Teens and their friends with depression - advice needed

[Susan in TN]

Dd16 has a friend from a class who suffers from fairly severe depression. He is under the care of a psychiatrist and on medication. Outside of class, dd generally talks with him over facebook messaging(?) almost daily. The issue I am concerned about is that every couple of weeks, her friend sends her a message something along the lines of "bye, have a nice life" which sends dd into a complete panic and she will spend the next few hours (or however long it takes) to get a hold of him. Typically she ends up getting a hold of his mom to make sure he is OK. Mom will usually say that yes, he had a hard day, but he is OK now and safe, and she thanks dd for being a friend.

 

This is taking a toll on dd emotionally. She doesn't sleep well because of worry, and will spend the next several days after an "episode" messaging him frequently to make sure he is OK and generally to assure him that she is still his friend. Dd has been reading from online websites (teen suicide hotline, teen depression, etc.) to try to learn more about the issue so she can be a good friend to him.

 

I am glad that dd wants to be this boy's friend (there is nothing romantic going on) and encourage him. I am just worried that she is not able to handle the emotional stress. I remind her that her friend's parents are there and, from what we can tell, are taking steps to help him.

 

I guess I am just wondering if there is anything else she or I can do to help her deal with these situations.

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't know.  My oldest dd has/had a friend that was severely depressed and had even attempted suicide a couple of times.  For HER mental health, I had to encourage her to distance herself.  He has kind of dropped out of the picture now since he stopped volunteering at the same place she does.  She worried SO much about him, and it stressed her out that there was really nothing she could do to help his situation.  We had the added issue of the fact that some of his stories didn't always add up, so we never knew when he was genuinely having trouble, or if he was lying.  So stressful for anyone.  

I eventually had to tell her that while I felt horrible for her friend, my priority was HER mental health.  As a mother, I felt like she needed to put some space in there.  We also had several talks about how if the worst did happen, that it was in no way her fault.  That was my biggest fear was that she would end up feeling responsible for his actions.  

[clementine]

Your dd needs to know that people with depression/suicidal thoughts are also capable of using threats to keep people close to them.  This is emotional blackmail.  Your dd also needs to know that she is not responsible for the choices that another person makes. When people get sucked in to the blackmail threats, it only reinforces the blackmailing behavior. 

Not all people who threaten suicide WILL take their own life, but she has to realize that she is not responsible for his actions....as hard as that may be.  

Her first step is to really know that his decisions are not her fault - that is the biggest, IMO.  

 

[Orthodox6]

 

Your dd needs to know that people with depression/suicidal thoughts are also capable of using threats to keep people close to them.  This is emotional blackmail.  Your dd also needs to know that she is not responsible for the choices that another person makes. When people get sucked in to the blackmail threats, it only reinforces the blackmailing behavior. 

Not all people who threaten suicide WILL take their own life, but she has to realize that she is not responsible for his actions....as hard as that may be.  

Her first step is to really know that his decisions are not her fault - that is the biggest, IMO.  

 

 

:iagree:

 

He uses her as "a crutch." 

 

I am not insensitive to his genuine distress.  I was born with major depression, which showed from toddlerdom onward.  No intervention of any kind was made available to me (because it was many decades ago, when kids did not receive help).  Mercifully, I never have been suicidal, and I never have manipulated those around me because of the illness.  Many people do, however, most possibly because it is a coping mechanism and a cycle which must be broken.

 

Clementine is right.

[Anne in CA]

This IS stressful, I would consider taking your dd to see someone who could give her some good coping tips. A youth pastor or someone who deals with this sort of situation should have some good tips on how to be loving without making yourself insane. I think it is worth learning to be his friend without getting manipulated, because life is full of times when you need empathy with needy people, but want to spare yourself too much heartache.

[Orthodox6]

Sixteen also is a hard age to be exposed to all of this. During my sophomore year in PS, a friend of mine (male, but just a friend) was very depressed but did not verbalize it explicitly. When he committed suicide, it hit me very hard. That same year, the father of a girl whom I had known well since the age of five, shot himself in the head. Also that same year, the mother of another [girl] friend committed suicide via carbon monoxide built up in the garage. It was a horrible, horrible year when I was sixteen.

 

I am glad that your daughter confides in you.

