Tell me how to help my dd

[TXMomof4]

I'm so sad tonight! My heart is breaking for my little girl, and I don't know how to fix it!

 

She just got glasses this last week. It's kind of a weird thing, the optometrist thinks she has a lazy eye, said to wear a patch 4 hours a day and gave her glasses that really don't improve the vision in that eye AT ALL. We're going to see an opthamologist Tuesday, so anyway....

 

This morning at church she had her glasses on and was so excited to show her friends. She went on up to class and I got the littles to class and went to check on her. She didn't have her glasses on so I asked where they were. She very quietly said they were in her purse, and a friend of mine asked to see them. This friend is super about making kids comfortable and being very excited for them. DD was shaking when she went to get her glasses out and was obviously miserable about putting them on. My friend gushed a little, but dd was almost in tears and asked if she had to wear them. I told her no, she could keep them in her purse for now. Until we have this checked further, I'm not going to have her in tears because of glasses that don't do anything.

 

She only has one really good friend at church - and this friend makes me psycho. I love her family, but this girl stresses me out so much! DD bought herself an MP3 player and was telling her friend and the response was "Oh yeah, I have an MP4." Everything is like that - never any excitement for anything dd is doing, just belittling her and making her feel less important.

 

There aren't any other girls her age that she really has hit it off with. This group of girls have made fun of her for wearing the same dress two weeks in a row. I know their mothers and know where they learned this kind of behavior. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

 

However, I love our church for everything other than this. It is in a very wealthy area, but the group of people I'm involved with are an amazing group of Christian women. They are all older than I am by quite a bit - closer to my mother's age than to mine. But there isn't any of that ridiculous competition you get into. Also, I'm one of only 3 homeschool moms at our church so we're a little isolated in that respect. However, for an 8 yo girl, having a bunch of "fairy godmothers" (their term for themselves) isn't the greatest social life.

 

We've considered moving to a different church that has a larger hs community, but I can't stand the thought of leaving our church now with dh gone. But I can't stand for dd to be so alone and so miserable at church! She just started riding lessons, but other than that, church is her only real social outlet.

 

I don't know what to do. I remember being the "outsider" when I was growing up and I wasn't nearly as different from my peers as dd is simply because we all went to school together, lived in the same neighborhood, parents were in the same income bracket, etc. I know that feeling of not fitting in led me to do *anything* to belong once I got older. I desperately want dd to be confident in herself before we get to that point.

 

Any great words of wisdom? Is there something I could be doing that I'm not? All of the activities she's interested in are individual things - swimming, riding, reading. While she meets people with similar interests, there isn't a time when they all get together to do those things and we're so spread out in this area that there isn't a friend in the neighborhood she can play with. Argh!

 

I know this is a little disjointed, but there seems to be so much playing into it, I don't know what would be helpful to know or not. TIA!

[Pink Fairy]

I noticed that your two oldest dd's are only a year or so apart (signature line info--I'm not a stalker, lol :001_smile:). Are they close? My two oldest girls are about a 22 months apart, and they do so much together that I've never worried about them having a large social circle. They do see other children at different activities about twice a week, but they each only have a couple of friends who they spend time with outside of that, and that's only once in a while (maybe once a month or so).

 

It's so hard to see our kids' feelings hurt. :grouphug: to you and to her.

[umarider]

I'm sorry to hear that your dd is going through a tough time. My dd has had similar problems off and on.. they want so desperately to be liked. I strive to help them see themselves through their own eyes... not through the eyes of others who enjoy making criticisms. Sadly, it doesn't always work.

[lynn]

I'm so sad tonight! My heart is breaking for my little girl, and I don't know how to fix it!

 

She just got glasses this last week. It's kind of a weird thing, the optometrist thinks she has a lazy eye, said to wear a patch 4 hours a day and gave her glasses that really don't improve the vision in that eye AT ALL. We're going to see an opthamologist Tuesday, so anyway....

 

This morning at church she had her glasses on and was so excited to show her friends. She went on up to class and I got the littles to class and went to check on her. She didn't have her glasses on so I asked where they were. She very quietly said they were in her purse, and a friend of mine asked to see them. This friend is super about making kids comfortable and being very excited for them. DD was shaking when she went to get her glasses out and was obviously miserable about putting them on. My friend gushed a little, but dd was almost in tears and asked if she had to wear them. I told her no, she could keep them in her purse for now. Until we have this checked further, I'm not going to have her in tears because of glasses that don't do anything.

