Can you help me with this/ did I do the right thing, should I do more

[Chris in VA]

My brother died nearly 10 years ago. I was very close to my sister-in-law, but now we are somewhat estranged. Not really estranged, exactly, but we haven't communicated a lot.

 

She called a couple of weeks ago and said she'd be in town (DC) and wanted to know if I wanted to get together. It's awkward to talk with her because of some unresolved grief I have WRT that whole time/brother's funeral, etc. I was at work and called her (I was at a dog walk but really wanted to talk to her). I was distracted, but invited her to stay, sincerely.

 

So she called again (last week, I think) and I guess I sounded a little less enthusiastic. I asked her what she wanted to do and such--and I didn't have any ideas of where we could go myself. She hates museums, so DC is basically out (we are not going to wander around Chinatown or Georgetown or whatever). I stumbled over my words a lot--we don't really DO much around here. So I guess I gave the impression I don't want her here, or it would be a burden or something.

 

I got a FB message that she is disappointed (not in me), but thinks it best that she go back with the group she's driving down with, and spend the weekend with her kids, esp one who is traveling overseas the next week. (Grown kids--college and above) I just felt the first line was a tell that she doesn't feel welcome--"I think it's best if I ..."

 

So I responded that I was disappointed too, and hoped it wasn't my phone call that made it sound like I don't want to see her.

 

I suck at this.

 

Did I do enough?

[PrincessMommy]

That's a hard call.   Do you want to see her?

 

I think if it were me, I'd try to call (not pm) and explain that I was tired when she called and I didn't mean to sound unenthusiastic about her visit, but that the idea of going to a museum was not appealing. 

 

Maybe you can offer to meet her for lunch or coffee or something?   Does she really want to *do* something?  How about a walk along the river?  IIRC, you're in/near Alexandria?  There's that nice walk that I see people at during the day along the river near the airport (Rt 1??)...if it's a nice day maybe you can meet near there and walk and chat.  It's a beautiful area.

 

Or was she set on doing museums or something?   

 

The thing is, I'd call her - not PM.

[Chris in VA]

Ok, I'll call her. She is the one who hates museums, not me--just to clarify. 

 

I'm not going to drive into DC at 2pm in the afternoon, and I think they are leaving then, anyway (she's with other people, driving in her own car with someone riding with her) to beat the traffic north, but maybe we can do something.

 

I do want to see her. I am working on healing our relationship.

 

She did suggest getting together this summer--that's a possibility.

 

Thanks--my grief and my aspieness get in the way. I appreciate your reply.

[J-rap]

I'll ditto Debbi and say that perhaps you could try one more time?  (Not because you handled it poorly the first time, but just because -- for whatever reasons -- she might need a little extra encouragement.) 

 

You could say that you just wanted to reassure her that you really would love to see her and have her come stay with you.  You could even suggest a couple things you could do.  Maybe a nice walk, go out for coffee, or see a movie together. 

 

I think where lots of emotions or distance are involved, it's easy to miscommunicate and then miss an opportunity as a result.  (It has happened to me!  I remember especially once when I was more in your SIL's position.  I just needed my old friend to "push" the situation a little, and when she didn't, I took it as lack of interest.  In retrospect, I realize she was just being careful with her approach but she really would have loved to have seen me.)

[Alessandra]

I'd say what you wrote here -- that you do want to see her and heal the relationship. Can she please change her plans so you can get together in VA or DC, whatever she likes.

 

I'd skip any apologies or references to the other conversations unless she asks.

 

And do it by phone, not email or, god help us, FB.

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

 

I do want to see her. I am working on healing our relationship.

 

. . .

 

Thanks--my grief and my aspieness get in the way. I appreciate your reply.

 

As the others suggested, I would call, and I would tell her, "I want to see you, I am glad you are a part of my life" (or whatever you feel is appropriate there). If it were ME, I would also say, "You know I am socially awkward, and sometimes I worry about saying the wrong thing. But I do want to see you--now or later this summer, or both--whatever works best for you."

 

Personally, I found that I have been so guarded. I have been saying what's on my heart though to a few people lately, and it's helped to break down some of that barrier.  (Nothing major, just 'I am so glad we got together, I enjoy our friendship because you make me feel _____________' type of stuff.)

[Chris in VA]

Re FB communication--it's only PM, not on someone's wall or anything.

She did Pm me back and tell me where her dd is going to be in England, but no mention of the other part of my note to her.

So, it is what it is.

[happi duck]

I think she should see her kids instead...especially the one traveling.

 

If you do want to work on this relationship make a plan for the summer...Imho just a short visit that is made a priority.

[Anne]

I agree with the others, especially with the suggestion of calling her.

 

Anne

[Laurie4b]

As the others suggested, I would call, and I would tell her, "I want to see you, I am glad you are a part of my life" (or whatever you feel is appropriate there). If it were ME, I would also say, "You know I am socially awkward, and sometimes I worry about saying the wrong thing. But I do want to see you--now or later this summer, or both--whatever works best for you."

 

 

 

I really agree with this. It would be normal to attribute what you describe your conversation sounding like to "she doesn't want to see me." I think it's necessary to give a specific alternate explanation. If you are comfortable referring to your aspieness and that you were at a loss of ideas if museums were out, but that you really do want to see her, I think that would be helpful. 

 

And consider talking with someone (counselor, pastor, wise friend) about your unresolved grief issues. That's your stuff, not hers, even though it is normal that she triggers it.

[Chris in VA]

Thanks for the replies; I really appreciate your help with this.

 

Ball's in her court now--and I think the court is closed.

 

I've done extensive grief work, including TIR, but grief is an onion, isn't it? I think it's anger, really, and hurt, all tied up in my brother's death. And, I'm different than I was when we were close. Part of me doesn't want the same kind of relationship as we had--so I have to figure that out, too.

 

She's 6 hours away, so visits are not "just around the corner" kinda deals. She's here for 2 days and will not really have time to come here, and there's no extra time in her schedule to get to her, so I guess we'll try to set something up this summer.

 

Thanks again.