[JFSinIL]

I would contact the other parent and tell her what her son is posting to your teen, and how it is upsetting her so much.  The other mom needs to help her son understand that he should not be alarming his friend so much (unless it is a real cry for help to stop a suicide) since 1. it is not fair to upset a sensitive friend that much and 2. what if it becomes  a case of "crying wolf" once too often, and then the time he does (God forbid) really need to reach out....no one takes it seriously.  I doubt he is in a position to  realize this himself

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Just another thought - tell your daughter that she is to tell YOU whenever he posts like that - and that YOU will contact the other parent to make sure he is safe.  She is too young to have to deal with this on her own.

[Rebel Yell]

I don't know.  My oldest dd has/had a friend that was severely depressed and had even attempted suicide a couple of times.  For HER mental health, I had to encourage her to distance herself.  He has kind of dropped out of the picture now since he stopped volunteering at the same place she does.  She worried SO much about him, and it stressed her out that there was really nothing she could do to help his situation.  We had the added issue of the fact that some of his stories didn't always add up, so we never knew when he was genuinely having trouble, or if he was lying.  So stressful for anyone.  

 

I eventually had to tell her that while I felt horrible for her friend, my priority was HER mental health.  As a mother, I felt like she needed to put some space in there.  We also had several talks about how if the worst did happen, that it was in no way her fault.  That was my biggest fear was that she would end up feeling responsible for his actions.  

 

:grouphug:

 

We had to do a similar thing. One of mine was so upset by the threats and messages from this new aquaintance that for a time MINE was in worse shape emoptionally than the one with the original issues. :glare:

 

[Catherine]

Oh, have my boys BTDT. In fact I posted 2 years ago about my son's friend who committed suicide and the devastation she left in her wake.  Bpth of my older boys have had friends who've been depressed, AND who've involved other people, to some extent, in their distress by making suicide threats, "disappearing" for periods of time, etc.  

 

Since my boys, unfortunately, themselves have BOTH had depression, and I know they have not done this, I feel totally comfortable, in fact I think I feel compelled, to make sure they understand that they are not responsible for anyone else's choices, they are not obligated to be listening ears for kids who repeatedly frighten them and repeatedly make my sons their "therapists".  It's just plain wrong for anyone to use another person this way.  

 

I think navigating these kinds of issues is challenging, but it is a matter of boundaries.  A matter of personal responsibility.  No kid should be left feeling responsible when someone kills themselves.  My son will have to live with the knowledge that he tried, but was unable, to save a life, and I'm sure he will never completely get over the pain.  I just wish he had been able to set limits on his friend so that he wasn't the one to hear and have to cope with her suicide threat.  

[Susan in TN]

Thank you all. I talked with dd this evening and (as gently as I could) explained the issue of emotional blackmail and the fact that she is not responsible for the actions of other people - even those whose minds are not functioning correctly. She admitted to me that she does feel a huge burden of responsibility whenever anyone is having problems. I suggested that we could set up a meeting with our pastor, who is also licensed counselor, and see if he has any advice on how to deal with this, or could suggest another person to talk with, and dd agreed that it would be a good idea.

 

I am glad you suggested talking to the mom as well - I don't really know her, but at the very least we can make sure she is aware and maybe even get suggestions on how to best communicate.

[Katy]

I went through something similar with a boyfriend I had as a teen.  I later stumbled upon a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells and learned it probably wasn't just depression, it probably was a personality disorder.  I also highly recommend Boundaries because if your daughter wasn't extraordinarily compassionate she wouldn't have stayed friends with this boy for this long. I would order both books for her, read them together or read them apart, and then talk about them.  They were life changing for me.

[Plink]

I had a friend like that.  For my own health I had to tell her that anytime she sent a cryptic message I would forward it to her mom so that she could get the help she needed, and that I would then wait for her to call me when she was feeling better.  

 

It worked.  Her habit of crisis disappeared.  She is still a dear friend.  (ETA: her despair was real, and she was receiving treatment for it.  The "pay attention to me immediately" cryptic messages are what disappeared)

 

Tell your daughter that it is absolutely okay to be friends with someone suffering and not discuss the topic every time they are together.

[Susan in TN]

I had a friend like that. For my own health I had to tell her that anytime she sent a cryptic message I would forward it to her mom so that she could get the help she needed, and that I would then wait for her to call me when she was feeling better.

 

It worked. Her habit of crisis disappeared. She is still a dear friend. (ETA: her despair was real, and she was receiving treatment for it. The "pay attention to me immediately" cryptic messages are what disappeared)

 

Tell your daughter that it is absolutely okay to be friends with someone suffering and not discuss the topic every time they are together.

Thank you for this...I will share with dd and I think even though she has "promised not to tell", she will see this as a very positive step to take. The "not telling" part is a mute point at any rate, since we have contacted the mother several times already when she is in a panic over the situation.