Friendship issues (some cc)...

[beansprouts]

I am in need of encouragement this evening. We have a very difficult IRL friendship which is just wearing me out right now. This person is a single woman raising two grandchildren. Over the past year we have sort of adopted her and her kids into the family, but for the past few months the relationship has become more and more strained.

 

No matter what we do she feels persecuted. We have fixed her house, her computer, her car, and have even paid bills for her which she doesn't even know about. Yet she thinks we are unreliable because there have been times that we have not been able to help her on her time frame for various reasons (like dh being at work). She also complains about other people whom I know have done SO much for her. She is harsh and critical with us, often making biting comments.

 

Lately she seems to think I am out to get her.

 

During the time I have known her, she has made frequent comments that "everyone leaves" her and the kids. It almost feels like she is trying to sabotage our relationship because that is how she expects things to turn out. Yet I could never get her to see this. She refuses to allow any perspective but her own - on anything. She simply will not learn.

 

But right now she is mad at me because I refused to allow her to let a personal issue between us become an issue for others. In other words I stood up to her and forced her to follow through on a committment she made to a church ministry, then changed her mind because I happened to be the one on the other end of it. She will never see that she is wrong, but she will eventually "forgive" me and she will be okay (I think).

 

I am not going anywhere - God help me! Maybe there is some ego involved. She expects me to leave so dang-it I'm hangin' in there! Maybe that stubbornness is why God put me in this difficult friendship. :lol: I am sure there is something here He wants me to learn also. Please pray that I can love my friend as He does and can overlook the offenses. And if he could open her eyes a bit that wouldn't hurt either ;) But even if nothing changes I WILL NOT give up on my friend.

 

And pray I find friends who like me and can encourage and minister to me in return because these relationships are so hard ...

 

Thanks for reading all this :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

She sounds very selfish, and manipulative. Is she someone from your church? If so, she needs to be confronted with her sinful attitude, gently and with love, but it needs to be addressed.

 

And, I'd start encouraging her to do some things for herself. I don't what, exactly, but I wouldn't be so available for things she could probably do herself. She might need some direction, but I've found that sometimes when people get into the situation where they're the recipient of extra help, they come to expect it for everything and never get out of that "vicitm" or "charity-me" mentality.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Wow, that is a tough situation. It must be so exhausting dealing with her. Has she had many others in her life abandon her so that she expects it to happen, I wonder? Maybe she figures it won't hurt as bad if she runs them off first. Or that she is certain that everybody leaves you and is gearing up for what she thinks all people do? Wow, very tough.

 

I think you are being a very kind person to be there for her whether she appreciates it or not. That really is the right thing to do. I pray for strength for you all for this. I hope you can find real friendships IRL that will help sustain and lift you up rather than drain you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[beansprouts]

She sounds very selfish, and manipulative. Is she someone from your church? If so, she needs to be confronted with her sinful attitude, gently and with love, but it needs to be addressed.

 

Yes and yes, but no, she won't hear it. She will be extremely offended at even the gentlest suggestion. I think only the Holy Spirit can convict her, and my guess is even then she will fight it. She's too proud.

 

And, I'd start encouraging her to do some things for herself. I don't what, exactly, but I wouldn't be so available for things she could probably do herself. She might need some direction, but I've found that sometimes when people get into the situation where they're the recipient of extra help, they come to expect it for everything and never get out of that "vicitm" or "charity-me" mentality.

 

I think you are exactly right about this.

[beansprouts]

Wow, that is a tough situation. It must be so exhausting dealing with her. Has she had many others in her life abandon her so that she expects it to happen, I wonder? Maybe she figures it won't hurt as bad if she runs them off first. Or that she is certain that everybody leaves you and is gearing up for what she thinks all people do? Wow, very tough.

 

Yes, I have been wondering if this is her thought process. She and her children are all tragic stories of broken relationships :(

[beansprouts]

I think you are being a very kind person to be there for her whether she appreciates it or not. That really is the right thing to do. I pray for strength for you all for this. I hope you can find real friendships IRL that will help sustain and lift you up rather than drain you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you, I really need the encouragement, but this wasn't intended to be a "see what a good person I am" thread. :blush: I just need to process some of my thoughts, and wouldn't mind hearing some wisdom from from others who are sticking it out in difficult friendships.

[Mekanamom]

IME with a person very much like that, I have come to the conclusion that some people are simply not content/fulfilled/whatever unless they are complaining about something. And yes, blaming everyone else for their problems.

 

It is VERY kind of you to continue your friendship with her. Just be SURE that her comments and attitude do not have a negative impact on your children. It's not good for them to see someone else constantly treating you badly.

