What do you do....CC....when

[Joules]

Any chance that your mom or dad were military? My dad was called up from the Guard in the early 50s even though he never went overseas. He didn't serve long enough for VA benefits, but it was enough for a little known program called Aid and Attendence. It would have covered Mom, too. It depends on income, but is worth looking up if either one was military. (Dad only served three months full time.)

 

Hang in there. I know it is so hard. I'm sandwiched between eldercare and trying to launch a hser to college. The emotional, financial, and physical toll are enormous. People here are right, it does make it hard to think of any solutions, because the brain is completely used up.

 

Get as much help as you can. I did lean on professionals to help with answers. Join an eldercare group. If your mom has hospice or home health care, contact the company and see if they have a counselor or chaplain to help caregivers. This service was free to me with Mom's hospice. Contact the hospital to ask about support. Contact your own insurance about counseling (even if you don't have depression, often you can still see a counselor to help you deal with the enormous amount of stress you are dealing with.) We can't see the whole picture, but someone closer might see other answers. Be honest about how bad it is. And be honest with yourself, you may just be too wrung out to see or carry out a solution. You need help. I know ...I've been there.

[Jenny in Florida]

I haven't been in your exact situation. However, I have had times when my life circumstances felt intolerable to me and I saw no way out. So, I think I can relate to some degree.

 

First, I'm sorry life is so hard for you right now. It does sound like a very difficult place to be. And I completely understand how miserable it can be to make choices that seem like the best or only ones and then feel trapped by the consequences of those choices.

 

With that said, since you asked what I do when I feel that way, my answer is that I make a change. Often a drastic one. It's not easy, and the results are often -- usually -- not what I expected or hoped for, but I feel better when I take control and get moving.

 

In your situation, I do think the first thing I would do is get myself to my doctor and discuss my emotional issues. You're in extremely difficult circumstances, coping with a lot, and it's completely normal to be struggling. Your doctor might well be able to help or to refer to you someone who can.

 

You mentioned that one of your daughters is in school full time and working part time. How much longer will she be in school? Sometimes, for me, knowing that a difficult situation is time-limited, that there is an end in sight, makes it possible to keep my head down and keep moving towards that goal. Can you make a plan for the next two years, or whatever the time is, that includes how you will transition to the next phase once she graduates?

 

Have you investigated what, if any, government assistance you might qualify for? You mentioned welfare. I would absolutely check out that possibility, if I were you, as well as food stamps or anything else I qualified for that might help me stretch my income a bit. I would then start squirreling away whatever little bits of money I could, with the goal of using it as a moving fund.

 

You parents are elderly, and you clearly need more help than you are getting to care for them. This is not a temporary situation. They will continue to get older and more frail. What is the long-term plan for their care? In the process of researching how to deal with that question, you might find resources that would be helpful to your family now.

 

Are there any agencies or non-profits in your area that would help out with occasional respite care so that you could get out and catch your breath? If so, you could use some of that time to come up with an answer to the question above.

 

I agree with others that you don't need to limit your options for socializing to groups intended for single people. Think about what your own interests are, and try to connect with a group focused on one of those. That will be your best bet for finding compatible, interesting people, as well as feeding your brain and heart. I also agree that trying to connect with a support group for care-givers could be very valuable to you.

 

In your situation, I think I would look really hard at the question of what my daughters and I need, as opposed to what we like having for our comfort. For example, I, personally, would look very carefully at whether we really needed two cars. Would it be possible to carpool and/or use public transportation so that we could get by with just one car for a year or two? Could I combine getting rid of one of the cars (thereby also saving on insurance) with moving closer to my job? Close enough to walk? What about my daughter's college? Her job? Anything that would make it feasible to get by with one car for the time being and free up enough of my income to pay rent.

 

For the record, I know that you're finding it frustrating to hear people keep suggesting you move out when you've said it's not possible. I will admit that my own bias is that I hate the word "can't." My own daughter struggles with depression and anxiety, and she sometimes gets stuck in "I hate this, but I can't change it" mode. So, I know it's hard to see options when you are in the middle of that. However, I find it helpful to realize that there are always choices. Most -- or all -- of them may not be good choices. None of them may be easy or simple choices. All of them may have downsides and dangers of their own. But the choices are there. I always tell my kids that everything we do is a choice, a decision to do this thing and not those other things. So, the key is to make the decision you can live with best.

 

I've moved more than once with nothing more than a couple of paychecks in my pocket and as much stuff as I could fit in my car. I've lived without a car for a couple of years when the one I bought was repossessed (after my parents offered to help out with my car loan and then didn't make the payments for months) and the engine of the clunker I bought for $500 caught fire. I've lived in more than one "apartment" in which my "kitchen" was a shelf with a two-burner hot plate and a toaster oven and I had to do dishes in the bathtub (which was also where I did my laundry). None of it was easy, but I took comfort in knowing I was in control of my own life.

 

In your case, I would just remind you that remaining in your parents' home and putting up with your current situation is a choice. You made the choices that led you there, because they seemed like the best options at the moment. And you decide every day to stay there, because, for now, it seems like the best choice you have. That's a perfectly valid decision to make, as long as it works for you.

 

When it doesn't, then you have to make the choice to change it. I'm not saying it's easy, but is it harder than what you're already doing?

