Adopting from foster care without being a foster parent?

[Ann.without.an.e]

If we use a private agency? We've wanted to adopt for a long time. We don't have the money for international adoption or other routes. We are open to all races and are open to 1-2 children 5 and under (to keep birth order). We can work through a local agency and the only cost is the 1,800 home study. They usually only work with families with 2 or fewer kids but they will make an exception for us. They can work with all states so we aren't limited to our state and our state is quirky.

 

What do y'all think? I would love to hear the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly of it.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Are you sure that you wouldn't have some lawyer fees? I would clarify this. Either way, I think it sounds like a great option.

[LMV]

We have adopted through foster care but only in the context of adopting children who came into our lives as therapeutic foster care or medical respite placement children.  In our case, we adopted/ are in the process of adopting children who had become our children so I'm not sure how helpful our experiences will be.  I do think that going straight to adoption with children who have been in foster care can be problematic in some (perhaps many) situations and it may be hard to tell if the child/family are really a good fit without the fostering experience.  Admittedly, there are some parents who do foster, then adopt thinking that things are going well, and then run into problems with attachment later on as well.  I would just be concerned that would be even more likely in a straight to adoption scenario from foster care.

 

Please don't take my words as discouragement.  If you and your family are able to be the family for a child in need I think that would be great, I just want you to understand the journey you are embarking on.  If you have any questions I would be happy to try to answer them.

 

 

[MommytoFour]

We adopted all four of our kids from foster care (however, we were foster parents).

$1800 is pretty high for a home study. You might be able to get it done cheaper by an outside agency, if they allow that.

 

Keep in mind that many kids that are legally free (parents' rights have been terminated already) have special needs. So you should think about what type of needs you'd be willing to take on, if any. There will likely be legal fees when you finalize the adoption, but the state should pay for them or reimburse you for them.

 

Good luck!

[Ann.without.an.e]

We have adopted through foster care but only in the context of adopting children who came into our lives as therapeutic foster care or medical respite placement children.  In our case, we adopted/ are in the process of adopting children who had become our children so I'm not sure how helpful our experiences will be.  I do think that going straight to adoption with children who have been in foster care can be problematic in some (perhaps many) situations and it may be hard to tell if the child/family are really a good fit without the fostering experience.  Admittedly, there are some parents who do foster, then adopt thinking that things are going well, and then run into problems with attachment later on as well.  I would just be concern that would be even more likely in a straight to adoption scenario from foster care.

 

Please don't take my words as discouragement.  If you and your family are able to be the family for a child in need I think that would be great, I just want you to understand the journey you are embarking on.  If you have any questions I would be happy to try to answer them.

 

 

I totally agree.  I would actually prefer to foster first, but there are restrictions on fostering (but not adoption) that make it impossible for us.  For example, each child being fostered has to have their own bedroom.  We have a decent sized home (2400 square ft) but only 3 bedrooms.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

We adopted all four of our kids from foster care (however, we were foster parents).

$1800 is pretty high for a home study. You might be able to get it done cheaper by an outside agency, if they allow that.

 

Keep in mind that many kids that are legally free (parents' rights have been terminated already) have special needs. So you should think about what type of needs you'd be willing to take on, if any. There will likely be legal fees when you finalize the adoption, but the state should pay for them or reimburse you for them.

 

Good luck!

 

 

$1800 is an outside agency.  I am hearing what you are saying about special needs.  I think most kids without those needs are placed with foster parents.  :/

[Mommyof4ks]

I totally agree. I would actually prefer to foster first, but there are restrictions on fostering (but not adoption) that make it impossible for us. For example, each child being fostered has to have their own bedroom. We have a decent sized home (2400 square ft) but only 3 bedrooms.

Is this a state rule or just one with the agency you talked too. We have some fairly strict rules in my state, but have a separate room for each child would make it impossible for most people to foster. Wow.

