Half-sibling relationships after divorce?

[phathui5]

Here's our situation: Ds1 has a different biological father than our other three children. Xh signed to have dh adopt ds1. He has been absent from ds' life since he was six months old. We have been divorced for six and a half years. Ds1 has always known dh as his "dad."

 

Xh has a toddler now, who is ds' half-brother.

 

I have four half-siblings myself. I didn't meet one of my sisters until I was 13. I always resented that my mom didn't tell me about her sooner. I regret not knowing my two oldest half-siblings. (I met them once when I was a baby).

 

At this point, ds doesn't know that he has a half-brother. I would like him to know and have the option to meet him, but I don't know how realistic that is and how xh and dh would feel about it. I don't want him to feel like I did, like there are siblings out there that he doesn't get to know.

 

Xh is currently a single parent and the child is a toddler, so contact with him would neccesitate contact with xh. This isn't something that dh or I are comfortable with. But I don't want to keep ds from meeting his half-brother because I'm uncomfortable; that's what my mom did to me.

 

How do you handle half-sibling relationships, particularly when there is no contact/relationship with the other biological parent?

[Anne]

I don't know about contact - only you and your dh can determine whether that would be a good idea or not. But telling ds about his half-brother would be a lot easier now than it will be when he is 13 or older....

 

:grouphug:

 

Anne

[Carol in Cal.]

one is the information, and the other is the relationship.

 

I would vote for telling him early and often. But the relationship should only be pursued if it is really in his and the other child's best interest. You have to be the judge of that. Will you be able to support their relationship and keep it safe and healthy with your XH? Will your X use this against you, or pull back suddenly and get your DS all upset? I think that it's best to figure these out, really picture what having this relationship would look and feel like, before pursuing it.

[cathmom]

So ,are you saying that your son doesn't know that your dh is not his bio father?

[Laura Corin]

I would tell him about his half brother now, even if he doesn't get to meet him.

 

Laura

[Kathy in MD]

My ds is adopted with 2 half-siblings adopted by 2 other families in the area. We've always spoken of them and his adoption as he grew up, even though he has had very little contact with them. By casual mentioning, he's just accepted it.

 

However, he also accepts that he's an only child, because that's the family unit he's been raised in. Half-siblings are genetic. Only-child status is day-to-day living, "real" family life.

[Carrie12345]

We have many half- and step-sibling relationships in our family, and they all operate differently. There are so many factors that come in to play that I can't imagine there being a "right" way to handle things.

 

You're the only one who really knows how much information your child can handle, and how much controversy you're willing to allow into your home. Talking about it today could result in a mess of emotions. Keeping quiet and talking about it down the line could result in a different mess of emotions.

 

I will say that the best blended family relationships in our tree are the ones where there is a solid relationship with the parent(s). Ds is quite proud of being a big brother to 5 kids, regardless of their biology.

Those of us who have to sneak around others to connect with siblings are much more stressed out!

[Annie G]

I'm all for telling your ds that he has a half brother out there. But I would tread carefully because he *might* wonder why his bio dad 'wants' this kid but not him. It has nothing to do with what a great dad your dh is, and it may very well not even be an issue because your ds is young, in a stable home, and not attending school where many of his classmates would likely turned over to non custodial parents on the weekends.

Tough situation you're in...but ds is young and the sib is even younger, so you have some time to work this out. Doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

My father was married before he met my mother. He had two children from that marriage. The marriage between my dad and his ex ended because she was seeing another man, who she eventually married and treated her kids like crap. I did not find out about them until I was a young adult. My parents and I did have to work through some anger issues at the time I found out. But I now understand WHY they didn't tell me.

 

I was shocked when I met them. They told me all kinds of terrible lies about my father. They made it out that he just left them high and dry. The truth was he left their mother with a nice home complete with swimming pool and several grand. He tried to send money and things for his children and they were refused. When one of my half siblings was having problems at home, my father moved her out to where my parents were living and bought her a brand new Fiat convertible, offered to pay for college etc. This half sibling ended up on cocaine and stealing from him, so my father took back the car and told her she was on her own and she is resentful towards him for it. She now has a failed marriage and no career last I heard. The other half sibling has like 8 kids but no job. He makes his wife work like a dog and continues to impregnate her despite the fact they can not provide for the kids they have. He refused anything my father ever tried to do to help those kids, because my father was smart enough not to send him money. All this I found out from another member of my father's family. My father had too much class to bad mouth his own biological offspring.