 

I feel for the grandkids she is raising!!

[obiandelismom]

How old is she? Is there any chance that she might be in the early stages of dementia? She sounds a little paranoid, tbh, and that is often one of the first signs. Good luck - she is lucky to have you as her friend!

[Jen500]

Well, you can do what you know is the right thing to do, and realize that you can't change her. If you can help her and not be really inconvenienced, and not care what her reaction is, then great! If not, then try to do what the other posters suggested. Sometimes it's a bit harder to really help someone, when it means saying no, or suggesting something that will help them in the long run. :grouphug:

[Mx5]

I am in need of encouragement this evening. We have a very difficult IRL friendship which is just wearing me out right now. This person is a single woman raising two grandchildren. Over the past year we have sort of adopted her and her kids into the family, but for the past few months the relationship has become more and more strained.

 

No matter what we do she feels persecuted. We have fixed her house, her computer, her car, and have even paid bills for her which she doesn't even know about. Yet she thinks we are unreliable because there have been times that we have not been able to help her on her time frame for various reasons (like dh being at work). She also complains about other people whom I know have done SO much for her. She is harsh and critical with us, often making biting comments.

 

Lately she seems to think I am out to get her.

 

During the time I have known her, she has made frequent comments that "everyone leaves" her and the kids. It almost feels like she is trying to sabotage our relationship because that is how she expects things to turn out. Yet I could never get her to see this. She refuses to allow any perspective but her own - on anything. She simply will not learn.

 

But right now she is mad at me because I refused to allow her to let a personal issue between us become an issue for others. In other words I stood up to her and forced her to follow through on a committment she made to a church ministry, then changed her mind because I happened to be the one on the other end of it. She will never see that she is wrong, but she will eventually "forgive" me and she will be okay (I think).

 

I am not going anywhere - God help me! Maybe there is some ego involved. She expects me to leave so dang-it I'm hangin' in there! Maybe that stubbornness is why God put me in this difficult friendship. :lol: I am sure there is something here He wants me to learn also. Please pray that I can love my friend as He does and can overlook the offenses. And if he could open her eyes a bit that wouldn't hurt either ;) But even if nothing changes I WILL NOT give up on my friend.

 

And pray I find friends who like me and can encourage and minister to me in return because these relationships are so hard ...

 

Thanks for reading all this :grouphug:

 

I can tell from your posts that you take your faith seriously, and love your friend. This is rare and commendable - a sure sign of God's grace in your life.

 

That being said, it is important that you not allow yourself, or your family members, to be the recipients of her critical, harsh, biting statements. You will need to be as strong in correction as you are in showing practical love to her. This will be best done 1-on-1.

 

She will most likely pitch a fit. But just as you'd be calm with a toddler doing this, you will also be calm with her. Be very matter-of-fact, stating that you love her, but you can't allow her to be harsh with you (or your dh or kids). Tell her when she's calm and respectful, you'll be glad to chat with her. You will be accused of being uncaring, but that's not true. She must learn these things, and perhaps God is using you to help her learn.

 

Hang in there - but do set boundaries. Screen your phone calls. Don't accept guilt for not helping her with whatever it may be. Just do what you can do, and don't let her manipulative ways goad you into doing more than what the Spirit may prompt you to do.

[Remudamom]

She really does sound like a nut job. I'd want to tell her if she'd quit running people off they might hang around, but from the sound of it it wouldn't do a bit of good.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've had two friendships like that.

 

Friendship A: I had to set some clear boundaries but she respected those boundaries. We have a friendship that is 20 years old and counting. She is in an unhappy marriage (also going on 20 years) and I have to keep my mouth zipped on some things that she knows my opinion on but is not choosing to change. But at the same time, she has been a faithful friend whose friendship has benefited me.

 

Friendship B: I had to very regretfully walk away from. My friend's bitterness gradually slipped into mental illness. My last conversation with her ended with her threatening me as a result of her own paranoia. I had to walk away to maintain my family's safety. A mutual friend told me that she had to do the same.

[Mom to Aly]

Honestly, I think this friendship will take its toll on you and your husband, and you will feel more and more linked, and guilty if you even consider trying to separate yourself from her.

 

If I were you, I'd sit down and write it out. Send it to her, asking her to read it all, and think it through. Don't write anything in an acusatory fashion (which it sounds like you would never do), but what you really feel. Give her time to absorb it, hopefully going back to it, over time, and letting it sink in. If you feel you need to, maybe even mention some of the things you have done that she doesn't know about, just so that she has an idea of the type of friend you are.

