I know it happens all the time, but it's still annoying...

[Kate in Arabia]

I met someone new today and of course the topic turned to schooling (what schools do your kids go to, etc.). I always try to be a little self-deprecating when I talk about homeschooling ("haha, yeah I know it's unusual, haha"), but somehow I still get the critique. I mean, I don't meet someone new then start criticizing their schooling choices. Where has basic cordiality gone?

 

I know it happens all the time, and I just need to pass the bean dip, but it still sours an otherwise pleasant experience.

[Zelda]

Its so wrong. I don't know what to do or say. I'm trying to teach my own kids to feel free to not say everything that's in their head. I'm still working on it too.

[Sarah CB]

I know what you mean. I even make a point of saying something positive, like, "Oh, I heard that was a fantastic school!" or, "Wow! Grade 1 - that's an exciting year!" when they tell me what their school choice is. The negative comments are homeschooling are becoming fewer and further between but I think that's because there are so many of us here. In England I had to pass the bean dip a lot more often.

[cin]

Just for once, I'd love to have the, um, nerve to say to someone..

 

You're kids go to THAT school? I can't imagine sending MY kids there. Are they meeting all the state standards. I've heard the kids from that school turn out REALLY weird. Their social skills are not at all like kids from other schools. I've also heard that their curriculum is not following state guidelines, have you checked into that?

 

Have you checked the teacher guidelines? I dont' think their teachers are all CERTIFIED. You know, to be good with children they HAVE to have advanced degrees. You can't just wake up one morning and be good with kids. I mean, look at all these moms (looking around the room). Like THEY are any good with their kids. :D

 

Yeah, that would be fun.

[Carol in Cal.]

Kind of like with vegetarians when they were still pretty unusual.

 

I remember in 1980 I had a roommate who was vegetarian, and I felt vaguely judged whenever I ate meat in her presence, even though she didn't express any condemnation or anything like that. It was in MY head that it was in HER head, and that was all I needed to feel badly.

 

So it is with those who are around rare homeschoolers--you don't have to be a jerk for them to feel judged.

 

It doesn't justify it, but it does give me some empathy for them.

 

Usually I do the same as you--praise something about their choice. Also, I really, really don't engage. If they start to act critical I usually say something cheerful like, "Well, it's working out great for our family right now. We'll see what happens down the road." And then I change the subject.

[Liz Mc in SC]

Yesterday, I stopped at newspaper subscription booth coming out of K-mart, the lady asked ds if he were "sick." He replies No, I'm home schooled. The lady continues while I'm filling out to subscribe to the paper "Well, that must be nice, if I didn't have to work a full-time job I wouldn't have to send my three kids to school either." grrrrrh. This was not said pleasantly.

 

I just have to remind myself that don't need to justify my choices to anyone, let alone a stranger. I try to remember J.A.D.E. I don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain -- I'm doing what works for us.

[Remudamom]

I can only think of one negative remark in all our 16 years. A lady in a doctor's office, (stranger, no one that actually knows me would be that stupid) grumbled about homeschoolers. My kids were sitting quietly, reading, not being in the slightest bit offensive. Lady fussed about how strange homeschooling was. When we were ready to leave she was still there, I addressed the whole room.. "Well, gotta get home and lock these kids back up in the closet!"

[Jenny in Florida]

Kind of like with vegetarians when they were still pretty unusual.

 

I remember in 1980 I had a roommate who was vegetarian, and I felt vaguely judged whenever I ate meat in her presence, even though she didn't express any condemnation or anything like that. It was in MY head that it was in HER head, and that was all I needed to feel badly.

 

So it is with those who are around rare homeschoolers--you don't have to be a jerk for them to feel judged.

 

It doesn't justify it, but it does give me some empathy for them.

 

Usually I do the same as you--praise something about their choice. Also, I really, really don't engage. If they start to act critical I usually say something cheerful like, "Well, it's working out great for our family right now. We'll see what happens down the road." And then I change the subject.

 

I've made this same analogy lots of times.