 

When I met them they tired to be so super nice to me. It turns out what they wanted was a piece of my dad's pie when he died. They wanted to use me and try to get me mad at my mother and father in order to get their "revenge". We might share some of the same DNA but these people are not part of my family. My dd will never meet them.

 

I would tell my child about this, but I would make it totally clear that he should not expect any kind of brother sister relationship. Not that it can't happen, but I would make sure my kid watched his back.

[Sarah CB]

 

However, he also accepts that he's an only child, because that's the family unit he's been raised in. Half-siblings are genetic. Only-child status is day-to-day living, "real" family life.

 

 

:iagree: We have adoptions in our family as well and don't place a high value on "biology". Your family are the people who love you and care for you and are involved in your life. It's about relationships.

 

That being said, it's certainly possible to develop a relationship with a half-sib from another family and have them become your family as well. I would question whether that would be beneficial or potentially harmful. In our situation we've chosen not to pursue a relationship with half-sibs from the biological family post-adoption. There's no reason to (in our opinion) and for our kids - their sibs are the ones they say goodnight to each evening and learn with during the day.

[kalanamak]

There is a difference between "uncomfortable" because of hurt and disappointment and because of abuse or illegal activity (not nice vs. dangerous).

 

Although I started with kiddo at 4 not 7, we have a picture of kiddo's two grown half-sibs up, and mention them conversationally. When I first told him, he immediately said "when are they coming to visit" and when I told him they didn't want to come, he literally jumped up on his chair and shouted "then we must go to them". I dreaded this turning into an issue with him, but it didn't, and he seems to calmly accept that he has two sisters out there in the world that just don't live in our town and whom he may or may not meet. We did, last year, "cover up" the fact one was in town and wanted to see her father but not her half-brother, so he was left behind.

 

By growing up with the knowledge, I think it is "grown into" like having very red hair or a birthmark. It may be a bit "different" but not painful.

 

Is there anyone else you have a good relationship who can sound the situation out? Does xh have a sib you are on speaking terms with? What about your son's grandparents. I would do a bit of background work before telling kiddo, so you can be forthright with the facts. For me, it involves finally getting into the "that's just the way it is" with kiddo (e.g. as an answer as to why they won't see him), because he's too young, IMO, to be introduced to religious intolerance on a personal level (we are discussing the conflict between Shi-ites and Sunnis as her hears it on my radio). I have also found "I don't know" is an honest and effective answer, much as I am loathe to admit it!

 

If your xh is not actually dangerous, just unpleasant, but you really can't bear any contact, I'd consider finding out this child's birthday and letting your son send presents. My son loves picking out the books to send his (unmet) nephew, and now we hear there is a second nibling, but don't even know the sex or DOB. Because he talks about these people, I know he already has them in his heart, which is sufficient for now.

[torikei]

I find that it's much easier to start telling the story as young as possible. The story should be age appropriate, but truthful. Our five children have a wide variety of stories--some are VERY complicated. We try to tell their stories in words they understand including details that are appropriate for their ages. Bombshells are very hard on families--especially if the children involved are teenagers.

 

We visit regularly with one of my son's biological brothers. It's a good situation but can be complicated as we are very different families. If the situation weren't healthy for my son I wouldn't hesitate to limit or end contact. There's a book that helped me a lot. The title is Lifebooks. The author is Beth O Malley-- I believe. It was especially beneficial when it came to how to explain various tough situations in positive terms a child can understand.

 

Good luck,

Tori

[phathui5]

So ,are you saying that your son doesn't know that your dh is not his bio father?

 

He does know. Dh talked to him about it a couple months ago. Ds thinks of dh as his dad and wants to go forward with the legal adoption.