birchbark Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 We need to change something and are looking for advice. I am the oldest of six kids who are all married now, and most have young children. My mom moved out of the "home place" a year ago, which was where we used to spend holiday gatherings. It was huge, a converted barn. We were truly spoiled when it came to space! So now DH and I have the biggest, most centrally located home, and naturally we are doing the bulk of the hosting. Two of the six families are from out of state, and need lodging as well, so we had one of those. This year it was eleven days. I am an introvert who highly prizes my privacy. I also dislike hosting even a single meal. So lodging a family for a week and a half, plus hosting the huge Christmas Eve celebration, on top of a bridal shower I helped with, on top of the stomach flu which made its rounds after Christmas, on top of a family wedding this weekend . . . means I am BURNT OUT. I never thought I would say this, but I'm beginning to hate Christmas. And I don't want to. My family members do help with meals, which is nice, but I just can't handle all the people and kids and activities and all the, shall we say, "intense parenting" that comes with young couples and their first child. You know, wanting the whole house to be quiet because someone is taking a nap, etc. :) So DH and I feel we need to set some limits, but are not sure how. I don't want to be considered selfish or tacky for turning away family members at Christmas. Has anyone been in a similar boat and able to share advice or ideas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think that you should be honest. Your email says it all - just forward it on to your brothers and sisters! Then sit back and let them come up with some solutions while you have a glass of well deserved wine! Myra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I would probably still host the meals, at least next year but say "no" to hosting overnight guests. Give them a list of local hotels, or let one of the other siblings host them, since you are hosting the meals. I'd be fine with the company overnight, but it sounds like that part is the hardest for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I would probably still host the meals, at least next year but say "no" to hosting overnight guests. Give them a list of local hotels, or let one of the other siblings host them, since you are hosting the meals. I'd be fine with the company overnight, but it sounds like that part is the hardest for you. Yes. You can handle the people, or the parties, but not both. If you accept the people (houseguests), set a limit for how long they can stay. I can't imagine the same folks staying 11 days - or did you have overlappers? I would be sure no one stayed more than 3-4 nights and that I had a full 24 hours before the arrival of a second wave. I think it's more than reasonable for you to let your siblings know the burden must be shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamom Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Can you do it someplace else? We just got back from a 3 day family reunion in the mountains at a state park. We had 48 people in lodges and cabins -- all of the meals were organized by spreadsheet and everyone helped with clean up. (My mom is the oldest of 7). It was a bit of work but also great fun. Kids could run and play, adults could talk, everyone could play games and when it came time for little ones nap they could go to their cabin/room and sleep or get a break. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchbark Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Can you do it someplace else? We just got back from a 3 day family reunion in the mountains at a state park. We had 48 people in lodges and cabins -- all of the meals were organized by spreadsheet and everyone helped with clean up. (My mom is the oldest of 7). It was a bit of work but also great fun. Kids could run and play, adults could talk, everyone could play games and when it came time for little ones nap they could go to their cabin/room and sleep or get a break. Just a thought. I like this idea. Was it expensive? Some of the families don't have a lot of money to contribute. Which is why hotels would not be an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 11 days is a long time to be uncomfortable in your own home. Next year you won't have the bridal shower, and hopefully not the flu. If you limit houseguests to 5 days tops that will make a world of difference. I don't know that there's a tactful way to explain that you won't maintain a nap-centric home, but I'd try to find one. It's on them as traveling parents to get their child used to napping in situations other than a perfectly quiet house. I'm guessing this will be less of an issue as their napper ages and more kids come along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamom Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I like this idea. Was it expensive? Some of the families don't have a lot of money to contribute. Which is why hotels would not be an option. I'm not sure because my mom paid for my family to go. I'm thinking it was around $50 a night for the 3 nights we were there. In our area that's way less than a hotel room. It might be worth checking local or centrally located parks and seeing what the prices are. The 16 person lodge where we were is about $300 per night and divided by 16 people it works out to be about $20 per night per person. The park is about 4 hours from 90% of my family members so it wasn't too bad of a drive for most of them. We've done this for the last 3 years and it is something we all look forward to. We are already planning next year because we missed out getting a second big lodge which would have made things easier. Meals are always kind of fun because we set theme meals (soup night, casserole night, hot dog night) and we get a variety of good homecooked food. Let me know if you need more information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Even people with only one child should consciously make noise during naptime. Nap-centered culture is oppressive. You'll just have to point out that expecting people in a house to be quiet for the baby is not realistic. Then offer the name of a local, modestly priced hotel if they really want it quiet during naptime. One option is to make a conscious choice to change the family culture by no longer hosting over night guests. My family is all local and I describe us as a "pack of lone wolves." We're independent-even with extended relatives from out of town. No one in my family culture expects to ever stay with anyone out of town-ever. We wouldn't even consider going somewhere unless we could afford a hotel,B&B, or campsite. There is no command from God that every sibling has to see their siblings every Christmas. Maybe they need to save up for a couple of years and have a small Christmas at their own home with friends who are local in the meantime. They could volunteer to serve at their local food bank or shelter if they're not spending it with family.Another option is to only offer a very specific, limited time in your home. You have to be prepared to be direct and precise up front and willing to tell people to leave if they over stay. 11 days is bizarrely long from what I hear about other people hosting out of town guests. You can offer a few days-be specific which ones you're willing to do and don't budge on it. I think it's perfectly reasonable that someone getting free lodging for the night should take the hostess and family out for a meal or pay to have it brought in. Pizza is perfectly fine if they're on a budget. If it's an elderly dependent relative, I wouldn't expect that.You can offer to do things the way my mother does when her cousins visit. She says, "I'd love to have you over for lunch when you're in town on ___________day the _____st/nd/rd/th from ___:____ to ____:_____. Would you like me to send you links to nearby hotels?" Or, if she's not up to hosting she says, "I'd love to meet your for lunch when you're in town. When are you available? Do you have a place you like to eat here or should I make some suggestions?" She doesn't offer overnights anymore. When they did stay over night or a night or two, they typically took my mother and step-dad out for lunch or dinner each day they stayed. We take turns hosting holidays around here. Since there are over 20 of us for Thanksgiving and Christmas, no one hosts both. Anyone who didn't host last time is able to offer to host this time. If no one wants to, we meet up and eat out somewhere (and pay a very generous tip to the wait staff.) We do separate checks because we have that kind of family culture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Hotel, and if it is cost prohibitive, the visit time should be cut down to what is affordable. That's what I would do. 11 days...ouch. As an introvert, I would be crawling out of my skin. I would consider moving to a nuclear-family centered Christmas, and have the extended family meet for a 4 day weekend for New Year's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe it's more the norm for your family, but it's hard for me to imagine that anyone would be shocked or surprised that hosting houseguests for 11 days(!!) might be too much or would be opposed to your making other suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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