Anyone who had one parent die and the other parent start dating soon afterwards...help

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[kitten18]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

We've been through this scenario as well, and it is super hard. I would agree with other posters who have mentioned how common it seems to be for men, especially, to remarry very shortly after losing their spouse.

I do think that your grief and your sister's grief is equally important with your dad's grief and should be allowed out in the open. I wouldn't uninvite the new lady, but I would say something like, "Dad, I'm so glad that you are making lots of important connections with friends, both new and old. This has been such a difficult time for you! It has been so hard for us, too. Thinking about this upcoming holiday without mom is really hard, and I have to be honest and let you know that seeing your new friend there when mom isn't will probably bring up a lot of sad feelings for me. I'm glad she can come and I don't want you to feel bad for moving ahead with your life because that is what we all want for you. I just want to share with you as my dad that I'm still really grieving right now."

Prayers for you all as you journey through this season-

Elaine

That sounds great.

[Incognito]

Are you talking about Thanksgiving invite or dating??

no, no - not permission to date. But, something along the lines of "I'm think I've found someone I really like, how do you feel about that?" or "I really like K, what do you think about her?"    More - "this is what I'm planning to do" rather than "this is what I've done."  A way to ease the landing.  I know it's subtle, but I think there's a difference.   I'm not comfortable with the attitude that I can just live my life whatever way I want to and the h*ll with anyone else.  If you have family, they should be considered - but not asked permission of.  Does that make sense? 

 

While I agree that it would be nice if your dad phrased things more softly, a lot of people don't talk like that.  I don't know if I know a man in my life who asks what I think or feel about most choices they make.  These aren't heartless abuser men, these are just people who express what they think and would expect the same in return.  When one doesn't return the volley by expressing without being asked, it doesn't work great for communicating, but if you realize they are communicating in a slightly different pattern than you are looking for, then you adjust yourself (because you can only really ever change yourself, not someone else).

 

Also, if your dad has told you he has visited this woman twice in the last few months, is it really that big of a shock that he might invite her for a holiday to visit him too?  You may not have realized what your dad was communicating to you when he told you about visiting this person.  Did you ask him about his visits with her?  It sounds like he did open the lines of communication about it if you wanted to.

 

I imagine the whole scenario must be really hard.  I think that expecting to change the communication dynamic in your family in the midst of the grieving might be a bit unrealistic.  Wait and/or work on how you choose to communicate your interests and needs, but don't work on changing how someone else communciates theirs.

[PeterPan]

 

Also, if your dad has told you he has visited this woman twice in the last few months, is it really that big of a shock that he might invite her for a holiday to visit him too?  You may not have realized what your dad was communicating to you when he told you about visiting this person.  Did you ask him about his visits with her?  It sounds like he did open the lines of communication about it if you wanted to.

 

Not only that, but in our family it would be tantamount to getting engaged, a final check before they seal the deal.  You should be mentally prepared for it, just in case.  Cry your tears privately now so you can be happy for him.  

[KarenNC]

I'm sorry, it's very difficult. My mother died suddenly in June, my father started dating in July, was engaged by October and married again in February. I was 19 and my sister several years younger. It didn't help that he tried to cut us off from all contact with my mother's family (I'd been at my grandmother's house almost every day of my life to that point) and the church in which we (and my mother) had grown up (he had been moving more evangelical and my stepmother shared that, my mother did not) because my maternal uncle and grandmother objected to his dating again so quickly. Hopefully you can talk with your dad about this and help him see your concerns without his deciding to cut or minimize ties with the family in favor of a new relationship, but I've seen it happen more than once.

[KungFuPanda]

Honestly, I wouldn't speak to him about the way he told you. It'll just add frustration for everyone. The man wasn't given a script, so telling him he's doing it wrong after the fact won't help anyone. I know you all miss your mom, but try to treat your dad like you're glad you still have him. If he were to go, I don't think anyone would regret skipping this conversation.

[fairfarmhand]

My FIL started dating within 3 months of my MIL's passing.  Dh found it especially hard to deal with because 1) She was only a couple of years older than dh, and 2) Dh and his sister felt she was using FIL.  We found out she was, and he left, but started dating soon after.  He ended up marrying less than a year after MIL passed, and his current wife is a lovely woman.  She understands that when dh is there, he will talk about his mother.  She doesn't try to take MIL's place, and respects the fact that sometimes FIL and dh's conversations turn to his mom.  

 

Honestly, I see this SO often in men.  They are used to having a wife to take care of them, and I see a lot of them finding a new spouse within a year or two.  Doesnt make it any easier, but it is very common.  FIL said it was a compliment to MIL....because she did such a good job of being there for him, that he missed that immensely when she passed.

this is one thing that I really appreciate about my new step mom. She doesn't seem threatened by the fact that our family had a life before she was a part of it.