 

Try to let her appreciate you, while she has the opportunity to not drive you away. I'm sure, with enough effort and time, she will succeed in losing even your friendship, even if you are determined she not.

[Catherine]

It's what I do with my difficult friend. The time away helps me to remember what keeps us friends, and lets me cool off. It's easier to forget offenses or problems when you know you'll have a break for a month or so. Then, the good feelings that made us friends to being with come back-do you have any of that to draw on?

[Mekanamom]

I can tell from your posts that you take your faith seriously, and love your friend. This is rare and commendable - a sure sign of God's grace in your life.

 

That being said, it is important that you not allow yourself, or your family members, to be the recipients of her critical, harsh, biting statements. You will need to be as strong in correction as you are in showing practical love to her. This will be best done 1-on-1.

 

She will most likely pitch a fit. But just as you'd be calm with a toddler doing this, you will also be calm with her. Be very matter-of-fact, stating that you love her, but you can't allow her to be harsh with you (or your dh or kids). Tell her when she's calm and respectful, you'll be glad to chat with her. You will be accused of being uncaring, but that's not true. She must learn these things, and perhaps God is using you to help her learn.

 

Hang in there - but do set boundaries. Screen your phone calls. Don't accept guilt for not helping her with whatever it may be. Just do what you can do, and don't let her manipulative ways goad you into doing more than what the Spirit may prompt you to do.

 

Yes, that is the most reasonable thing to do. I'm going to say that when I did this very thing with a person very much as described... things got a LOT worse. Pitch a fit doesn't even describe the fallout.

 

That doesn't mean that Beansprouts shouldn't set boundaries and expect a reasonable response. But she should be prepared just in case things go the other way.

 

My situation got to a point where setting boundaries just HAD to be done, no matter what the consequence. I took a chance that things could get better. Instead, it ended the relationship completely. That is not a bad thing, either. But it was not a pleasant time.

[Harriet Vane]

Yep, I have been there, done that, with more than one person.

 

I have found it works well for me to decide ahead of time, in prayer and with my dh, exactly how much I will help or NOT help. Or, in the case of one friend, how many phone calls I am willing to answer in a day or a week--or not. Then, stick to those pre-determined boundaries no matter what.

 

No. Matter. What.

 

Any petulance, whining, or complaining needs to receive a cheerful-but-dumb response. Also, do not get drawn into ANY long-drawn-out conversations when the petulance begins. It's a habit some people fall into, and one you should absolutely NOT indulge.

 

Examples:

 

I have an elderly neighbor who is bossy and self-centered to an extreme. Yet, her needs are legitimate, and in many ways her love for her church family is sincere. In other words, she tries to the best of her abilities, but because she is so freakin' dysfunctional, her ability to relate to people in a healthy way is pretty low.

 

This neighbor took over my life for a time when we first moved to this neighborhood. It was really hard for me. Things came to a very unpleasant head before I finally drew some boundaries.

 

She likes dh to set her clocks and VCRs whenever the power goes out. In her old house, with outdated wiring, this happens more than you might think. She has a VCR in every room of her house, plus digital clocks. Ugh. Our boundary is that dh will not interrupt a meal or bed-time routine with the kids to set her clocks. So, when she calls insisting that he come over, right away, he pleasantly repeats . . . repeats . . . repeats . . . until she gives up. She's not going to die if she waits an hour or two for him to set her clocks.

 

I have another, ongoing situation with someone who absolutely ALWAYS wants just a little bit more from me/us. No matter what help you offer, this person will absolutely ALWAYS, every time, respond with a modification of your offer that means giving more. With this person, I have learned to do two things:

 

1--Anytime this person asks me to do something, I always, always tell this person I will think about it, check with dh, and respond later. This is essential. If I did not do this, I would give in and give more than I should in the whirlwind of negotiations that always takes place.

 

2--When giving to this person, I stay cheerful and laid back and just keep repeating what I CAN do. I do NOT give a lot of reasons or get into debates, I just keep repeating one or two simple lines. It really does work.

 

Oh--just thought of a third thing--when this person is clearly hurt/annoyed/whatever, I ignore it and act completely, cheerfully oblivious, in the friendliest, most affectionate way possible. Big emotional debates never go anywhere except around-and-around-and-around, so I will NOT go there.

 

HTH.

[beansprouts]

She really does sound like a nut job. I'd want to tell her if she'd quit running people off they might hang around, but from the sound of it it wouldn't do a bit of good.

 

Have I told you lately that I LOVE you???

 

:001_smile:

 

I'm just reading through for now. I will be back with more responses later.

 

For all of you...

:grouphug: