Another question about adopting from foster care situations? (Re birth order)

[Ann.without.an.e]

Would you adopt a child older than your youngest? Of course, I wouldn't even consider it an option if the older child was aggressive. My youngest is 5. I have a gap between my youngest and the three oldest. The rig

ht sibling group with one child older and one younger than my current youngest might work ok, right? For example, like a 6-7 year old girl and 2-4 year old boy? What do y'all think?

[Excelsior! Academy]

With the ages and genders you have listed, maybe.

[Slache]

Definitely.

[oneangelwaiting]

We inadvertently did so, we committed to adopting a group of four before we found out we were pregnant the first time. We could have backed out but did not. So far there have been no problems whatsoever. A little bit of a different situation, but I'd definitely consider adopting older kids again if the right situation and kid(s) arose.

[Ottakee]

Maybe.  We did foster out of birth order some depending on the child/ages/needs/gender, etc.

 

Just remember though that your youngest will now become a "middle" child and that might be hard.

 

Also, a girl just older than your youngest girl might be more street wise and teach your youngest a great deal you aren't ready for her to learn yet.  Another caution is that if the adopted daughter isn't ready for more freedom it is much harder to say that "no, 6 year old daughter may not................... " when you let your 5 year old daughter do that same thing.  That can cause a lot of resentment.  For example you might trust your own 5 year old to play outside in the back yard alone but the 6 year old might not be ready for that which then can cause problems when you either say No to the 6 year old until you can go out too or you make your 5 year old stay inside just because 6 year old can't be out alone.

 

That all said, it can work but be prepared for a lot of adjustment.  Also, the general "rule" of adoption is that you take the age the child is when they come to you and double it and that is about when they really settle in and are fully a part of the family.  So for a 6 year old, figure it might take until they are 12 to really totally settle in.  Obviously some kids do this faster, others slower, etc. but that is a guideline.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I haven't adopted through foster care but we were certified.  We were advised to only take kids younger than our youngest. We told my many experienced foster parents not to believe anything the state employees tell you about a child.  What you hear will be minimized. So, there's no way to know if a child will be aggressive until the child is with you.  Some children have behavioral issues that won't show up until much later.

[Momling]

We only foster kids younger than our youngest. It really helps my girls to know they are the role models. Also, because of age and size, they don't feel threatened by the foster kids, and have learned to help with their care. It's good for them!

[Incognito]

It can also be very good for the foster child to be the youngest - they may need some extra baby-ing, which is easier to do if they are the youngest.  Same with the aforementioned issue of needing boundaries that might be tighter than kids who have had a stable background.

[jewellsmommy]

We didn't foster, but we are guardians to a boy that we will likely get to adopt. We only had dd, and ds is only 1 yr and 1 month younger. But, I am glad that he is the younger. There are many things that he has not been ready for (freedom and responsibility wise) that we could handle easily by reminding him that dd is older. He has also gotten physical a number of times with both dd and I. Dd gets a sort of psychological boost to handle those difficult situations by knowing that she is the eldest. It helps her to be able to not feel intimidated even though he is at least as strong if not a wee bit stronger. We also can talk and reason with her about how to handle the mind games he attempts.

 

It is not as scary-bad as it comes across. Things are better now than they used to be. :001_smile:

[imagine.more]

Well we're adopting a girl older than our oldest so yes ;) 

 

It's worked out fine in our situation. Not every family or kid is the right fit for that situation but some most certainly are. Our daughter is 12 and our next oldest is our 6 year old son and then 3.5 year old son and 1.5 year old daughter. Our 6 year old had a bit more adjustment to her coming because he got kind of displaced as eldest but he adjusted just fine. It's like when a kid is youngest for many years and suddenly a new baby comes along and they are no longer the youngest. It's odd but for us his transition has been very similar to that. Sometimes he likes being in the middle and sometimes he wishes he was oldest still. It helps that he's still the oldest boy, he takes great pride in that. He loves his sister though and was all excited about the adoption all the way through. She's very motherly towards the younger ones, so we often have to tone down her parentified behavior but really that's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We only address it for her own sake, we want her to have a real childhood in the little time she has left to be a kid. 

 

I think if you're going to disrupt birth order there are a few things that can help to at least consider. 