 

As for your question, finding legally free kids under 5 that are basically healthy will be very difficult, because foster parents usually adopt those kids (I know, I am doing just that :)), or they go to families that have an 'in' with a caseworker who knows they are looking for a child of a certain age to adopt (it may not be the most ethical thing, but it happens). I would ask your agency how successful they are with finding kids in your range. Know also, that many foster kids have sibs that come into care, and there is a push to keep them together, so ask yourself if your family is willing to take any sibs and where would you draw the line. Our STBAS has 2 sibs (adopted before he was born), and we know more will likely be born as the years go on. We have our set number, and we are willing to help keep the sibs in contact throughout childhood. Be sure to find out if your state has legally enforacble open adoption agreements also, and if so what do the biological parents want in terms of contact (usually they give their request at the time of termination of their rights). Just a few things to think about.

 

How exciting! Adopting through foster care can be a big hassle, but it is so worth it once you are holding your child!

[Carrie12345]

I think it's an interesting route, and I understand the issue with foster restrictions (we have a 3bd, too) but it isn't a route I'd be willing to take.  Just knowing the situations my mom (who works for a foster care agency) and sister (who is a therapist for foster and adoptive families) encounter, the risks would be too high for me.  Unless maybe the age range was kept under 1, which obviously still has risks, but ones I'd be more willing to take.

[texasmama]

I've done home studies, and $1800 is high, I agree. Does that include other legal fees?

[MommytoFour]

$1800 is an outside agency.  I am hearing what you are saying about special needs.  I think most kids without those needs are placed with foster parents.  :/

 

One of my sons was legally free when he was placed with us. He was 2 years old, no special needs at all. He had sadly been living in a children shelter for a few months because of clerical error, that basically forgot to place him into a foster home. So it's not impossible to find young, legally free kids without special needs, but as you know, it's not extremely common.

 

Regarding the rule about the bedrooms, many times they make exceptions for those type of rules. For example, our agency had a rule that we couldn't have more than two foster children under 2 years old in our home. However, at one point, I had four 1-year-olds and a 2-year-old. :)

[Ann.without.an.e]

Is this a state rule or just one with the agency you talked too.!

 

State rule :/. Well, if there are 6+ years between the age of the foster child and any other kids in that room. That would be the case with us.

[umsami]

State rule :/. Well, if there are 6+ years between the age of the foster child and any other kids in that room. That would be the case with us.

 

Can you double/triple up your kids and add the new kids to a separate room for themselves?  Even if only temporary?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Can you double/triple up your kids and add the new kids to a separate room for themselves?  Even if only temporary?

 

 

Yes, our girl's bedroom is pretty big and we could put two sets of bunks in it.  My older three really, really want to adopt.  It might be a sacrifice they need to make.  

[LMV]

Yes, our girl's bedroom is pretty big and we could put two sets of bunks in it.  My older three really, really want to adopt.  It might be a sacrifice they need to make.  

 

Are all four of your kids girls? If so, then, with three bedrooms, I guess you can do parents, daughters, and fosters.  That would require that any sibling pairs you take are of the same gender though.  You may also run into guidelines on the size of room required to share.  I'm not sure if that applies to all children in the house or just foster children.

 

We are not allowed to put children together unless they are full biological siblings and then we need caseworker approval.  We have enough bedrooms to separate DFD10 and DFD6 but they prefer to share a room [their caseworker is great and trusts us to do what is right for them so she had no problem] so we moved them both into a bigger room and that is working.  If we want to put kids together we're supposed to have at least 100 square feet per child and technically DFD10's original room was a few square feet short of the requisite space.

 

I hope it works.  I do think that having the opportunity to foster before proceeding to adoption is a good thing.

[Ottakee]

Not sure in your state but here in Michigan you must be licensed as a foster parent in order to adopt through the state.  This is because when the kids come to you they are still officially foster children until the adoption is finalized---6m-1 year or more later.  Here each foster child must have their own BED but not bedroom.  We only have to have 40 sq feet per child in a bedroom.

[imagine.more]

We're adopting straight from foster care and have not truly fostered ever. We did end up getting dual-licensed but got placed with our daughter before we had a chance to be asked to foster. 