 

She only has one really good friend at church - and this friend makes me psycho. I love her family, but this girl stresses me out so much! DD bought herself an MP3 player and was telling her friend and the response was "Oh yeah, I have an MP4." Everything is like that - never any excitement for anything dd is doing, just belittling her and making her feel less important.

 

There aren't any other girls her age that she really has hit it off with. This group of girls have made fun of her for wearing the same dress two weeks in a row. I know their mothers and know where they learned this kind of behavior. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

 

However, I love our church for everything other than this. It is in a very wealthy area, but the group of people I'm involved with are an amazing group of Christian women. They are all older than I am by quite a bit - closer to my mother's age than to mine. But there isn't any of that ridiculous competition you get into. Also, I'm one of only 3 homeschool moms at our church so we're a little isolated in that respect. However, for an 8 yo girl, having a bunch of "fairy godmothers" (their term for themselves) isn't the greatest social life.

 

We've considered moving to a different church that has a larger hs community, but I can't stand the thought of leaving our church now with dh gone. But I can't stand for dd to be so alone and so miserable at church! She just started riding lessons, but other than that, church is her only real social outlet.

 

I don't know what to do. I remember being the "outsider" when I was growing up and I wasn't nearly as different from my peers as dd is simply because we all went to school together, lived in the same neighborhood, parents were in the same income bracket, etc. I know that feeling of not fitting in led me to do *anything* to belong once I got older. I desperately want dd to be confident in herself before we get to that point.

 

Any great words of wisdom? Is there something I could be doing that I'm not? All of the activities she's interested in are individual things - swimming, riding, reading. While she meets people with similar interests, there isn't a time when they all get together to do those things and we're so spread out in this area that there isn't a friend in the neighborhood she can play with. Argh!

 

I know this is a little disjointed, but there seems to be so much playing into it, I don't know what would be helpful to know or not. TIA!

 

I am sorry your daughter has to go through this. Is your daughter content with her activities. Does it bother her not to be "in the group". I was pretty much a loner all my life and it never really bothered me. I can see how it can be hard as a mother to watch. I can see now I am going to be a wreck with my dd and she's only 3 and the girls in her Gymnastics class already group together leaving dd out. As far as changing churches, it's been my experience that even if you move to a different church unfortunately you will find mroe of the same, hopefully not.

[In The Great White North]

Everything is like that - never any excitement for anything dd is doing, just belittling her and making her feel less important.

This doesn't sound like a friend. It sounds like bullying. The other girl is using your daughter to bolster her own self-esteem, at your daughter's expense. If you're feeling particularly persuasive, you might talk to the other mother, but I've found that often the other mother knows perfectly well and has been ineffective in solving these issues with her daughter. It was a waste of time and usually, the other girl uses it as further ammunition. I would remove my daughter from that situation (have, in fact, a couple of times.)

 

They can deal with that stuff when they are older - no need to ruin childhood too.

 

If you like the church but the class isn't working, keep her in church with you. You are homeschooling everything else; you can homeschool religion too. It certainly isn't meeting her "social" needs. My dc have never made friends at church either. Come to think of it, neither did I.

 

Swimming isn't as individual as it appears. Although each swimmers competes by themselves, they practice daily with their team. And the team talks in between every set, before and after practice, in the locker room, etc. That's enough to make friends. My dd have found their best friends on the swim team.

 

I suspect riding isn't entirely alone either. Do they really hand dd a horse and let her go off on her own? (Although, I have to say I would love that and they did at Ht Huacuca - rent a horse by the hour!)

 

All of the activities she's interested in are individual things - swimming, riding, reading. While she meets people with similar interests, there isn't a time when they all get together to do those things and we're so spread out in this area that there isn't a friend in the neighborhood she can play with.

All the more reason to do the "individual" things she likes in a more formal way: team, lessons, etc. Children don't just happen to meet up for a horseback ride very often! If you schedule these activities, she will run into the same other children frequently and make "better" friends, with similar interests.

 

Dc don't have neighborhood friends either. Well, really it isn't much of a neighborhood. A lot of children grow up in the country with no neighborhood, so they obviously don't play with neighborhood kids. Their friends are at the activities the like (swimming, Scouts, CAP) but they hardly ever have play dates at other times.