 

1) do not take birth order theories too seriously. Birth order does not determine your destiny magically for life. Most kids at some point transition from youngest to oldest or youngest to middle by a new baby being born. Oftentimes because of divorce, remarriage, or simply growing up and moving out a kid will change birth order slightly. It's a real transition worthy of attention but by no means traumatic or all negative

 

2) recognize that different kids' personalities will react differently. My firstborn is a PK (pastor's kid) so he has had to be flexible from birth whether we wanted that or not. We knew he'd adjust fine and he did. 

 

3) prep your kids for it ahead of time, keep communication open but always be no-nonsense and positive about it. Do not ever let a child decide whether you conceive/adopt another child! I've seen families do this and it really messed up the parents, the child who resisted the adoption, and the poor child who ended up being sent away. 

 

4) Be picky about your placements. Better to be safe on the front end and only take kids who really seem to be a good fit that stretch beyond your limit and end up disrupting a placement. The right kid is out there if it's meant to be. Our daughter was specifically listed as "would be good in a family with young children". They wanted young parents because she may take longer to live totally independently and she's deaf and very naive so she's easily taken advantage of by kids her age and older, even her own older bio sister. Kids play tricks on her because she can't hear them all the time. She feels safer around little kids and wants to be a preschool teacher aide someday. She adores our 1 year old, the two girls are inseparable! 

 

5) Look at each situation individually. Sometimes a bigger gap is easier than a smaller one (even the most immature 12 year old has freedoms even the most mature 6 year old just cannot). Adopting a different gender than the kid who is being displaced can help. My son still takes pride in being the oldest boy of the family and he asked to stay the oldest boy, which we felt was a reasonable request and will honor. Also, kids differ in maturity and street-wise-ness. My daughter is so not street-wise, lol! Yes she's seen drugs and stuff but she didn't understand it fully and didn't hear half of what was going on around her. So she might mention her mom smoking crack casually but I've never even heard her use a swear word once. And she's very socially intuitive so she doesn't mention bad stuff around the little kids, only alone with me and DH. So yeah, not all older kids are the same. 

[LMV]

Many advocate that you not consider a foster  placement (or an actual adoption) with a child who is older than your youngest child.  I think in some situations, and with some families and children, this advice is particularly relevant.  In other situations, families, etc I think you can take children who disrupt birth order and make it work. It helps if you and your spouse can honestly and effectively assess your own strengths, limitations, and even particular challenges then evaluate on a case by case basis what works.  This approach also requires that you can trust the information you're being given about the child you're considering bringing into the family.  We've been fortunate that the program we've worked with has really competent caseworkers and we've always been given any information that was known.  I would say that this is the norm in our area but I've heard quite disparate stories from others in other states so this may be a concern for your family.

 

We are a family that have disrupted birth order several times over the years.  Our foster son who we took guardianship of (because adoption was not what felt right to him in his teens) is older than any of our children.  DD14 came into our family as DFD10 when our now DD4 was not quite two months old.  Our current DFD10 originally met us as a medical respite child when she was seven and then stayed with us after her foster parents abandoned her in our home after a respite placement when she eight.  Our youngest biological daughter was not quite a month old at that time.  In both of the latter scenarios several well meaning people cautioned us that we were making a mistake.  At the time, we weren't sure we weren't making a mistake but we firmly believed that we were both girls' best chance (and maybe their only chance---medically fragile kids can be hard to place but can also thrive in the right placement) so we felt we had to try with our eyes wide open.  We were prepared to alter the plan if it wasn't working and we certainly did some adapting and reframing (but we've certainly done this with our biological children as well) but we managed to survive and even thrive as a family.  

 

Please understand that I am not sharing our experiences in any effort to discredit the advice you have been offered.  I still think in many situations the advice to not disrupt birth order can be very sound.  I just also think that each situation needs to be evaluated on individual merits.  I must also offer the disclaimer that I don't believe any of the children we have adopted/accepted guardianship of have had RAD.  I do think if there is a question of that then it is more important that the potentially RAD child be the youngest.  I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all of this information.  We have found our experiences with this whole process challenging and difficult at times but we've also found them rewarding and renewing at other times. I wish you and your husband blessings on your own journey whatever that may be and wherever it may take you. Please reach out with more questions if you have them.