If you "don't tolerate whining/complaining"...

[Mystie]

What does that look like? 

 

My kids are 7, 9, and 11, and I'm getting worn out by their attitude whenever I ask them to do something they don't particularly enjoy.  If I say it's time for history/math/handwriting/whatever it is they don't want to do I get the sigh, the grimace, the "why do I have to..."  All in all it's not hugely terrible but it's irritating and draining to have little bits of resistance from someone all.day.long. 

 

In theory I don't tolerate whining or complaining and I am always responding and correcting when their attitude is unacceptable but I need something more because nothing is changing.

 

So, if you would say that you don't tolerate that kind of attitude from your children, what is your response when they behave that way?  I get that things aren't always fun and that they may not want to do something but I also know that if, for example, their piano teacher asks them to do something they do it without complaining.  I want the same respect.  Whether or not they whine the task still gets completed but I can't handle the constant drain on my emotional energy when they are grumbling.

 

I haven't had time to read all the responses, but this is what it looks like at our house.

 

For two-year-olds to nine-year-olds: "Try that again." They have to repeat their request with a polite voice. When they're four-and-under, I usually repeat what they said in the tone I want to hear, then they repeat that to me. Usually the whiny tone is just their "asking voice," and it takes practice to change that habit. If they won't repeat it cheerfully, if their stubbornly cranky or resistant, they don't get what they asked for, and if crying ensues, they go to bed - "Fussy babies go to bed." The first thing they have to do when they get up is ask for forgiveness from me cheerfully. 

 

All that has to be done with a cheerful attitude on my part, or it's just hypocrisy – you have to not be fussy, but it's ok for me to be cranky and fussy - which the kids can sense and will resent. 

 

Generally at our house huffiness and complaining about school sets in around 7. For awhile, my response was to shrug and say, Oh well. I don't usually want to do the laundry, but we all need clean clothes, so I do it. This is what you have to do and it's only going to take longer and be harder if you complain about it. If you set your mind to it, you'll get it done and be able to do what you want afterwards. Then, I figure, they need the experience of proving that right. They aren't going to take my word for it, but my 11-year-old has banged himself against the wall enough that he's mostly learned that statement is true from his own experience now.  That experience is good for them, even though it's painful for me and it takes a lot of energy to be a brick wall. I've sent them out to run a lap around the house if they won't stop arguing or complaining. I've given extra math drill pages so they can practice doing their work without complaining. 

 

At about 10 1/2, my oldest was really butting heads all the time, and my husband gave him a man-to-man talk about bucking up to the work and respecting his mother. After that, my husband set the consequence of any back-chat equaling no computer for a day, and it was cumulative. So I could just turn and put a tally mark on the board for number of days without computer if he wouldn't quit. I had boxes on the board to put a tally mark when he started complaining or arguing or huffing or eye-rolling - one for no computer, one for no friends, and one for extra chore. When he started huffing about my adding a tally mark, another one went on the board without me saying a word. And so on. It took him awhile, and it took several Tylenol doses for myself, but he finally figured out it was better to just do his work,that he was only hurting himself and not getting anywhere. That lesson takes time. 

 

And while we were in the trenches dealing with that, I started realizing how huffy my own attitude was about many of my own responsibilities, and I had to deal with those in myself as well. None of us are immune to bad attitudes about our work. It helped, too, when I started pointing out to my kids how this is something we all deal with all the time; it's not unique to them and it's not unique to schoolwork.

 

When it gets to be a habitual response, you can't just stop it. You have to learn a new habit to take its place. So I'd give them something to say like, "When you feel like saying, 'Ugh! But Mom!' say, "Dictum factum, said and done!'" They usually didn't like it at first, but giving them a concrete strategy instead of just "knock it off" did help.

[Mommy22alyns]

Whine and complain, and you get more work.  The work you have already will also take longer, and you may not be able to play on the computer/go to gymnastics class.  Also, THIS is your job!  Everything else is a privilege.  This is your main responsibility right now, not playing or gymnastics.  ODD gets, nobody will give you a gymnastics scholarship if you don't also have good grades.