 

The point is that you do have the power to make the decision.

[Tree Frog]

When I feel stuck in a situation and don't feel like I can do anything about it, I try making very small changes in my life, even if they don't seem to have anything to do with the circumstance I'd like to change. Somehow that's empowering to me. When I've made a couple of small changes, I find I can look at things a little differently and see other changes to make. They change my point of view just a little bit. Sometimes those small changes feel like a huge risk and it's really hard to do. I haven't been in your situation, but perhaps this might help you a little.

[Crimson Wife]

When is the lease on the car up?

 

When does your younger daughter graduate?

 

It will take time to get any assistance programs for you, your mom, and/or your disabled daughter in place (sometimes months and months). I would use this time to figure out an exit strategy for your current situation. Knowing that I'm working towards a better situation for myself and my family helps me cope when the present stinks.

 

I can't change what my little one's body does or whether she's got a gene that will leave her not just deaf but will also rob her of her sight (fortunately there's only a 6% chance of that being the case). I can't change DH's pay or whether the rumors of a possible takeover might come true, which could put him out of a job yet again. Forget the Sword of Damocles, it feels at times like we've got the whole Spanish Armada dangling over our heads. I can't control all the bad stuff that might happen, but I can take actions that will put our family in a stronger financial position. Maybe I should've done them sooner but there's no point in dwelling on the wouldas, couldas, shouldas.

[justasque]

... I have been crying so hard lately...

 

I have been on my knees and pretty much every other position crying out to the Lord and am hearing nothing.  Please don't tell me He is still there (I guess I know that) or that things will get better...or any of the other "pat" excuses because I've heard them all and I don't want to hear them anymore (sorry)...

 

if any of you have felt so hopeless and alone, ...

 

I really just want to take my dog and run and never come back. 

 

I'm tired of being everyone's problem solver, slave, bitching board, door mat, bank and caregiver.  I want to start taking care of myself but I don't even know how. 

 

I hate being in our house...

 

I'm not angry, I'm just sad and frustrated and defeated.  

 

OP, you are obviously having a rough time of it.  Would it help to think about what you'd like to hear from the Lord?  

What kinds of things would YOU like to have happen, or to come your way?  What kinds of changes would YOU like to see?

[Danestress]

I understand why you feel you can't move, and if you (and your daughters) are safe, staying might be best.  I think you should do what you can, even if it is small things, to get yourself into a better position for the future.  Your financial problems may feel overwhelming, but if you can take small steps to improve them, then at worst, they will be a little better a year from now.

 

Look at it this way. Right now, you have a free place to live for yourself and your two daughters.  With a free place to live, you can think about how to save a little money.  It seems to me that the cars are your biggest problem.  The amount you pay for the loan and for leasing is entirely outrageous for someone at your income level.  It would be too much at double your income level.    As hard as it is, I think you need to lower those costs.  Trade in for a cheaper car, get rid of one car .... something. If you downsize the types or number of cars, it will lower your insurance and property taxes too.  You could commit to saving that money, and a year from now, you could be a few thousand dollars better off than you are now.  And/Or, you could insist your daughter pay her own insurance and/or part of the car payment.  Let that just be her responsibility so that she knows that some months she won't make much because of school commitments, she can plan accordingly.

 

 

You situation sounds so hard.  But really, I am sure your parents' situation is hard too - medical problems and dementia, having three people take up residence (even if it is necessary and in their best interests so you can care for them, it's still hard for them).   Getting old is hard and caring for elderly parents is hard too, so everyone is probably struggling through this.    I do think your siblings should be helping more.  But your brother is correct that his wife's inherited money is not his to spend.  I think you should figure out what your parent's financial needs are and ask for specific help, if they need that.  So if they can't pay for a medication, for a doctor's visit, etc, ask for that. 

 

As far as the cooking goes, there are two 90 year olds and three younger people in the house.  I think most people would expect they younger people to do the planning and shopping so that they could cook simple things, even if they don't want to eat it together as a family.  Of course, there are very sprightly 90 year old (I had a friend  who played tennis every day through his late 80s).  But eventually, it's inevitable that they will need help with this, so if you are living there, you are probably going to do it.  I would not engage with your Dad, though, over whether he likes what you make.  Just provide it and move on.  

 

XXXOOO  I really feel for you.  Your situation sounds dreadful.  

 

 

 

[annandatje]

I'm sorry, Journey.  Your situation sounds excessively stressful.  I hope you can find a way to improve your lot and regain power over your destiny.  You've been given some solid advice.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I endure. I endure knowing that I'll jump out the first window Life opens where I can be sure I won't break an ankle landing outside.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I use to be a PC in-house carer. I have seen  first hand how absolutely mentally exhausting it is for people to look after their elderly parents. How beaten down and stressed out they are, and that absolutely affects the ability to think of ways out or solutions. I really feel for you. Is it possible to get respite care where you live? here in Australian you can get respite care and either have someone come to the house and aged care sit ( part of what I use to do) or get them into an nursing home for an occasional weekend so you can have a break. It really helps with the mental exhaustion, even if it only a few times a year.

 

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

[Catwoman]

How are you feeling tonight, Journey? :grouphug: