cottonmama Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 So until January of this year, dh's brother (college-aged) was dating a sweet girl from his hometown. She and I got along really well, and she seemed really committed to BIL and really the whole family. She even asked my kids to call her "Aunt." But apparently she and my BIL had been having some kind of trouble, and she broke up with him earlier this year. She wants us (me, dh, and the kids) to still be part of her life. I like her a lot but am so conflicted because of how hard BIL has been taking the breakup -- to the point of deep depression. He isn't okay with her still being his friend. At this point dh and I are just having her over for one dinner by herself, but it isn't so easy to just keep her in our circle of friends when BIL doesn't want to be around her. (We invite him to most things we do with friends.) I don't want to be seen by BIL as keeping this up behind his back, but I also want to be delicate in not mentioning her name to him. Meanwhile the kids are too young for that kind of discretion. I want to be there for this girl. She's young and I sense that she needs some support in her life that she doesn't have. I just don't know how far we can go being that for her without creating problems with dh's family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I would bow out. She'll find other people to be her support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Yeah, I think you have to stand by your bil. I would tell her you wish her well, you hope to maybe hear how she's doing occasionally, if there's any help you can give her she's free to call on your family, but socially you need to distance yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Unless your brother-in-law is a total jerk and the breakup was completely his fault (say, if he was abusing her or something like that, which I'm pretty sure you would have said) I think you're going to have to let blood be thicker than water, at least for right now. I mean, if he's taking this so hard and all. Maybe when things settle down he won't mind so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I would think it more likely to end badly than not. one day, you bil will find another girl, maybe even marry her. how will a future sil handle you continuing a friendship with an ex? will she be hunky-dory? or feel undermined? will you be able to welcome in full fellowship a new girlfriend/bil's wife without *any* reservations because you have loyalty to this girl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I would bow out. She'll find other people to be her support. I have to agree with this given the circumstances... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenagerMom Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I will be the dissenting voice. I am BFF with my now ex-SIL. My brother was told that I would NOT be ending my friendship with her even though they divorced. Any future g/fs or SILs will just have to suck it up & deal with it. It was hard on him at first but he got over it & understood that it wasn't fair of him to ask me to end a friendship just because they decided they didn't want to be married anymore. I just keep my relationships with them separate. The only overlap is important events & considering they have kids together, they try to he as amicable as possible anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I will be the dissenting voice. I am BFF with my now ex-SIL. My brother was told that I would NOT be ending my friendship with her even though they divorced. Any future g/fs or SILs will just have to suck it up & deal with it. It was hard on him at first but he got over it & understood that it wasn't fair of him to ask me to end a friendship just because they decided they didn't want to be married anymore. I just keep my relationships with them separate. The only overlap is important events & considering they have kids together, they try to he as amicable as possible anyway. Very different situation, however. Your brother and her were married with kids. You can't ignore the mother of your nieces/nephews. This was just a relationship that didn't end in an official union. The parameters are different. To the OP, I agree with what's been said above. Graciously bow out of the relationship. Your BIL's feelings are more critical right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I will be the dissenting voice. I am BFF with my now ex-SIL. a girlfriend and a sil are two completely different things and not really comparable. the depth and duration of the relationships are very different - just for starters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 So until January of this year, dh's brother (college-aged) was dating a sweet girl from his hometown. She and I got along really well, and she seemed really committed to BIL and really the whole family. She even asked my kids to call her "Aunt." But apparently she and my BIL had been having some kind of trouble, and she broke up with him earlier this year. She wants us (me, dh, and the kids) to still be part of her life. I like her a lot but am so conflicted because of how hard BIL has been taking the breakup -- to the point of deep depression. He isn't okay with her still being his friend. At this point dh and I are just having her over for one dinner by herself, but it isn't so easy to just keep her in our circle of friends when BIL doesn't want to be around her. (We invite him