 

ODD is having some hormonal/whiny/teary days as she approaches 12.  Honestly, they often involve her standing in the corner for a while before she settles down.   :glare:

[SharonUF]

Mine get sent to bed early if the "Say it again the right way" is not effective. They HATE to go to bed early, so this usually works for my 2 whiny pants kids.

[Alice]

For me it varies widely depending on who is whining and about what. If at all possible I first try and address the concern. Is there something I can adjust to our school day to make it better? Is the whiner tired? Hungry? Overscheduled? 

 

With my youngest I'm inclined to still have her go to her room until she can be pleasant. It helps her to have some time alone and get herself together. 

 

With my middle son I try and be as silly as I can because that's what he responds to. He's a huge complainer. He generally screams when I tell him it's time to practice piano. This is every day and is more than a little annoying. It helps to say "If you need to scream first, fine, but go in your room and do it with the door closed but it's time to practice piano" said all in one fast breath. Or I'll let him do things his own way....playing piano and then in between songs he likes to sing at the top of his lungs or do a crazy dance around the room. Fine, as long as it gets done. 

 

With my oldest I'm more inclined to have a conversation with him. "Son, I know you don't want to do x. But this is why you have to and it just makes all of our lives miserable when you act like a pill about it." He's more of a straight-forward guy and he's in a stage where he likes to be treated more adult so he responds well this way. 

 

If one kid is whining a lot I find it helps if I spend some one on one time with them doing something fun. Go for a walk. Go out to dinner or for a milkshake. 

 

If all the kids are whining I assume we may have a bit of cabin fever and I try and shake things up. Have a popcorn and documentary or science video lunch. Get out of the house. Go for a long walk. Go on a field trip. Cook something together or bake something. Do a messy craft. Declare a day off and just read aloud and read. Play a really long board game or go through our stash of math games and play them all. 

 

 

[Pronghorn]

Sometimes it works to schedule a whining session. Set a timer for five or ten minutes and tell them it is whining time. When they run out of steam, encourage them to keep up the whining. This gets it out of their systems.

[Cottonwood]

Mine are 12 and 14 and my methods are way different at this age than when they were younger.  But as of now whining, tattling, complaining, arguing......  anytime it starts I turn around and walk away with no reaction.  If it follows me, I put my ear buds in and turn up my music.  If it's important enough to address the right way, they'll bring it up again after changing their tone.  If not, oh well.  I told them at the beginning of this school year this is what would happen and as long as I'm consistent it has worked.  Anymore it doesn't even follow me.  They usually see me walk away then immediately try again w/o whining, which I will listen to. Unless it's arguing or complaining about a sibling.  That's an automatic "shut off" to my ears and I go do something else w/o reacting whatsoever.  If I don't have my mp3 player nearby I shut a door behind me or just look at them and say, buh bye! lol  

 

During a school lesson we do have a rule that if you interrupt a sibling working or otherwise cause disruptions, you get a mark.  Three marks (can be collective over the week, so a new day does NOT restart the marks) mean I can take one of your hard-earned reward tickets.  The tickets come from 100%'s on certain work, being caught with superb behavior, helping a sibling out w/o complaining, or other awesomeness that is listed on a 'reminder' sheet I printed.  It's really hard to get one, and there are great rewards on each ticket, but 3 marks and you loose one.   For some reason, it's a hard blow to them.  I'm glad....gives me leverage. LOL

[8circles]

What happens if you just listen to their complaint and commiserate? Brainstorm possible solutions? Explain that continuing to whine about the same things over and over just isn't very nice?

 

When that fails, I usually just nicely ask them to take their whining elsewhere.

[IsabelC]

Just to add regarding the use of logic and debating skills, we will actually change our decisions about some things if the kids can give us a well-reasoned case presented in a respectful manner. But if it's not negotiable, then we tell them that. I would never engage in a lengthy debate if I know that I'm not going to change the decision.

[Arcadia]

If nothing else, this is one extra-curricular I no longer feel guilty for not outsourcing.