 

I think that people over the age of 35 or so know so much more about who they want to spend their lives with. They don't end up waiting around because they know how short life can be and they already understand their "deal breakers".

[hillfarm]

We went through a somewhat similar situation with dh's mother. She took up with a gentleman friend rather suddenly after she was widowed. Thank goodness dh's aunt called us with a head's up that mil would be bringing a "special friend" to the holiday gathering. Certainly it would have been nice to have prior notice but no, we had to hear it 3rd hand and barely got any notice at all of what we were about to walk into.

 

But the bottom line is that each person has to own their own grieving process. It is a recipe for pain and disaster to expect anyone  to behave in a certain manner that someone else considers appropriate. Your dad did probably think he had given you a hint that he was seeing someone by telling you when he had stopped off at her house. I'm sure he doesn't want to upset anyone, but he is probably pretty busy dealing with his own emotions these days, and not very aware of or able to soothe those of others.

 

I suggest you cut him some slack. Put on a gracious face and move forward. I wouldn't mention anything about him doing anything wrong. If you feel the need, you might mention that you and your sister are struggling with the loss of your mother and leave it at that. If you have to say something, you might also casually mention that if in the future he was planning on bringing a guest, it would be good to have as much notice as possible so that you could welcome them - have a small Christmas gift for them, have an extra bed made up, learn more about their food preferences/allergies or dietary needs, etc.

 

Don't speak to him on behalf of your sister. She should deal with him herself, not make you an intermediary in the relationship. Don't get cast in the role of telling him how others feel about the situation. Let everyone own up to their own feelings about this and if it bothers them enough, let them speak with him. Because if you are telling him that someone else feels blah, blah, blah, he will remember those sentiments coming out of your mouth and associate them with you. 

[Cinder]

A friend was in a similar situation but the time between when her father died and when her mother started seeing someone else was two years. It just felt too soon for my friend. Her father had been in a nursing home for many years. I don't know how many but more than 5 as he was already there when friend and I met. He was in extremely poor health and I can only imagine that friend's mother had been mourning all those years until his death. I could understand this from my outsider's perspective but friend was not ready to accept that her mother was ready to move on. I don't think friend said anything to her mother but I know she shared with her siblings who apparently felt the same way. Friend tried her best to be supportive but it was still a really hard transition. :grouphug:

[zoobie]

If this were my dad, he would be lost and lonely without his wife (my stepmother, but they've been married since I was 4). He is extremely introverted and has a very small social circle. His wife handles all of their social stuff. He'll pass the phone to her when making plans with us. ("Here, let me pass you to the social chair.") She arranges their visits to his parents. She spearheads their going to church, going out with friends, etc. He's not comfortable discussing feelings. He'd never in a million years call me up to discuss how I felt about his dating, and that's not because he's a jerk or we have a bad relationship. He has a very strong sense of personal privacy, so much so that it sometimes seems like he's being evasive, yet if you ask him a question, he would tell you the 100% truth because he is scrupulously honest. I know that he would never intentionally hurt my feelings. When he thinks he has offended us, he worries and worries and apologizes, when most of the time we didn't even blink at whatever it might have been. Because of this, when he does inadvertently hurt my feelings, I generally do not point it out to him. (Nor do I point out every failing to my spouse, my children, friends, etc.) When things get "messy," he tends to withdraw into himself and walk away from the situation. He would walk into fire for me or my kids, and I know that his heart is in the right place even if his foot sometimes goes in his mouth. 

 

So, if this were my dad, I wouldn't point out that the way he handled this situation hurt my feelings. Doing that would hurt him terribly and likely cause him to withdraw. He wouldn't come to Thanksgiving. None of that would make me feel any better or make the situation less awful than it inherently is. Even Emily Post or the best family therapist would have a good chance of screwing this up somehow. Your and your sister's feelings are raw and you are hurt because of the loss of your mother. You certainly have the right to your feelings, and you have the right to wish he handled it in a way that would have been easier for you. You have the right to tell him this if you want. But would telling him make anyone's pain less? Will it bring about a positive change to your family's communication? If not, tell your therapist, your husband, your friends, your message boards. 

 

You and your sisters have each other and your spouses for support. Your dad doesn't have a "peer" on whom to lean. Imagine yourself or your husband in his situation. If it were my husband, and our kids were grown, I'd want him to have someone to support him and make his life less lonely. Young children, absolutely the surviving parent has to deal with the additional burden of making sure their emotional needs are met sometimes at the sacrifice of one's own, but I don't think that is as clear cut when the children are adults with their own families and support systems. 

 

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope his friend is a lovely woman who doesn't add to your family's grief. :grouphug: