Update on my explosive child. And some ???s

[fairfarmhand]

I appreciate everyone who responded to my post about my dd. Just was going to share a quick up date on the situation. So far, I've not taken a concrete step.  However, I did find the book The Explosive Child at the library. I almost cried when reading the first chapter. It resounded so incredibly with me, because I have felt the exact same way as the mother did. So many of the conversations are so reminiscent of conversations that we've had around here. It helps so much to know I am not alone.

 

I've begun to change the way that I interact with my daughter. I'm learning to anticipate the issues that cause her to melt down and I am trying to guide her mentally through those situations before they occur. This week was the county fair and she's worked down there almost every day (4H responsibilities) while doing her schoolwork too. (since she's in the county virtual school, she doesn't have an option to miss a few days) I reminded her at the beginning of the week that she needed to expect the stress and the feelings of being overwhelmed with too much to do. I reminded her that even if she feels that she won't get it all done, it will work out okay. I also reminded her that when people get stressed they tend to snap at those around them, She needed to expect those feelings and make a special effort to be kind and respectful in her interactions with her family.

 

She's been great this week. Not a single issue. Not a single meltddown, or sassy comment. I've been stunned, because this is going on almost 3 weeks without a single meltdown--that's a record that is unmatched for years.

 

My interactions are going well, and so are the ones with her dad. He's been pretty surprised. Even though he's not 100 percent fully onboard with the techniques of the Explosive Child, he's marvelling at the changes around here. I've been sharing with him the ways that I am interacting with her. Hopefully he will come around. I've also been reminding my dd to have some positive interactions with her dad. (something I assumed she knew to do. GUess not!)

 

The other day, she inadvertently irritated him. When I told her about it, I told her that I understood how she could have made that mistake, but the right thing to do is to go and apologise humbly and tell him that she's misunderstood.

 

I got to thinking the other day about The Explosive Child. I mentally went through the lagging skills checklist with regard to my own father. I think one reason that he struggles with relationships so badly is that he does have these lagging skills and noone has ever walked him through these processes that many people innately understand. I want more than that for my own daughter. I don't want her inadvertently sabotaging relationships and then going, "I don't understand what happened! Why on earth does noone like me?"

 

Some of my current concerns though are these:

 

1. The author indicates that lack of flexibility and black and white thinking in a gray world are issues that cause Explosive people such anguish. How does my walking my dd through the minefields of life in a proactive way help her gain flexibility in her thinking?

 

2. What do I need to do to help her develop "in the moment" strategies to talk herself down from meltdowns? I'm seeing how parenting can help avoid meltdowns, but I can't always avoid them in every situation. How can I help HER learn to calm herself when her emotions are roaring?

[Miss Mousie]

What a joyous update!  I'm so happy you've had peaceful weeks!

 

I can't respond to your questions except to speculate that, after you've talked it all through with her a LOT of times, she will take your modeling cues and start taking the steps herself with self-talk.  In fact, on down the line, you might encourage her to practice self-talk aloud, and when she has it down pat she can do it silently.

 

I find it interesting that you see similarities with your father.  I don't know what the "lagging skills checklist" is - can you elaborate?

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

http://www.cpsconnection.com/sites/cpsconnection.com/files/ALSUP%20Rev%2011-12-12%20pdf%20%282%29.pdf

 

This is the author of the book's website. The same list is found in the book.

[goldberry]

Kudos to you for being an awesome mom!  I know this has been draining for you (and will still be), but working so hard to find methods that work is not something everyone does.  Your daughter is very lucky.  Hang in there, don't give up.

[Loowit]

I am happy to hear things are going better.

 

Things that we have been working on with DS are him learning when he is starting to get angry/upset. For him I made a chart he can use to let us know how he is feeling. It hepls him to think about his emotions though this may not be the tool to use for your DD since she is older, maybe you could try something similar.

 

We have also made a list of coping skills. He has a list if things to do when he is upset that he can choose from. For sevrral months I would be the one to eatch for signs that he was getting upset and reminded him to choose a coping skill. After a while he staryed to do them on his own. We have things like go lay on your bed, go run outside,etc.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have no advice, but love the great update!

[sbgrace]

That sounds so fantastic! How fortunate she is that you're learning and working to help her.

 

I've not read the book (though now I want to!) but I looked at the checklist. A lot of those issues, including the ones numbered in your original post, are shared by those kids on the spectrum. I am not implying she's on the spectrum of course--I'm just thinking that interventions designed to target those issues in spectrum kids might be useful. For example, I'm working through an Unstuck and On Target curriculum book with my son to work on flexibility specifically. Also, we've used ideas of assigning a number to our emotional state and our circumstances (ie, I am at an 8, but this situation is really a 2....) to raise awareness of, and control over, his emotional state. The cognitive process of that has helped my son manage his emotions better, and he's made a lot of progress toward internalizing it. I expect you'll see the same--as you guide her mental processes, she'll begin to use them herself over time.

[fairfarmhand]

Thanks for the kind thoughts folks.

 

It's really hard though. My mindset toward my kids has been toward the average kid who understands consequences, rewards and an occasional punishment.  This kid's not really like that...or at least her emotions are so hyped up that she cannot connect the dots in the moment. 

 

So figuring out ways of defusing situations before they happen is making me very tired.

[lllll]

..

[houseofkids&pets]

I feel your pain. I have one ds with autism and another with social anxiety and some behavioral issues. I have to say that I have the Explosive Child book, but never got around to reading it. After reading your posts, I know that I definitely need to take a look at it to help me with strategies for youngest ds.

 

You may want to check out products from Michelle Garcia Winner. Her website has a lot of info on flexible thinking, perspective taking, and behavior rating scales.

 

I can't seem to attach the link, but the site is www.socialthinking.com

[Spryte]

What great news.  That book was very helpful for us, too.   :)

 

When you are ready for more, if you need more ideas, thoughts, or just something to keep you proactive and working on it (I always seem to need that) a few more good ones are:  Living With Intensity; and Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students.  Both of those helped me stay inspired, and stick to working on our issues.  I know I mentioned this one before, too: When Your Temper Flares - it's written to the child, and we worked through it together.  That one was great for DS, it gave him specific tools and strategies - some worked, some didn't, but it was super helpful for him to go through that book. It definitely addresses the "in the moment" strategies that you mentioned. I can't remember your DD's age, though.  DS is 9, and we did it last year.  Maybe that book would seem too young to her?  

 

I think as you keep working with her on these issues, she will internalize what you're doing - the steps, the thought process.  At least, that seems to be what happens here.  The more we work on it, the more I can see DS slowing down himself, and thinking things through.  It doesn't happen over night, but now I can see him applying so much of what we've learned and talked about - on his own, without my guidance.  It's not easy, but practicing with him helps.  And reinforcing the good behavior - like when I see him struggling but figuring out how to handle the tough feelings.  

 

Good work!

 

 

[LifeLovePassion]

I think I need that book.