 

We have our own rotating in-house debate teams. ;)

 

It's a useful skill for playing phone tag with customer service :lol:

[Tsuga]

 

 

I would never engage in a lengthy debate if I know that I'm not going to change the decision.

 

Yeah, and I think the question is, what do you say at that point to communicate that you aren't going to change the decision, if "This is not negotiable. I will not change my mind and it's rude of you to continue asking when the answer has been stated," is interpreted by the child as, "Maybe try whining again, that might work! Louder this time."

[Chrysalis Academy]

Yeah, and I think the question is, what do you say at that point to communicate that you aren't going to change the decision, if "This is not negotiable. I will not change my mind and it's rude of you to continue asking when the answer has been stated," is interpreted by the child as, "Maybe try whining again, that might work! Louder this time."

 

 

My go-to answer when I'm not willing to negotiate is "Asked and answered."  And then THAT'S IT.  I can't engage in debate after that point.  Otherwise, it doesn't mean anything when I say I'm done talking about it.  

[Cottonwood]

What happens if you just listen to their complaint and commiserate? Brainstorm possible solutions? Explain that continuing to whine about the same things over and over just isn't very nice?

 

When that fails, I usually just nicely ask them to take their whining elsewhere.

 

I really like this, and DH and I do it.  We like to make the kids feel heard.  But my 'well trained minds' have figured out a thousand ways to bend, twist, justify and debate *any thing*.  This morning it had to do with placement of the highlighters on the table :/   So my walk away method happens after some of the listening.  And then, there are things I do not engage in whatsoever.  Whining is an automatic disengagement.  If they've been given an answer, that's the end of it.  Well...for me.  Never is it the end for them.  What's funny is I see them turning towards one another using debating and logic skills.  They even pull out logic books and quote from it to prove a point. LOL

 

And, I try not to get too worked about any of this because after all, they need these techniques in adulthood and they are merely trying to practice here where it's safer, so unless it goes directly against something we want to happen around here, I observe and engage where possible (i.e. not when I've already said no, or when whining). 

[Trilliums]

We used to play the game "Don't Crack the Ice".

 

The ice is household harmony.  Whacking at it with a hammer is their whining.   It erodes away at the household stability.

 

Yes, cracking it and breaking it all up is exhilarating!  Let's do it some more! Whack whack whack!  But in reality we can't function with a broken base.  We really need to work on ways to actually make the base stronger.  With a stronger base we are all more likely to achieve our goals.  We can make it stronger by cooperation, kindness, thoughtfulness, etc.

 

 

But, yea I am goofy like that!

[stm4him]

I agree with someone awhile back who said that people who say that have easy children.  We don't "tolerate" it either in my house, but if my 8 year old and under start whining my husband and I can nip it in the bud really quickly with very little resistance.  But my oldest two are cut from different cloth (literally had a different father whom they haven't seen since they were 3 and 1) and though we have used the same strategies with them, it never ends quickly.  They literally have a different set of genes and are much more emotional children even though they have been essentially raised with the same parents as the others for the large majority of their lives.  Their father was a much more emotional person than my husband is and I really think that makes all the difference.  My son, who again hasn't seen his biological father since he was 1, has many mannerisms and character traits that his biological father had and my oldest daughter has his learning struggles.  Some children are just easier than others.  If I only had my last five children I would think I was a fabulous parent or something.  My three year old is quite stubborn and ornery, but if you are firm with her she will back down.  Parenting matters (believe me, I've seen lots of bad parenting from people who let their children rule the roost), but I think people whose children are pretty well behaved also need to consider that some of their lack of difficulty may be that they and their spouse have passed on more compliant genes....lol.

[Jennifer132]

The only thing that has helped us as far as whining and schoolwork is moving to a self-study model of homeschooling. I pretty much had to cut the apron strings, take myself out of the equation. Now they have a set number of things that they know need to happen in a specific order and at specific times and they teach themselves. If they come to me and say that they don't get the work, I tell them to keep studying until they do get it. And eventually that's what happens. If they whine, it only serves to make the school day longer since they know they have a specific number of things to do for a specific amount of time each day! Generally speaking, we only had whining with schoolwork, so I can't speak to whining about other things.