 

And you know what's really fun? Being a vegan homeschooler . . . who doesn't happen to belong to any of the major churches in town.

 

Yep. That's a veritable barrel of monkeys.

[Kate in Arabia]

You may unknowingly be giving the impression that they are allowed to question and criticize.

I wonder about that sometimes. Honestly, I started that because before I always was getting this "judgmental vibe", like if I was too positive then somehow I was being critical of their choices?

 

Of course, the crux of the complaints was socialization.. as my kids are running around playing with a bunch of kids they had just met ten minutes earlier.. :001_huh:

 

I guess it was just striking me that I don't think I would ever speak negatively towards someone's parenting choices, especially in my first time to meet them. I haven't been homeschooling long enough to know, but is this something that is getting better/worse over time?

 

But I do tend to self-deprecate, that's something I should work on...

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yesterday, I stopped at newspaper subscription booth coming out of K-mart, the lady asked ds if he were "sick." He replies No, I'm home schooled. The lady continues while I'm filling out to subscribe to the paper "Well, that must be nice, if I didn't have to work a full-time job I wouldn't have to send my three kids to school either." grrrrrh. This was not said pleasantly.

 

I just have to remind myself that don't need to justify my choices to anyone, let alone a stranger. I try to remember J.A.D.E. I don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain -- I'm doing what works for us.

 

You're calmer than I might have been. Teaching my kids is my full time job. And I gave up a 100k + military career to be able to do it.

Plus I might have decided that I didn't need to get our educational newspaper supplement from her subscription booth.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I never ever get this. I have gotten a few questions from those who did not know what homeschooling was all about, or might have known some homeschoolers who did a less than adequate job, but I never get criticism or questioned like I'm getting the 3rd degree. Homeschooling is not really popular around here, either because we do have pretty good schools.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I wonder about that sometimes. Honestly, I started that because before I always was getting this "judgmental vibe", like if I was too positive then somehow I was being critical of their choices?

 

Of course, the crux of the complaints was socialization.. as my kids are running around playing with a bunch of kids they had just met ten minutes earlier.. :001_huh:

 

I guess it was just striking me that I don't think I would ever speak negatively towards someone's parenting choices, especially in my first time to meet them. I haven't been homeschooling long enough to know, but is this something that is getting better/worse over time?

 

But I do tend to self-deprecate, that's something I should work on...

 

Kate,

 

I'm not sure exactly what circles you're hanging with in UAE. I did find that with the expat/international/diplomatic/upper class folks that populated the international schools in Germany there was a sense of protectiveness, competition and defensiveness about their school choices.

If one family had their kids at the British international school (with its A and O exam preps) it implied a critique of the state run bilingual school (with its Abitur). If someone was at the newer international school in the state just over the city limits (that had an American curriculum), then it implied a critique of international school that was in town (that had had several changes of principal). And that is before you even mix in school choices with a pedagogical attitude like Montessori, Waldorf, religious or homeschooling.

I always had to try to listen to what the real question was. Were they just looking for a commonality? Were they looking for a school recommendation? Were they looking for affirmation of their own family's choice.

And I did find that the less deprecating I was about homeschooling the less I was questioned. I tried to stay positive about homeschooling, open about how it was a great option for us and also inquisitive about cool things that their kids were involved in (were they in sports, had they done a cool school trip, what museums did they like in town).

Don't let it get you down. You didn't make the choice to homeschool in order to please or impress them anyway.

[Sarah CB]

Just for once, I'd love to have the, um, nerve to say to someone..

 

You're kids go to THAT school? I can't imagine sending MY kids there. Are they meeting all the state standards. I've heard the kids from that school turn out REALLY weird. Their social skills are not at all like kids from other schools. I've also heard that their curriculum is not following state guidelines, have you checked into that?

 

Have you checked the teacher guidelines? I dont' think their teachers are all CERTIFIED. You know, to be good with children they HAVE to have advanced degrees. You can't just wake up one morning and be good with kids. I mean, look at all these moms (looking around the room). Like THEY are any good with their kids. :D

 

Yeah, that would be fun.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Ohio12]

I am just starting out but we get questions A LOT because all DD's peers and friends are starting K this year and they ask her (or me) about it. Also we are in a bad school district so everyone asks everyone what school they go to.