 

In any case, everything has been free for us. The most we've paid is $20 for fingerprint clearances and I think we were even reimbursed for that. We got pregnant in the middle of the home study process, lol, so we took a break, bought a bigger home, had the baby, and then finished up so we got licensed when my youngest was 1 month old. It took 9 months to get a placement though....a LONG 9 months!  We inquired regularly about kids on the waiting child lists for our state and worked with our social workers. Finally we were interviewed for and matched with an 11 year old biracial girl with hearing impairment and learning issues. We met her, she spent a weekend with us 2 weeks later, then she moved in. She'll be adopted right at the 1 year mark from moving into our home, which is a typical timeline. Our experience has been overwhelmingly positive. Now of course there are issues to work through (anger at/sympathy for birth parents, silly foster care rules, adjusting to a whole new person with her own likes/dislikes and habits) but really it's been no big deal. 

 

Don't let "special needs" labels scare you away, everything in foster care is a special need. Being not-white, being over age 5, being a sibling group, or having even minor physical or mental special needs. Our daughter might not transition to adulthood the way other kids do but she'll be fine. She's learning and finally making progress with lots of remediation and her hearing impairment is not a big deal actually. We just make sure she can see our lips when we speak to her and I may have gotten a bit louder since she moved in :) 

 

Our daughter loves little kids and gets along really well with our younger 3, especially the baby, who she adores. 

 

But you also need to be realistic about some of the experiences these kids have had, especially younger ones who cannot process what's happened to them and may act out in anger or just ignorance. One mom I spoke to said she had to teach her foster kids what a toothbrush was. My 11 year old daughter didn't know where babies come from still or that all people die eventually. We've had some odd conversations to be sure, lol! I suggest reading up on everything you can so you can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That's how we approached things. Also, don't be afraid to be fairly restrictive for safety with other kids in the house, we were. We said no to any kids with histories of sexual acting out or aggression. Even with that we know stuff can come up later that nobody knew about so we put up some healthy boundaries like separate bedrooms and kept baby monitors in the little kids' rooms even though we didn't need to. That has been a non-issue for our daughter but I'm still glad we took the precautions. Also, do not assume that a child under 5 will not have those behaviors. If they've been abused they may not realize what healthy boundaries are and it'll be up to you to teach them. 

 

Also, I highly recommend finding a trustworthy babysitter you can use to get a break every now and then. It's stressful to keep to the rules that require you never leave the foster-adoptive child alone without an approved caregiver, it means you can get burnt out and overwhelmed by the sheer neediness of lots of kids even if they're good kids. My daughter is awesome but she's also very ADHD and overwhelming to me as a bookwormish introvert. So getting  a few hours a week where a college girl comes and plays with my kids while I run errands and hide out reading in my car elsewhere has provided much-needed balance for me. It also teaches her that Mommy can go away for a bit and always comes back when she says she will. Her birth mom used to ditch the kids for hours or days at a time to do drugs and they couldn't find her so for many months my daughter would get super anxious anytime I left the house at all. 

 

So yeah, that has been our experience :) If you have any more questions feel free to message me!

[Pamela H in Texas]

For most states, to adopt from fostercare, you have to meet certain requirements including foster classes because they address the concerns of children of the system.  Additionally, in most places, you have to foster X months (in TX it is 6 months) before adoption to make sure of the fit.  

 

But if you wanted to straight adopt here, you would simply get a foster and adopt homestudy done after the classes and background checks and everything.  It wouldn't cost you anything other than FBI check and TB test and physical.  

 

We are currently fostering one baby at a time (Squishy is 5 days old today!) while pursuing a legal risk / straight adopt situation (girl under 13). It doesn't cost us anything at all for straight adopt though we won't get the fostercare stipend during the six months required placement time.  

 

Anyway, so the only real concern I have about your scenario is to make sure you are fully adoption ready including being able to foster until the adoptive placement can legally be adopted as well as for you to meet all the requirements of most states, including training.  