 

It is OK to not spend your every free minutes with a friend. I suspect you have an introvert on your hands (if her favorite activities are all alone). Introverts need "alone" time and it's not surprising that they select activities that provide it.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

We are going to get picked on and made fun of our whole lives- the only difference is when we grow up- women do it behind our backs. I am not saying it's right- I'm saying it's reality that not everyone we encounter is going to be as nice as we want them to be.

 

If your daughter shows that the comments bother her, they are just going to multiply and get worse. And these are just little girls- they haven't even hit middle school yet when things get really bad.

 

What I would suggest is to work on teaching your daughter to stand up for herself. When they make fun of her dress, she could say, "Well, sorry I didn't think about you when I was getting dressed this morning."

 

I know exactly what my daughter would have done with the MP4 thing, she would have said, "Cool- bring it to church next week and let me see it." She has had quite a few kids try this kind of stuff.

 

It also helps to be able to laugh at oneself. My husband has a form of MD, and when he was a kid, he used to get picked on because he does this weird thing with his eye when he chews his food. It used to really bother him, until one day he told them all he had a bionic eye and launched not this whole elaborate, funny story. They NEVER picked on him again.

 

There is a line from this song I like and it goes- "I woke up one day and saw that it was up to me. You can only be a victim if you admit defeat."

[Remudamom]

Bless her heart. My sister used to be the victim of a girl like this, and she can't let go of it to this day.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but my girls have never encountered this. My two are just 18 months apart, and are very close. I'd encourage them to be each other's best friend. I would avoid the other "friend" like the plague.

[JFSinIL]

It seems to only take one negative comment from another kids and suddenly a girl won't wear her glasses/new shirt/headband - whatever. I have gone through the same thing with my two girls. Just make sure the frames she picked out are pretty on her...and notice other kids when out in public who wear glasses.

 

My oldest (14) is now in contacts - my youngest (12) couldn't get them in so has to keep her glasses on. I promised she can try for contacts again next year when she gets her eye exam.

[jmgconner]

Oh my goodness, this is so hard and I am NOT looking forward to my DD getting older. I'm just not sure how I'm going to deal with this, but here is what helped me.

 

I had to wear a patch when I was younger, with the glasses that make your eye look huge. I'm sure I probably frightened the younger kids because my patch was flesh-colored and made it look like I didn't even have an eye socket. When I got made fun of, I had to tell myself why would I even care what they thought because they were mean. The last thing I wanted to do was fit in or be accepted by this group of girls. I'd have to tell myself that over and over. I got to the point that I would wear my glasses and patch and not let on that it bothered me one bit. (It did still bother me, but I sure wasn't going to let that group of girls know that!) I sought out and befriended other victims of this group of girls. That experience taught me to be a genuinely nice person.

 

Unfortunately, I had to use the same coping technique my last year of public school teaching with the other teachers. It makes me so sad and ANGRY that GROWN WOMEN will be so full of hate and vile towards one another. And we wonder were these girls come up with their viciousness. :glare:

 

Sorry about that little walk down memory lane and rant. So, I would help your DD see that she shouldn't care what those girls think about her because they are not nice people. Help her to see that not-nice people don't get to have power over her or make her feel like she has to hide her glasses in her purse. And yes, sometimes they do make her feel like that, but she has to not let them see that they can belittle her or get her to hide her glasses.

[TXMomof4]

Thanks for the advice. My girls are all really close and while they won't say the words "best friends" that's what they are. They both (the older 2) just seem to crave a *friend*. The one mentioned before is great at playing with both of them, or playing them against each other. It is an odd situation - I've known the mom forever and love her dearly. I adore the older sister. This girl is just mean.

 

I don't know how to convince her she doesn't want to be part of the group though. I know if I could find her kids she has more in common with, she would take off running. It's just this Sunday morning thing that is kicking me in the pants.

 

All of her swimming buddies only swim during the summer. She just started the riding, and there is another little girl there, but we don't know anything about them yet. She seems super sweet, so I'm hopeful.

 

Seeing her sitting there yesterday just did me in. I suppose I could let her come to class with me, but she seems to enjoy the actual class. She is learning a LOT. And this is where my selfishness is coming out - Sunday morning is the only time I don't have the kids with me the whole time. They are with me every waking hour the rest of our lives, so I depend on that time to be a grown-up.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. Just getting it out I guess. I couldn't tell DH about it last night. He already worries about how his absence affects the kids, and there's no way he wouldn't take this kind of situation as an indictment of the fact that he's gone. And it's not because he's gone. Like I said, I was the exact same way - I hate it for my baby!