 

Anyway, so far I just try to remember in my head that we have THE BEST situation ever! I get to educate dd at her level on my timetable. Our time is our own, dd #2 has her playmate etc etc. I just pretend it is my best kept little secret that we are doing this. I also pretend that everyone is jealous that I get to do this and that I can because I think more people would do it if they thought they could do it well.

[Osmosis Mom]

I always sort of say that we homeschool, but you know, everyone has to make the best choice for their children and there are good things and bad things about every choice. All in one breath. That seems to make people feel less defensive about their choices (and I am here usually speaking to the same sub-group that I imagine Kate does so I sort of know where they are coming from).

 

The biggest shocker for people meeting me is that wow, YOU have seven children (in a demographics of two children, sadly enough) so when I say I homeschool they are already lost and have crossed me off their list of potential friends anyways, LOL! Well, sadly, LOL!!

[PinkInTheBlue]

I would say I'm very positive but not evangelical about homeschooling in my responses. I try not to provide a door for criticism. However, when the few, proud and the stubborn try to share their nags with me, my "pass the bean dip" response is "Well, it's working great for us. Have a great day." and head out or tune out. Some people just have to get their opinions in and can't get it into their heads that the world does not and will not agree with them all the time! LOL

[TraceyS/FL]

I can only think of one negative remark in all our 16 years. A lady in a doctor's office, (stranger, no one that actually knows me would be that stupid) grumbled about homeschoolers. My kids were sitting quietly, reading, not being in the slightest bit offensive. Lady fussed about how strange homeschooling was. When we were ready to leave she was still there, I addressed the whole room.. "Well, gotta get home and lock these kids back up in the closet!"

 

One of the FEW negatives we have ever gotten in this area was from the nurse at the doctors office.

 

You know, the doctor that homeschools..... and thinks its great..... and his nurse was against it???? :confused: I'm still perplexed over that....

 

Overall, we get positive remarks - even from the staff at the school we go to for speech for the 4yo twice a week. Most people tell us they are jealous - they wish they could do that for their kids.

[Kate in Arabia]

I always sort of say that we homeschool, but you know, everyone has to make the best choice for their children and there are good things and bad things about every choice. All in one breath. That seems to make people feel less defensive about their choices (and I am here usually speaking to the same sub-group that I imagine Kate does so I sort of know where they are coming from).

 

You know, this is kind of where I tried to go with it, lol, once I figured out that they weren't just politely inquiring for the sake of small-talk. In retrospect, I think in this particular instance "defensive" could have been part of it, they mentioned that they had homeschooled before. I guess it did not work out for them, and I could tell that some of their complaints were child-specific, kwim? A friend was sitting with us (who doesn't homeschool, and in fact is a teacher herself) and was saying, "oh, but her kids aren't like that", lol.

 

I usually have good luck using your line above (if I can get it all out in one breath); I was lulled into complacency by a seemingly innocuous thread of inquiry...

 

Such a range of responses I get, from "that's great" to "that's terrible", I don't get too many that are noncommittal. But I need to not dwell on it, I'm bad at internalizing and fretting. It wasn't a pleasant summer in this regard (complaints from parents/inlaws), so maybe I'm still touchy from that.

[Osmosis Mom]

You know, this is kind of where I tried to go with it, lol, once I figured out that they weren't just politely inquiring for the sake of small-talk. In retrospect, I think in this particular instance "defensive" could have been part of it, they mentioned that they had homeschooled before. I guess it did not work out for them, and I could tell that some of their complaints were child-specific, kwim? A friend was sitting with us (who doesn't homeschool, and in fact is a teacher herself) and was saying, "oh, but her kids aren't like that", lol.

 

I usually have good luck using your line above (if I can get it all out in one breath); I was lulled into complacency by a seemingly innocuous thread of inquiry...