[Pamela H in Texas]

But you also need to be realistic about some of the experiences these kids have had, especially younger ones who cannot process what's happened to them and may act out in anger or just ignorance. 

 

Let me double, triple, quadruple this.  SOOOOOOOOO many people want infants and toddlers and preschoolers thinking they have less baggage.  Actually, they don't.  They often have JUST as much "baggage."  Worse, they often have a *very* hard time processing it because preverbal trauma is hard to address.  They didn't have words for what was happening or how they were feeling when it happened so they aren't rational about it.  Many times, they have reactions they don't understand.  And many times, no amount of reasoning will change things, at least not for a long long time.

 

My three were adopted from fostercare.  We were their 9th home.  We got them at 3, 4, and 5 years old.  The neglect, abuse, trauma, multiple homes, etc most certainly had an effect, things we deal with daily.  

 

We are currently being considered for two adoptive situations.  One is a 12yo girl.  The other is two girls, ages 8 and 9.  Or maybe some 5yo or 10yo will come to our attention.  We'll see.  

[Ottakee]

Let me double, triple, quadruple this.  SOOOOOOOOO many people want infants and toddlers and preschoolers thinking they have less baggage.  Actually, they don't.  They often have JUST as much "baggage."  Worse, they often have a *very* hard time processing it because preverbal trauma is hard to address.  They didn't have words for what was happening or how they were feeling when it happened so they aren't rational about it.  Many times, they have reactions they don't understand.  And many times, no amount of reasoning will change things, at least not for a long long time.

 

My three were adopted from fostercare.  We were their 9th home.  We got them at 3, 4, and 5 years old.  The neglect, abuse, trauma, multiple homes, etc most certainly had an effect, things we deal with daily.  

 

We are currently being considered for two adoptive situations.  One is a 12yo girl.  The other is two girls, ages 8 and 9.  Or maybe some 5yo or 10yo will come to our attention.  We'll see.  

 

THIS IS SOOOOOO TRUE.  And things might come out even years later in the form of reactions that you don't understand and they don't even understand but if you know the whole history makes sense.  Once I took my then 2 year old daughter to a place she had been as a 7 month old with her bio parents and she had a very intense reaction.  A very PTSD time that took us days to get over.  My one that came at 7 1/2 years old had the easiest adjustment time so there are no givens in this area.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Here is my reply from the organization

 

 

It was a pleasure meeting you both last week. To answer your question, I have had several calls and received correspondence from case workers from different counties who have siblings on their caseload who do not have significant medical/behavioral needs. I think it’s going to really depend on what you consider significant…. You won’t need to go through licensing with foster care because you will be approved as an adoptive family and will receive the same training that you would if you became foster parents. But you technically will be “foster parents†because the adoption cannot be finalized before 6 months. Families who go through private agencies to become approved as adoptive parents are not required to become foster parents to work with DSS on placement. Hopefully this clears up your questions. If you have further questions though let me know. Have a great day!

 

 

What do y'all think?

[texasmama]

Sounds like a very typical answer, in my experience. Not in a bad way. :)

 

Each sibling group needs to be looked at individually, of course. Ask a lot of questions and do not go in with what I like to call "we will love them into wellness". Things like attachment disorder are not understood by most people. I've watched some pretty tough things in my years of working in the foster/adopt system from people whose expectations were not realistic. In spite of much information from me, I had a family member who rushed willy nilly into adopting the first sibling group they met, and the results have been pretty devastating. Still are.

 

Not that your family is in this category, Charleigh. It just cannot be overstated. Most of the issues were predictable, but my relatives did not understand that they would not be able to love and discipline the kids into having no issues. Attachment disorder and fetal alcohol effects are not "curable". Yes, there are therapies for RAD, but these kids will not react or relate as typical kids or adults no matter how much love is given to them. Not a popular stance, but I have watched it up close and personal so many times.

