Thoughts on marriage and divorce??

[Joanne]

I hope he remains exactly that way. I've learned, though, how drastically people can change from sources you never imagined: illness, injury, brain injury, medications, traumatic events (like a death, or being a victim of a crime) and probably a few other things I can't think of right now. 

 

 

 

Yes. "Sickness and in health" becomes an elusive, gray concept when the sickness leads to erratic behavior and presents situations that are dangerous, inappropriate, or otherwise compromising.

[creekland]

I would agree with this.  I am married to the nicest guy on the planet, a really good guy. 

I think you and I are married to the same guy - albeit different locations and professions.  The more I read this thread, the more I treasure what I have.

 

I'll admit that sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me... ;)

[Ripley]

I'm divorced.  It's always been amicable.  None of our close friends or relatives are divorced.  The only other divorced couples we know, we know from work or our kids' friends' families - so not close enough to really know, but people tell us we're the exception.  So, I don't know.

 

I didn't go into my marriage thinking divorce was an option.  As I said, nobody on either side of our families or within our circle of friends is divorced - it's not part of our scene AT ALL.  I suspect most reasonable people marry with the intention of it being for good.  I know I did, and I'm reasonably certain he did.  :)

 

It's such a multi-faceted situation, who knows why anyone does or doesn't choose it.  I'd say the same for marriage, truthfully.  So many things come into play, not least of all where we are at any given stage of our lives.

 

 

[Murphy101]

No, I meant incurable.

 

Incurable conditions are "acts of God," if you like. Curable conditions that aren't being cured and could be are not. Most people have more patience with the former.

But most mental illnesses are not curable? Medicated and monitored and coped with, but most aren't curable.

 

So for me, it goes back to I think it really depends on the illness.

 

And when the illness presented and how.

 

I don't think anyone enters marriage knowing the worst in their future. Same goes for parenthood in general.

[Guest]

But most mental illnesses are not curable? Medicated and monitored and coped with, but most aren't curable.

 

So for me, it goes back to I think it really depends on the illness.

 

And when the illness presented and how.

 

I don't think anyone enters marriage knowing the worst in their future. Same goes for parenthood in general.

People can be unwilling to take their medication, go to their doctors, etc. So, that can be a factor, too - someone who could be...bearable, perhaps, who nevertheless chooses not to do what would help and is thus unbearable. Also, there is a vicious cycle with many illnesses (mental and otherwise) where the person will not take their medication, and become worse off and then are even less likely to do what medically needs to be done...they sink further and further into behavior that is difficult or impossible to live with. 

 

For sure, we don't enter marriage or parenting with any idea of what the worse could be. The human race might die out if we did!  :laugh:

[bolt.]

In order for me to believe my DH had the kind of character that was so good that it just could never be subject to change... I'd have to believe myself to have some kind of amazing dose of better judgement, much better judgement that any woman among my friends and family, in fact if have to have such confidence that I considered myself capable of selecting such a man: utterly incorruptible, and immune to all sin, all illness, all injuries... And then winning him!

 

Suffice it to say that I don't think I can use my own judgement of DH's current character to garuntee our future together.

[Danestress]

For sure, we don't enter marriage or parenting with any idea of what the worse could be. The human race might die out if we did! :laugh:

It is true. Think about how many people who are young and happy today will be stricken with Alzheimer's, incontinent, angry, confused, and possibly a danger to self and others in a few decades. It's so hideous, and young people are oblivious. When I read the thread on retirement, I couldn't help thinking about how some of us will run through small fortunes in elder care for our mates.

[Renee in NC]

No, I meant incurable.

 

Incurable conditions are "acts of God," if you like. Curable conditions that aren't being cured and could be are not. Most people have more patience with the former.

 

THIS is a big deal...BIG.

[Renee in NC]

Yes. "Sickness and in health" becomes an elusive, gray concept when the sickness leads to erratic behavior and presents situations that are dangerous, inappropriate, or otherwise compromising.

 

And again THIS.  Add the two together:

 

Curable illness that someone won't work at that leads to what Joanne says here is a dealbreaker for me.

[FaithManor]

It is true. Think about how many people who are young and happy today will be stricken with Alzheimer's, incontinent, angry, confused, and possibly a danger to self and others in a few decades. It's so hideous, and young people are oblivious. When I read the thread on retirement, I couldn't help thinking about how some of us will run through small fortunes in elder care for our mates.

And some, due to the inadequacies of the system, will divorce in order to get their spouse help. In our area, this happens a lot because the disabled person needs to be below a certain income level in order to get appropriate assistance and spousal income is counted against them. I know one man who could not afford his wife's nursing home bill at the local good home with the excellent Alzheimer's wing. The state would pay for it if they were divorced so she had no income. So he divorced her, but then continued to watch over her.

 

My sophomore year, my roommate's mother had to divorce her husband after he had a stroke because it reached the point at which they had exhausted his private insurance limit for physical and occupational therapy, but he didn't qualify for Medicaid because of his wife's income. The social worker was the one that advised her to divorce him and move out of the house in order to make it look good. She still very much loved her husband and wanted to live with him. But, it had to be done. In order to not be caught for "fraud", she never lived under the same roof with him again, and had to be very careful how much time she spent visiting him since that state was more likely to investigate "divorce for services" cases.

 

So, there is that ugly aspect of this as well. This could be more prevalent in the future. The system is so broken it's staggering!

[Renee in NC]

But most mental illnesses are not curable? Medicated and monitored and coped with, but most aren't curable.

 

So for me, it goes back to I think it really depends on the illness.

