make it easier for that to happen and more tempting.  But when the issue is more about kids just coming across it, or even looking out of curiosity, it isn't so much - a lot of it happens in relation to other kids so there is no privacy there, or it isn't on purpose so they aren't looking for privacy anyway.

[Bluegoat]

I believe it happens, it just hasn't ever happened to me. 

 

I've had it happen looking at things that I might have guessed would lead to it.  I wasn't worried if it popped up, so I didn't try and prevent it.

 

But most of the nast stuff I've seen was something that was shown or sent to me.

 

ETA - I don't have any kind of blocking software, only stuff against viruses and such.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Guest]

I disagree about "elder eyes" on the playground.  Maybe the school monitors are way different where you live, but they don't and never have listened to every child's conversations when they are at lunch break or recess.  There have always been plenty of secretive discussions among kids. And this doesn't apply at all when kids are out playing without adult supervision.

 

 (snip)

 

 

No...they can't hear every conversation.  I never did when I was an adult supervisor on the playground, and I also know that every conversation of my childhood was not overheard.  My point was that things took place in a social setting, not an isolated setting.  So while I might not have overheard the bullying conversation, I could see the tears of the bullied child.  That while my teacher did not know of the bullying of the two boys who sat on either side of me, she was present and could see my changed behavior and alert my mom, call a conference and figure out what was going on.  (Those two boys graduated a year after I did...and were nice guys by that time.)  

 

That's the difference I was trying to point out.    

[Bluegoat]

No...they can't hear every conversation.  I never did when I was an adult supervisor on the playground, and I also know that every conversation of my childhood was not overheard.  My point was that things took place in a social setting, not an isolated setting.  So while I might not have overheard the bullying conversation, I could see the tears of the bullied child.  That while my teacher did not know of the bullying of the two boys who sat on either side of me, she was present and could see my changed behavior and alert my mom, call a conference and figure out what was going on.  (Those two boys graduated a year after I did...and were nice guys by that time.)  

 

That's the difference I was trying to point out.    

 

I guess I was not thinking in terms of bullying at all, but in kids talking about sexual topics, possibly in a pretty disgusting way.  Group talk about sex (not sexting) seems almost inevitable at a certain age.

 

I do think there are issues with bullying and social media, to an extent, though probably less so than some people.  But then I am just really inclined to limit social media time on totally different grounds - I don't like it being used a lot by kids and teens even with innocent conversations..

[Guest]

I guess I was not thinking in terms of bullying at all, but in kids talking about sexual topics, possibly in a pretty disgusting way.  Group talk about sex (not sexting) seems almost inevitable at a certain age.

 

I do think there are issues with bullying and social media, to an extent, though probably less so than some people.  But then I am just really inclined to limit social media time on totally different grounds - I don't like it being used a lot by kids and teens even with innocent conversations..

 

It kind of reminds me of a story from my days as a high school teacher.  A friend told about what happened when she was substituting on an elementary playground (grades 1-6).  A child ran up to her in tears, and when my friend (Mrs. Doe) asked what was wrong, the girl said, "She said 'the B word'."  Mrs. Doe racked her brain for what could be "the B word," but came up dry.  She asked the girl, "Honey, what word did she say?"  Twisting her hands and in distress, the girl repeated herself, "YOU know, Mrs. Doe...the *B* word."  Well, my friend had to flat out ask her, "What was the word?"   "You know:  f**k!"  

 

Now that is a little bit of over-the-topness in a way, but the girl was genuinely distressed, and she had someone present to go to.  Kids today can go to someone as well, and call for help, but generally, they start from a point of greater isolation.  I think one of the most helpful things we can teach our kids is that sometimes something will come into their lives through online access that they don't quite know what to do with...and that it is OK to come and talk to us about it.  Sort of like the thing we say, "If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have had too much to drink, please don't drive.  Call me anytime from anywhere and I will come and get you.  No questions asked."  Even if the kid knows you don't want him/her drinking at ALL, that is an invitation to call for help.  

 

I think the same sort of speech needs to be made re: the world of online access:  "If you ever find yourself entangled in something online that you don't quite know what to do with, or if you ever feel unsafe or in dissonance, come and ask for help.  No judgment...but we are here to help you and we love you no matter what."  

 

I don't know if that makes any sense...and maybe people do this already.  I wish I had done a better job of it.  I didn't listen well enough to sidelong comments that could have been clues.  Hindsight being 20/20 and all...