to most things we do with friends.) I don't want to be seen by BIL as keeping this up behind his back, but I also want to be delicate in not mentioning her name to him. Meanwhile the kids are too young for that kind of discretion. I want to be there for this girl. She's young and I sense that she needs some support in her life that she doesn't have. I just don't know how far we can go being that for her without creating problems with dh's family. Maybe you want to be there for the girl, but you need to be there for your BIL. IMO, the girl sounds pretty immature and selfish if she thinks she should be able to break up with your BIL, but still be made to feel like part of the family. I don't know what happened between her and your BIL, but whatever it was, I still believe your loyalties need to be with your BIL, particularly because he hasn't even gotten over the breakup. If I were in his shoes and found out you were still having the ex over for dinner with the family, I would feel both hurt and betrayed by that. And one other thing to consider -- she is the one who broke up with him and he is still in a deep depression over it. Why would you even think about hurting him further, and why aren't you angry with her for hurting him as she did? He's sitting at home in a deep depression and you're inviting her to have dinner with you, your dh, and the kids. I know I sound harsh, but I think your priorities are a little messed up here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Agree with the majority. The relationship should end. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cottonmama Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 I think it's fair for her to ask for closure between our family and her. We haven't seen her since Christmas and after the breakup I'd promised we'd see her next time we were in town visiting MIL, just to say goodbye. And it turns out we haven't been down there since January except for one time when it was impossible for us to see her due to time constraints. So that's all this dinner has to be -- a proper goodbye. I think she wants an ongoing friendship, but I've been thinking a lot about this and agree with all of you that we have to draw some boundaries here. All the more because I think part of this is about my kids and how much she bonded with them and is missing them, and I am not okay with them getting caught in the middle of this. I am happy to be available myself for her to talk to -- ideally to help her get to a place where she has a support system of her own -- but I don't think that needs to include the kids, and I think it will have to be more of a "you can message me on FB if you want my advice on something" relationship rather than a "let's have lunch and catch up on life" kind of deal. BTW, y'all, this is so not me. It is killing me to see a girl who wants both friendship and guidance, and to know that I pretty much have to shut her out. I don't shut people out, ever. :-( I guess I've never needed to before, but getting to this point is just awful. Unless your brother-in-law is a total jerk and the breakup was completely his fault (say, if he was abusing her or something like that, which I'm pretty sure you would have said) I think you're going to have to let blood be thicker than water, at least for right now. I mean, if he's taking this so hard and all. Maybe when things settle down he won't mind so much. I have no idea why they broke up. Neither of them has said a word about it, and I don't intend to pry. But yeah, tbh I don't know if he's the victim here or not. Out of family loyalty I am assuming he is not at fault, and yet I don't think family loyalty requires me to be upset at the girl when I don't know a thing about the circumstances. It doesn't have to be nastiness on her part even if he isn't at fault. Sometimes things don't work out. Oh, and I reread my OP and it does sound like the depression is ongoing, but actually things have settled down since January. But I don't think that changes things much... when he moves on and finds another girl I don't want to have a friendship with his ex that would make her uncomfortable. I think that's a really good point, whoever made that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I also am a dissenter. I have spoken with my dear brother in the past about his relationships and have warned him ahead of time that ______ and I have become good friends. If they break up I still intend to be friends with her. He divorced his wife (no kids) and she was one of my bridesmaids. Yes, I still talk with her. She is remarried and is very happy. Over the years, I have come to acknowledge the fact that my brother is kind of a jerk ( said lovingly, but I would never put up with some of his carp.) I have precious few real-life friends with whom I can spend time and I'm not going to let my brother's actions or whims deprive me of a couple of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I am still good friends with one of my brother's exes. Dumbest decision he ever made was not marrying her while he had the chance but it's his life. They've both moved on and she is now married. I didn't attend the wedding because that would be awkward all around. I love my other brother's current girlfriend to pieces and if they broke up, I'd most likely try to stay friends with her unless the breakup was because she mistreated him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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