 

Such a range of responses I get, from "that's great" to "that's terrible", I don't get too many that are noncommittal. But I need to not dwell on it, I'm bad at internalizing and fretting. It wasn't a pleasant summer in this regard (complaints from parents/inlaws), so maybe I'm still touchy from that.

 

Kate, poor thing. I recently met a sister who seemed very calm and all until she told me she had been homeschooling and it just did not work since really the kids (teens) needed more interaction and to see the world. Gulp. I was again putting on my diplomatic face while my dd was trying to engage her ps'ed dd in a conversation...!!

 

Hope you recover from being with the in-laws. I think basically people don't get us. At least I got one off to college, so I am carrying around one less chip on my shoulder and a big grin of "I-told-you-so", hehhehe.

[Binalina]

Just for once, I'd love to have the, um, nerve to say to someone..

 

You're kids go to THAT school? I can't imagine sending MY kids there. Are they meeting all the state standards. I've heard the kids from that school turn out REALLY weird. Their social skills are not at all like kids from other schools. I've also heard that their curriculum is not following state guidelines, have you checked into that?

 

Have you checked the teacher guidelines? I dont' think their teachers are all CERTIFIED. You know, to be good with children they HAVE to have advanced degrees. You can't just wake up one morning and be good with kids. I mean, look at all these moms (looking around the room). Like THEY are any good with their kids. :D

 

 

 

Yeah, that would be fun.

 

 

:iagree::lol:

[Mom to Aly]

Well, I am a vegetarian, and I don't try to make others feel bad about their choices, I feel it is their right (even if it is totally inhumane ;) ).

 

As for homeschooling--most people I meet are very encouraging, especially once they speak with my daughter, who is ultra mature, obviously bright, articulate, and years ahead. But, even if they are not, I am quite vocal about why I chose to homeschool, and not in the least self-depracating, and I feel you should go ahead and let people know why too, if you feel so inclined. Let's face it; there is a neg image of lots of hsers, lots of public schools suck, and the more informed the public is, the better :).

 

I did meet one woman, a couple of years ago, at a b'day party, of all things, who was horrible. The b'day boy was homeschooled, and this woman was the mom of the only kids who were not. They were horrible--rude, obnoxious, pushed, hit, called names--all the others kids were stunned and horrified. This woman was basically the same, without the hitting (although at one point I was a bit fearful ;) ). She sat next to me, and the first thing she said was (we lived in the same school district): "I know you cannot be hsing for academic reasons, with our wonderful school, so why in the world are you?". It was horrible, no matter what I said, she fought it, loudly, rudely, and obnoxiously. I didn't want to get into a huge fight with her, but what I really wanted to do was sit on her, stuff a huge piece of cake in her mouth to finally shut her up and tell her what I really thought.

 

Instead, I took the high road, ignored her, got up as soon as I could, and ran for the hills.

 

I have never, ever let anyone treat me like that again--and never will. I now come armed with an attitude, statistics and the fastest mouth in the south ;).

[*anj*]

Quit pre-apologizing for homeschooling. You may unknowingly be giving the impression that they are allowed to question and criticize. Confidence will shut down, at least the more timid ones, before they start.

 

This is what I was going to say!

Why bother with the self deprecating comments? You are happy with your choice, it works for your family, it is a personal decision, and it's not weird or out of the mainstream or unheard of. Well, maybe it is in Arabia, but still...they can tell that you're American, so...

 

I cannot emphasize enough how far self confidence goes in situations like this. Be proud, Kate! :001_smile:

[*anj*]

 

But I do tend to self-deprecate, that's something I should work on...

 

Ooops! Oh well, I'm glad to see this. :D

[keptwoman]

The worst comment we got was right at the beginning. C had been homeschooled for about a month and he had made his own Homeschool t-shirt which he was proudly wearing. Then this woman asked him about school, he said he was homeschooled which launched a tirade on socialisation blah blah blah. Of course I was a total newbie so I didn't shut her down like I would these days. Poor boy put a sweater on right over his shirt and got really quiet :(