[Ottakee]

Here is my reply from the organization

 

 

It was a pleasure meeting you both last week. To answer your question, I have had several calls and received correspondence from case workers from different counties who have siblings on their caseload who do not have significant medical/behavioral needs. I think it’s going to really depend on what you consider significant…. You won’t need to go through licensing with foster care because you will be approved as an adoptive family and will receive the same training that you would if you became foster parents. But you technically will be “foster parents†because the adoption cannot be finalized before 6 months. Families who go through private agencies to become approved as adoptive parents are not required to become foster parents to work with DSS on placement. Hopefully this clears up your questions. If you have further questions though let me know. Have a great day!

 

 

What do y'all think?

 

My question would be then............will you still qualify for the post adoption monthly subsidy, Medicaid, and other stuff if you were not licensed as foster parents first?  While you are not adopting for the money, it can not be understated how helpful an adoption subsidy is after the adoption.  It helps with added expenses above and beyond what "typical" kids need, can help with respite care, etc.  The Medicaid is also very helpful for any co=pays, if you dh loses health insurance at any point, etc.  I would not want to adopt a sibling group through foster care without a subsidy package.

 

[Spryte]

We adopted from foster care without technically being foster parents. We were an approved foster family, and there was a newborn that came into care with TPR signed. What we have is an open adoption essentially, but it went through DSS.

 

Interestingly, with regard to being foster parents till the adoption is finalized - that's what we expected but our social worker was adamant that we had a different legal standing, and were Prospective Adoptive Parents instead. There's a distinction in our state.

 

I can't answer anything about subsidies. We did not receive any.

[texasmama]

Typically, adopting through the CPS system, even using a private agency, still qualifies for subsidies, Medicaid and post adoption supports. This is in Texas, though. Every state has different regs.

[Ann.without.an.e]

We adopted from foster care without technically being foster parents. We were an approved foster family, and there was a newborn that came into care with TPR signed. What we have is an open adoption essentially, but it went through DSS.

 

Interestingly, with regard to being foster parents till the adoption is finalized - that's what we expected but our social worker was adamant that we had a different legal standing, and were Prospective Adoptive Parents instead. There's a distinction in our state.

 

I can't answer anything about subsidies. We did not receive any.

Maybe because it was an infant?

[Spryte]

Maybe because it was an infant?

 

Oh, yes.  We agreed to it!  She was a healthy infant.  :)  No special needs.  In our state, after a certain age kids are considered "special needs" for subsidy purposes, even if they don't have medical needs.  But in our case - healthy newborn.  We were even in the delivery room, and did all of the immediate, rooming in type care while she stayed in the hospital.  No complaints here.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

Oh, yes. We agreed to it! She was a healthy infant. :) No special needs. In our state, after a certain age kids are considered "special needs" for subsidy purposes, even if they don't have medical needs. But in our case - healthy newborn. We were even in the delivery room, and did all of the immediate, rooming in type care while she stayed in the hospital. No complaints here.

 

That sounds so ideal :).

[Spryte]

That sounds so ideal :).

 

It does sound that way, though I must admit that it has not been easy.  Every adoption has it's own set of issues.  We are pro-open adoption and our other child's adoption is fully open, and we have all worked hard to keep it that way.  We wanted the same for our DD, but it hasn't worked that way.  There has been some animosity from extended birthfamily.  I could write a novel about it, but it's better for a pm.  

 

Funny, though, our SW said, during our foster parent training, that she's only once seen an infant come into the system with TPR signed and available for adoption - in 30 years.  So we did not expect it.  At all.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

It does sound that way, though I must admit that it has not been easy.  Every adoption has it's own set of issues.  We are pro-open adoption and our other child's adoption is fully open, and we have all worked hard to keep it that way.  We wanted the same for our DD, but it hasn't worked that way.  There has been some animosity from extended birthfamily.  I could write a novel about it, but it's better for a pm.  

 

Funny, though, our SW said, during our foster parent training, that she's only once seen an infant come into the system with TPR signed and available for adoption - in 30 years.  So we did not expect it.  At all.  

 

 

I had never ever heard of it.  I guess it was meant to be....she was meant to be yours ;)