whitestavern Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My dad died 3 years ago this December. My mom seems to be getting worse with time. In the beginning she was part of a grief group of widows and widowers. The moderator of the group left and it pretty much disbanded. She has a male "friend" she met who she spends time with, but he is much older. While she enjoys the male company, he does not make her laugh (my dad was a very funny man) and there are other characteristics she doesn't like. She seems to be grieving more now than she has since my dad's death, and I am unsure what to do or how to help her. I have suggested counseling and she claims they will only want to put her on meds, which she has no interest in. I have given her all sorts of suggestions and she shuts me down on every one. I am at a complete loss as to how to help her. Has anyone gone through something similar? Is there anything I can do to help her? She keeps very busy, but she feels like no matter what she does, all she sees are happy and in love couples everywhere she goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 How old is your mom? Does she have a job? Working a lot has really helped my mom through the years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my dad five years ago and really sympathize with both losing a parent and having a grieving parent. I had a friend who was widowed and in her 70s tell me that three years was a hard mark - that that's when she really had to come to terms with not being someone's wife or part of a couple - that widow is an identity you can't build a life around, but just being, "Sue" felt weird and sad ... And permanent. I think that was true for my mom too. Her friends were all going away with their husband on awesome trips and doing things she would have been doing with my Dad. She didn't want to do them alone or with anyone else. She actually was very weepy at that point. I am not sure what you can do since she won't do the things she maybe needs to. Just love her and let her mourn, and maybe try to get her out and about doing things. Talking can only go so far. I think distraction has often been better with my Mom. Again, I am so sorry. I wish I had a great answer for you:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 She is 75. She used to work part time. She is in very good health, but does get neck and back issues when she is either at a desk or on her feet for long periods. I think a part time job might be good. I'm just not sure what she could do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Will it help her to know that only a MD can prescribe meds? Psychiatrist, yes, but not a therapist. Has she gotten a good medical checkup lately? Rule out thyroid and vitamin D and all that jazz. My mom was a mess when her husband died. She refused everything. She met a new guy and dove right in with him. Thankfully he's a decent fellow, and they've been together longer than any of her other marriages. Therapy might've really helped her, but she NEEDS a partner. It must be very tough on you as you're grieving too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Maybe her friend is stressful and it's not really grief from your father's death. Perhaps getting a life separate from her friend 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Does your mom live near you? Does she enjoy spending time with you and your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Maybe her friend is stressful and it's not really grief from your father's death. Perhaps getting a life separate from her friend I was thinking the same thing. Maybe this older man is dragging your mom down. She may need to be with people who are more lighthearted and fun. Even if the man means well, he may simply not measure up to your dad, and your mom may feel like she is stuck with him because she isn't all that interested in getting out there and trying to make new friends. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 She does enjoy spending time with us, but it's super hard for her to be around couples :( And we live an hour away. She has a very busy life, which she did before my dad, but I think since he passed she tries to fill her time so she's not so lonely. She has broken it off with this "friend" several times, yet keeps going back. He is very nice and treats her well, very intelligent, etc. I think she feels like he is better than nothing. When she has broken it off in the past, she is overcome with loneliness and goes back to him. Not very healthy, I'm sure. But again, it's so hard for me to know what to say or do to advise her. That's why I feel like a therapist would help. I just can't seem to get her to see that :( I just want her to be happy. I tell her to try to find other, younger men. She keeps saying the men her age are only interested in one thing--ugh--and would rather be with younger women. I'm not sure if that is accurate but that is how she feels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 The only thing a person has to do in this world is live and die; everything else is optional, including meds that a doctor pushes. Can you suggest the therapist aqain, emphasizing that she gets the veto power over whether to accept the meds suggestion? She can even switch docs if she feels her wishes are not being respected. As far as a job goes, can she do volunteer work for short periods of time? Perhaps reading at the local elementary school, being a "cuddler" for babies in long-term hospital care, or working at the local soup kitchen? My dad died 3 years ago this December. My mom seems to be getting worse with time. In the beginning she was part of a grief group of widows and widowers. The moderator of the group left and it pretty much disbanded. She has a male "friend" she met who she spends time with, but he is much older. While she enjoys the male company, he does not make her laugh (my dad was a very funny man) and there are other characteristics she doesn't like. She seems to be grieving more now than she has since my dad's death, and I am unsure what to do or how to help her. I have suggested counseling and she claims they will only want to put her on meds, which she has no interest in. I have given her all sorts of suggestions and she shuts me down on every one. I am at a complete loss as to how to help her. Has anyone gone through something similar? Is there anything I can do to help her? She keeps very busy, but she feels like no matter what she does, all she sees are happy and in love couples everywhere she goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 In my experience, 5 years is when things start to improve. Also, the best cure if she isn't interested in meds or therapy is simply fun distractions. I'm very sorry for her grief. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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