 

And when the illness presented and how.

 

I don't think anyone enters marriage knowing the worst in their future. Same goes for parenthood in general.

 

They may not be curable, but they are definitely treatable.  We can't "cure" cancer, but it can be put into remission.  Same with many mental illnesses, BUT the person has to work at it.  Proper medication gets the person to where they can do the work in therapy.  Therapy doesn't cure, but it gives coping skills and can change behavior patterns.

 

Some people aren't willing to put forth effort at anything, medicated or not.  

[gardenmom5]

in regards to "worst case scenario"

we've a friend whose wife took their very young son and left.  she couldn't deal with the fall-out of his first (and last) motorcycle ride. (catastrophic brain injury.)   there are simply things people cannot fathom that can happen.  (and mental illness is but one.)

I understand she simply couldn't face the hardships that are his daily life, while still caring for a young child.   despite all that - he's unfailingly positive.  if you ask him how is he - he's *always* excellent.  he also doesn't allow anything less than a "great" if you answer how you are.   He nearly died, he treasures his life - despite extensive physical, and some cognitive loss due to brain damage, hardships.

[Jacqueline]

After only dating some for 4 months, I got married at 25 because I felt I had to and was in love with the thought of being in love. In my experience it is very common in the Catholic church to get married young and felt that I needed to be married. I had a younger sister who had already started a family too. Long story short he was very emotionally abusive and controlling. He abused the word of "God" and kept me away from my family. It took me 6 years to finally leave after becoming pregnant with my 5th kid in those 7 years. I was scared to death to do it because the concept was so foreign to me and didn't have anyone close to me who had gone through it. I am so grateful I left and can't imagine how different my children would be being raised in that environment. 

 

I ended up getting married again to an amazing guy that reminds me daily how lucky I am to have him. We celebrate our 10 year anniversary in a few days. :) 

 

Knowing what I know now if a marriage isn't working, leaving should be seen as a viable option no matter what the situation is. I used to say I'd never get divorced, and work everything out but it's not that simple. I also agree with the posters who said you should never judge a person for getting divorced unless you've walked in their shoes. 

[Murphy101]

People can be unwilling to take their medication, go to their doctors, etc. So, that can be a factor, too - someone who could be...bearable, perhaps, who nevertheless chooses not to do what would help and is thus unbearable. Also, there is a vicious cycle with many illnesses (mental and otherwise) where the person will not take their medication, and become worse off and then are even less likely to do what medically needs to be done...they sink further and further into behavior that is difficult or impossible to live with. 

 

For sure, we don't enter marriage or parenting with any idea of what the worse could be. The human race might die out if we did!  :laugh:

But that is also part of mental illness. And the meds aren't a cake walk for the patient either.

 

It is true. Think about how many people who are young and happy today will be stricken with Alzheimer's, incontinent, angry, confused, and possibly a danger to self and others in a few decades. It's so hideous, and young people are oblivious. When I read the thread on retirement, I couldn't help thinking about how some of us will run through small fortunes in elder care for our mates.

Or run through a large fortune in elder care for their parents.

[creekland]

And some, due to the inadequacies of the system, will divorce in order to get their spouse help. In our area, this happens a lot because the disabled person needs to be below a certain income level in order to get appropriate assistance and spousal income is counted against them. I know one man who could not afford his wife's nursing home bill at the local good home with the excellent Alzheimer's wing. The state would pay for it if they were divorced so she had no income. So he divorced her, but then continued to watch over her.

 

My sophomore year, my roommate's mother had to divorce her husband after he had a stroke because it reached the point at which they had exhausted his private insurance limit for physical and occupational therapy, but he didn't qualify for Medicaid because of his wife's income. The social worker was the one that advised her to divorce him and move out of the house in order to make it look good. She still very much loved her husband and wanted to live with him. But, it had to be done. In order to not be caught for "fraud", she never lived under the same roof with him again, and had to be very careful how much time she spent visiting him since that state was more likely to investigate "divorce for services" cases.

 

So, there is that ugly aspect of this as well. This could be more prevalent in the future. The system is so broken it's staggering!

That's just plain sad... and frustrating. (sigh)

[fairfarmhand]

And some, due to the inadequacies of the system, will divorce in order to get their spouse help. In our area, this happens a lot because the disabled person needs to be below a certain income level in order to get appropriate assistance and spousal income is counted against them. I know one man who could not afford his wife's nursing home bill at the local good home with the excellent Alzheimer's wing. The state would pay for it if they were divorced so she had no income. So he divorced her, but then continued to watch over her.

 

My sophomore year, my roommate's mother had to divorce her husband after he had a stroke because it reached the point at which they had exhausted his private insurance limit for physical and occupational therapy, but he didn't qualify for Medicaid because of his wife's income. The social worker was the one that advised her to divorce him and move out of the house in order to make it look good. She still very much loved her husband and wanted to live with him. But, it had to be done. In order to not be caught for "fraud", she never lived under the same roof with him again, and had to be very careful how much time she spent visiting him since that state was more likely to investigate "divorce for services" cases.

 

So, there is that ugly aspect of this as well. This could be more prevalent in the future. The system is so broken it's staggering!

 

My dad had a lawyer advise him of this as well. He was looking at bankruptcy in a year or two if he didn't.  He ended up legally separating assets, but that was way expensive (15K) and not a guarantee. He could have gone through the whole expensive process and still not have his assets separate from my mom's and then he'd been right where he started. My mom died just a year after he did this process. In a way, I wish he had done it sooner.