[Aubrey]

Just got the baby to sleep, about to have my 1st cup of coffee & start school, but I couldn't skip this.

 

I think a child's experience in church is SO important. Imagine if the women at church were treating you the way this "friend" is treating dd. You wouldn't stay--there would be no reason.

 

Why do we even go to church? We can hear sermons on the radio. We go for the community, the friendships. If your dd doesn't have this, what does she have?

 

More than that, though, what will be the long-term ramifications of her associating church w/ mean girls & their rich mothers? She could very easily come to the conclusion that she doesn't like church at all.

 

I would reconsider finding a place that is a good fit for your whole family. Talk to dh about it, if that helps, but I imagine he'll understand. I imagine that's one of the things that he really trusts you w/ in his absence.

 

As far as the women you enjoy at the church, maybe y'all could get together at other times. But honestly, if you find a church that has a more significant hs population (I think that's what you said?), YOU are likely to make more friends, too.

 

:grouphug: Wish I just had a magic fairy wand to wave over the girls & make them nice! (And their mothers, too! ;))

 

Ok, baby's crying again, got to go. GL!

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry you are having this heartache, and I'm sorry your daughter is, too. They are really separate issues, aren't they?

 

On the one hand, you are witnessing your dd being hurt by others. Your heart hurts because of your connection, care, love for her. You are her Mommy, and Mommy-pain is one of the biggest there is. So what do you do, sever the connection? Well of course not! You have to suck up your own pain and focus on her. While you can show her you hurt when she hurts, you have to be careful that she never gets the message that SHE is hurting you by having to go thru this. It can happen that way--isn't that strange?

 

On the other hand, here she is, having to deal, not only with the fact that something is physically wrong with her (and all that brings to the self-image), but that fixing it is causing others to have "fodder for meaness," if that's a way of putting it. I've seen that it doesn't take much to wound a tender heart, and she does sound tender (not overly so, though).

 

My own dd has glasses--I told her brothers they better be extra-nice and tell her she looks good in them, or I'd give them a consequence they'd never forget. So far, so good. She wears them, and doesn't really know that some will tease. We'll see tomorrow, when she starts ps. You can't be ambivalent in front of her, because she will think it has to do with beauty and such, and you have to build her up in that department.

 

I'm not sure I would change churches just to find a nicer group of girls for her to hang with--I need a reason like doctines and style of worship to go there. But I definitely would consider pulling her from the class for a few weeks, building her up, and allowing her to worship with you. Yet, I fully understand the need for her to feel capable of handling this, and for you to get a break. I suppose if you asked for her to be able to change classes, you might encounter more trouble, and she might feel awkward and as if something is truly wrong that she can't be in her "normal" class.

 

Sigh. It makes me so mad when girls are mean, and, having lived thru bullying, I am hyper-sensitive to it. I guess what I'm trying to say in this too-long post is that you have my support and sympathy, I'll pray for you, and hang in there. Change what you can, and don't worry about the rest. God is big. How can He redeem this situation? Ask him.

[TXMomof4]

Change what you can, and don't worry about the rest. God is big. How can He redeem this situation? Ask him.

 

 

That is great wisdom. Thank you for that. You're so right. I've trusted God to lead us to where we are. I know this congregation is an answer to a prayer for me. I found this group of women when dh was deploying the first time and they have been my shelter and harbor while dh was gone before and they are already that for this time. God put us where we are for a reason and he can certainly help me give my daughter what she needs to get through as well.

 

I heard a quote last weekend from a radio preacher - God's will won't put you where his Grace won't keep you. I have to remember this applies to my babies as well as to myself.

 

Thank you for that reminder.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Can I gently disagree with you here? You said "God's will won't put you where his Grace won't keep you." and that is true, but I don't see that God would put your child in a place where she is miserable and dreading what should be the fellowship of believers. I hope that you will look for a fellowship that will provide fellowship for *all* of your family. My son has worn "coke bottle" glasses for the last two years. He has severe vision issues. Not one kid, anywhere has ever teased him about them, much less at church! Being treated that way by those who are supposed to be your sisters in Christ would have a profound effect, I think.

 

I'm glad you are seeing an ophthalmologist this week (?). Don't let her give up on the glasses, though. It can take a while, weeks, for eyes to adjust to the correction. My oldest son was born with vision issues and having a good PO is invaluable. They will work will you to determine the best plan for improving and managing your daughter's vision.